Computer Industry Acronyms

• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

• PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

• WWW - World Wide Wait

• COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

• CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

• OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

• MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

• WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

• MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

• LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

• RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

• SCSI - System Can't See It

• DOS - Defective Operating System

• BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

• IBM - I Blame Microsoft

• DEC - Do Expect Cuts

-- cynthia (cabeal@efn.org), June 05, 1998

Answers

Horse walks into the San Francisco Hyatt. Tired, dusty, hungry, thirsty. Asks for a room.

Smiling Hyatt desk person says, "I'm sorry. There's a huge medical convention in town. We're packed."

Horse sighs, saunters across the lobby, into the lounge, up to the bar.

Bartender comes over wiping a glass, takes one look and says, "Hey, Buddy. Why the long face?"

-- Bill (billdale@lakesnet.net), June 10, 1998.

Doug received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Doug tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet.

Doug was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Doug's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness. By the way - may I ask, what the chicken did?"

-- Doug Bell (DougBell@cruznet.net), June 14, 1998.

Cowboys Guide to Life

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets,

the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Make sure it's a cow, before you try to milk it.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

One plate of beans is dinner, two plates of beans is dangerous.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

Never leave a lit match in charge of the dynamite.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

-- Bill (billdale@lakesnet.net), October 22, 1998.

humor!

the Twinkie page - do *not* forget to go to the "why this is funny" link at the end of the page...

-- cynthia (cabeal@efn.org), November 21, 1998.