Smart Ass Answers For Nosey Shoppersgreenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
I'm getting tired of people commenting on my merchandise that I have in my shopping cart whenever I go grocery shopping. I have a few comebacks and please add to them, maybe it will stop those nosey shoppers from intruding into your business:
1. Wow, you sure do use alot of TP. Answer: Yeh, my hemmies are quite bothersome. Or, yeh, I wipe my butt a lot, or I'm going on a TP raid in my neighborhood 2. You sure do eat a lot of chili. Answer: Yeh, I heard that eating chili reduces the risk of getting herpes, or, yeh, I need the extra fiber, it relieves my constipation. 3. Wow, you sure do like SPAM. Answer: Oh, it's not for me, my dog bozo loves the stuff. 4. Man, you sure are stocking up! Answer: Yeh, this is for my mother, she hasn't been out of the house in 25 years, she has a mental disease that prevents her from leaving the house, she's incurable.
Got anymore to add to this?
-- pushcart (pushcart@Shopper.com), February 18, 1999
An easier solution:
I just give 'em the "buffalo stance": no reply, just stare at them until they realize that no one is interested in their sheep-like dribble!
-- Buffalo Bob (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
Is there a problem with that?
-- Tom Carey (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
A nonverbal none of your damn business.
-- Vic (Roadrunner@compliant.com), February 18, 1999.
My fast becoming favorite is:
"Why so much? Well, my wife works for the Government and she got told to stock up everything we can as fast as we can. Something about getting it before the shortages start. We aren't supposed to tell anyone yet, but I think it's a load of hooie. Why should there be shortages and why are they being so secretive? I think it's a bunch of crap but she insists we get it while we can. NOW she wants us to get a generator too. Bunch'a crap I tell ya."
You can BET that gets some STRANGE looks. Nothing piss's off someone faster than thinking someone else is getting an unfair advantage. I don't even mention Y2K unless they ask what it's all about, then I say "It's some computer thing".
Try it, it's FUN!
You don't even have to lie. If you pay as much in taxes as I do then you DO work for the government, and they DID tell people to stock up, right? (FEMA).
I see the other responses above....you people have no sense of fun. Once someone rudely pokes their nose into your business then all restraints are off. They ASKED for it!
-- Art Welling (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
I posted this earlier, but since ya asked....
A local sporting goods store is closing, and having a pretty good "going out of business sale", so I went to check it out. They had some good prices, so I bought a few "essentials". Went to the checkout line, and the guy in front of me was buying two of the folding Coleman camping toilets and a book on "simple eating/cooking". I started to plop my 250 rounds of 12 gauge, 1000 rounds of .22 and 200 rounds of .38 on the counter. He takes a good look at my stuff and says "I guess no one will be trying to take YOUR food away"! I leaned over and said in a low voice "I didn't buy any food. I figure I'll just sneak up on people when they're sitting on their portable toilet, shoot them, and take THEIR food". He looked at me for a second, then we both busted out laughing (including the clerk).
In a twisted way it really was pretty funny.
-- Online2Much (relaxing@home._), February 18, 1999.
Nosey person "You sure are buying/using/eating a lot of XXXr"
Greybear "Well, yes. I started on a program a while back that I read about on the Internet. The program says that if you use a lot of XXX it will relieve you of the pain of having to answer snoopy questions from busy bodies who stick their noses in where they don't belong. And since it's obvious that I haven't been buting/using/eating enough XXX I'm getting a bunch more.(With a very sweet smile) Thank you so very much for confirming that I really do need more XXX"
-- Greybear, who has actually had some few say in response "you're welcome" (not having had a CLUE as to what I just said"
- Got Enough XXX?
-- Greybear (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
Art Welling...you 'DA MAN!
-- Buffalo Bob (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
I love this thread! Art, I've almost got your answer memorized - can't wait to use it. GB, I can just imagine that some would be thick enough to give you that response... "telling them to go to hell, but doing it so nicely that they ask for directions!"
BTW, I "shop" a long, long way from home, and if anyone wants to exercise their option to use smart-ass answers on their nosey fellow-shoppers, I'd suggest they do likewise. If you take them down a notch, or even if you're just messing with their minds, it will most likely stand out in their minds and they will remember you, which is not at all desirable.
-- Why2K? (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
Tell them this is what you buy every week for the homeless shelter...why, would they like to kick in...?
Art Welling: LOL...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Sub-Mit (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
I could not stop laughing when I read this one. This happens to me all the time. If I lived in a larger area, I would simply tell them that I wanted to store extra supplies for when the space aliens landed. I have heard they like XXX and I want to make a good first impression.
LOL - I think shopping out of you hometown and at mutliple stores is a good idea.
-- me (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
Shampoo: Wow, you sure do use a lot of shampoo. Answer: I have a serious problem with head lice. Watch how fast they move away from you. Then, you just start following them all around the store scratching and shaking your head. Beans: "Stocking up on beans are you?" Yeh, me and my buddies like to get together and make chili and drink beer. Then we all get into a farting contest. One of my buddies pulled his pants down, lit a match and nearly burned his nuts off! Rice: What are you going to do with 100 lbs of rice? Well, I feed it to my chickens and turkeys. The rice expands in their stomach and it makes them appear bigger than they really are. You should see the expressions on their face! Baby Wipes: "Well looks like you got a little one at home!" No, my water was shut for nonpayment and I use these to bath with. Cheaper than buying soap! But don't wash you butt with it, it stings terrible! Now if I can only get rid of this itchy head, any suggestions? Then I walk out the door laughing my ass off....it's fun!
-- bardou (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
I love it!
I haven't had anyone ask me anything yet. But now when they do I am sure I will instantly think Hemmies and bust out laughing. (It has taken me five minutes to write this because of sporadic, paralyzing fits of laughter).
-- Sharon in Texas (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
This is great!
I live in New York City, so NOBODY dares to be as snoopy as you people describe. The only time anyone has ever commented was the cute checkout girl who said "You sure like candles, don't you?" I said "Yea, I like to light lots of candles in my bedroom. Wanna come over and see?"
She showed me her wedding ring...
-- pshannon (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
The other night, went to the store, and bought about 70.00 worth of hot-chili beans and diced rotel tomatoes and the stuff. At the checkout the clerk asked what I was going to do with all of that. Said that we were going to have a fart off at work, and I was to supply the chili. She looked blank and said "oh...."
I've told people I live so far out in BFE, that I only come into town once a year... seems to work pretty well, but not near as fun. I will have to remember some of the above for later use.
-- (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
I can't believe this happens so often.It must me human nature.The very same thing happens to me too.
-- rooster (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
I buy extra food that is on sale (veggies 5 for a $1, tuna 3 fora $1, etc...) Most everyone else is buying the loss leaders, too. I did get some funny looks when I bought two cases (48 boxes) of macaroni and cheese the other day for 15 cents a box. The checkout lady said "the limit is ten boxes, but I'll give you the sale price". She looks at my 3 yr. old boy and asks "do you like macaroni and cheese?" He replies "yes, it's for y2k". She gave me a strange look. I smiled, paid and left with 48 "meals" for under $7.
-- Bill (email@example.com), February 18, 1999.
Out of the mouth of babes.
-- bardou (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 18, 1999.
You had me laughing so damn hard that I fell sideways and out of my chair. Right on my butt. :) :)
I've not had anyone comment on my purchases yet, but I do spread them out and in smaller quantities, so they're probably not noticing.
-- Bill (email@example.com), February 19, 1999.
And just think, some one heredon't think I have a snense of humor! HA!
-- bardou (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 19, 1999.
Now, be honest, but slur it just a little: From above:
"Yes, I get this much all the time. It's for the local homefull shelter, would you care to donate some cash?"
-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (Cook.email@example.com), February 19, 1999.
Robert, I like your style and poise. Honestly, no one thinks like you here ;-)
Me, I haven't had the joy of a clerk saying anything yet. People around where I live are so clueless about Y2K, and so proper.
But, when and if a tackless :^) clerk at my favorite gourmet Y2K suply store ever dares to utter any such innapropriate question, I shall be prepared to put them back in their proper places :^)
Thank you everyone for your contributions and chuckles. I must now finish my fruitcake a la whiskey desert.
-- Chris (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 19, 1999.
Nosy shopper looked at my hand-carried basket full with a few dozen cans of spam and asked: "Gee, you must really like spam?" - my reply was: "Yeah. I'll have to put this load on the front seat since the trunk and back seat are already fully "spamed" - see ya later."
-- Rob Michaels (email@example.com), February 19, 1999.
Hee hee, this thread is the funniest I have read in a long time. Most of the time I just smile and look at the people like they are complete retards and like I am feeling very sorry for them. Tonight I went into the Dollar General store (LOVE THAT PLACE!!!) and bought 10 bottles of Suave shampoo for .75 each and 15 bottles of clear, unscented lamp oil for my two Aladdins and three regular oil lamps (the oil was $1 a bottle--20 oz) and 5 tubes of toothpaste, 6 ozs each for $1 each and realized it looked a bit funny. But you see, people make all kind of weird purchases in the Dollar General store so the lady didn't bat an eye. She just looked at me and said "Valentine's Day candy is over there--75% off." I said no thanks, paid for my stuff, asked her when they'd be getting more of the clear oil (I wiped out the shelf) and left. I also live in a very big suburb of a very very big city (Dallas) so who the hell cares what people are buying?
Lotsa Toothpaste, Lotsa Shampoo, Lotsa Lamp Oil
-- Lotsa Stuff (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 20, 1999.
Thanks everyone! I really needed a good laugh!
-- c.p. (email@example.com), February 20, 1999.