For Old Git and anyone who has dogs (big or little ones)...

Not So Best Friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep.

"And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!"

-- Stan Faryna (info@giglobal.com), April 16, 1999

Answers

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me. And God said, No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said,  No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him dog.

And dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration. And God created cat to be companion to Adam. And cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And the dog was happy.

And the cat didnt care one way or the other.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), April 16, 1999.

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

-- Stan Faryna (info@giglobal.com), April 16, 1999.

Oh God Bless you both!!! Best thing I've "heard" all day!! What a chuckle, and having 2 of each critter, as per the 1st "answer", I can vouch for its truth... Thanks.

-- Valkyrie (anon@please.net), April 16, 1999.

LOL! Agree! Thank you both, Stan and Maria. Laughter is a wonderful balm.

-- Mac (sneak@lurk.hid), April 16, 1999.

I feel better about posting this since you started the thread. I hope the author doesn't mind. I don't know who it was...

The American Dream

Only in America. . .can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America. . .are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America. . .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions. Only in America. . .do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. . . Only in America. . .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. . . Only in America. . .do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage. . . Only in America. . .do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. . . Only in America. . .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. . . Only in America. . .do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures". . . Only in America. . .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

-- J (jart5@bellsouth.net), April 16, 1999.

Oops! Was I OT? -:)

-- J (jart5@bellsouth.net), April 16, 1999.

Response to j and to Only in America... And Only in America do we allow idiots run the country, when we the people are the Governing Body for the country.

Furie...

-- Furie (furieart@dnet.net), April 16, 1999.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I would not breed from this officer. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 17, 1999.