Feb. 22nd, 1997

Please omit my e-mail address and name...I wish to remain anonymous at the time.

I never would have believed that I am an abused spouse. Even after visiting your page and reading some of the info, it still took me three tries just to write this much, and I might not send this either.

The abuse has been, so far, verbal, with only a few episodes of physical abuse. It sounds so strange to think about...

I don't know when it started, but I remember every episode vividly. The first time was her standing there, screaming at me "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" This had never happened before...when I questioned her about it later, she kept shrugging it off as "expressing her emotions".

Her favorite way of attacking me is to start in on me first thing in the morning--literally as I'm lifting my head off of the pillow. Not nagging, not berating me for not taking out the garbage...but name-calling and screaming and swearing at me before I've even had a cup of coffee. I remember one morning when, on our day off, I didn't wake up when she thought I should have. Even in my sleep I managed to offend her...

One of the writers on the page talked about his wife attacking him in the car. I can relate to that...that's one of her favorite times too, when I'm trapped like a bug.

Another memorable event was when we were trying to have sex...I was already stressed from having the baby all day, plus trying to deal with my wife, and I just could not perform. She chose that particular time, a time of shame of pain for me, to start a screaming fit at me.

And the abuse comes in so many different little ways...she continually disregards my wishes on even the smallest thing. Example: when we leave our house, we drive over a set of railroad tracks on a small rise. Speeding over these tracks causes the car to leave the ground for a second and always makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how many times I've asked her not to do that when she drives, it goes on. Or something so simple as keeping her house keys and car keys on the same ring...She comes home from work at night and kicks the door until I come and unlock it, after dropping everything else I may have been doing at that moment. This attitude of "I can do whatever I want to you" shows up so often in our life together.

Lately it has been escalating. This summer she finally started getting physical, threatening to strike me, shaking her fist in my face, throwing things at me. It almost seems like she's trying to provoke me (which I even hesitate to say...who would believe me if I said "she was asking for it?"), which--thank God--she hasn't done because I refuse to let it happen. I have never seen the problem that violence can solve, and I refuse to resort to it. I just keep walking away until she cools off.

We've seen a counselor off and on over the years...after my wife's last violent episode, I brought it up to the counselor, who'd spoken with my wife in an individual session the previous hour. The counselor's reponse was that my wife was "feeling threatened" and that triggered her violence.

We both came from abusive homes, and one of the premises that we got married under was that we would not stand for violence in our home, and yet here it is. I am still here, trying to figure out what to do next. I am a full-time father, so I don't have a job or any money of my own. When I've discussed leaving before, her answer has always been to "leave right now"--no clothes, no car, no money...just leave. And I know that if I didn't she'd have the sherriff out here...and who would listen to me?

I loved my wife, and she has killed it with her abusive, outrageous behavior. Even as I write this I'm getting sick to my stomach. I hate this so much. I am a victim of abuse, and I have nowhere to go with it. Fortunately--thank God--I have found a counselor who understands abuse and BELIEVES ME. That means so much. It is a start...if I ever make it out of this (and some days it feels like I never will), I don't know what I'd do next. My outlook has gotten so warped that I can't imagine life without this. I have kept waiting and waiting for things to get better...I've kept changing and adapting to her, thinking that her moodiness and anger were just idisyncracies, that I could get used to them, and when she got a handle on her stress things would be different. Now I see that she may not ever change, which leaves me with the choice of staying with her (and my daughter--who would give an unemployed father at entry-level custody of his child?) or leaving and starting over again at 34 years old. This isn't supposed to be the way things happened...I feel cheated and angry--but I don't dare show it because it will bring more anger down on me. If you read this, and you have any belief in God, please pray for me.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 1999

Answers

I BELIEVE YOU!! My ex husband and father of my 14 year old daughter had stayed in an abusive relationship with a nasty, mentally-ill woman. We kept telling him, leave! Why do you stay if she's such a bitch? I think he stayed because she used her 3 kids for a guilt anchor. On Sept. 19, 1999, they had their final fight. He told her to leave. In the early morning hours of Sept. 20, 1999, while he slept on the couch, she unlocked her .357 magnum handgun and shot him point- blank in the chest. He's now 6 feet under, and now, we believe him.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2000

Leave the bitch and get away as far away as u can. If your 34 your still a young man. The key is to defeat the enemy within that is keeping you there.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

It doesn't matter if anyone believes you. What does matter is that you are in a situation that you want to get out of. I hear people say "It doesn't happen all the time", but once is one more time than it should happen. I realize it's easy for me to sit back and tell you to leave your wife, but for you it isn't that easy. Your life is wrapped up with her. All I have to ask is if you are happy? If the answer is no then you need to do whatever it takes to make you happy, and I suspect that staying where you are at won't make you happy. I know a lot of people are afraid to be alone, and that is why they stay. But how alone do you feel when these "episodes" come on? You could be a lot happier and much more healthier if you only realize that your life is more important and worth much more than to stay with someone who shows you that they care nothing about you. Your wife may say she loves you, but love NEVER gives ANYONE the right to hurt another. Love yourself enough to say enough is enough. Good Luck!

-- Anonymous, January 28, 2001

what a terrible way to live. Obviously this woman isn't going to change and it seems things are getting worse. For your sake and the sake of your children you should get out of that relationship.

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2001

i was in a relationshp with an abusive woman for years--from fifteen till twentytwo, if you can believe it. before that it was a friend of my father's, and then my stepfather....so i can't say i know exactly where you are, but i'm familiar with the neighborhood. prayers and wishes for all good things, from me to you. leave. go. i think, maybe it will take something....for me it was a handshake from my hero, believe it or not, and as "magical" as it still is to me, it was like dumbo's feather. go. please don't do what i did, and wait for a miracle. i wasted years and bought scars in my head that i don't want, and i wish nobody on earth ever had to have scars like mine. you're too good for this and you know it. go. you mention god; i'm not exactly a christian, and i'm not usually pro-church, but try somewhere, anywhere. there are good people in the world, and somebody will help you.

also, if you can find it inside you to tell the truth--that she's abusive--maybe the thirtyfour year old entrylevel dad will look to a judge like the good, strong man that he is, and the wonderful father that i know he could be. what better way to be a father than to show your children that it is NOT okay to stay in a situation like this?

magic or placebo, i left. i'm with someone wonderful who never treats me like meat, an obstacle, a chore, a hindrance, an enemy. and i don't have to worry about what i'm coming home to.

i'm rambling, lol. i hope, you kind of get what i'm trying to say. i wish you all the best.

s

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

I was once in a relationship that was abusive. No physical abuse but the mental abuse (or emotional) was overwhelming.

I would be yelled at for the simplest things - not remembering to wipe the top of the refridgerator when I cleaned the kitchen, or not remembering to cook the spaghetti for only 7.5 minutes. It was terrible. I wanted to stay at work and never go home. I hated weekends because I knew it was going to be two days of yelling and screaming at me for the most simplest of things.

Once I got accused of cheating on her because I got home earlier than I was supposed to. I had gone some where and said I would be home at 4:00 (pm). For some reason, getting home at 3:00 meant I must have been sleeping around. Another time I was screamed at because the redial button on our phone dialed her mother's number. One would think that is a normal thing but she rationalized that I must have been talking on the phone with someone other woman then dialed her mother so that would be the number on the redial.

There was also a time where I was quite ill. I had no appetite, wasn't sleeping, was exhausted, and was walking hunched over like a 90 year old man because I was in such pain.

It was my job to make dinner. Usually I did and it was mostly acceptable. I would ask her what she wanted for dinner because I had no appetite and the thought of food made me feel sick. She would scream at me for that. I should know what she wanted for dinner. I should have taken something out to thaw. Many times I would make something after her screaming at me that she didn't care what I made. Some of these times she would look disgusted at what I had prepared and would throw it out. She would say "that's not what I wanted." I always asked her what she wanted me to make for dinner!

I was not sleeping very good. I later found I had arthritis in my lower back but at the time I didn't know. I could barely move and each step was painful. I would awake every 45 minutes or so while I slept and it would take me 30 minutes to find a comfortable position to fall asleep again. That would happen all night so I was getting only 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I started to go to bed earlier. I rationalized that if I could add up enough 45 minute periods of sleep, I might feel rested. That wasn't accpetable to her. I was screamed at for going to bed too early and ignoring her. I pleaded with her to understand - I was in much pain and I was exhausted. It didn't matter.

Other times I would say something just as we lay down for bed. It would offend her and she would storm off. I would get up and ask what I said to make her angry. She would ignore me. If I were to go back to bed the next 4 or so days would be hell. I obviously didn't care for her if I went back to bed. I would stay sometimes 3 or 4 hours pleading with her just to come to bed and we could talk it over the next day. Never would she do that. If, after 3 or 4 hours of pleading, I did decide to go to bed I would be accused of ignoring her and not caring about her feelings.

This went on and on for 5 years. My way of coping was to be the same. I would do the same things each day. I had my routine. I figured I would be a constant because sometimes if I did something, it was OK. Other times it wouldn't be. So I did the same things all the time. One week I wouldn't get yelled at at all. The next week I might be screamed at for 3 days, etc.

Any way, my self-esteen was in the trash. I never smiled. I took no joy from life at all. Then one day I was out walking the dog. I was bawling my eyes out, asking God to please help me. This was a Wednesday. On Thursday I decided that a relationship was not supposed to make me feel the way I was feeling. On Friday I moved out.

Even ending it was hard. I blamed myself. I failed. I must be a really bad person or I would have been able to make it work. I thought maybe I should go back. I didn't. It took me about a year and a half, but I dealt with it all.

Two years later I met and fell in love with wonderful woman (she is a survivor of some very severe abuse) and she fell in love with me. We have been married 3 years now. We have had one disagreement that consisted of 4 emails going back and forth. We have never yelled at each other and we do not fight. We are best friends and are deeply in love and devoted to each other.

I post this in the hope that some day you will realize you do not have to live the way you are living right now. You can leave. It's not easy. It took me a year and a half to get over leaving but it was the best thing I ever did. As far as the house and stuff, I left it all to her. We went through lawyers - she got the house, the car, all investments, and I ened up with about $4,000 in debt and lost the $20,000 of mine that was invested in the house. It sucks but it was only money - my sanity and survival has no price.

Take care.

Todd

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

What a sadistic bitch! Hit her back!! Let her know you aren't gonna take that shit from her. She will stop........ or it will make thing worse. I am not much help, I know, but somehow tell her you are not going to take it anymore!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2002

omg, this woman is crazy, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. My husband started out the way your wife did and it just escalated to phsyical abuse. Take it from me it will not get better. LEAVE HER..............and take your daughter with you. don't even tell your wife you are leaving, just do it while she is gone to work or something but it is very unhealthy for your daughter to grow up in this enviroment. LEAVE FOR YOUR CHILD'S SAKE AND FOR YOURS.

-- Anonymous, November 11, 2002