Have you ever found yourself in a position of needing help but you were completely naked? How did you get yourself out of the situation?

Did you ever have to call for help when you knew you were going to be teased mercilessly for it?

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

Answers

Pamie, how do you seem to know the code to get me to tell my most famous stories...?

When I was 16, I woke up the morning New Year's Eve with WRETCHED stomach cramps. I could not even bend to get out of the bed. Somehow I slid to the floor and inched my way to the bathroom. I did not call out for help because...I was naked. My attempts to be avant garde as a youngster were pretty tame - sleeping in the nude was as wild as I got. (Of course, if anyone entered my room, I would yank the covers up to my eyebrows to cover myself.)

When I got to the bathroom, I sat on the toilet and waited for something, anything to happen. Nothing did so I decided, maybe if I could take a shower I would find relief. So, not without trepidation, I stood and tried to get into the shower. Suddenly, all went dark. The room began to spin. I staggered toward the sink but each step I took seemed to lead me in the opposite direction of where I intended to go. In super slo-mo I yelled "Ohhhhhhhh nooooooooooooo..." and fell to the floor.

My father, reading the paper on this Saturday morning in the den, heard me and came to the bathroom door. "Al, are you ok?" Even in my pain-wracked stupor, I realized I was naked on the floor and my dad was about to walk in. "Waaaaaaaaaaait....geeeeeeeeeeeet Mmmmmooooootherrrrrr...," I moaned.

My mother, who was dead asleep, was fully awake and in the bathroom in .5 seconds. She walked in, found her six foot, 16 year old daughter nude on the bathroom floor and wrestled me into a bathrobe. You have to really know my family to envision this next part but, she commanded my dad to grab one side of me, and she grabbed the other side and they stood me up at the sink. I was gripping the edge and when she turned one way to get a cold rag and my dad turned the other way to do the same, I fainted again and fell back in the floor.

Through the haze, I looked up at my mother, heard her heave this huge exasperated sigh, look at my dad and say in an its-all-your-fault-tone "Great, Bill."

To make a long story short (too late), the paramedics came, my mother shoved me into some panties, I went to the ER and was diagnosed with severe dehydration. I flim-flammed my parents into letting me go out with my friends that night ("We're just going to the movies...")-remember it was New Year's - ended up walking around Southside (because what else was I going to do at 16?) got the raging super-flu because it was so cold and I was so weak, and missed the next week of school.

I am sure it was God's punishment for sleeping 'nekkid'.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

I have never had this problem, but when my niece was 3 she used to streak. While streaking one day, she decided to go the bathroom and fell in the toilet. It was the most hilarious thing in the world. My mom wanted to take pictures of this little kid - who's stuck in the toilet because she's so small - and my sister and I had to wrestle the camera out of her hands. My poor niece - I still tease her about that.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

This happened about 2 weeks ago...my mom and dad recently seperated after 25 years of marriage. My dad is very lonely and wants people there all the time. I got roped into staying over one Friday night and I didn't have anything to sleep in. So, I got naked and went to bed. No big deal right. Well, at 5:30am on Saturday, my dad was sitting on the edge of my bed trying to wake me up. He was upset and wanted to talk about my mom. he kept trying to hug me and I kept moving away. Finally he flat out asked me, can't you see I just need a hug? I had to spill my guts and tell him I was naked. He got this really funny look on his face and then laughed so hard he almost fell off the bed. I didn't really think it was THAT funny, but he needed the laugh! The Lord works in mysterious ways.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

My shower has a sliding door to seperate it from the rest of the bathroom, and on the bottom of it there's a peice o wood that stuck out and sometimes cought againt the wall when you tried to open, so it owuld get jammed. One time I went to take a shower, and i stripped of all my clothes before I went into the shower part with nothing but naked old me. After I closed the door, I remember how it would get stuck, but just shrugged it off. After I took my slower, I realized I didn't have any towels in there with me. So, I tried opening the door, but it would only open about 2 1/2 inches, not enough for me to squeeze out. So, I screamed through the opening for my brother, who was the only one home at the time. I was paniking, because I am clastraphobic (i spelled that wrong, i know). So I kept screaming, and I started crying and pulling so hard on the door. My brother came running up, and tried to pull on it but he couldn't get it open either. So, we both got down on the floor and tried to push up the peice of wood. We eventually got it up and my brother flung it open to see me on my knees, naked, wet, and crying. Hee hee.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

Things like this have happened to me, and they always seem to involve just my father being home. Once when I was about seven or eight my friend and I were in the shower together (god only knows why, but we were inseperable), and by accident I hit the dial and turned it as high as it would go. So, suddenly, there were two eight year old screams echoing through the bathroom, both trying to get away from the hot jet of water and pressing themselves as hard as they could against the wall. I think I vaguely remember trying to be brave and reaching over to turn it down, but I failed miserably. While my friend protested with all of her might, I called for my father to rescue us.

There was another time when I was maybe 10. I was sitting on the floor in my room in front of my dresser and accidentally pulled it on top of me. The whole thing. At first I didn't want to scream for help, so I tried to lift the thing myself, but instead slipped and got pinned beneath nearly the whole weight. I didn't want my father to see me naked, so I remember trying to pull some of my clothes from the drawers out to cover myself before I called for him. "Hm... well, let it crush me for just a bit longer while I shimmy into this shirt."

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

I'm taking the "naked" part literally.

About two years ago, after my band's first (and only) show, my best friend, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and I were all staying at my house. My parents were on vacation, so we were paired off in bedrooms, doing tha nasty to our hearts' content.

At about 8 a.m. the morning after, the phone rings. Not quite conscious of the fact that I'd fallen asleep naked, I walked into the kitchen to answer it. It was my best friend's mom, and my best friend had come running to answer the phone - she took it from me silently. As I was walking back to the bedroom my boyfriend and I were sharing, it finally occurred to me that I was buck-naked, and my friend had seen me naked. I tried to keep walking with dignity.

After I'd gotten back to the bedroom and shut the door behind me, I heard my friend call out, "Nice tits!"

Oh, the humiliation.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

So, it is my sophomore year in college, and my then girlfriend and I are lounging buck naked in her dorm room. Friend Matt knocks at the door, and being both clever and practical I think: Its so much trouble trying to scramble into clothing, only to scramble out when Matt leaves. I know, I will just wait him out in the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, having just finished with my painstaking census of the bathrooms ceiling cracks, girlfriends neighbor starts knocking on the bathroom door (she shared the bathroom with her neighbor). Another ten minutes pass, and by this time the neighbor is threating dire consequences if she cant use the bathroom. Of course, there are no towels in the bathroom. Of course Matt, in no hurry to leave, is blathering on, oblivious to my plight. Of course, girlfriend finds the situation incredibly amusing, and is encouraging Matt to expound upon subtle differences between Orange Zinger and Morning Glory.

So I did the only dignified thing I could. I stepped out of the bathroom, and told Matt that I was partial to Darjeeling, and would he please pass the towel that was hanging on the wall. Ive never seen him make a quicker exit.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 1999

My family was pretty laid-back about being naked around the house... at least, the females were. My dad was the only one obliged to cover himself up; I felt sorry for him. However, this free-and-easy nudity existed ONLY among our own family members--we certainly didn't walk around in the nude when friends and neighbors were visiting. Anyway, one evening when I was about 9 years old, after my bath I went prancing out into the hallway, towards the living room, in my birthday suit. Unbeknownst to me, my 17-year-old sister's boyfriend had come over in the meanwhile, and was sitting on the couch, grinning widely. I froze in place, and almost certainly had that deer- in-the-headlights expression on my face. I was about halfway between the bathroom and the couch where he was sitting; the smart thing to do, obviously, would have been to turn around and run shrieking back to the bathroom, or even my bedroom. For some reason, though, the only hiding place I could *see* at that point was behind the couch. The very couch Mike was sitting on. He was therefore treated to the sight of me screaming and running *towards* him, buck naked, so that I could duck behind the couch. Of course, the whole family was sitting there, and they all found this hilarious. I cried until they finally made him get up and go into another room so I could go get dressed. Ahh, the traumas of childhood!

-- Anonymous, August 26, 1999

Weird. I have a story involving both the bathtub and being naked. Quite frightening, really.

Anyway, I'm about 15, I think. Maybe 14. Anyway, we had just moved into a new house. I was home by myself, and got ready to take a bath. I stripped and went to run the water, when this bug crawled out of the drain. It bothered me a little, but I decided to just push it back into where it came from and plug the drain so it couldn't get back out. When I reached down to brush it away, it bent its body in half and flipped about 4 feet in the air, making this clicking sound. Sans the clicking sound, I jumped about 4 feet in the air as well and screamed.

It started crawling around.

I brandished the toilet brush and began beating it mercilessly.

It responded by jumping and clicking again.

More screaming. I ripped a towel off the rack and waved it around like I was some sort of naked matador.

Jumping, clicking. Screaming.

I wrapped the towel around myself (just in case someone had arrived home) and ran out to the kitchen. I grapped the first weapon I found - a bread knife. I ran back into the bathroom, losing the towel in the hallway. I tried to stab it. It wouldn't hold still. So I started chopping at it, only succeeding in making it jump again and leaving a nice scar in the porcelain tub.

The knife wasn't working. I sprinted back out to the kitchen, searching for the butane lighter. While digging around in the drawers, I heard my dad come in. He was walking up the stairs and whistling, and I'm standing completely naked in the kitchen. I finally found the lighter and booked it back to the bathroom.

The evil jumping bug was gone.

My heart rate returned to normal, I set the lighter down and went to resume running the water when... it was back. I immediately grabbed the lighter and torched that mother.

-- Anonymous, August 26, 1999

once i went to pick up my hubby from the airport, and since he'd been gone for awhile, i decided to "surprise him" - i was buck naked 'cept for a long rain coat and a pair of sandals. i drove down to the airport, waited in the car outside baggage claim, and saw him headin' for the car - with two guys in tow!!! hubby opened the front passenger door and said "honey - can we give mike and joe a ride home?" i was furious - what could i say? so hubby got in the front w/me, two guys sat in back, and i pulled my coat closer to my body, hopin' it wouldn't slip open while i drove....needless to say, hubby got NOTHIN' that night, and has never again offered other guys rides home....

-- Anonymous, August 26, 1999

I just remembered that I actually DO have a "caught naked" story. Not in the bathroom though. When I was 21, my boyfriend and I decided that we had lost the spontanaety that we had when we first started dating, and the excitement of sneaking to weird places to have sex because we both lived with our parents was gone since we now had somewhere private that we could go anytime (his apartment). So, one Friday night, we decided to go parking.

Since it had been a while, and we didn't want to go back to any of our high school haunts (because they were now occupied by actual high schoolers) the only place I could come up with was the parking lot of the place where I worked. I knew none of the companies in that office park operated at night. So, off we went, in my car, an Eclipse.

Well, it was snug in there to say the least, and it was the middle of winter so we couldn't even open the windows. We decided to put down the back seats and lay back there, and we tossed all our clothes up into the front seat. We got settled, and were gettin' busy when suddenly flashing blue lights filled the car. Yes, it was a cop. He got out, came to the back of the car, and with a BULLHORN, demanded that we get out of the car. We scrambled for our clothes but the cop yells "NOW!" and banged his foot down on the bumper, so we panicked and spazzed. We ended up popping the hatch open, and exposing ourselves completely. He made us get out of the car (still naked, except for socks for him, and I had at least managed to grab a sweater to hold in front of me) and he tells my boyfriend to walk with him to the police car for a talk. It was hilarious to see him standing there covering up his package with his hands, but looking all serious, nodding and saying uh-huh, and yes sir a lot. I took the opportunity to grab my clothes while he lectured him.

I heard him saying that it was very disrespectful to take me to a parking lot for sex, and what did he think my father would say if he found out? He also threatened to call our parents (he must have thought we were kids!) but finally just told us to get dressed, get lost and get a room. It was humiliating, of course, but even worse a week later when my boss plunked down a piece of paper on my desk asking for an explanation.

It was an exerpt from a security report on the night of our little rendesvous. Turns out, there was a security guard that would sit on top of the building at night and report on any strange activity on the property. He had my make and model of car, tag number, and a detailed description of us and our situation. He had even written that the car windows had fogged and the car was making rocking motions before the police showed up. I was caught. It was awful. All I could think to offer as an explanation to my boss was "Ha ha! Yep, that was me all right! Ha!...ha...(ahem)..." I had a hard time being spontaneous for a while after that!

Sorry I have been writing such lengthy stuff. I must need more work to do.

-- Anonymous, August 27, 1999

Oddly enough, I have been caught in precarious positions while naked. The most recent event was on our little troupe trip to Boulder. Jon and Diana were letting Marc and I freshen up in their B&B room after an 18 hour car trip. Marc took the shower, and I took the jacuzzi tub in the middle of the room. Since we really weren't supposed to be there and Jon and Diana were at breakfast, I locked the door and returned to the tub where I had left the water running. I started to get in when I realized that somehow the water in the tub could defy physics and was at least the temperature of magma. With catlike reflexes I lept out of the tub to perch myself with legs straddling the boiling deathtrap. That's when I heard a knock at the door. At first I thought I'd just stay there and pretend that there was no one in the room, but then I realized that they'd hear the water running. So I jumped down as quietly as possible and crept to the door to see who it was. Then Marc opened the bathroom door. He had been knocking on the door to ask me to not use so much hot water since he was trying to shower.

-- Anonymous, August 31, 1999