WHY "DID" THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: The "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I've *been* to the mountaintop . . . And from that magnificent vantage point overlooking the red clay roads of Georgia and the concrete freeways of California.....the asphalt byways of Arkansas and the snowbanked highways of Alaska.....I was able to envision a world where all chickens regardless of their gender or genetic breeding.....from Foghorn Leghorn to Henny Penny to Chicken Little.....will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.

For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook and crash frequently---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 98.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

Now folks, lighten-up and add your own versions.

-- Yuk (yuk@yuk.yuk), September 02, 1999

Answers

Y2K REMEDIATOR: Our chickens have been reprogrammed with either two extra legs or a window to slide across on. In our test, they seemed to reach the middle of the road. We hope to find out soon if our chickens are compliant with the other side of the road.

-- Here (chick@chick.chicken), September 02, 1999.

or, alternatively,

"Why Andy Knows So Damn Much More than Anybody How To Cross The Road Than Anyone Else Who Was Ever Born"

-- Chicken Little (panic@forthebirds.net), September 02, 1999.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), September 02, 1999.

Milne: The chicken is going to cross the road alright. It's going to be flattened by a semi going 85 MPH. There'll be nothing but blood and guts left on the asphalt. It's going to be ugly.

-- Hawthorne (99@00.com), September 02, 1999.

UNCLE DEEDAH Well, sir, I'll tell you, in my day, if that chicken wanted to cross the road, well , he had to walk five miles just to get there. All uphill, in the snow, without shoes, neither. Not like you young chicks today, no sir!

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 02, 1999.

GARY NORTH: The chicken will never cross the road. It's too late. The chicken is broken/b> and can't be fixed. The chicken is systemic. It can never be fixed in time. Even if you fixed the bones and feathers, you could never fix all of the non-compliant embedded gizzards. The best you can do is to prepare and do it soon, because if you don't, the chicken will kill you.

-- (gary@dude.rules), September 02, 1999.

bold off

-- (1@1.1), September 02, 1999.

KING OF SPAIN: Hey chicken, are you a mud hen???

-- Hawthorne (99@00.com), September 02, 1999.

gazza north dude,

rotflmfao!!!

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), September 03, 1999.

Peter DeJager: "At first I thought the chicken MIGHT cross the road..........but now I'm sure it won't" (burp)

-- andrea (mebsmebs@hotmail.com), September 03, 1999.

Al Gore: "What chicken?"

-- andrea (mebsmebs@hotmail.com), September 03, 1999.

Chickens cross the road all the time. I've seen them get across other roads with my own eyes, again and again. What makes you think this chicken can't get across this road? Name one time that a chicken has not got across the road? In fact, the chicken is 90% across the road, already.

- Guess who

Sincerely, Stan Faryna

-- Stan Faryna (info@giglobal.com), September 03, 1999.

"That chicken won't cross the road, unless it crosses the road, then it will really cross the road"

-- R. Wright (blaklodg@hotmail.com), September 03, 1999.

Koskinem': When the chicken does cross the road, the road won't come to an end, just be sure to be prepared for a 3 to 5 yard stopping distance so you don't hit the chicken.

-- CygnusXI (noburnt@toast.net), September 03, 1999.

Y2KPro: The chicken crossed the road to get it's tinfoil hat, no doubt the chicken thinks the free mason's intentionlly made the road extra wide.

-- CygnusXI (noburnt@toast.net), September 03, 1999.

Hoffmiester: The chicken has almost crossed the road, it only has a little bump ahead to jump over and he's there.

-- Chris (%$^&^@pond.com), September 03, 1999.

ANDY: That chicken did not really cross the road. A vast conspiracy to keep chickens in the dark about the true nature of roads has existed since the price of gold.....

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), September 03, 1999.

Paul Davis - I feel sorry for that chickens children. They will be completely traumatized by this ill-advised crossing attempt.

CPR - no CHICKEN would EVER... ATTEMPT to cross that road. I debunked THAT RUMOR months ago.... why does IT KEEP coming up? The doomers ARE fixated on chickens.

The Navy - the attempted crossing was based on old data. We currently believe that there was no actual crossing attempt, and are in complete agreement with the White House assessment of the situation.

-- no way (_@_._), September 03, 1999.

Infomagic: The chicken is so dependent on crossing the road that its failure to do so in this case will cause it to "devolve" back into an egg.

-- (oh@oh.its.magic), September 03, 1999.

There's a possibility that the chicken will cross the road. There's also a possiblity that pigs will learn to fly.

-- Ed Yourdon

-- (some@thing.else), September 03, 1999.

dIEteR: wHY dO YoU kEeP PlUcKiNG At DIetEr'S Eye'S wITh tHIs qUEsTIoN????iNFidELs!!!!!BuZzaRd ScROtUmS!!!!!!wHy mUSt DIeTEr kEeP rEPeATiNg hiMSelF tO SaVE YoU fROm tHiS fOoLiSH BrAiNfRyINg qUesTIon??????bEcAUsE yOUr jACkaL bRAinS aRe AlREaDY fRied???? nO???? yEs!!!!!! tHe cHIckEN dID NoT cROSs ThE ROaD!!!! nIeN!!! tHE ChIcKEn wAs tOo dIStRacTEd AdMIRinG hIs NaVEl!!!!

Couldn't resist.

-- Chris (%$^&^@pond.com), September 03, 1999.

Janet Reno

I am deeply disturbed that the true facts surrounding this Chicken Crossing were not brought to my attention. At the time of this incident, I had been assured that there was no basis of truth regarding the rumors of this maneuver. Additionally, you can rest assured that I never authorized this chicken to re-locate and we will leave no feathers unturned to get to the bottom of this scandal.

-- For (your@info.com), September 03, 1999.

WAS THE CHICKEN SAVED? *by* saved of course I mean the great lord=can save the chicken befor it,s eaten by DOGSS. I lik to watch dogs=do it. it,s onle a mater of TIME when he CROSSES the road=he crosses the RIVER of DENIAL=but if he can be SAVED=then the eggs will, be revered BY MILLIONS

--al-d

-- (doggy@dog.dog), September 03, 1999.

IGNORATIUM CHALMET (down on the bayou) You call that mud hole a road? That'ere chicken crossed to get away form the gator, any fool can see that. Who dat chicken belong to, anyhow? Here, chicky, chicky. Maw, start some gumbo! Here chicky, nice chicky.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 03, 1999.

LIBERTY

This pathetic poultry cover-up must end! You can now see for yourself the ugly truth by viewing the award winning 4H training film, Chicken, Tools of Escapement. This film will settle, once and for all, the nagging question: How DID the chicken cross the road? You can rent or purchase this video at all major feed stores throughout the U.S.

-- For (your@info.com), September 03, 1999.

Decker: Quite obviously due to both the micro- and macroeconomic justifications for doing so, which beautifully demonstrate the organic nature of the free market.

Had the chicken species allowed its irrational fear of traffic to prevent its crossing, most certainly the turkey population would have assumed the market position on the other side of the road..and once again, the invisible hand chooses the rational course.

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), September 03, 1999.

Good question Yuk. There could be something else to this that we haven't looked at. Think outside the box guys!

I came upon a couple of links this morning, worth taking a look.

This guy seems to have a handle on chickens. Maybe there's something he knows that we don't.

http://www .geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/6084/update.html"

This page claims to be a network of psychic chickens. Lets not leave a stone in the road unturned.

http://www.ruprecht.com/

I'll keep digging. I need more latte.

*sigh*

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), September 03, 1999.

-- Chris(not bored, just wainting for my Knight in White Armor) (%$^&^@pond.com), September 03, 1999.

Chris wins, wings down!!!!!!!! LOFL ROFL

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), September 03, 1999.

HILLARY CLINTON and BARBARA WALTERS

BARBARA.I know this is somewhat of a sensitive subject but I must ask you how this Chicken incident has impacted your marriage.

HILLARYAs you surely are aware, my Husband has a serious weakness where Chickens are concerned and we have been working hard to keep this problem on the right side of the road, so to speak.

BARBARABe that as it may, this recent crossing event has captivated the imagination of the general public and the world press is crying FOUL. Now we are hearing other Chickens coming forth with stories of being lured to the other side of the road.

HILLARY.Well, it seems that these wannabe Hens are just out to stain my Husbands image as part of a deep seeded, right wing conspiracy. Just because one Chicken crossed the road doesnt mean others had as well. Its time to stop this senseless pecking at my Husband and get on with the business at hand, whatever that might be.

-- Yuk (yuk@yuk.yuk), September 03, 1999.