After much serious thought and condemnation, I have come to the delusion that last nights FRLian party was in fact a Surprise Party - the surprise being that there was no party after all, or before all, or whatever. So, I offer up, or down, or sideways, the following truth is stranger than fiction quotes for your refusal, er, I mean perusal.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." General William Westmoreland

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." George Bush, US President

"Please provide the date of your death." from an IRS letter

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell." Spencer Ante

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." Bill Peterson, football coach

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

And here are some quotes from former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle:

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"Potatoe"

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Well, thats it Gang. I may not be around later because I have a meeting with some local leaders to explain the simple concepts of non-remediated embedded systems and the fragility and interdependence of the entire global supply chain. Naturally, these local leaders may not be as astute as some of the famous former Mayors and Presidents, etc., quoted above :)

-- Rob Michaels (sonofdust@com.net), September 10, 1999

Answers

LOL & ROTFLOL!!!

My throats raw, from laughing so hard!

Thanks Rob!

Diane

(Hope your meetings go well. Or is that another Y2K missconnect? I can just hear one of them now, responding to the group... Lets all listen to Rob, so I can talk. Just like a politician, say what?)

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), September 10, 1999.

Rob, that is really funny! I don't know what happened to the party last night. I think "she in the sheet on the hill" must have caught a big gust of wind and did an impression of Mary Poppins. :-) I had to eat all that salsa myself, and then I got heartburn!

Here is a funny story for YOU, Rob:

In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations paid money ($100-500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300:

She said: I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal - some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back "No! I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it." :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 10, 1999.

ROFL!

Best of luck with your VIP's, and if they have minds, I hope they're open ;-)

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 10, 1999.

Well, I was grinning mightily but when I got to the glitter story I had to laugh out loud!!!! Thanks so much - I really needed that!

:)

-- Kristi (securxsys@cs.com), September 10, 1999.

I needed that laugh too! Let's have more. p.s. "All that glitters is not gold."

-- Betty Alice (Barn266@aol.com), September 10, 1999.

Glad that a few of you found this amusing. We need all the laughs we can get, huh? Now where is the Lady of the Sheets and our Night Driver?

Just as I feared, today's tonight is now here, and it will soon be tomorrow's tonight, and then today's tonight will be yesterday. Sheesh!

Gayla: I really liked the image but, in all honesty, I didn't get the story. Dear Mrs. Michaels must of got it though, since she was ROTFL, so thanks from her! (Haven't seen her this happy since I got her them twolips without any lips)

BFN, Rob

-- Rob Michaels (sonofdust@com.net), September 10, 1999.

Gawd, do I need a laugh...and Rob...dearheart, you did it....I must now go back,...download and print...

Sorry about my lack of follow through on the party...it's the lagtime in computers that does me in I think...I want instantaneous compliance...everyone psychically linked to me complies instantly...It's the thought that counts, right?

She in the sheet, attempt to maintain equilibrium, upon the hills, while laughing her butt off. (no peeking allowed)

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), September 10, 1999.

JUst checking in briefly, as Mrs Driver is going out of town next week. Something about PeopleSoft training in Joisey. Anyone want to surprise her, e-mail me and I'll let y'all know where she will be. I THINK, if Greybear is in the right part of Joisey, he's gonna stop in.

Wel, gotta run. We don't separate much (first time in 20 or so years we'll be apart a week).

Chuck

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), September 11, 1999.

ROTFLMAO Gayla! I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my cheeks! :-D I have to print it and pass it around! Thanks for the laugh, it's not often I get such belly laughs alone at the computer. (Good thing too or hubby would carry out his threat of calling the white coats...ya know, y2k and all.)

Only a woman could find it that funny Rob, too bad! ;-)

-- Chris (#$%^&@pond.com), September 11, 1999.

Well now, found you guyz after all. Glad to see you are OK donna, and that this here little thread helped a bit.

Chuck: Greybear lives in Texas I thought, not Joisey..... anyone recall for sure? Greybear, you lurking?

Chris: I am so glad you posted that response. So, it's one of them there 'woman thingys' huh? OK. NOW I understand!

See y'all over at the FRL late tonight (today's tonight) hopefully - we have a party to plan for...

-- Rob Michaels (sonofdust@com.net), September 11, 1999.

Rob,

I guess your EMail is as real as mine! I sent you an 'e' about the Ishmael thread, but I guess you never got it. I've just been up to my ears in alligators lately, and haven't yet made it over there. It's still on my list however. . .

Party hearty everyone, y'all deserve it, and if you're half as blue as Donna, y'all need a party too! It's just a suggestion, but getting Chris to give her lecture on how to keep the Y2K 'stash water' from freezing in your water barrels would be a great ice breaker (yeah, I know, bad pun). I still chuckle every time I think of that post.

For my part, I suspect that Donna's got nothing on my mood, which wasn't improved any by congress-critter Horn's little soiree (or maybe it wasn't--maybe I just saw it in the evening) with the press. I can't remember (and actually don't care) what the name of that democrat with him was (and no, I'm not picking on him because he's a democrat, just because he's stupid), but his comment to the effect that, "Predictions are pretty hard to make, expecially about the future", belongs right up there with the other 'red flags' that pols are always waving at us. Ms. Morella wasn't quite as blatantly insulting, but after she went on and on in such a positive vein about how the FAA (and all its computers) are ready, done, compliant, 100%, etc. and then a few sentences later told us that the Air Traffic Control System "should" be ready by December, I gave up on all of those characters. It seems to me that Ms. Morella was proceeding from one of two assumptions, either or both of which may be correct: either she thought that the attention span of her audience was no more than a typical sound bite (30 seconds or so) or that her's was. And I had hoped that she might be one of the 'good guys'. . . Oh well!

Who? Me? Bitter? whatever could have given you that idea? If I'm able, I'll stop by the party over on 'our' thread, but it will be late for certain, if at all, if y'all get my meaning (or something like that--Hell! everyone else in the FRL talks funny like that, can't I too?). I'll try to lose the attitude before I show up too. . .

-- Hardliner (searcher@internet.com), September 11, 1999.

Hardliner, I like you just the way you are (we all get a little ticked at idiocy from time to time), so drop by even if you're still miffed. Maybe we'll be able to cheer you up.

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 11, 1999.

Hot darn! This brought a few laffs! By the way, what's a FRLian? love and light to all who read this, -c

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), September 11, 1999.

Love and light appreciated, more than you know. Welcome to our happy home, coprolith!

Vive La Resistance!

--She in the sheet,...she's come undone (not the sheet, She)

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), September 11, 1999.

d- "myself I long for love and light but must it come so cruel and oh so bright" -leonard cohen

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), September 11, 1999.

It's a classic! The best of Yourdounite Live! Inspiring, thrilling, a real butt clencher. Thanks for the laugh!

-- bardou (bardou@baloney.com), September 11, 1999.

Coprolith, an FRLian is a member of the Fruitcake Resistance League. We've run through 5(?) threads already, the current one is called "OT FRLian members only OT" (or something similar) and has listed on it all the other Fruitcake threads. You'd be more than welcome there. For some reason, those threads seem to be quite troll-free.

Bardou, come join the party! It's nice to see you posting again. As one of the oldest posters to this forum, you know you're always welcome anywhere on it. Don't you?

-- Tricia the Canuck (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 11, 1999.

O.K., O.K., O.K.! I realize that I was not ACTUALLY NAMED in the title of this thread, but since I've been driving for 5 days just to get back, I intend to crash this party, right here and now.

From what I can tell, you folks like a good story. Here's my best, and it's TRUE, I swear:

When my youngest, Daniel, was four or five, he came up to me and asked, "Dad, what's a eunick?" Well, I was somewhat taken aback, but afterall, my kids were smarter than average, and if a five-year-old had an adult question, he deserved an adult answer. So, being a parent of the seventies, well versed in Dr.'s Suess and Dodson, I launched into a dissertation of the eunoch, his place in history and why. I touched on the role of eunochs in ancient cultures such as Rome and the Forbidden City. I discribed the physical attributes of a eunoch, why it is no longer in vogue, and ended with a reassurance that this sort of thing would never happen to men such as he and I.

Well, he took it all in, and though somewhat wide-eyed, still appeared a bit puzzled. So I asked, "Son, do you understand all that I have told you? Do you still have questions?"

Whereupon he replied, "Yeah, Dad, but on T.V., why do the police pick up the radio and say, - This is eunik one, come in, eunik two?"

True story, I swear. Lon :

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 12, 1999.

:-D Welcome back, Lon!

I remember asking my mother once what nissparrow meant. It took her quite awhile to realize that I hadn't heard the soloist at church very well - who sang "His Eye is on the Sparrow". I had heard of different coloured eyes and piercing eyes and keen eyes, but nissparrow eyes had me flummoxed. I just wish my ability to make a fool of myself through misunderstanding language were limited to my childhood...

PS, the party will actually start tomorrow night at the new (if Rob does as promised) Fruitcake thread. The current FC thread has the title "OT FRLians unite - members only OT" (if I remember correctly - no promises there!).

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 12, 1999.

Thanks for the tip on the party, Trish. But, since I am not actually a card-carrying FRLian (I frittered away my youth at the Circus, remember), I may have to come in-cognito. I know, I'll wear my new rubber nose (it's blue, like Rob's real one) :

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 12, 1999.

Lon, I think I can get you in, just show them this invitation:

.

I herewith (or without) invite Lon Frank of the Bluenose to join the FRL at any party or other unsocial event sponsored by the FRL.... Tricia the Canuck, Undersecretary fer membership

.

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 12, 1999.

Whoa, "Undersecretary fer membership", no less. (And to think I knew her when she was just training stupid cats for a livin'!)

By the way, I came home to find that my very rotund, recently stray female is now suddenly quite svelt. Tomorrow I'll go find the kittens (I hope)

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 12, 1999.

Lon, we love ya, man! Come on to the party! :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 12, 1999.

Gayla (what are you doin' up at this hour?), I wouldn't miss it now.

I think the world of you too. Really. You always seem to me to be such a loving, nurturing woman. A woman with a big heart for everyone and everything, big or small. A careing woman, one who would gladly share her home and hearth with the less fortunate creatures of this earth.

By the way, did I mention that I have some new kittens. Very cute, need homes.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 12, 1999.

LOL, Lon! I think you're the one being cute ;-)

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), September 12, 1999.

Lon, you can "kiss up" with the best of them! :-) And kissing up usually works well with me, just one small problem... my son is allergic to cats. Can these kittens mow the yard and take out the trash? (That's about all sons are good for, and I might consider making the exchange.) :-)

PS- My son is 6' tall and weighs 240. I hope you have a grocery store nearby... in your refrigerator would be better. How much does the kitten eat?

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 12, 1999.

Actually, Gayla, on second thought I really don't like you that much afterall. And as if it were any of your business, which it's not, I still haven't found those blasted little fur-balls yet. I hope I find them soon, though, because I got some trot lines to bait up. You know, the ones with the big treble hooks and. .....................OOOOOOOOH. ................AAARRRRRRRRGGGG H......... AAAAAHHHHHHHAH

--------------------------

Whew, did you see that? I think I musta morphed into my evil twin there for a moment. I hope that I didn't say anything ugly, or you know, kill anybody, or anything. I,...I just can't remember.

Man, what bad timing for this sort of thing to show up in my character right now. With today being the big FRL party, and all. I just hope I can control it. :

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), September 12, 1999.