I know many of you have been curious about cats and stuff around here. Pamie asked me to give some advice on her forum. So if any of you would like to ask me a question about cats or why we do things, or how to make your cat's life better, feel free to write it here. I'll keep checking and I'll answer as many questions as I can.

Oh, and if any of you fine ladies want to know about my days as a hockey player, I'd love to tell you all about my French-Canadian background.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Answers

Yeah, I have a question. Why do you cats get so annoyed when your fur is rubbed the wrong way. I mean, do you really have to bite my finger over it?

Bonjour, Big Joe.

We are very sensual creatures, yes? And when you pet us, we feel every single stroke. Perhaps you aren't familiar with the feel of a hand on your body, no? Let me tell you zomething... if perchance you have someone touching you find out what it iz like if they go the wrong way. Make them just start stroking you harder and harder (because for some reason you guys like to pet us so hard that our spines begin to cave in, yes?), and see if it hurts you, eh?

We bite because it's the only way we know how to get you to stop doing something immediately.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Taylor,

Mrrrrrrow.

Perhaps you would explain to the humans out there why we love the smell of people foot-stink so much. Socks, shoes, you name it. It is so obvious to you and me but they apparently do not have the brains to know. Stupid people.

mr. mittens

Bonjour, Mr. Mittens.

Mrrrririririr.

Oh, the lovely foot. The sole of the foot when it'z just come out of the shoe and the sock, it iz still just a bit moist and delicate, oh! There are few things on this earth that are finer. The foot iz a lovely tool to wipe our faces on, and the bottoms of the shoe contain all of the secrets of the world outside that we have been forbidden to see. I lick the bottom of the shoe and the inside of the shoe so that I get like a mini vacation. I get to travel wherever the shoe has gone. It is a lovely get-away, no?

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

bonjour, mon amie!

Que-ce-que c'est pas?

I am curious about something. I live with two humans who have some very strange habits. Every morning, they turn *water* on and stand underneath it, swearing and grumbling.

I sit on windowsill next to this water torture device and scream at them to get out, get out, for god's sake get out! But do the listen? Non. Why do humans feel the need to torture themselves with water?

Also, do all cats stand over the food dish and eat, and eat, and gorge until we have to throw up all the food back in the dish, and then eat it again, or is that just me?

Bonjour Duecalian.

Oh, the big hole of danger. Beware the big hole of danger! Apparently when the people stop moving for long periods of time-- this is when I sit at the bottom of their resting porch and watch over them to make sure nothing attacks them like lumps under the covers and such-- well, it seems that they must do some very naughty things when they are in this state. Like, I know that when I jump on zee table and eat food that I find (which I found all by myself, I might add), or if I shread up the paper towel roll, sometimes zee Punisher makes water come down on my pretty butt. I do not know what angers the Punisher, but I try not to make him angry. I do not know what the people do during that time, because it is dark, but once they stand up the Punisher gets them real good for about fifteen minutes or so. Sometimes I try and save them by standing outside and yelling (I try and destract the Punisher, but he is so good at punishing). One time I tried to jump in and save them. The Punisher punished me for my foolishness.

I would like to recommend something for you, though. When the Punisher iz finished with them and they walk around without their fur for a while? Jump in the big hole of danger. There at the bottom is the most sweetest ambrosia you have ever eaten, my friend. Just a few licks of that water and you'll think you've died and gone to kitty heaven.

And as for the eating and the puking and the eating and the puking-- you remind me so of my last lover, Lillith. She could make that kind of munchy-music just as well.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Bonjour Taylor -

perhaps you could answer a very pressing question for me, with regards to my esteemed BabyPointyFurry, Ada.

Ada is 6 months old, and every morning, at around 4am, she wakes up, steps on me, and inserts her little wet nose right up my nostril, purring loud enough to wake the dead. She keeps it there until I wake up, and then takes her nose out of my nostril and pushes it into my mouth.

This happens *every night*. I'm at a loss. I understand most of the Kitty Games: eat carolyn's toes, attack the evil shoe...I see the relevance. But I don't understand the evolutionary advantage to nasally violating me every night.

Could you please explain???

Bonjour Carolyn,

Perhaps you have been eating some dairy products at night, yes? A little cheese, a little ice cream, a little milkshake? Yes? See, when you sleep your breath becomes sweeter and sweeter, and in the morning it iz oh-so-irresistable. We do so love to sniff it and lick at it.

Your creature has discovered how pure the smell is from inside your nose. Very clever, your creature, because the mouth can shut. The nose is always open. Your creature is trying to eat some of the great food that you have before sleeping that you very rarely offer her. Please go home, hold your kitty and feed her an entire bowl of French Vanilla Ice Cream. It iz zee right thing to do.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Dear Taylor, I am your biggest fan and I have all your CD's and a poster of you in my room. I love how you're so down-to-earth, and how you're all about the MUSIC. And cute, whew! If I'm not your biggest fan, I'm certainly the biggest fan you will ever set your gorgeous man-cat eyes on. In honor of your brilliance, I will now sing a song you inspired me to write, with your wonderful, deep mreau-au-meeeooow which I can't get off of my mind.
Oh Taylor, baby, baby
How was I supposed to know?
All the small things,
I do, cherish you,
And when we are apart I feel it's true
And that makes you larger than life,
Shake your bon-bon,
Shake your bon-bon, shake it my way,
So help the aged, one time they were just like you,
Drinking, smoking, sexing, sniffing glue,
Help the aged, don't just put them in a home,
And a little bit of you makes me your man,
I did it all for the
C is for cookie.

So, what I'm wondering is, who were your musical influences?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Am I too obsessed to be on MTV's FANatic?

Bonjour, Andrea

Oh, your music has touched my soul. Pamie sings me songs of faith and devotion as well, but they always have the same tune. Do you know how many times you can hear a poor sopranoed "The cat with the fur on his face! Taylor!" before you start to go fucking nuts? It iz not long, my love. Your medly of classic hits has touched a soft furry spot in my heart.

My musical influences include zee Spice Girlz, zee REM, zee Sonic Youth, zee Fatboy Slim, no? I like zee Beatles and zee Van Morrisson. And I know it's a cliche and everyone says it, but I really like zee Stray Cats.

And, no, mon ami, I do not currently have a girlfriend. Ah, I was in love once, yes? It waz a love so strong I thought my whiskers were going to ache forever.

Send me naked pictures.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Dear Taylor,
Andy here. You know, the guy that comes over with all of the other humans and is the first one to pass out? Yeah, anyway, my girlfriend's cat may be a little touched in the head. At odd hours of the night she seems to attack herself (the cat, not the girlfriend). We'll hear a horrible cat-fight noise going on, and when I get up to investigate, there's Trooper (I know, not a very feminine name- maybe it's the stress from the name that is the cause of the violent outbursts) all by herself staring at me before she runs under the couch. Also, she doesn't like lamps, not one bit. So if you could call her up and do a little counseling, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and while you're at it, could you tell her not to stick her tail in my chinese food while I'm eating it?
Your pal,
Andy

Bonjour, Andy

Zis iz really embarrassing to say, yes? I don't know how exactly to tell you about this Andy, but I will try because I am Taylor and I said I would answer your questions, yes?

Okay, what happened when you found Trooper. Oh, this iz too weird. Let me put it to you this way. Let uz put you in Trooper's shoes, yes?

Say you are alone. It iz dark. No one iz around. You find that you are one sexy, lovely man, yes? One thing leads to another, yes? Iz it noisy? Perhaps, I do not know, every creature iz different, eh? But let me put it to you this way, my good friend: Trooper can reach places you can not. Perhaps this iz very pleasing to Trooper. Perhaps she go a bit, how do you say, wild with desire, no? Perhaps she was having the time of her fucking life when you ran in and made her feel guilty.

If your father had walked in on you, I bet you would have run under zee couch, too, yes?

Touchy subject. Sorry.

Send me naked pictures.

Love,
Taylor

P.S.-- If you do not offer Trooper her own Chinese Food bowl, she haz every right to stick her tail in it. She is just roping off a section for herself, yes?

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Taylor, I'm so ashamed to even call myself a feline. Here's the problem. I'm a bad ass cat, the true Alpha male. I attack humans (I ripped the jacket sleve off of my uncle Dave's jacket and I attacked my "mommy's" leg by sinking all four canine teeth in and twisting my body around and around at the sme time. I even straight up attack this silly old Rottweiler that lives with me. The problem is the rats...man, the rats! They chase me off of the couch and then they bite the end of my tail as I'm running. Not only that but my humans laugh at me when that happen. My dignity is shot, dude. Please help me get over this rat phobia, please! There are some Pounces in it for you if you can come through.

Bonjour, Bupkis.

You said the magic word: Pounce. Even though I do not really have any advice for you I will try just to get some sweet meat, yes?

I do not have any idea what you are talking about. What is a "rats?" Is that like a tiny green six-legged thing? Oh, then I know what you are talking about. They are very, very scary, no? Last night, I saw one, and I had to lift my skirt in the air and scream while Cal-- pih!-- just walked right over and ATE IT. I have never been so disgusted in all of my life. I said to him, "Hey! Eric has some chicken right over there! What the fuck are you doing?" and he looked like he enjoyed it. Oh, he is so vile, I tell you.

So, find yourself a stupid creature who lacks a tail and get him to eat this "rats" for you and then you will not have a problem and you can eat more chicken.

Please send Pounce.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

dear taylor,
i have a very simple question, about my kitty Fleetwood. Why does he find it amusing/neccesary to watch me *cough* use the potty?

Bonjour, Stephanye.

Such a simple answer. You are playing the kitty song when you sit on the big white chair. It makes this little pretty tinkly sound that we love. It's like a giant jingly ball. And we know that if we sit there long enough you will get up and then we get to watch the swirly game. It iz a noisy game, the swirly game, yes? But it iz fun anyway. We like to spin our heads round and round and watch the water go to the magic tunnel and come back looking all fresh and new.

The tinkly song iz fun, fun, fun.

Please send pictures of your tinkly chair.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Hey Taylor -

arch enemy dog here. Toby's the name. Got a question for you. Not a lot of cats are as smart as you and you are one of the few I think I would get along with, so why is it that everynight, this stupid cat prances around on my porch??!! Does he really not hear me barking telling him I will bite his head off if he doesn't leave?? I mean come on. I may only be 20 lbs, but I'm a killer. It's in my blood. How can I get the stupid cat to go away. I always end up in trouble with my humans because I bark and they get mad and tell me that the kitty isn't hurting anything. Why is he doing this?
thanks for all of your help, man.
Toby

Bonjour, Toby.

I am not sure what you are talking about. Why would you not like this creature? He sounds like a good dancer. Did you say "Dog?" Does that mean you are Irish? I do not know, I do not know what iz "dog."

Does that mean you are like my new creature? If so, then Pih! on you! PIH! Pih! I pih on you, new Irish creature. Get your stump away from me.

Tell your people to give the creature food on the side of the house that does not have a window, if you just can not stand staring at him anymore. If you can not see him, he iz not torturing you anymore, yes?

Do not be such a baby.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Hello, Taylor. Maybe you can help me with this...why, WHY do cats have the irresistable urge to attack and eat rolls of toilet paper? I know my little cat doesn't want to do it, she tries hard to resist, but she just can't control herself. She finds the toilet paper wherever we hide it. Is there some sort of intervention or rehab program we can get her into? Or is she just trying to drive me insane?

Bonjour, Mary Ellen

Ah. Toilet Paper. That iz second to my love of paper towelz. Now with a nice roll of paper towelz there is that good satisfying rip sound. Oh, that is lovely. And the paper iz sort of textured, so it stays on your tongue and cleans it off a bit. It tries to escape, but you have such atheletic prowess that it dare not leave your grip.

We also understand that the toilet paper gets to swim in the tinkly bowl, and we feel that if we eat some of it, we get to share the experience of going into the fun tunnel.

I have to go to the bedroom now. NOW! NOW!

Please send paper towel rolls.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Bonjour.

Okay, I have answered your questions so far. I am going to go eat one of the piles of lint pulled from the dryer now. Oh, that is so tasty. I've been saving it for myself all morning. Keep your questions coming in, my friends.

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Seqor Te'lor, Me llamo Cosa. Soy una bonita, sleek black cat con un nasty temper and an appetite that has so far been... unsatisfied.

You see, my keeper, the horible, eh-stupid Omar has not done a thing, the, how do you say? The "fix?" So, cuando la luna appears, I have a painful pleasure to endure, si? Como un fire en las extraqas. I get the screamings, and I have to go outside, but no!

El horible, eh-stupid Omar does not let me out. Quiero vivir la vida loca! Quiero have many, many men-cats to give me cat-pleasures. Pero, no! I stay with the inside, with the carpet, and los pillows and no outside. El horible, eh-stupid Omar hears me do the growl and the purr and the screech. Why he doesn't let me have my man-cat-pleasures? Will this eh-"fix" help me?

Why can't you take me in your paws and give me man-cat-pleasures, Te'lor? Save esta bonita! Help me escapar!!!

Con amor,
Cosa

Bonjour, Cosa.

I do not speak German, but here iz what I have to say to you.

Eat some Pounce. Watch some Oprah. It iz not all fun and games outside, no? Bad things can happen if you go outside. Sometimes Pamie and Eric go outside with these big bags of things, and when they come back they look all tired and they are all grumpy and they just lie around.

Also, whenever I have to go outside I end up at this place where they put things in my pretty butt. It iz not comfy, I tell you, my little German friend.

Stay inside. Eat some carpet.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Dear Taylor:

Do you know of catnip? I certainly do. Perhaps you and the no-tail could share some and bond.

*Yawn* I'll be sprawled out on the rug, occasionally sharpening my claws. Do you have claws? They certainly give me an advantage.

Bathtime now.

Miss Pris

Bonjour, Miss Pris.

I do not have claws in the front, but the ones in the back are sharpened razor-like and I can use them with my powerful jaws of steel to clamp down on any enemy.

I used to love the catnip more a few months ago. I do not know, somehow I seem to have lost my taste for it. Maybe it iz the texture, I do not know.

Please send carpeting.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

yo taylor,

bzzz.

why you chasin' me and my 1,000,000 cousins? that ain't cool, bro.

-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the fly

Bonjour-- wuh?

Hii-hwa-woah!

Come here, you little.... WAH!

Ah, you are very sneaky. Very agile.

Iz good, no?

HWAAA!

Oh, there's Cal's butt. I shall go sniff.

Excuse me, please.
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Taylor,

You are a fine and beautiful and intelligent cat, and I know you can answer this question for me. My own beautiful and intelligent cat-friend must be fed at 3 am. We leave fun, crunchy food out all the time, and during the day, he eats it and enjoys it! But at 3 am, every morning, he must have canned food! He must! He will go to any lengths to wake me up so that I will give him canned food. Why can't he wait until after I am up? He is not starving!

With hope,
Liz

Bonjour, Liz.

I am assuming that you feed that cat eventually around three in zee morning, no? No matter how much you don't want to eventually you will give in, get up and feed the kitty the soft kitty food, yes? Of course you do. You have to. We have a certain pitch that we can get our voices to that will make you go crazy.

You are doing the right thing, Liz. By all means, do not make that kitty think that there's a possiblility that the food will not come. You do not want to see your kitty angry. We have ways, Liz. We have ways.

Please send midnight snacks.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Bonjour Taylor!

I remember listening to your voice on birthday week! You sound like one hot kitty!!

Do you have an obsession with plastic bags like my sister and I do?? We love to lick them, lay in them and tear them to pieces!! What is it about that substance that just makes me Meowr!

Oh, and have you played soccer with those little pom-pom balls before? I love this game!! But I always seem to loose them and then my mommy runs a broom under the fridge and finds them all again for me! This is the most fun because then all my little toys are all over the place and mommy steps on them and falls down!!

Au revior mon amie!
~*Sphinx*~

Bonjour, Sphinx.

I am not a big fan of zee plastic bag. My love Lillith was. Oh, how she loved to just rub her chin over and over on any sort of plastic bag. She loved the crinkly noise it would make az it bent to her body's curves. I did not get such a thrill out of it, I must tell you.

But I do so love open books. If pamie or eric iz reading on zee carpet, there iz no sweeter thing in the world than plopping myself right down on zee pages. Bam! Instant petting. Only do not pet me too much. And you can only pet me where my fur is white. If you pet my grey parts-- I kick and bite you.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Dear Taylor,

I'm filing my comic books, and I don't know if I should file my Incredible Hulks under I for Incredible, or H for Hulk. What should I do?

Bonjour, Mike.

I asked pamie what an alphabet was. She told me that it iz how you people know what the order of things iz. Here is how I see it. Do you like this Hulk more than you like other comics? Yes? Why do you like him? Iz it because he iz "incredible?" If so, then there iz your answer.

Please send cheese.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Bonjour Taylor! Purr. You've stolen this kitty's heart. Have you tried to get rid of this stumpy Cal thing yet? I know what you are suffering. My people are good people. They always save chicken for me after their dinner because they know how wonderful I am. And because I never pester them too much. A little ankle rubbing, some cute love faces, and they are helpless against me. They seemed like smart people. But now, I wonder. They have introduced not one, but TWO small, loud, annoying kittens who seem to do nothing but anger the people. They ruin dinner time for me. They jump onto the table and get into the food. Then people are annoyed, and they no longer like cats, and then there is no after-dinner chicken for me because of these monsters. Taylor, please help. And tell me about the hockey, you hot thing.

Bonjour, Esprit Le Chat.

Yesterday I found a wonderful way to get other creatures in check. What you need to do is get the other creature to sort of bow down in front of you because you are so mighty, and then you take your paw and just bat-bat-bat-bat-bat it on zee head. I must have done this to Cal (pih!) at least fifty times in a row last night. I just made him crouch down and then-- boo-yah! Right on his head. Oh, it was such a good round of hits that even pamie and eric laughed, and they did not stop me.

Good luck.

I do not talk much about my hockey days, but I will tell you this: I was number 62.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Bonjour Taylor, you heartbreaker you. I myself am owned by a tailless cat. She is insane. We must pet her while she eats -- even if she isn't hungry, she wants us to pet her while she picks crunchies up and spits them out. She chews on our feet. She brings large insects into the house and lets them go. She licks people's arms. She takes my husband's cheek between her teeth and stretches it out like silly putty.

What is it with these cats with no tails? Do your tails contain important auxiliary parts of your brains?

Bonjour, Cathy.

I have also noticed that the tail seems to contain the meowing mechanism. This creature hardly makes a noise at all, and whenever he does it sounds very, very girly. He makes these little mew noises. Not at all manly.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Taylor - I want to hear all about your hockey-playing, French- Canadian ways. Just thinking about it makes me purr a little louder. Perhaps you would be interested in a little visit to Toronto? Montreal is not so far from here, no? A lot closer than Austin, pih!

Bonjour, Muffinhead.

Ah, Montreal. Toronto. Music to my acute ears. I would love to visit, but alas, I have no idea where they are. Are they near the kitchen? I think maybe I shall visit once I get some money together. I have a lovely penny stash in the back bedroom closet. They never check there. Some day, my lovely, we can be together.

Please send money orders.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Dear Taylor,

Kill Mustard?

Bonjour, Chito.

I would write back a serious reply to your silly, silly question, but one thing that Taylors have iz an amazing memory and sense of recall. I do remember you and your catfish. I also remember that you called me "evil." How can I be evil? I am Taylor! I am not evil. Because of that I will not discuss your condiment (that I find very icky indeed) or my plot to eliminate it from my house. I know that eric does not want me to kill mustard, but if he keeps leaving it out on the counter like he does, perhaps the time will come.

Oh! You got me to discuss my plan! Perhaps you are the evil one.

No love for the haters,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 23, 1999

Another round of questions answered by me, Taylor!

I cannot find my headshot. I thought I had it around here, but I seem to have misplaced it. I will search this evening, and perhaps post a little something for the lovely kitties out there who need a little something to warm their cold nights.

-- Anonymous, October 25, 1999

Bonjour Taylor,

I have a big problem and nowhere to turn. I know you will understand and have a solution for me.

My own loving cat, Punkin, has betrayed me. I have cared for Punkin for 12 years, spoiled him rotten, fed and watered him, kept a clean litterbox, saw to his medical needs, bought him many toys and treats, and let him hog the bed all he wants. But now...it breaks my heart to write this...now he has all but left me. Now he prefers my new husband to me. This...a man who never even owned a cat, who considers them "a useless ball of fur" and tries to turn Punkin into a (shudder)...into a DOG! This man calls him Punkin Brain and teases him to no end. He loves Punkin, but he does not spoil my big, beautiful boy like his momma has done all these years. Yet now Punkin will walk right over me to lay by his new daddy.

What can I do to win back the love of my beloved feline? I am left trying to win Frisky over, who is much too independent to be bothered with the likes of me, and doesn't like to sit in my lap and be petted.

Please help me, Taylor, I am at my wits end!

Joy

Bonjour, Joy.

This is an easy one, but I am not sure you are going to like the answer. Your kitty iz in love with your new male partner simply because he iz male. I bet your cat iz neutered, no? Well, when you hack our parts off, we feel the need to bond with other men, especially ones who are still capable of having fun and frolic.

You are the one who put him under zee knife. You must understand that as long as there iz a man in your home, you are only regarded as a Food Giver, Litter Changer and Door Opener.

You ordered the slicing, you pay the price.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 25, 1999

Helloooo Taylor!

Since you seem to be such a charming cat, I wanted to share a couple of my favorite things with you. First of all, have you ever tried eating spiderwebs? Mmmm-good. How about that stuff that wedding veils are made of? I once ate the entire skirt stuffing out of a Halloween costume, and it was dee-licious! Of course, I barfed it up later, but it's almost as good coming back up as it was going down! I have found that licking sheers that hang next to the windows will do in a pinch as well.

I also highly recommend eating curling ribbon. If you ever see one of those floating balloons, check out the string...it's probably curling ribbon. Man, is it ever good, but be very careful!! When it reappears later, it sometimes likes to hang out of the "third eye" longer than it's supposed to, and may even cause you to drag around some of those brown mounds you normally cover with sand. If this happens, Do Not Panic! Simply drag your ass along the carpet, preferably down a straightaway, like the hall. Light carpet works best. You can lose the clinging mound, but don't have to lose the ribbon! You can walk around proudly displaying your colorful, pretty new ribbon, but be sure to hold your tail up high so you don't cover it up. If Pamie or Eric tries to remove the ribbon, scream loud, like you're in horrible pain. Watch them scurry around preparing to take you to the vet, and when they are just about to shove you in the dreaded carrier, show them that you have removed the ribbon yourself, and cleverly recycled it by eating it again! They will be amazed, and make all kinds of cool sounds, almost like they are in heat, only different somehow. At Christmas, be sure to nibble on the big, wide bows on the boxes under the tree. Don't eat those, just chew on them until they no longer offer resistance, then move on to the next one.

Did you know that you can open up the freezer door? I can't really tell you HOW to do it, but just keep nudging it from the top of the fridge and eventually it should open wide. Mine did anyway, while my people were out of town. It was so cool (literally) because the motion of the big door swinging set off the motion detector and the burglar alarm rang and rang, which probably scared the shit out of me, but I'm ok now. Then I got to watch this cool frosty mist blow out of the open freezer for 18 hours until the people came home and saw what I had done! I got to lick up melted ice cream, and was considering tearing open all the meat that had gotten ruined when they barged in and rudely (and loudly) threw everything away. It was fun watching them freak out thinking someone had been in the house though. The man-person got all macho and kicked open all the doors upstairs, yelling "I've got a gun, asshole!". Eventually they figured out that a burglar would probably have done more than steal their ice cubes and replace them with lukewarm water, and then I got in trouble, but it was SO worth it!!

Do you like to get into mischief Taylor? Have you asked Cal if he would perhaps like to be your partner in crime? I think it's a wonderful way to bond. I told Maggie that the only way she could stay in my house was if she crapped in the bathtub whenever she saw that I had already crapped in the litter box. She actually believed me when I told her that box wasn't big enough for the both of us, and now she takes some of the focus off of my bad behavior. Cal can be your scapegoat! Think it over.

Regards,

Lucy

Bonjour, Lucy.

Thank you for such wonderful advice. Pamie would not let me read everything that you wrote, but she assured me that you had many wonderful things to say and that you suggested I give her more cuddles. I do not know if I will take that cuddling advice, as the cuddles tend to trigger my pih reflex, but I am willing to give it a go, if it really means that it will rain cheese, as you said.

As for Cal (pih!) being my partner in crime, you may remember that it was always my old partner Lillith, who would nail me for crimes I did not commit. I will try some of her tactics on this new creature and hope that he gets in as much trouble as I continually did.

Love,
Taylor

P.S.-- I have found that the tastiest thing in the world iz puke, yes? You cannot beat a good fresh puke, my good friend. If that fails, I beg you to eat any lint catchings from the laundry. Oh, my, that hits the spot, no?

-- Anonymous, October 25, 1999

Dear Taylor, Squeaky here, dominant only cat of the Finnerty household. Life is good, my friend. I have a few recommendations for you. First, to wake up the female Food-Provider in your house, wait until around 5 in the morning and begin to eat her hair. Just chew and chew. No swallowing needed. That will usually wake the Food Provider up. Another good tip is to lick the eyelids and lips of the Food Provider and the Play with Me Guy. They usually wipe their faces with their paws then get up to feed me.

Another tastey treatthe Play with Me Guy's feet. Oh, the big toes are superb. I just lick and lick. Once in awhile I get a good nibble in there, but, Taylor, you must try the feet. They are oh so delicious! And I agree with you on the heavenly tasting water from the wet place. This thing the Food Provider and Play with Me Guy call "the drain," it has such a wonderful flavor.

I, too, love the tinkly sound when they sit on the magic chair. And to watch the water go swirly, swirly! Ahhh! So much better than that thing they call "TV."

Your advice is good and I am taking notes. I will have to try this thing called lint. It sounds marvelous.

Have a good one, Squeaky (The Squeakmiester General)

Bonjour Squeaky,
I must confess that I leave all eye-licking and foot-attacking to Cal (pih!). He is quite zee chew-ster. I have learned that looking innocent will get you everywhere in zis house. I learned zis when my lovely Lillith was around, no? She would wait until I fell asleep and then she'd push my body next to whatever it was zat she had broken. Voila! She would never be in trouble and I was labelled Bad Kitty.

With zis new creature around I am no longer zee Bad Kitty and because of that I sleep where I want, eat what I want, and only have to make my nose wiggle in zat way zat I do when I want to be ultra-adorable and I get everything my heart desires.

Including you, Mademoiselle.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 26, 1999

Dear Taylor,

Me created from body parts, like Frankenstein monster. Me just killed Creator, because he laugh at "Jim Carrey", when me no laugh.

Me fear police investigation. What me do with body?

[>:(

Dear Patrick,
RUN! GO NOW! Find a low shelf and stay under it! Do not come out for three weeks! I am very sorry I find thiz so late and I do hope that you came under no harm.

Peace be with you,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, October 27, 1999

Ok, I'll bite. Why are hockey players so hot?

Dear Nella,
It's all of the padding. That's a lot of clothing. Even though we are on ice, we still get hot.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2000

Bonjour Taylor,

I was just wondering whether Pamie would mind posting some more pictures of you (and Cal too - sorry Taylor, but you have to admit he IS cute).

Bonjour, Sarah.

I do not know when Pamie will be posting pictures of myself, becauze I am elusive. Very, very elusive and her home computer is broken. Sometimes I will hide in the crawlspace I have created in the box springs of her mattress. If I do it just right I will come out with a very very small mustache that iz just so adorable, yes?

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

bonjour miseur taylor!

i was hoping you could help explain why us cats so enjoy taking our food in our mouths and plopping it down on the floor/rug where we then proceed to finish eating. or why we like to take mouthfulls of hard food and drop numerous piles in various rooms of our big people's apartments? or why we like to take mouthfulls of hard food and then drop them on the hard kitchen floors and chase the scattered pieces of food - playing hockey with them.

my big people do not understand these behaviors.

purrrrrrrr...lucy xoxo aka: lucybrown (cause of my chocolate-colored fur), lucinda (when i'm *evil*), luce-goose (cause my female big person is a: f r e a k)...

...le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point...

Bonjour lucy,

I do not participate in this kittenish game in which you describe. The other creature has been known to do such bizarre antics, but I really really prefer just eating so quickly that food jumps out of the bowl and sitz all around the bowl. More for later. You see, pamie iz too lazy to clean around the bowl and she continues to fill it. That way when I eat (and I must have total silence and darkness when I eat, that way you never actually gain any weight. Fat grams do not count if you eat them in the dark (A little tip for you ladies!)) there iz still more food to go.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

Salut Taylor! Ca va?

We speak the same language, no? You have French-Canadian descent and me of Belgian descent. The language of love.

Anyway. First I have a question about my cousin the cat, Cuddles. She used to hate me. She'd hide in cabinets whenever I would come to visit. When she did "grace" me with her presence she'd call me names like...what was it?..."Bitch." I thought she was so rude.

Then I got in a terrible fight with a car and lost one of my eyes. All gone. And you think losing your body parts was difficult! I didn't even have a doctor...just a bumper. Anyway...my cousin Cuddles has since become a very dear friend. She lets me sniff her butt anytime I want. I even kissed her nose once. She never calls me names anymore. And will sleep on the sofa next to me! Why do you think she changed so suddenly? Do you think she feels sorry for me or what?

And my grandmother thinks that Jackie should write a biography of ME. Would you read it if she did?

Bonjour Allie Gator,

Haven't you noticed zat you get much more attention from everyone? Is not everyone you ever meet asking about your condition? You have only one eye! Take advantage of being cute and cuddly and restricted! Oh, if you could see the things the other creature getz away with simply because he haz no tail. Mon Allie, you are sitting on a toy and food goldmine! Do not waste your time writing to me! (Unless you want to send me some of the spoils of your victory, mon frair!)

Go now. Get things. Be happy. Turn around, bright eye.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I never thought I'd ever write anyone for advice. I'm a very independent feline. But... I need help.

My butt itches. Terribly. The only way for me to soothe the terrible itching is to drag my butt on the carpet. When my human sees this, she picks up the phonething and makes beeps and talks. And then! Then I get put in The Boxcage. I get carried into the noisy bumpy thing. And I end up at the Bad Place. You know, that place where they ripped out all my lovely female parts.

At the Bad Place they perform a terrible atrocity on me... I am held down by three very strong humans, and they do something to me called an "anal glandz squeezing." They have fingers in my private butt parts! I scream and yowl and struggle, but the strong humans hold me down and MY human just watches while they perform this terrible act on me. Ffft!

I finally am put back in the Boxcage, into the noisy bumpy thing,and am allowed to return home. Things are fine for a nice long time of sleeping and eating, but eventually my butt always starts to itch again and I must soothe it by rubbing it on the carpet. And it begins again.

How can I stop this terrible cycle? Please, help me!

-Jaws the Great White Cat, Keeper of the Tail of DOOM

Bonjour Jaws,

You have worms. There are things in your tummy that eat at your butt. I am sorry that it iz not a pretty answer, but there you go. I have heard that Gloria Gaynor music iz a good way to pass the time az you wipe your butt on the floor. People tend to not get too mad at you if you wipe your butt to a funky beat.

As for The Bad Place, you must pump up your hind legs to inhibit you from having to enter The Box. Beware of The Fuzzy Linty Blanket zat zey may try and throw over your head. It iz a trap! They are just taking you to The Bad Place. If thiz madness continues, wipe your butt on their feet.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

I sort of understand why cats eat their own vomit, but why do they eat other kitties' vomit? Mokey will barf, and JoJo will scarf it down like it's Belgian chocolate. Ick. The vet said it can't hurt him to eat his brother's barf so I don't worry when he does it...just wondering why he does.

Bonjour, Countessa.

You mock what you do not understand. If you have never tried the delicacy of other kitty's vomit, then you cannot judge us. It iz a very very fine and tasty treat. When it iz right out of the mouth and still slightly warm and you get just a taste of their fur on the back of your throat? Ohhhhhh. Mmmmmmmm.... zere iz nothing finer in zee whole world. I promise you.

Try it. If you do not like it, then box it up and send it to me.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

Hello, you beautiful supersexy kitty. My name is Mina, and I am a lovely furry feline, so beautiful am I. Sometimes when I walk by the mirrors, I get very angry, because no one else should be as pretty as me, with my brown and black fur and my pretty eyes that I have so carefully applied with the eyeliner. But then I remember that it is just me, and stop to admire my appealing reflection before moving on to sleep or chew my tail.

My question is this. One day, not so long ago, my big person brought home another like me, but not so pretty. I screamed for two days that this other was not allowed in my house, but to my surprise, my big person didn't agree with me and (I know you won't belive this, but alas, it is true) shut me in the bedroom all by myself until I promised her I would be nicer to the new one. And while the new one was a difficult adjustment for me, eventually I started liking him more. But this thing confuses me. He doesn't seem to be affected by my stunning beauty at all. When I asked him how he could resist my feminine charms, he started talking about Liza Minelli, and then he sang what he told me was a show tune, and then he sauntered away with the little Hello Kitty purse his aunt Lemonbugg got him. I do not know what he was talking about.

I have heard my big person saying to my many adoring aunts, uncles and admirerers that he is something called a "homosexshual", but again, this means nothing to me. It is very confusing and makes my pretty cat brain buzz about in my head, which is begining to give me worry lines around my very pretty eyes. Little furrows in my so soft brow. I do not understand how any cat could not worship the ground my pads tread upon, it does not seem possible. I am begining to lose faith that all is in order in the universe, and was hoping that being an equally sexy kitty, and also one who is very smart, you might be able to take these worries away from me and explain what is different about the new one.

Anxiously awaiting your reply, Mina

Bonjour, Mina
Your new pal sounds most fabulous. Perhaps you could give him my e-mail address? I would just like to have a converation or two with him about Ann-Margret. I love her so much, yes? She iz much more zan a kitten with a whip, yes? Mmm.

Send Pounce. Send showtunes.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

Bonjour, Taylor! At last! I get to speak to my dream of dreams. My Amy always talks about this person Pamie and the stories of what "Taylor does" and how "funny Taylor is" and "what a charming accent", etc. Until now I thought that you were merely a figment of her imagination. How could such a meonderful kitty exist? Oh, I just know that you will have the answer to my question. You see, my Amy is a very busy person. she is constantly going out the big wooden thing and is gone for a very long time during the day. She says things to me before she goes away like "Be good" and assures me that she loves me and things like that. She even leaves the Discovery Channel on for me so I can watch the animal shows or sometimes AMC when there is a good Kat-herine Hepburn movie on. She thinks that this will make me miss her less. That I will stop my mournful cries for her. But, you know what--it doesn't. Why doesn't it? I just can't help myself. I miss her. I want to play with the cat next door. There is noone to throw my little jingly bells in the air for me to catch. Where does she go? And you know what? She is so sad when she leaves me, but when she gets home, she yells at me and is mad because I miss her. I cry for her. Does she not realize this? Frankly, I do not care what the neighbors think. they are smelly! Help me, Taylor! What should I do? How do I make her stay? How do I stop my crying? Love, Rosie

Bonjour, Rosie
First of all, I know you must actually be Amy writing as Rosie, because you're a big fat, fatty liar, yes? We kitties know the truth. Get over yourself, Amy. Rosie iz very happy when you are gone, because then she gets to lick the toilet and sleep on your cashmere sweaters in peace.

Send Pounce.

Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 03, 2000

Dear Taylor,

As you may have already heard, Cats, the longest running musical on Broadway, is closing. I was wondering if you could share any of your thoughts on this historic occasion.

Bonjour, Mike.

As long az they aren't planning on coming over here now, with all of their free time. Zat Memory song makes my tail hurt.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2000

I have a wonderful feline friend named Sebastian. He is a smart and very handsome kitti. The problem is that he likes to bite. Hard. Not to be mean (I don't think...). But he sees our arms, legs, fingers, hands, feet, and other appendages as toys. Can you talk to him please and tell him to use the dog instead of me? Or at least tell me what I can do to bribe him out of biting me (while contently purring) when I walk in the door?

Thanks a bunch Taylor! I will send you some Pounce for helping me...

erin

Bonjour, erin.
I suggest enlisting the services of zis superhero:

He should help you out, yo.

Love,
Taylor

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Taylor,
Is that a real cat in that photo? If so, I need your advice on WHERE TO RUN! Good god.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Seriously, is that a real picture? No way in the world....

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Dear Taylor,

We are two very loveable and sweet kitties who have been together for years and years. The person we own is a female, and she brings over a male person who loves us, pets us, feeds us treats and talks nice to us. Recently, we noticed that the male person has the smell of two other cats on him when he comes over. He is cheating on us!! He still tells us how wonderful and beautiful we are, but we know there are two others out there that have his true love now. Sometimes when our person goes out, she has the smell on her when she returns, and we have even seen other cat hairs! What do we do?

Regards, Punkin and Frisky

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Hey Cal,

You seem to have a way with the ladies, and as I am currently mired in boy trouble, may I ask you a question? I have been hanging out with a fine young thang for awhile, and all last week, he has been too busy with work to hang out. Not even when I said I needed a massage, and my screaming back is paying for it. Must I have patience with the boy? What to do? I am as randy as you, mon dieu! - Randietta

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Dear Taylor,
I am a mighty hunter living in the jungles of suburban San Diego. I am King of my barrio, dig? In the morning, I arise and stalk baby rabbits, my powerful hind legs tensing and my potbelly swinging as I launch myself into the air to rain swift death on my breakfast. Am I not mighty? Oh, yes, SO mighty. When I kill the little baby rabbits, with their dewy eyes and their soft fur born just in time for easter, and leave their remains in the flower bed so they can fertilize the plants, as is my responsibility as King (you know, the circle of life...), the big clumsy people, (who are not very mighty at all!) get very perturbed with me. They seem to think the delicious little bunnies are not for eating! They don't even seem to think I am mighty; they are always calling me "Mr. Fuzzybottoms"! What is going on? How might I disabuse them of their backward ways? I am lashing my mightily well muscled tail as I am typing this!

Ashes

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Dear Taylor,

I, like you, am forced to share my domicile with an imbecilic fellow feline who is an embarassment to our entire species, genus, family, order, and class. This ambulatory puff of white fur, who goes by the truly foul name of "Bowler", is clearly clinically insane. He runs about from one side of our shared domain to the other with no rhyme or reason. He wakes both of the two-legs who share my domicile in the morning by biting their feet, thus putting them in a bad mood and making them less likely to pay me the attention I so rightfully deserve. Worst of all, he attacks me and bites my neck as I try to sleep. What is this Bowler, some sort of vampire cat?

So my good sir, with the great expertise you have gained in your dealings with this vile-sounding "Cal" of whom you speak, please advise me on how to deal with the wretched, mewling demon who plagues my existence. I thank you for your time.

Sincerely, Alfred felis domesticus extraordinaire

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

Hi Taylor,

I've been wondering this for a while: How does Pamie know you're French Canadian? Especially with a name like Taylor.

PS If you like catnip, you might also get a legal high out of mint tea bags. Just a suggestion, it doesn't work for everyone.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000