Gang;

The humor-challenge should stop reading now!

As Oscar Wilde once said, Life is too serious to be taken seriously. So its time for a laugh, so here is my satirical Doomer scenario:

Dec 1999: Doomers head for the hills in a mass exodus that put Moses and company to shame. Space Aliens flee Area 51 in their saucers when they realize that the spin doctors have been blowing smoke up their asses (figuratively since Aliens dont have rectums) about Area 51s compliance.

Jan 1/2000 in Oz: The lights go out, but everybody is too drunk to notice.

Jan 1/2000 in Moscow: Mass infrastructure failure, bank runs, food and fuel shortages. Muscovites notice nothing out of the ordinary.

Russia launches its big strike, but a Y2K bug in the missile nav programs causes the entire strike to hit Antarctica. Mass extinction of penguins and Antarctic researchers results.

Jan 1/2000: Cheyenne mountain at full alert when the computers insists that the US is under attack by a Klingon battlecruiser.

Jan 1/2000: New York in total gridlock, tempers flair, everybody is totally rude. New Yorkers and regular visitors notice nothing out of the ordinary.

Jan 1/2000: Rio  The butterfly effect kicks in when a butterfly gets caught in a transformer circuit breaker. The entire global grid goes down. None of the generators work because of embedded chips. They really shouldve banned eating Pringles around the generators, we warned them, but would they listen. Cant cold start. Gary was right, or was it Ed?

Jan 1/2000: Panic reigns supreme as pollys freak out over no TV and no way to microwave the popcorn. In Miami they panic over warm beer, in Chicago keeping beer cold without power isnt a problem. Surprisingly, there is no rioting. This is attributed to the Chemtrails.

Jan 2/00: the big UN/NWO invasion of the US is underway, but due to Y2K bug in their nav program, they end up invading Upper Volta. President Ungi of Upper Volta is heard to remark "Where are we going to put them up?"

The Clintons wonder what theyre going to do with the one million "Been there, invaded the US, and have the T-Shirt" t-shirts they planned to sell to the UN troops.

Jan 5/2000: Still thinking Y2K is a US plot to ruin the Euro, Europeans wonder how the US has been able to pull it off so well. Some Europeans grouse that they cant even use the Euro for TP as the bills havent been distributed yet.

Jan 10/2000: US Dollar exchange rate is now one bill of any denomination for one sheet of TP as TP and US currency now used interchangeably. Gold going for one trillion US or 10 cans of Spam per ounce. TP to Duct Tape exchange rate is one roll for one roll.

Jan 30/2000: Town Criers announce that the world as we know it has officially ended. Film when we reinvent electricity and the television.

The Clintons are hand-stenciling "I feel your pain t-shirts and selling them for one billion US or a roll of TP each to the Democratic Party faithful that are still alive. April 15/2000: Much to everybodys surprise the IRS isnt dead. They send agents throughout the land, taxing 28 sheets from every roll of TP, three slices from every can of SPAM, and twenty feet of tape from every roll of Duct Tape. Some citizens also donate several rounds of .308, .223, and buckshot to a few unfortunate agents.

Col. Billy Bob of the True Blue Patriot militia, remarked on the survival of the IRS "Just like cockroaches, theyll survive anything."

April 30/2000: US Army runs out of MREs, new rations are now beans, hardtack, and salt horse. When the men bitch, the Gunny tells them It was good enough for the Army of the Potomac, so its good enough for you. Infantry actually is infantry again, Armored and Air Cav units learn to ride horses, and the US Airforce reorganized into the US Hot Air Balloon Corps. Tall ships are now the US Navys only operational units. Flogging reintroduced.

July 4/00: The South celebrates by declaring independence and forming the New Confederate States. Lead by a loose coalitions of Doomers, Militias, and Christian Reconstructionists, Montana, and Idaho also declare independence and are know as Meggidites, as they were all on the FBIs list. Everybody declares war on everybody else, but soon realize that they all used up their ammo shooting looters, programmers, and corporate spin doctors.

July 5/2000: Queen Elizabeth bitten to death by a Corgi. Prince Williams crowned King in a candlelight ceremony. Prince Charles bummed out.

July 10/2000: The SCA (the Medieval society) realizes that they are the only ones with working weapons; swords, battleaxes, and bows. The decide its time to take over and bring back the good old days of the 13th Century. Since they had long since had learned to live a Medieval lifestyle they survived the collapse of technological with their entire membership intact.

SCA membership grew exponentially since they are the only ones who seemed to know how to live with no technology.

Coincidentally, the Native Indians decide this is their chance to throw the white man out, and take up the bow and tomahawk.

July 20/2000: Confederate and US Governments commission Black Power arms manufacturers to produce the Springfield .58 cal rifled musket as the standard arm for their respective armies as nothing else more sophisticated can be manufactured. Old civil war cannons in every small town square commandeered

July 30/2000: Confederate and US governments recruit Civil War recreationists to train troops in the use of muskets, and to fight the initial battles of ACW II. The Meggidites recruit Mountain Man recreationists.

Aug 4/2000: In England, Prince Charles, supported by the SCA, clashes with King William, supported by the Life Guards and Beefeaters on the playing fields of Eton. While evenly matched in infantry and cavalry, the SCAs long bowmen take the day. Charles becomes King Charles III. The SCA become real nobles and knights. British pollys become the new peasantry.

Aug 5/2000: In Japan, a coalition of martial artists undertakes the Menjii Derestoration. Tishero Fujimori appointed Shogun, all foreigners are thrown out and Japan returns to isolation and its traditional ways.

Aug 6/2000: The Third Battle of Bull Run ends in a draw when both Union and Confederate recreationists break and run when they realize theyre firing real bullets at each other. Capt. Bobby Lee remarked A man could get hurt out there.

Aug 10/2000: Idaho Potato War breaks out as Meggidites, Indians, and SCA fight over the potato crop. Union and Confederate units force march to Idaho to confiscate the crop. Fighting Joe Wheeler IVs Confederates get their first because, in his own words No Yankee infantry can march more than 9 miles a day, and mine march 15. The Confederates abscond with all the spuds while everybody else is too busy fighting.

Aug 12/2000: Freddy Roosevelt finds a couple of cases of Kraag repeating rifles and ammo in the attic of the ancestral home. Realizing that he is better armed than anyone else and craving a decent cigar he organizes the New Roughriders and invades Cuba.

But due to a due to Y2K bug in their nav program, they end up invading Upper Volta. President Ungi of Upper Volta is heard to remark "Where are we going to put them up?"

Canadian, Russian, Czech, and Swede UN troops pass the time playing roller-blade hockey.

Jan 1/2001: Elvis, the King of Memphis, hosts a gala SPAM and Shine Millennium banquet to announce the marriage of his daughter, the Lady Bobby Joe to King Bo of Nashville, thereby uniting all of Tennessee under the SCA banner.

The SCA leadership in a closed session hatch the black powder impotency scare based on the fact that one of the ingredients in gunpowder is saltpeter. They start a rumor that black powder causes impotency and back it up with the historical evidence that the worlds population only took off with the replacement of black powder with smokeless powder. So obviously black powder caused an impotency during its heyday a fact that was covered up by the military in order to prevent mass desertions.

Since about the only people still left alive outside the SCA are doomers, who believe every conspiracy theory coming down the pike, they figure it should result in mass desertions in the other armies.

May 10/2001: Decimated by mass desertions due to the black powder impotency scare, and concerned at the growing power of the SCA, the remnants of the Union, Confederate and Meggidite armies unite against the SCA.

June 1/2001: Forever, know as the Glorious First of June. A combined SCA Native Indian force defeat the heavily outnumbered anti-SCA forces with massed archery and a charge by 2000 heavily armored knights. In a related battle, the Soux wipe out the US 7th Cavalry for the second time.

June 3/2001: The Treaty of Wazoo gives the SCA control of the US East of the Mississippi, and the Indians the lands to the West, except California which is controlled by a loose coalition of Bikers, Beach Bums, and New Age Crystal Worshipers, and Cascadia which is controlled by the Cult of the Tree Huggers.

June 4/2001: King Bo, crowned King of the Eastern US. He announces the official beginning of the Dark Ages amid the cheers of the SCA Lords and Ladies. SCA spin doctors convince the polly peasantry to not worry, be happy, and work hard.

Aug 2/2005: The Illinois Inquisition starts when Bishop Ryan, burns Northies heretics in Effigy, a small town outside of Springfield. They go to their deaths chanting God is Great, and Gary is the one true prophet.

Sep 23/2011: The Illinois Inquisition ends with the coronation of King Bo as Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire amid the cheers of the SCA Lords and Ladies. SCA spin doctors convince the polly peasantry to not worry, be happy, and work hard. Bishop Ryan appointed Pope Paul John I.

Chief Steppin Bull remarks that the Holy Roman Empire is neither Holy, Roman, or an Empire. Bummed out, Pope Paul John I, declares a Holy Crusade against the Heathen Indians.

Jan 1/ 2060: The Forth Crusades peters out due to lack of interest. Sage Brush, the historian referred to the Four Crusades as a whole lot of dying for a whole lot of nothing.

Apr 1/2060: Al the Alchemist fabricates a Babbage Difference Engine from an old book on the history of computing. He claims that the mechanical computer, composed of gears, levers, and cranks, will increase productivity. The President of the IBM Abacus company says the world will only need 5 at the most.

Aug 6/2065: Steam-powered Difference Engines become widespread, though it takes an entire room to house one. The operators become known as Clackers. In order to make best use of the limited number of gears and levers, dates are represented with only a 2 digit gear. Clacker Fred remarks, Hey they wont be using this model in 2100, so using 2 digits is no problem.

Oct 2/2085: The desktop Personal Crank-powered Difference Engines become widely available, they become known as PCs. Difference Engines are used everywhere, though new models can handle 4 digit dates, everybody still cast 2 digit gears out of habit.

May 10/2093: Willie De Jager publishes a warning in Clacker World that because of 2 digit gearing were facing a Y2.1K problem.

Nov 20/2096: Emperor Clint makes the Y2.1K problem a national priority and a appoints a committee of the House of Lords to oversee the problem.

Nov 23/2099: Doomers, armed with as many as 10 swords each, head for the hills with their store of beans, hardtack and salt horse. Sighting of hot air balloons spreading manure trails over the cities abound.

Harry North says to get your gold out because the moneylenders have only 3 gold coins in their vault for every 100 on deposit and their systems will surely fail because of 2 digit gearing. Marvin the Moneylender says We lend out the rest, how the hell else do you think we can pay you interest, cover the payroll, and earn a modest profit? He later remarked, Didnt Pope Paul John burn all these people?.

Imperial spin doctors announce that Y2.1K will only be a bump in the road and to only stock u

-- Tim Guay (tim_guay@hotmail.com), November 23, 1999

Answers

It's not called Upper Volta anymore, it's called Bukina Faso. And the president's name is Captain Blaise Compaore. Other than that, I think you got it right...

-- (CIA@World.Factbook), November 23, 1999.

What fun! Hey you didn't write Bimbo No. 5 did you?

-- Carol (glear@usa.net), November 23, 1999.

North's secret weapon

-- happy (fun@home.com), November 23, 1999.

As a Northie I guess I'm history when the 2005 inquisition starts...

-- Psychotic (y2k@doom&gloom.com), November 24, 1999.

A return in truth to these Present Middle Ages, but does this mean that the pollies get Pittsburgh ?

Pittsburgh is the traditional booby prize of the SCA Pennsic Wars, since Pennsic I. The loser gets Pittsburgh.

-- urth (urth@aol.com), November 24, 1999.

Beautiful...

What happened to Carthage?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), November 24, 1999.

What, no 'earth changes'?

-- flora (***@__._), November 24, 1999.

You forgot about the secret weapons stored around in old military supply depots which would make great differences in how the re- building of technological society would take shape. The secret weapons I refer to are: Slide Rules. He who takes command of the stocks of those precious artifacts will control the world.

The IBM Abacus Company will doubtless be overwhelmed by the forces of William Gates III and its line of slide rule products.

The slide rule, tool of the future! After all. Something used to make all the claculations for building the SR-71 and it doesn't even need batteries!

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), November 24, 1999.

What about the evil Elvis clones that were reported in the Bermuda Triangle? I forgot where I read it, but they are secretly working on a plan to create earthquakes of epic proporations by gyrating simultaneously at strategic faults located around the world.

-- Tim (pixmo@pixelquest.com), November 24, 1999.

http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Maison/8065/teddiescuddle.jpg

-- bear (happy@home.com), November 24, 1999.