Gary North's Y2K Links and Forums

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Category: Military Date: 1999-12-18 18:38:17 Subject: Another Opinion on the Navy's Compliance Comment: I received this e-mail. I offer it as an unconfirmed rumor. We shall see if it gets confirmed 13 days from now.

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. . . I work in the IT area for a "military installation". That installation is a part whereof the admiral "speaketh".

On Dec 1st, 1998 the installation declared itself compliant. I worked my butt off the month before trying to assist these toads in simply inventorying what was on the installation, then supposedly checking for compliance. Each individual was responsible for checking their own computer and all the employees then entered "attested" to the fact that they were "ok". Of course the weren't, like most civil serpents they were too damn lazy and disinterested in the whole process to be drawn away for that length of time from their watching the stock market quotes or surfing the girly sites.

The installation has not made a single move toward further compliance since Dec 1, 1998. They are sitting that like smug little demagogues waiting for the rollover. Hundreds of computers have been replaced in the mean time without anyone checking them. Reinstallation of software has occurred hundreds of times with no recheck of the system, including all the Windows operating softwares - which when you reinstall without "repatching", it's just as noncompliant as it was coming out of the box.

What a foolish, foolish, silly, simpleton group of people. No, the navy's not compliant. Not by a long shot. Not even a short shot.

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-- bbb (bbb@bbb.com), December 18, 1999

Answers

Great. Let's broadcast that information to ALL of our enemies.

OK, I guess it doesn't matter, if they're just as f-ed up as we are.

-- trying (to@understand.this), December 18, 1999.

IRS Goes Pre-Industrial, Solves Y2K Computer Problems

The IRS had a BIG problem on its hands. Notice the use of the past tense. This problem goes by many names: the "Year 2000 Millenium Bug", the "Century Date Change Crisis", "Y2K", and others. In a rare and stunning display of the type of ingenuity seldom detected within bureaucracy, the agency has now solved the problem.

The Y2K phenomenon refers to the fact that the world's mainframe computers will go mad at midnight on December 31, 1999 upon realizing that they've been transported by the equivalent of Mr. Peabody's "Wayback Machine" to the end of the previous century.

Driven insane by maddeningly impossible negative calculations (Example: "subtract 99 from 00; if subtrahend is larger than 0, repeat operation until result = the greater of 0 or the square root of Pi, whichever is larger"), mainframe computers the world over will run amok, savaging civilization with demonically erroneous calculations.

Many Americans have been crossing their fingers (and toes) that the IRS computers will fail, go down, crash, burn, implode, self-destruct, collapse, melt, explode and otherwise fail to operate - ever again - as a result of the millenium date change. Not a chance. The IRS is nothing if not flexible. Tyrannical, yes; inflexible, no.

For years, the IRS has squandered billions of precious taxpayer dollars on seemingly intractable computer related problems, only to fall further and further behind. As a result, in order to perform complex arithmetic calculations such as "subtract line 11 from line 10", agents have had to resort to using cheap "Made In Korea" calculators purchased at local Radio Shacks where hapless desk clerks are routinely harassed into providing free batteries under threat of audit.

However, the embattled agency has now solved its Y2K problems through a route few would ever have guessed at. To avoid suffering the ongoing embarrassment of widespread and pervasive waste, error and inefficiency in its efforts to perfect computerized cyberplunder, the IRS has recently purchased a secret hoard of WWII-era computers captured from the Nazis and housed all this time in the basement of the Smithsonian.

These evil machines are not only "Y2K compliant", they're pre-Fortran, pre-Cobal and pre- every other computer language ever written. In fact, they're completely pre-electronic, operating entirely mechanically using a complex (and highly classified) system of gears, cogs, cams, pulleys and levers.

Here, in an INFORM AMERICA! exclusive, our intrepid undercover operatives go behind the closed doors at the IRS brand new "Tax Palace" in Carrolton, Maryland to catch a never- before-seen glimpse of these monstrous machines.

IRS Tax Palace In Carrolton, Maryland

IRS Main Switchboard

Here we see the main IRS switchboard which receives thousands of frantic and irate calls each day. The agent manning it has been genetically engineered to handle just this situation by carefully mis-routing each call. To avoid dependency on the nation's electrical power generation and telecommunication systems should they go down during "Y2K", the IRS has situated giant windmill farms on Capitol Hill to collect hot air emanating from politicians, thereby driving banks of 12V DC generators to power their new 1940's era hand-crank phone systems.

IRS Cryptographic Enigma Machine

To stymie eavesdroppping by curious switchboard operators, the IRS has installed thousands of identical copies of the Nazi's original "Enigma Machine", thereby allowing cryptographic inter-office encoding of all hoaxed computer tax notices.

The Storage Core

Utilizing a mind-boggling network of sprocket driven chains with data storage links modeled on Jacquard's original weaving loom, this vast mechanical storage bank contains every imaginable detail about every single taxpayer in America, including the time you mowed that next door neighbor's lawn and pocketed the $20 without reporting it.

The Control Room

This immense machine calculates the amount of money you owe in taxes, identifying which of your possessions is most valuable (including children). The tiny box on the desk to the right handles tax refunds. IRS agents in the Control Room monitor the Form Real-time Audit Urgency Detector (FRAUD). The FRAUD unit randomly punches holes in each tax form, using turn-of-the-century Hollerith punch card techniques, then scans the form, successfully analyzing each number entered as to what exactly the taxpayer is lying about and automatically adjusting the number appropriately prior to seizure.

IRS Employee Poses With DIP Unit

Derived from Charles Babbage's original "Difference Engine", this maze of intricately machined parts (many scrounged from seized grandfather clocks) is the IRS computer's Deduction Input Processing unit (DIP). The DIP analyzes each claimed tax deduction and carefully categorizes it as overstated, overestimated or fraudulent. Here we see one of the IRS' many DIP's posing proudly next to his pet unit. Winding the DIP up to full power can take all morning.

Dealing With Tax Avoidance

Sometimes, for one reason or another, a person is able to legally avoid paying taxes he may otherwise actually owe. If this legal avoidance is detected and left unpaid for too long, the IRS is sometimes forced to levy drastic penalties. Here, while reciting IRS code section X193.238.4978930900- A(i)(2)(l)(B).17.3, we see IRS employees Alice 145 and Betty 299 remotely disconnecting a defaulter's kidney dialysis machine.

Utilizing Human Computational Abilities

Realizing that it would need to retain the ability to audit its victims with a vengeance not possible with mere cogs and cams, the IRS perfected research developed by Nazi scientists brought into the U.S. after WWII under "Operation Paperclip". Here we see former IRS agent, Mindy Smith, whose head has been kept alive using the latest in human brain-machine interfaces, hard at work fabricating errors on a complex asset depreciation return.

The Nursery

Always looking to the future, the IRS plans ahead. This IRS drone worker checks the eggs of the next generation of IRS agents - all 39,000 of them.

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-- IRS not ready either. (ITRSnotre@dyeither.com), December 19, 1999.

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-- hiding in plain (sight@edge. of no-where), December 19, 1999.

Trying,

We don't need to broadcast this information all around. We have GIVEN it away for nothing!!

Do you REALLY believe our enemies are not aware of the status of our y2k remediation?? If so, I still have that "Bridge In Brooklyn" at a GREAT price.

Ray

-- Ray (ray@totacc.com), December 19, 1999.