OT. The 8 Worst Convenience Foods...True

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The 8 Worst Convenience Foods...True

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): >From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa4s sleigh team -- he didn4t want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

-- && (&&@&&.&), December 29, 1999

Answers

This is the most fun I've had all day, no question. Thanks!

-- bw (home@puget.sound), December 29, 1999.

Good. Funny.

You left out Donner Party Kebobs... aka "long pig."

Recipes are available on the net, of course.

-- pass (the@leg.please), December 29, 1999.


..aaaaa .. aaqaaack !!<< retching all the way to 7-11 for a Twinkie. Excellent writing on a pertinent topic. But DELETE! DELETE!

-- SH (squirrel@huntr.com), December 29, 1999.

Thanks for wasting the bandwidth to put this up. I had a good hard laugh -- just what I needed.

-- semper paratus (always@ready.now), December 29, 1999.

What a hoot!

Thanks, &&, I needed that!

-- Lurkess (Lurkess@Lurking.Net), December 29, 1999.



Your post made me hungry. Does that mean I'm weird?

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), December 29, 1999.

hey, I like Kraut juice!

-- plonk! (realaddress@hotmail.com), December 29, 1999.

I've seen #7. Really. I couldn't believe it.

The same store had canned pork, with a friendly-looking pig on the label.

-- Steve (no@way.com), December 29, 1999.


The *other* white meat! ;)

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), December 29, 1999.

Back before I was a vegetarian and learned to care about what I put in my body, I used to eat Sweet Sue Chicken & Dumplings. It tasted great! Really! Once I got past the blobby and amorphous texture of the stuff I grew quite fond of it. Now, the one you didn't mention that I would like to see added is Pickled Pig's Feet. THAT is a disgusting item indeed!

John Ludi, plant eater.

-- Ludi (ludi@rollin.com), December 29, 1999.



Hey! Just a darn minute there Bucky...I LIKE Reindeer Pate`! And pickled pigs feet are great with Ritz crackers. Nothing like either one of them when out ice fishing on a January afternoon. Of course a good bottle of Scotch DOES help wash them down a bit easier ;')

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), December 29, 1999.

Hey Ludi,we still like Sweet Sue Chicken and Dumplings. Have a lot in our stash. Put a pat of butter and a dash of whole milk in the saucepan w/it...heat it....mmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!

-- preparing (preparing@home.com), December 30, 1999.

Sorry, but "pickled eggs" from da U.P, that's Michigan's Upper Peninsula to the rest of youse. Fave Finnish treat. REALLY nasty gas, esp. after a night of drinking...

-- Arctic Hillbilly (yooper@coppercountry.com), December 31, 1999.

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