Received the e-mail, sorry if re-run:

If Other Companies Made Toasters > > If IBM made toasters...

> They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted > for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, >maybe > six toasters. > > If Microsoft made toasters... > Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. > You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it > anyway. Toaster '2000 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a > reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small > city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the > first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast > to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out > who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but > nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works > with their toasters. > > If Apple made toasters... > It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier. > The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or > else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb > burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set > > of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would > only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively > toasted on the MacToaster. > > If The NeXT Corporation made toasters... > It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every > morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service > department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints > for the box would be highly classified government documents. The > X-Files would have an episode about it. > > If the NSA made toasters... > Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access > in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. (Hokieshouldnt this be If NSA knew Microsoft made toasters) > > Does DEC still make toasters?... > They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? > > If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... > They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and > gives you regular bread. > > If Sony made toasters... > Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of > bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. > > If the Franklin Mint made toasters... > Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your > authentic Civil War pewter toaster. > > If Xerox made toasters... > You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would > get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. > > If Radio Shack made toasters... > The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and > you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the > box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. > > If Oracle made toasters... > They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles > of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was > still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and > that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke. > > If Timex made toasters... > They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a > licking and keep on toasting. > > If K-Tel sold toasters... > They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of > Ginsu knives. > > If Fisher-Price made toasters... > "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the > bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. > > If there were Unix toasters... > Very few people would under would understand how to make toast. There > would be toaster geeks, in pony tails, jeans and tee-shirts who would >spend > sixteen hours a day in front of the toaster making toast. >

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), January 26, 2000

Answers

Yikes! Here goes again, with format:

If Other Companies Made Toasters

> > If IBM made toasters...

> They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted > for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, >maybe > six toasters.

> > If Microsoft made toasters... >

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. > You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it > anyway. Toaster '2000 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a > reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small > city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen,

...would claim to be the > first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast > to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out > who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but > nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works > with their toasters. >

> If Apple made toasters... >

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier. > The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or > else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb > burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set

...of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would > only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively > toasted on the MacToaster.

> > If The NeXT Corporation made toasters... >

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every > morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service > department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints > for the box would be highly classified government documents. The > X-Files would have an episode about it. > >

If the NSA made toasters... >

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access > in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. (Hokieshouldnt this be If NSA knew Microsoft made toasters)

> > Does DEC still make toasters?... > They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? > >

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... >

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and > gives you regular bread. > > If Sony made toasters... > Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of > bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

> > If the Franklin Mint made toasters... >

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your > authentic Civil War pewter toaster. > >

If Xerox made toasters... >

You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would > get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

> > If Radio Shack made toasters... >

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and > you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the > box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

> > If Oracle made toasters... >

They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles > of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was > still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and > that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke. > >

If Timex made toasters... >

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a > licking and keep on toasting. > >

If K-Tel sold toasters... >

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of > Ginsu knives. > >

If Fisher-Price made toasters... >

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the > bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. > >

If there were Unix toasters... >

Very few people would under would understand how to make toast. There > would be toaster geeks, in pony tails, jeans and tee-shirts who would >spend > sixteen hours a day in front of the toaster making toast. >

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), January 26, 2000.

If the auto industry kept up with the computer industry:

A Rolls Royce would cost $7.99, and get 100,000 miles per gallon...

<:)=

-- Sysman (y2kboard@yahoo.com), January 26, 2000.