men who batter : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

I am a professor interested in the experiences of men who batter. I am hoping to learn from the batterers perspective, so that we might be able to better provide services that will prevent future attacks. I would like to read personal accounts by the perpetrators of violence: 1. on the contexts of the violent experience; 2. on why you believe you needed to commit a violent act; 3. what you were hoping to accomplish by being violent; and 4. what could you have done to have avoided a violent confrontation.

Also, I would like to learn what steps you may have taken to preventfuture confrontations.

Thank you for your time.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000


Why are you only interested in men that batter? Could it be that you are one of the sexists that believe that women are only victims? Are you just some idiot that could not find their way out of a paper bag without help or someone that tells you how it should be done?

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

No I believe it is somewhat a two way street on abuse.Abuse is like the word if. My daughter was thrown across the room by her boyfriend and he went to jail. Of course she wants him back. She is not innocent either she knows how to push buttons like she will tell him to just get out she don't need him. He's heard this a lot even as he was growing up. I would like to know if there is a forum for abused people maybe that would help some people if they could talk about it. Please let e know. Thanks Linda Harbin

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2000

You can use the safe-support mailing list:

Frank, I agree with your sentiments, but your anger is misplaced. If you're trying to show someone the point that men can also be abused, realize that for some people your anger is going to turn them off to the idea rather than help convince them.

-- Anonymous, August 12, 2000

I would also like answers to those questions. I am in love with one of those men. It got to the point I had to sneak to see family and freinds. He would get very violent. I recently left him. I am staying with a friend so that I will not see him. I am still in love with him and afraid he talk me into go back with him. I have a question. Is there a way to change them? L. Trombley

-- Anonymous, February 27, 2002

You can't change someone. They must do that themselves. I was also in a relationship with an abusier. I loved him very much. But he had a long history of abuse, in fact he had abuse every woman he had ever been with. I could never live with or even be around him again without wondering when the next time he will hit me is. I am sorry but only God can change a person. Be very careful and good luck. God bless.

-- Anonymous, March 04, 2002

Dear Professor, I am sending this e-mail in order to inform you, that in my opinion, a great deal of psychological, mental and emotional damage is done to the victim of violence, whether the violence is from a stranger or originating from a family member (including a spouse) whenever ideas that the victim is contributing to their own victimization. In relationships, wherein a victim is able to safely leave the relationship and discontinue their involvement with any individual who acts in a dominant capacity rather than from a position of mutual respect and consideration, such an action is reasonable and just. However, in the instance whereever the victim perceives themselves to be financially and/or emotionally dependent on the abuser, the victim is revictimized into believing that they are responsible in contributing to the actions of the abuser who is using violence as a means to exploit the victim into performing acts or refrain from performing acts which displease the perpetrator of violence. Violence or the use of an external physical stimulai to induce a victim to act contrary to their own will is coersion. The acts of an abuser to induce the involuntary compliance of their victim is a crime pure and simple. It is my opinion, that some of the factors that have perpetrated the victimization of the victim has been due to the negligence of law enforcement officials to enforce the laws prohibiting the unlawful assault and terrorization of the victim and by refusing to pursue the arrest of the perpetrator.In the past, arguments have been used by law enforcement officials to justify their negligence in enforcing the laws against assault and terrorizing and threatening the victim, with the excuse that the victim would not co-operate in the prosecution of the perpetrator of the crimes of violence. However, this argument is unreasonable and irresponsible in that should the victim become a murder victim or even an attempted murder victim, the co-operation of the victim and their testimony is not essential in the prosecution and the punishment of the perpetrator of violence. The other major contributors to the violence which is existent in many homes through- out the United States have been the irresponsible actions of the judges who aid and abet the perpetrators of violence by obstructing the administration of justice by minimizing the punishment of the perpetrator. This minimizing of the crimes of the perpetrator of violence ipso facto conveys the message to the victim and the children of families of violence in the home, that violence is an effective means in order to exact submission of a person's will to the perpetrator's will. It is my opinion, that the solution to the delema is the arrest, conviction and punishment of the perpetrators who commit these crimes with a minimum of five years in a federal and/or state penitentary. Punishment and the enforcement of the criminal laws which prohibit the infliction of physical harm to another human being, whether that harm is physical and/or sexual is the solution. It is my opinion that the re-education of these violent offenders need to take place in a secured facility in order to provide safety and viable recovery to the victims of violence. Domestic violence is an oxymoron. It is also my opinion, that the tolerance and the minimization of violence in the public school systems by the school administrators where violence is also fostered by the proliferation of the idea that kids will be kids also contributes to the development of the psyche of perpetrators of violence. Pure and simple, the only logical way to diminish the continued proliferation of violence within the home is the establishment for zero tolerance for phsical acts of assault and or sexual assault. These actions are crimes and should be treated as such. One of the factors that has not been addressed is the abuse that public school students have been subjected to by teachers and school administrators under the "cloak of discipline". Also, the systematic encouragement of child abuse in the promotion of sports which are violent in nature, such as boxing and football. Many victims of abuse in a marriage did not experience violence or abuse in their family of origin. Futhermore, another tool that is often used by the perpetrator of violence is deceit. Civil and healthy relationship can only exist with the presence of the essential qualities of respect, love and honesty. These elements cannnot co- exist where violence is present. Because of the customs and usuages of the judges in the courtrooms, the negligence of the law enforcement officials and the promotion and exercise of abuse by individuals in the school administrations violence has become an aberration within the social fabric of the community. Just as robbers, murderers and rapists are segregrated from the community and punished by means of confinement within the various penal institutions in the United States so too ought individuals, whether they are male or female belong in the same population as the other perpetrators of crime. Violence is a crime and a crime which should be severely punished in order to act as a message that violence is not an option without adverse consequences. In conclusion, the greater act of violence is the violence done to the spirit and the mental and emotional health of the victim of violence by fostering an unreasonable message that the victim contributes to their own victimization. Such messages are tantamont to psychological rape. It is illogical to convey a message that it is a crime to be victimized. Crimes exist because victims exist. Just as robbery victims are not responsible for being robbed, rape victims are not responsible for being raped, victims of violence are not responsible for being violated. Until this basic truth is reembraced, confusion and disorder will continue to run rampant in our society. Rita C. Duke

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2002

I came from a single parent who appeared to have many psychological, economic, lack of full family support, drank alcohol and was dependent on welfare. She was the type of parent that when she drank ETOH she was the sweatest mother but when she was sober she was very cruel. She was very creative but "torturing" her children nightly for many years and at the same time during the tortures expressing to her children that she would kill them if anyone snitched. The pattern of physical abuse entailed if the children made mistakes or deliberate mishaps, she'd beat them. Dam if you do, dam if you don't. The beatings were so severe that three of the children unexpectedly bonded and began to support one another in a secret manner but they had to hide from the parent finding out. Each time the parent verbally and abused the children, me in particular she said: "You know why I hit you, because I love you." A child hearing this at the age of eight years of age, learning from the parent, the words spoken from a caregiver would cause a deep influence. Unfortunately, I grew up seeking women that had to be either a prostitute, batterer, drank ETOH, was unfaithful, liar, cheater, sexually active, economically declined, selfish, uncompassionate, gammy, loud, threatening, verbally & physically abusive,stubborn, rebellious & more. I did marry one who had childrn from other men tht weren't mine (legally yes)and I had to pay child support. She was verbally & physically abusive. I took the abuse for many years until I finally physically struck her. Even though I defended myself, inwardly I felt like I was empowered. From tht point on I began to enhance my way of battering her. There's was something inside of me that I felt that gave me power to go beyond defending myself. By the reactions of my ex of fear, tears, helpless, hopeless verbal & nonverbal cues I became more empowered to show her that I would not take her shit any more and by my abusive ways towards her was my way of letting her know tht she would not harm me any more. Thye morals that I was taught through, spirituality, legally and so forth prevented me from becomming an expert in abusing. However, inwardly whenever I abused I felt like there were two people inside of me. One told me stop, you're going to jail, she'll leave you, look how you're hurting her, you're not human & so forth. The other one told me to hit her more, dont stop, it feels good to strike her, I'm hungry give me more & so forth. I was as if though there were battles going on in m, the good & the bad. There were times when I was striking that my mind let me know the harm I was causing but an inner forse fed me (I had a hunger) to continue with the abuse. I didn't stop until the victim showed me verbally or non-verbally that I would get in trouble. Frankly, I wasn't affraid of the law. I was like a jeckyl & Hyde. During these times of abuse my triggers were when the women were unfaithful by being with another man, they physically struck me, played games with my head or told me they loved me while their actions said different. I never beat a woman to the point where I broke any bones or left bruises. I knew exactly where to strike them so not to leave proof of abuse. I damaged a lot of property and inwardly visualizing that the items were her. Looking back of what I did and excusing myself for the harm that I caused, I know that through spirituality I have over come being a batterer. In a spiritual sense I believe in evil spirits. Those spirits roam with special gifts and teach humans to do destructive things verbally of non-verbally. Factualy, the final decision maker is the human whether he is going to do or bad. The fault is on the human plus the consequences. In my case, I don't know why I battered. I could be because of wht my mom told me, the unfaithfulness of my relationships(females), my fighting skills, some hidden inner aanger that built-up (pressure cooker), coping my mothers controling behavior and thus as a child it was: "Do as I do (mom), not as I say." Maybe it was the ETOH that loosened my wall and I became a Jeckyl & Hyde. Theories only give humans an idea why men batter because there are many factors that make a difference to understand a batterer i.e. age, social status, gender, culture, ethnicity, race, spirituality, cults, economics, values, influences, false teachings, peer pressure, beliefs, ignorance, lust, and many more factors. For the record, no one has the right to batter anybody not even to gently touch them until they are given permission. On the other side, its important to understand that men (most) grow up to be rough. Fighting in a young ge is a form of perstige and boys get use to throwing blows. They learn to physically hand problems by wanting to, reacting by fighting. Women need to understand that when they do somethig that they know pisses off a man (some)his first thought is to kick her butt physically. Women should learn not to play "head games", do or say things that they will trigger a man to strike her. Its obvious that ther are many men batterers and the women know about them so why do they take a chance and provoke them. When some men decide to hurt the woman, he will whether it be physically, menatll or socially or other ways. Time doen't stop him beacuse all those negative feelings he has for the woman is hidden inwardly and its growing, ready to explode. Most of the time women can't see the red flags because he (most)learned to be macho (hide the hurt) until something triggers it and bam. Human rights, spirituality, law, justice, support groups and so forth are there to help domestic violence. The reality is that "it takes two to tangle." Women should take the extra time to study their men. This belief that some have of they have the goods and some have learned to bring men to them is dishonest. Some women dress in a way that entices a man and then when a man approaches her she shuns him (game)and then there's a horny man with an inner passion. I would say that gets a man angry and many men don't express that. Pussy may rule a man for a while but sooner or later the man will discover the dishonesty and bam. Spirituality is the key to less domestic violence. Abiding by Gods guidance can teach a man and woman to be the way God intended them to be. Unfortunately, the government, cults, other religions, theories, values, systems, groups, culture, race, gender, homosexuality, ethnicity, lack of morals, satanists, activists and so forth have not helped women from getting battered because oof their beliefs. For the record, many have helped the cause. Whatever the reason may be for a woman to become involved with a man, its vital that a relationship be based on "love" not because the clock is running-out, materialism, loneliness, sex, prestige, security, attention, just to say I have a man and so forth. Its not a good idea to play with humans emotions, feelings and especially challenging a man. A nquestion for the women. Is it worth taking a chance of doing (?) or being (?) towards a man when you strongly suspect he'll batter you? There's many beliefs in this world and influences but what should be of importance for women is to protect their lives. Each woman who is with a man is aware of his negative tendancies. Don't provoke him intentionally or un- intentionally. Learn about mens behaviors. Gods word: "Be wise as a serpant but gentle as a dove." Remember, you can place a restraining order on a batter, divorce him, take away his children, take property, physically injure him, verbally abuse him, separate from him, stop loving him, threaten him, put a contract on him to be beaten-up and other creative ways that you feel will protect you or your way of "pay-bac." but the reality is that he "kicked your ass" and any uncompassionate male will see his acts as victory internally.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2003

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