A very good friend of mine is being abused by his wife. From what I know, the abuse is more psychologial than physical, but I do know she's hit him at least twice. And I saw his almost-three-year-old daughter slap him on the side of the head when he tried to discipline her. Don't try to tell me she didn't learn that from Mommy.

I suspect his wife is threatening to limit his access to his daughter, and/or threatening violence to keep him under her control. He is deep in depression, has no will of his own, and will not even discuss the possibility of seeing an attorney. He has talked to his doctor (a little--I suspect he hasn't tell the whole story to anyone) who prescribed anti-depressants and got him on a "waiting list" to see a psychotherapist. Apparently, they're in great demand. The pills are helping a little, and he is living with his parents on and off, which gets him away from his wife's violent temper, but he is still not himself.

I am thinking of calling his doctor and explaining the situation in more detail, in the hope that will push the doctor to find an available therapist. Maybe the doctor and therapist together can convince him he needs to stand up for himself and get legal advice. Therapy will help, but as long as he's in an abusive marriage, the underlying problem will persist.

I would greatly appreciate help from anyone who has experience or knowledge of domestic violence. What can I do to help? I don't want to do anything drastic that will alienate my friend or make his wife more abusive. But I can't stand by and do nothing.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Answers

On the main page for domestic violence there is a listing for uncategorized, and under that a posting titled: I don't understand what is happening to me. I answered that post about a man who is being abused with experience about a inlaw I knew who was abused.

Perhaps reading it will give you suggestions or printing up your posting and a few others on the type of abuse you feel applies. Give those to him. Leave them out where he can read them. Bring them up non chalantly or just out and out tell him what you think. You can't convince anyone of anything they aren't ready for or don't want.

REsearch some options he may have. Consult a lawyer ahead of this discussion or before the process of leaving is hinted, mentioned or done to reflect problems regarding the daughter are tips I would give him. In Canada a child can have an appointed "Guardian Angel" appointed for assuring her best interests are seen to for visitations or other needs. This can consist of a legal representative, social representative, child care worker etc.

If you know of any groups for men who are abused by spouses, go to a meeting ask questions, give his name, if possible and if they are willing, try getting them to meet him in a neutral or social setting even if it is under the camouflage of them being friends of yours.

One of the two most important things I think you can do for him, is to keep a small note book journal written with dates, times, circumstances, abuses, unusual or problem behavior and treatment that you either witness, or that you are talked to about. Include names of others who may tell you of incidents, dates details etc. Write you own thoughts and feelings about what you see or hear etc. Write injuries or aggressive behavior of the child down and the circumstances as compared to the normal behavour of the child/parent, and the details of what was going on at the time of the incident.

Pass on your concerns to a professional or public person. My reason for this is if there are persons sought later, to show that concern or incidents were going on and are not just being brought up to slander the other parent because of divorce, custody,visitations or just plain control and revenge, it will be easier and you or he can be accurate in providing such information. If a professional is talked to about your concerns, but also given info on what you actually see, are told by him, it can be used in a court as evidence or background history.

If your in Canada, there is an association located in but not affiliated with police stations/departments. It is called victim's services usually. If you discuss this with them, once or an ongoing basis, it can be held on file and used should it be needed in the future if and when he leaves or should he be harmed worse then he already is. It can also help if false allegations are made against him to show her having been reported as having such history and not him. Do the things he may be too embarressed, scared, or uninformed to do. If you feel it will help him, give him the information regarding victim services. His dealing with them himself can be even more effective then you. It is easier if he can take time when more "it" hasn't hit the fan and emotions threats and abuse aren't running as high yet,as they would be once he leaves or gives hint of it. If he does the ground work for protecting himself and his daughter in general and during/after/due to a break up it can only help. Also if you could get information off the internet on lawyers and association for abused men as people with rights and as parents who do or should have rights, and pass those on or leave them at your own home if he will see them, that may help not only to convince him to leave, but also it would help with his and his child's rights.

The leaving and the rest of it is up to him in the end. Make your concerns known though. Mrs. Patrick

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2000

Boy do I know why he stays.

And to a degree, he may not have much choice. Going outside for help can have catestrophic consequences. It can only really be done if he can document stuff, very thoroughly indeed. Even then its going to be horrible.

I'm not sure *he* needs all that much psychological help-- he has every rational reason to be depressed. Please remember, he's not the crazy one, although he probably keeps thinking that. She's the one that needs to get help. How you can engineer that I don't know.

At the least, much as he may very well get mad at you, you need to do what you can to lift the veil of silence. She needs to acknowledge what she's doing, that she has a problem. If you see or know anything, make sure she knows that you know. And it is very unlikely that she will take it out on him.

Hard as this may be, you need to communicate with her. I doubt she's very happy either.

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2000

Becareful of what you say and who you say it to. I told a psychiatris (sp) about what my wife was doing to me. When she came to my house uninvited and demanded to be let in, I said no, now was not a good time. If she wanted in, she could set-up an appointment. Or she could get a court order. She went wacko (a medical term). She said she could not believe that I would prevent her from entering my house. That the facts I had said about my wife attacking must be a lie. My wife was standing next to me when she said the last part. The ding-a-ling then left with the police. Later I had to go to the hospital for 10 stitches. The police then showed-up and wanted to know what had happened. I told them nothing. The female officer said that I was lucky no-one was pressing charges or I would be going to jail. I was the only one in the emergency room. My wife was not there, she did not have any marks on her. The report that I saw did not mention anything about the Social Services person that showed up with the police the first time. The police never did go to check my house, or never put that information into a report. That is much I now trust the police....

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

First of all, is this really your friend. It sounds to me like you're the wimp in this situation. Look mate, talk to your wife, I'm sure she'll understand you if you're a little more appreciative. She probably does all the work in the house and needs to be loved. So stop blaming yourself. Because jesus loves you, in fact he loves everybody, even your sobby ass.

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2003

Please disregard Lozza's answer, that precedes this one. Imbeciles like that lurk on the Internet all the time, and get their kicks out of harassing victims of abuse. Fact is, if you're being abused, your gender doesn't matter. You should receive the help you need.

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2003

BEAT IT BEAT IT NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEFEATED YEAH

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2003