The onset of Spring (which hasnt quite sprung yet but has brought out an exciting, bewildering and downright unsettling range of lighter clothing on the fairer sex) has brought the glory hunters back to Kingston Park  oh, sorry Gibbo, didnt see you there. Usual stalwarts were also in evidence; Steph, Jon, Jonno, Softie, the lasses with the long hair who sit in the Milburn and pout at the players, the chap who wears the black suit, the mad fella who talks to himself (or is that me?) and, of course, the bloke with the megaphone-style voice who was actually sat behind us in the first half.
Any KP veteran can tell you that the usual climactic conditions do not apply in this Twilight Zone and the mercury plummeted at half time. Not nearly so windy as last week, but enough to delay goal kicks and make the consumption of hot drinks a potentially hazardous affair as the stormy blast whips the surface of the drink into a surging menace to your chin. Indeed, your reporter dashed straight to the chow wagon for a steaming styrofoam cup of beef extract. Jonno pointed out that Cappuccino has retained its league position above Bovril and has now increased its goal-difference (80p!). Still, the foam chip trays provided an entertaining diversion as we watched them billowing around in front of the stands while we waited for kickoff.

Kickoff was actually delayed by 10 minutes and then put back a further 20mins. Apparently the power drain of having both burger vans powered means that they have to turn half the floodlights off, and the public bar has to cease trading. Hmmm, methinks they might need to invest in a bigger substation and stop p*ssing us about. We were sitting in the East Stand playing the game of trying to find a view through the posts of the temporary stand and floodlight towers of both goal areas simultaneously  about 2 of them between 5 of us. The lads were therefore warming up in near-total darkness, which might have been a cunning ploy to prevent and scouts from seeing Lionels technique.
When proceedings finally got under way, we had a very interesting team to watch:
Perez
Hamilton Goma S Caldwell Glass
Gavilan Fumaca McClen Brady
Maric Ketsbaia

Subs: G Caldwell, Karelse, Green, Dyer, Kerr
Yes, Glass at left back, Hamilton at right back and Perez on the pitch  extraordinary. No idea about the midfielders as wingbacks, but the fact that Karelse was on the bench can only mean that either Given or Harper (happy birthday to you) is doubtful for Sunday, as we have a chance of selling Karelse but none at all with Perez.
The play was interesting, in the way that watching a dog attempting to catch its own tail is amusing for the first 30 seconds, and then becomes annoying. One cannot help but feel that the First Team and the Resorves are pulling in different directions just now, as this match was the negative image of Saturday: against Watford we had a great keeper, no movement throughout the team, hardly in chances created, hopeless passing and two wasted strikers whilst last night against Bolton we had a diabolical keeper, constant movement, loads of chances, fabulous passing and two wasters for strikers. Unreal. If the First team learned to pass and move like the stiffs, Maric and Ketsy would learn to attack the goal like Al and Dunc and somebody could shoot Perez, theyd be two decent outfits.
Bolton werent very good, it has to be said, with a foul-mouthed midget in goal (James Evans  charming lad) and no idea how to play against us. I dont think their two front men share a common language (ours have certainly learnt profanity from Steve Howey) and the only bright spot for me was that they had Luke Staton on the left wing. The reason for this interest in a complete unknown is that I always sign him in Championship Manager 3 where he is a bit useful as backup: of course, in real life, he was a cloggy sh*te with an attitude problem in much the same way as Silvio Maric is worth over 9 million in the game and plays like a God. Hmmm. Might have to e-mail the programmers with revised stats for the pair of them.
Not much point in giving you a blow-by-blow account of the match since you all saw enough of this crap over the last couple of seasons to be able to picture it for yourselves. Toon dominated posession and passed the ball around at will whilst Ketsy and Maric did everything possible to avoid being in the box if there was any danger of being expected to score a goal. This included falling over a lot (guess who), tieing laces, going back to help out in midfield, going over to help out on the wings and even taking bloody throw ins, and simply meant that we would invariably pass to Mr Nobody in the goal and the crowd would groan. We really missed Coppinger, who would have scored 5 against the rubbish in yellow shirts, but the biggest problem is that this sort of behaviour is contagious. Soon Gavilan was looking edgy and hesitant about crossing the gain line and we had to wait for Glass to come up from defence to provide the much-needed impetus.
Hamilton coped well in the first half, but had his usual clueless moments (despite Gibbo  his number 1 fan  being in attendance. There is no number 2 fan). Goma coped effortlessly with what came at him, although he had the fun and games inherent with playing in front of Perez (no, not the wolf whistles) when he looked for a backpass to the keeper only to find the feckless frog stood alongside him on the edge of the D. Yes, Lionels attention span is still about 20 seconds before he wanders up field to see whats going on elsewhere. Alain also had a fine attempt on goal when he launched himself at the ball in a diving header -he missed the target but there is always something gratifying about seeing a big centre half flying horizontally through the air. Stephen Caldwell had a couple of iffy moments but did o.k whilst Glass was obviously wasted at the back but put in some great, determined running on the overlap and hasnt lost his ability to cut inside and get a shot in.
Midfield were a bit Jeckyll and Hyde with some sublime passing at times but also a habit of being over-elaborate and losing posession when the simple option was available. McClen seemed to be playing the holding role which he unfortunately translated as meaning he could only pass sideways and backwards (must have spent too long with Lee and Speed) until the second half when he reverted to the more positive through-balls we have come to expect from him. Fumaca was the usual mixture of Brazilian and Frank Spencer  sometimes inspired and sometimes woeful. He also entertained us by standing next to a prone, injured Bolton player before suddenly keeling over clutching his face  bizarre. Brady was the usual crap Brady we are used to but scored a canny header to annoy the hecklers who had been offering him all sorts of appropriate careers advice involving sex and travel.
Gavilan again showed loads of promise but was wasted with the two halfwits up front. His real strength is crossing the ball and putting in corners so having flat-footed Ketsy and shrinking Maric in the middle left his talents in the box marked potential. Nice to see him taking the corners again, as I had reported as much last week. Oddly, Niall and Biffa attributed these smashing balls in to Glass, whilst it comes as no surprise whatsoever that the Journal, Ronnie and Orrifial Site all said the same. Now some of you might suggest that Biffa was further from the corner than me and made a mistake whilst the journos are lazy scumbags who copy his report the next morning and have never been near KP on a windy night, I couldnt possibly comment :-). He also took a lovely penalty in the Gallowgate End right in front of Jonno, Gibbo and myself who had wandered round at half time to get a better idea of the wide play  nice for a debut and a great reaction from the crowd. Also a big welcome for Kieron Dyer who had a 20 min runout and managed a couple of good runs which sadly came to nothing. Still, good to see him being made to join the stiffs after some lacklustre performances and a spot of flu: there must be no certainties in the First Team, keep them on their toes Bobby.
Ketsy is suffering from splinters in his a*se and badly needs games to get his eye back, so it was hardly surprising that he was so inept last night. Bear in mind that he was just the same last season before starting to make frequent appearances and scoring some very important goals. At the moment, if you give him the ball in space with an open goal in front of him, he drags it back and tries to put some defenders in the way. So whats new, Softie? I hear you cry. Well, NOW he doesnt turn and deflect a shot off 14 different legs into the top corner of the net  he has been known to do that when hes firing on all cylinders. Maric, on the other hand, continued his depressing habit of pulling up runs if there was a danger he might win the race and have to shoot, taking throw-ins after the playing the ball down to the corner after avoiding going goalwards and generally looking like a man with zero confidence. However, he also managed to win a tussle with a defender over 10 yards to the edge of the six yard box, dummied to go outside and then cut inside to slot a little beauty home from 4 yards. Work that out if you can. Why doesnt he play like that BEFORE the final 10 minutes?
Anyway, 3-0 was a nice score and we all left feeling relatively buoyed up with only Leeds away and the Mackems at home to look forward to. Problem is, the Mackems will be at KP on the 10th of April  i.e. the evening after the semi, no crowd segregation and the certainty of trouble if we have screwed up on the Sunday  if the roles were reversed, I would waste no time informing them that I had noticed them get beaten at Wembley; trouble waiting to happen. Ho hum. Maybe crowd violence with bairns in attendance is just the sort of publicity we need right now.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Answers

Excellent softie, thanks, my reader on the MSN site will be very happy now.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

thanx softie- the wait was worthwhile :-)

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Thanks, taht was fantastic.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Ah that hits the spot.

Thanx Softie I needed the fix.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2000