After 20 years of spousal abuse, my mother was finally able to get out in 1986. Or so we thought. Thanksgiving eve, 1987, my father beat her and left her for dead. He left her with short term memory loss, badly damaged teeth/jaw, broken hand, broken nose, hearing & speech impairment, damaged hip and much more. Now, she's at the point where all but 6 teeth on top and about 9 on bottom are gone. We can't afford dental surgery (which she'll require in order to remove the remaining teeth which stay infected and break or fall out completely whole)and plates. Are there any organizations that can help us? My mom's willing to work at anything, including "housekeeping" in nursing homes which she did for years, but no one will hire her - once they see her mouth. My mom is, to me, a beautiful woman. And she is a survivor. Even with the physical problems that remain, she doesn't stop trying. But, her self-esteem has now hit rock bottom. And we've no where else to turn. If anyone has any answers, please - let me know. I'm getting desperate. My mom lives with me, and I have a small son. I'm a single mom and we live off of my income. We can't get medicaid to help with the medical bills because she isn't considered disabled, she can't get a job, and now..... I just don't know where to turn.

Thank you.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2000

Answers

Marcia Stocks and mother:

I am not sure where you are and don't think such informations should be given out on the internet even if one is not an abuse survivor. It can be even more dangerous for an abused person.

However I do know of a couple of suggestions for your mother. First of all if there was ever a conviction for physical abuse by this man in a court in Canada, there is a fund called Victims Compensation. She or you can get the pamplet and form at most counselling, family service, or police stations/court houses. This is a fund that is set up in cases of crime where the perpetrator is unknown, (hit and run accidents etc.) That was what it used to be used for. However as long as there is court proof that your mother was assaulted or physically abused, she can apply for compensation under this program to help with cost for suffering and it can be used to undo some of the physical and mental damage. I've heard that these funds are also used in cases where the victim would have no benefit in law suits do to lack of income or monies being owned by the perpetrator.

Another solution which I don't have all the answers and facts to was that in Toronto at one time, I saw a show on the news (city tv I think) that talked about a program by certain cosmetic and reconstructive surgeons, cosmotologist, etc. who gave either cheap or free service to abused woman in hopes of helping undo some of the damage that violence has done, and in hopes of improving the self esteem and social/work appearance to improve opportunities that may be affected by scars, injuries etc of domestic violence. This is also a way to recieve compensation and help without having to have any contact with the abuser. All you would need is a copy of a court finding which she can get if she did go to court and didn't think to get the paperwork for the findings. I do recall a criteria of it was that the victim had to be out and clear of the domestic abuse partnership for a certain amount of time, and taking care of herself in counselling programs. If she already had graduated such a program or was involved in it. I am sure the programs for women with various cancer scars, and kemo damage, that help them with hair, makeup and covering up scars, looks etc, may be able to point your mother to any such programs still out there for abuse survivors or those for cancer patients who also extend their services to abuse survivors.

You could pose the same questions and email you have placed on the internet to t.v. news programs and they may assist you in locating any such program.

Another suggestion is that your mother might try applying for work at an abuse shelter. She could also make inquiries about job programs that are set up to assist women who have been abused. Not that I think that the damage of abuse should further opress a woman, but in the case that others aren't hiring due to her appearance caused with abuse, she could apply for work at call centers, or over the phone etc. In any case she could explain that her appearance is something that plain and simple was the result of a sever assault that almost ended her life. Explain that she is trying to find work and hopes to have reconstructive surgery with monies, as soon as she can get work and afford it.

I think she should also pick up some counselling for self esteem. Not necessarily a repeat of abuse counselling if she has already had some. I mean a program that is for any one with low self esteem. I realize that if you are in the U.S. that it is a different ball game. However if this is the case, perhaps an organization for women can help raise monies, or profession service for the damage repairs. Perhaps one of the more respectable t.v. talk shows could assist her in finding either monies for this or professionals willing to donate the service for free or humanitarian reasons. If she doesn't wish to be seen on a television program, I have seen those that block out the persons face for safety reasons.

I certainly can understand how she feels in some ways. I was physically abuse (also in other ways) from the time I was 3 or 4 years old up to when I was 22. I not only have many serious injuries I recieved from abuse, but also 2 medical conditions I was born with. Although most of my injuries were in areas not seen or internal damage, they affect me job and other wise, due to the pain and inability to do certain tasks. They multiplied the affects of the medical conditions I was born with. Charges were not laid at the time, as I hid the abuse many of the times, including not seeking medical attention for injuries. There are some injuries I would certainly like to be able to get fixed and haven't yet. However a permanently dislocated shoulder with all the torn ligaments and tendons that is a result of an assault may soon be fixed. I had coverage by health care, but the technology in the past was for men and would have done more harm then good for me. I have on goingly looked up info on the net since getting it, to find updates about surgeries. I finally found one place that does a new surgery that they say will help fix the problem and will work for a woman of my size bone structure (small). I and my doctor are working to find a surgeon in Canada who does the same surgeries, then I'm off to one less injury/scar remaining.

Best wishes for you and your mother. I certainly wish you happiness, strength and the best life you can build.

Sincerely Mrs. Patrick

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2000

Just an add on is that perhaps your mother could get funding in either Canada or the U.S. to start a business of her own. It could have aspects of jobs she has experience with, or perhaps even be a program that searches out and arranges to help her and other women to contact services and raise funds for corrections and repairs of such damage as is done my abuse. Also one of the other professions that was involved in the voluntary work done on that t.v. news show I mentioned in my first full answer included a dentist and a dental surgeon. She could also put out a newspaper add to professional care persons willing to donate services at cut cost, free, or on payment plans to victims of abuse. It could help her and others. Again take care.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2000

In the United States, it's called Victim Services. Most large-city police departments offer such service, and many smaller ones probably do, too. They may not offer money, but they can help negotiate the rats' nest of beauracracy often required to get help in a situation such as your mother's.

Another idea is to consult a lawyer about filing civil charges (in addition to criminal, which I assume has been done) against your father. She might be able to sue for the cost of medical treatment required because he beat her.

If all else fails, perhaps she can try a dental school near her home. They may offer low-cost dental services as part of the students' training. But I would only do this as a last resort: she deserves to be treated at her former husband's expense, if at all possible.

Best of luck to you both.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Hi - and thanks for so many good suggestions. I'm asking everyone locally (and yes, we are in the US - North Carolina to be exact). Up until recently there were no laws (at least not that the police would uphold) to protect victims of domestic violence. The final assault was after we moved from NC to Wyoming in 1987 - Thanksgiving Eve. And it nearly killed my mother. Charges were filed against him - he admitted to only stopping because he thought she was dead. He was bailed out by a girlfriend and disappeared for a number of years. A bench warrant was put out for him but Wyoming was never able to serve it. In 1996, my mother and I along with my younger sister & my son, returned to NC to be near family. He is here, but it wouldn't do any good to sue him. He has NOTHING - he is still a drunk and living with family, living off of Social Security and Medicaid - funny isn't it? He can get help because he has a heart condition and is a drunk, but my mother can't because she's not considered by the state doctors as being disabled. She was left with short term memory problems, a crushed right hand, her right him was broken and couldn't be properly set without surgery, her nose broken, hair pulled out by the handfulls, hearing impairement and problems with her sight, and the mouth - well, it was a mess. Broken teeth, broken jaw (for the third time), just a mess.

We can't afford to pay for the dental help. I'm the only one working and supporting mom & my son. Mom's been sick for so long - and she's tried so hard. She played the children's game "Concentration" to strengthen her short term memory. And she makes lots of notes. She's taught herself how to use a computer and how to design websites. Before, she was a wonderful artist. She can't draw anymore because of the damage to her right hand. But, she's learned how to hold a paint brush in a brace and paint - and it's beautiful. Her jaw locks up at times, so she doesn't talk much anymore when people she doesn't know are around.

She's worked very hard. Now, if we can just get her teeth taken care of.

Again - thank you for the suggestions, and I am trying them. I'll keep you posted. Also, one of the responses suggested contacting talk shows. When I read that, I remembered hearing once, a long time ago, about an organization of volunteers (doctors & dentists) that helped survivors of domestic violence. And I emailed the talk show that aired that episode. If I get a response, I will post it. Just in case - someone else may need to know.

And for anyone reading this, and wondering, yes, my father was physically abusive to me as well. But, I got bigger - and I got angry and I faught back. At 16, I decided enough was enough. If he hurt mom or me, he'd suffer the consequences. After that, he became dirty & underhanded - waited until I was gone to hunt down and hurt my mom. Surviving isn't easy. Sometimes, you don't have a choice. You do exactly what you need to do in order to survive. For years, my mom would say "better the devil you know, than the one you don't". If he was there, at least she knew what he was up to. Until I was big enough to help her stand and fight.

Well, thanks again. Sorry for rambling. I didn't realize how much was inside until I started typing. It's scary sometimes -- the anger and pain that's still buried.

Marcia

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Hi, Marcia and Karen:

Thanks for the reply and thanks Karen for giving the name of the Victim Services for the U.S. Canada has a victim services also at the police stations. The Victims Compensation can be accessed through them I believe, or just by applying directly. Just so you know Marcia, as I say I don't know about the states, but I can give you one judgement recieved by a woman a friend of mine knew. She had been sexually abused by her father and ran away from home because of it and to escape it. She lived on the streets for 2 years and lost out on those 2 years of schooling as well. For those three aspects combined (abuse,homeless for 2 years,& high school or Jr. High loss) she got $75,000.00 in settlement. Her father pled guilty to the charges, when she had the police lay them when she got abit older, and that sped up the process.

Another hint for your Mom, Marcia is that both I and my husband love to draw, and both were pretty good at it. I won a scholarship at age 14, when a friend sent in a test she had me do casually when we hung out. I was only 14 and lived in a very small town. Never been anywhere else especially not the states. I didn't go due to age etc.

Anyhow, my husband has osteoarthritis/porosis and hasn't been able to draw with a pencil, charcoal etc. for years due to the pain and inability of using his hands in certain ways. However he too is into computers avidly. He has a computer program that allows him to draw still. I couldn't believe the pictures he did, when I first met him and he showed me. They are done pencil dot by dot, with zoom screen on the computer. They are very beautiful in there own, then to know how long and how much patience it took him to do them, adds even more awl to there beauty.

Also your Mom likely doesn't talk much around those she doesn't know for a second reason. Often is the case if one is self conscious about teeth or other scars/defects etc. Don't worry about talking about things in length or detail, it's the not talking that would worry me. Anyhow take care, and again keep up the strength. Remember although survivors may live in silence many years, even those they never meet, walk with them silently and unseen on a familiar path and wish them strength, peace,happiness and love.

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2000

On a practical level, if all else fails, many universities have excellent low to free dental clinics where you get dental work done by students while being supervised by a professor. The care is generally excellent. Ialize this helps with nothing as far as dealing with the abuse issue goes but it may help getting the dental work if the other excellent suggestions don't work out. Good luck.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000