How do you handle transgressions (real or imagined)in your life? Have you mastered the art of forgiveness and moving on or do you carry that peevish torch for life?

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2000

Answers

Forgive, never forget and of course forever hold in memory to torture poor victim years upon years later.

Oh my, I guess I am bitter after all.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000

I never forgive, I never forget. I move on, but I need to keep what they did to me in mind so I'll watch out for when it happens again.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000

A mental card goes into my file of things to watch out for, which only pops up when a case like that is pending.

Other wise, I find it hard to nurse and stew and hold bad feelings into myself. Yeah, in most cases, forgive and forget.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000

It takes me a while .... but often I can forgive.

Forgetting .... no. I am a memory-fiend. Forgetting is not a part of the plan.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000

It depends. Not so much on what was done, but how I feel about the person(s) who did it.

If I love you I will work very hard to get to the point where I can. It might take time, but love is more important than resentment.

If there is no love lost? Then it's less likely I'll spend the time trying to resolve things, but...I'd still rather be at peace with someone than in strife.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000

Forgiveness is something you do for you, not for the person who wronged you. It's letting go of the control their actions still hold over you -- even if it's only a little bit of control -- and letting go of the pain, refusing to let their wrongdoing affect your life negatively for one more minute. It's quite liberating, and -- with time -- will really help you to stop being pissed off.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2000

I've actually been headed the other direction with this issue: I think I'm too forgiving and too quick to force myself to forget when someone has wronged me. The trouble is that I don't really forget; I stay a little resentful.

This doesn't apply so much to those who are close to me -- I think that's a very different dynamic, or at least it is for me -- but with casual acquaintances, friends who aren't in the family category, online acquaintances, and business associates, I've started forcing myself to wait for an apology if I believe I've been truly wronged and the person wants to just go along like nothing has happened. This doesn't mean that I'm seething and holding a grudge and acting like a bitch, but there is a fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat. I've decided to draw that line at the words "I'm sorry."

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2000

I learned a lesson a couple years ago in forgiveness that I have never let go of, even when I've been betrayed and dreadfully wronged. I had a freelance design job that I really dropped the ball on. Not only was the proof copy not ready when I promised, I was late for the meeting at which time I had to tell my client that I hadn't completed the ads. This retired gentleman looked at me and said, "Have you done something wrong? I hadn't noticed." I think it was his smile that told me that he really did forgive me.

Since, I have had several really good opportunities to hold evil grudges. But, letting go is much easier than carrying around all that negativity. I do make a point of letting someone know if they have hurt me and how. At that point, my job is done. Forgive and move on. I have found that if I am assertive about how I address the person who has wronged me, I don't (necessarily) need to apologize for me to forgive them. It's already done. Don't get wrong, though. It's always nice when there is remorse.

My rule worth living by: quick to forgive and quick to repent.

Here's one of my favorite quotes: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."-- Josh Billings.

Here's one more: Confucius say, "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2000

Hmmm, now that I think about it, I can manage to forgive people if I get over what they did to me or it didn't affect me much. If I can get to the point where whatever they did doesn't hurt any more. Otherwise...no.

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2000

I tend to forgive as soon as I've been able to express what I am hurt or angry about, and feel like I've been understood...and forget as soon as whatever it is stops happening. (I can be a valkyrie while I'm being poked at, though, if I'd said to stop and the person doesn't.) Which isn't always a good thing, since it means that someone who is regularly hurtful can stick around in my life for a long, long time as long as they ease up on it between times enough for me to feel a break from it.

Sometimes, I wish I could hold onto resentment long enough to not let someone have another shot at me, but I can't - feeling hurt is just too painful for me to sustain it by myself without outside forces doing it to me. As soon as it is no longer at crisis point, I want nothing more than to forget it ever happened.

Even for those that do insist on continous poking.... I don't forgive or forget...but I do delete. They just don't get to be real enough to cause me any further pain, and there are a couple people I've totally written off that way that probably have more peaceful existance with me than people I care about, because I just can't even muster up enough to bother explaining to them anymore what they are doing. They just stop registering on my radar.

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2000

I try to be very, very Venetian... Smile politely, be charming, be graceful... and never, ever, ever forget when someone has wronged you...and be prepared to exact your pound of flesh one day when you're completely cool-headed and cold-eyed...

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000