I met my fiancee a few months ago, five to be exact and we were compatable from the start.The same likes and dislikes.I met him in Florida while on vacation and he moved to Ohio shortly after to learn more about me and to be closer to me.He's taking steps to divorce his wife of 8 years after a seperation . I have listened to the stories about her when I venture to ask simply because when he first moved up here if we were to get into a argument he'd either start yelling (while it was a dissagreement but there was no yelling and he would suddenly do so) or he would get extremely quiet. After a short cooling period he would apoligize. We just moved into our first house together and he was renting a room from my mother and we had seperate bedrooms but one night he softly knocked on the door and said that he would felt that maybe he should go back to Florida cause he was damaged goods. Everynow and then he will tell me of how she would treat him and her son and that is probably why her daughter moved in with her father. She told him he could have a mistress as long as he didn't bring her in the house.This story gets very long but he does have a temper but no more than any male in my family to where he may glare,get loud but has never hit me, if anything when i get pushed towards anger he shrinks off. Anyway he had gotten into an argument with my brother and uncle and came by my job to pick me up from work but I was on another floor with a old classmate and he couldn't find me. he was already agitated before he got there but was more agitated cause people where saying they saw me in different parts of the building which I wasn't only to find out i was with my male ex classmate getting a tour of his company ( a competing isp that is in the same building two floors benieth my job) at any rate a co-worker who herself was victim of abuse thought that he hit on me and I explained what had happened and assured her that no,he did and that we talked and all was fine. from then on out she acted differently towards him and talked to me about it I explained to him and he apoligized to her and told her his side of what had happened before she had seen him and told her that he didn't hit on me either and she said ok. she left for a new job three weeks ago but comes back to the office to visit and I find out that she has been telling other coworkers that she thinks that he hits on me and that i jut wont say anything and if he hasnt yet that he eventually will.This has stressed me out considerably and hurt him as well and made him feel very uncomfortable now around my coworkers some he came to regard as new freinds since many times a few of them did go out to lunch with us. What can I do about this?

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2000

Answers

Suggestions:

1.) Call the ex co-worker on her behavior or explain that due to her behavior you no longer wish to socialize with her. Next she'll state to other's that he is isolating you from friends and others. Tough.

2.) Explain if you wish, with her and all others involved present what the situation is and isn't. Explain that their behavior isn't helping any. Ask them to stop being so prejudice, because he happens to be a male, instead of a female who was abused. If it is just gossiping they wish to do, ask them to stop including your life in on it. If it is genuine concern on any of their parts, simply state that you appreciate the motive,and concern, and should anything actually go wrong you are glad to know there are those who care. However let them know that by gossiping, instead of speaking AND LISTENING openly caringly etc. to you, that they don't present themselves as someone trust worthy of your confiding in them.

3. I suggest VERY STRONGLY for your sake, and for his sake no matter if you stay together or not, that he get counselling and treatment as a victim of abuse. He has pain, self esteem issues, and scars and behaviors to reprogram in himself with the help of others. He may never hit you or anyone, he may have never hit the ex, he may never hit anyone in the future if it weren't for the abuse he recieved. However he may also. He learned certain ways that if they while not abusive, they were in reaction to abuse. Those need to change to functional behaviors. A relationship is dysfunctional, when it includes abuse, the affects of that relationship do change us whether we like the change, want the change, admit it, or get extremely angry because of it. Let him help himself, you can help each other.

If this is the case, and what takes place, it should improve his life and self esteem, ease your worries and unsureness or uneasiness. In the end it will also be a means of either showing to those you care about, what the truth of the matter is, or at least it will show you both how to deal with such people, and separate those who wish to gossip on a hot social topic, or those sincerely concerned for you and or him.

Take care. Lady Patrick

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2000

Join safe-support. There are several people in your situation. Directions are at safe4all.org

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2000

Take time and please re-read your OWN post.

It appears that he is getting ready ie leading up to abusing you!

If you are upset and stressing over his anger (and you are read your post) there IS a problem.

Re think your decision to 'stay' with this man, please.

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2000

Lurker,

In my past I have been indirectly subjected to abuse and recognize it when I see it and know how to avoid it and but this was the first time I recognize it wihtin a man. My aunt abused her husband but it wasn't until I was with my fiancee did it really set in my mind or my uncles reactions. My fiancee still has his moments of a short fuse but I don't back down from him the same as I didn't back down from my own father as he held a gun on me or tried to hurt me for standing up to help my step mom as he went to beat her. As I have done to other family members and their "special friends" as they felt they had a right. Beinging with someone does not denote ownership and my fiancee knows where the line in drawn. I know where you are coming from and many others on the outside looking in have had their opionions just as the co-worker who I commented on in my original post. I'll also take note that these very same people never call or visit but when I do they want to know where he is. In fact my same aunt who abused her husband has made it a one woman crusdae to make people think he is an asshole but he has done nothing to her. These same people who "care" for me would not take me to the hostpital when I called them a few months ago pregnant ,bleeding and in pain because I was in the midst of a miscarriage. Television and shopping was more important and my fiancee called everyone both he and I knew which aren't many since he's from another state and all of my close friends have moved out of town ,the closest lives three hours away all I had was family which has since broken apart since the deaths of my grandparents last year. My mom got a woman from work to take me and I got to the hostpital none to soon it would have been worse if we had taken the bus and he hadn't gotten his paycheck yet so a cab was out of the question.These same people who cared about me had never bothered afterwards to call to see if I was ok but to bitch about funeral arraigements and as to why I have not come over their house or called but delivering a 6 month breech baby was a very hard thing on it's own especially when you have a quack doctor that insits it's a unrianry infection until the baby starts coming out...You make the call but my fiancee and mother and brohter have taken far better care of me than those others. Couples fight and yes we have our unique problems and to be honest my tmeber is far more volitile than his is and i'll let him get ticked but he has never touched me and he never will because I have been thru so much shit that I know I am a strong person.When I joined this message board it was to understand what he was going thru not to have another person tell me i'm about ot be another victim. and no I am not in denile either

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2000