Do you get mental blocks?

-- Zoomer of the journal-diary ALIVE AT FORTY-FIVE! GETTING MY KICKS AT FORTY-SIX! http://members.xoom.com/fortyfiver/aliveat45.htm (fortyfiver@yahoo.com), April 08, 2000

Answers

It struck me that if your dad would have been a bike riding alcoholic that you guys could have rode your bicycles together and you would have embraced the memory for the rest of your life. A bitter sweet memory! Do you and sonny ever go bike riding together? Even alcholics have goals in their lives-collect enough returnables for another bottle of anesthetic!

-- cindy (whawkes422@aol.com), April 09, 2000.

I think of a mental block as confusion. For example, I have a hard time remembering numbers, they confuse me. Social security, telephone, addresses, ATM code, birthdays, etc. Multiple numbers in so many different configurations, that I can't keep them straight, so when I need to remember a particular number I get confused and my brain shut's down and I have a mental block. I also think of mental blocks as an inability to focus, for whatever reason, stress, busy schedule, not feeling well. Sometimes I'm just not clear on what the exact focus is. Then I get confused and I block. Or I know the focus but it is clearly not within my power to deal with, so I don't know what to do about it, which confuses me and I block. Sometimes the focus is unpleasant and I don't want to think about it because it makes me unhappy so I push it away which confuses my thought processes and I block. It all has to do with confusion. I have also found that when I have a mental block it helps to write in my journal about it. What is the underlying reason that I am blocking? Often I find the reason for the block isn't what I thought it was. As I write quickly on the paper things unfold differently then I expected. Every time I do this exercise I am surprised at the outcome.

Here is one I did recently>

I'm blocked. I need to figure out why I can't seem to manage to sell my horse Lady. I don't ride her and her upkeep is becoming prohibitive. All I do is put it off, and make excuses. It makes me so mad at myself. I should talk to the people at the auction house, and advertise in the paper, and post a notice at the fair grounds. But I don't do anything, but pay the money each month for her board at the neighboring farm. Why can't I get this done. I could really use the money and she deserves to have someone who pays attention to her. She actually isn't even my horse. She was Howards and now we are divorced. He just left her behind. Along with his army jacket, cycle helmet and me. I miss him. Three years and he's never called or written. I wonder where he is and what he's doing these days. How could he leave his horse behind. Poor thing. I wonder if she feels rejection or if she's lonely for him. Do horses have emotions? Does Lady miss his touch, and melodic voice and gentle laugh?

I thought he really loved her. Maybe that's why I put off selling her. She is a link between Howard and I. Maybe he'll be back to get her. And maybe he'll be back for me too. I doubt it. It's been too long, and it's not healthy for me to hang on to the past. I need to move on. I need to get over it. I could start by taking the cycle helmet and army jacket to Goodwill. Maybe it will be easier to deal with Lady then. I can't help feeling like I'm being disloyal by getting rid of her. But I don't ride and I can't hardly look at her without hurting and as long as I hang on to her I can't move on.

I'm surprised at what I've learned here. A real break through. I thought I was just being flaky about selling Lady. I thought I was lazy and that it was all a monetary issue, but it's not. It's emotions, feelings, hurt and healing issues. At least now I know what's going on with me. And now that the confusion is gone so is the mental block. I'm putting a trip to Goodwill on my list of errands for today. And a carrot and hug for Lady.

So, that was a week ago and today I sent out notices to stables, and auction yards. It reas: For sale, a beautiful Lady with chestnut coloring, good health, gentle spirit and warm heart, who lived to please, but was left behind.

-- Marilynn Karbonski (karbonskim@yesd.k12.or.us), April 19, 2000.