online relationships

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I just would like to know everyone's opinion on online relationships. do you think you could withstand the distance?

-Amber

-- Amber (starlight@wellyeah.org), April 09, 2000

Answers

well, that's a hard one considering that I've never been married and wouldn't know how it's like. I know that my mom had a similar experience that I won't list here because it's not my place to write it here in public. I do know, that you must go with your gut instinct since life is short. you may never get the chance again and die unhappy. that's not good either.

I do know I wish I lived in canada for good reason.

-- Amber (starlight@wellyeah.org), April 11, 2000.


uhh crap. I don't know why it's posting this all weird. sorry for the confusion. now it's posting new answers at the top I guess. I can't figure out how to fix it.

anyway, on the kid issue. I'm sure your kids are old enough to handle it. I mean, I was around their age when the similar issue happened and things were okay. I was depressed before everything occured soo it had nothing to do with it. be happy..no one can live your life for you. that's my bit.

-- Amber (starlight@wellyeah.org), April 11, 2000.


Thats kind of a tricky question. I mean, I've heard of online relationships that work and stuff, but personally, I don't think its for me. I think it'd be kind of weird, like the first time you meet and all this and that, and there's lots of psychos out there. But if you're asking about the kind of relationships that you never meet the other person, I don't think its healthy to get attached to someone who you think is like your age or whatever and could be some 70 year old man. Even if it isn't some old dude, I don't think its good to become so attached to someone you don't really know. But thats just my humble opinion.

-- Atalia Lapkin (Nikita707@aol.com), April 09, 2000.

Ooops I didn't finish the last one, I accidentally pushed 'send.' Anyway, I just wanted to add 'If it works for you, more power to you.'

-Tal

-- Atalia Lapkin (Nikita707@aol.com), April 09, 2000.


Well, since I'm in one right now I'll just speak of my experience. I don't think it could have lasted this long if we hadn't had the hope of meeting and being together. I'm the kind of person that needs some sort of physical contact and I would have eventually ended the relationship for someone that I could be with in person. But, well he transferred to here for college and we've gotten to see each other about once a month so it's working. But we still get really frustrated and sad when we haven't seen each other for a while. Things can be really difficult. But I just try to look towards the future and remember next school year he'll have his car and I'll have my license by then so things will be better. As for your case, Amber, I'd say go for it unless you plan on going out to clubs or college in the immediate future. You have no temptation away from the guy so why not.

-- Lindsey (indigo@ausi.com), April 09, 2000.


Three years ago I somehow, unbelievably ... became involved with someone I met over the net. I have no idea what to do now or how to do any of it. I know you young people will laugh ... I've been married for over 25 years ... and now I have to decide whether to stay where I am or leave ... I have never been unfaithful to my husband before this man, but I have been unhappy for a very long time0 ... and I don't know what to do ... I have two children the same age as most of you are. Tell me what you think ... do I stay where I am and be bored and unhappy the rest of my life? Or take a chance ...

-- Barb (bbull@cgocable.net), April 11, 2000.

*L* And then after I posted that I went to Amber's hp and saw her new message ... "If you really want to do something, you can't keep running away." But ... what will my kids think. Tell me, please.

-- Barb (bbull@cgocable.net), April 11, 2000.

Barb:

I recently (geez, I say recently, but it's eight months now... how time flies) became involved with someone over the net who is married... separated now... I don't have many rules about who I get involved with, but I always told myself that one of them was I'd never get involved with a married person unless he or she had some kind of an open marriage or other arrangement with their spouse. In this case, though, the marriage... well... I was not the precipitating factor in its end... and I'm just glad that I was there to give my new love comfort through her difficult time. There were no children in that marriage... which is a blessing... I don't know if I could have gone through with it if there were children... and I don't know that this would have been a good thing. Is it such a service to your children to teach them that the glue that binds a marriage together boils down to shame, duty, and obligation? I'm not recommending that you run out with your mystery man at the first opportunity... not at all... I've seen (and had) more net relationships that failed than succeeded by a long shot... but if you're unhappy in your marriage, you owe it to your children as much as to yourself to explore the reasons why.

If your kids are our age, then they've already reached the age of (ha- ha) reason, and they'll think what they'll think.

As far as your internet man and making things work with him, or finding out if they could... think about the things you talk about. What is it that attracts you to him? A lot of internet chat takes place in simplified or reduced form.... not to demean anyone, but they seem to start a lot like this. "Does anyone like good movies?" "I love good movies!"

Even if you do talk about what a "good" movie is and discover you agree on this, how much do you know about this person's movie watching habits? Maybe they like to discuss the movie and you like to watch quietly, or vice versa. Think about the hundred and fifty different ways that someone who's perfectly nice and agreeable can annoy you with one tiny little thing.

Think about all the things he's said where the words could be taken more than one way, and all the things you've said like that, likewise. What are the chances that they were really meant exactly the same way they were taken? Without facial cues and vocal hints, it's very easy to convince yourself you've found your soulmate when you really don't have a clue what each other are talking about.

I realize I'm taking up a lot of space, but this is a subject I've given a LOT of thought to over the last several years... Barb, if you or anyone else wants to, you can e-mail me at the below address and we can trade insights...

-- Lexy (babylexy@cuteandcuddly.com), April 13, 2000.


I married my online relationship... I've never been happier than when I'm with her. She's my everything. My main suggestion to people is to take your time! Too many people will meet online, then two months later meet in person, then plan weddings after that. I knew my wife for 1.3 years before we even met in person. Then 6 months after that I moved to England to be with her. Then a little before our two year anniversary of meeting, we got married. Honesty is the key in these relationships as with one's in person.

And Barb, talk to your husband about what you're feeling. As this is going to effect his life more than any of our's. I don't mean that to sound as mean as it does. Me and Raven (wife) talked about this before. If we met someone else, before we even acted on anything, we would tell the other that they've seen someone that they could be interested in, and then we can work through it together. When the lying and sneaking starts to happen, that's when things need to be changed. Another key there, communication! Ha! :) Most marriages (generalization here) break down because communication does. When you can't talk to someone anymore, you either get out or start sharing.

My two cents. :)

-- Amy Collins (veracity@the-loft.demon.co.uk), April 13, 2000.

My kneejerk reaction is that online relationships develop because the two people seeking the relationship want to have a conncection without actually engaging in a meaningful relationship. I mean, the internet my close gaps and everything, but how much can you learn about a person without actually interacting with them? Plus, limited as my experience may be, I've never read of someone involved in an online relationship who didn't hate their home life and want to be out of there like the devil.

But, people prove me wrong all the time. People meet online and date and move in together and merge domains and all kinda of crazy crap. If it works out and everybody is happy, then who am I to thinkit's nuts. It just isn't for me.

As for answering you, I'd discourage online relationships.

Screw

-- Screw Driver (screwdriver@themail.com), June 15, 2000.



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