If you are weeding/planting/doing anything around Oriental Lilies, immediately stomp on all of them. It's going to happen anyway, and this makes the remainder of the task less stressful.

Discourage friends, family members, significant others, neighbors, in fact, anyone from taking an interest in your garden. Otherwise, sooner or later they will pull up all of your coreopsis thinking they are mutant dandelions.

Your dogs will dig up an entire bed to catch a mole but will sleep while the rabbit eats all of the dianthus. For a cool resting spot your dogs will dig a huge hole under that favorite shrub vigorously tossing soil out over the lawn, but avert their gaze and sniff the air when it's time to transplant those shrubs.

If you are gardening near a bog or pond area, immediately jump in feet first. Sooner or later you will either fall forward or backward and you might as well get it out of the way.

All dormant plants have a Sleeping Beauty complex. They will remain dormant for months or even years (years if they were very expensive). It is best to throw them away immediately.

If a treasured plant multiplies, immediately kill the parent. The parent will never again bloom or grow well since you were only meant to have one.

If a weed comes up easily, replant it. It is cleverly disguised as a treasured plant.

If you plan to garden organically, rush screaming into your garden brandishing the most toxic pesticides known to man, spraying wildly. This is the only way to convince dandelions not to establish their roots firmly under your four foot rock wall. Repeat frequently; some dandelions are slow learners.

Never, never wear anything gardening that you would be caught dead in. Otherwise you can't wipe everything on your pants with impunity.

Don't bother with making your garden look too nice; the garden club will come over and demand to tour your yard on the ONE day that everything looks horrible. So why even try?

Don't attempt to do errands after showering, doing your hair, and putting on make-up. You'll run into people you know ONLY if you haven't showered after spending 10 hours digging in 90 degree heat.

Throw those brand new expensive kid-leather gloves out right after you've brought them home from the garden center. You're not going to use them anyway, and who uses gloves to garden, anyway? Besides, they might get dirty.

Pour salt water on your lettuce, tomatoes, and any other heirloom veggie you planted this spring, that way you will have outwitted those old slugs before they outwit you!

Buy dozens of trowels and place them at regular intervals in the garden so you never loss one again. Then repeat the next year when you can't find any of them.

Don't bother using extra care to dig up a big rootball when you're transplanting that treasured perennial - the root ball will just split in half down the center when you lift it out of the hole.

Plant something that is labeled as being "mildly invasive" in your favorite bed, knowing that this will cause you to keep a really close eye on things before they get out of control. If you are smart, you will start digging a new "favorite" bed immediately.

Make sure that you only bring the tools you don't need so you can walk back and forth several times across the yards.

Plant labels are so helpful. Cut out the wind, soil heaving, and animal influence and just strew them about the garden.

Always presume a plant will do fine in your garden even if you cannot meet the minimal requirements for it. You just must have it! It will do fine.

Plan on spending the day doing all those gardening projects you have been waiting all week to get to. Presto! You have company drop by and of course they want to go inside.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), April 11, 2000

Answers

Brooks...

Methinks you've been spying on me! :-)

-- Brooke (WilferdW@aol.com), April 11, 2000.

I really should get me some gardening gloves! I'd never wear them, but I'd feel more like a "real" gardener. And one of those floppy hats. And kneepads. (those I could use for real!)

Another gardening tip...It is impossible to actually grow sunflowers. Five seconds after you plant the sunflower seeds, when you turn your back to walk into the house after your hard work, the squirrel who was watching you from above will have already dug them all back out and eaten them. He will leave you the empty shells.

When you put anything on your lawn or garden that requires no rain for awhile...lest it get washed away...it WILL rain. Out of nowhere, it will rain. (see car washing)

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 11, 2000.

I had to give up bridge playing. The duplicate games were always Monday evening, which wasn't nearly enough time to get my manicure straightened out from the weekend. ;^)

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), April 12, 2000.

That about sums up MY experiences last year. Now y'all know why I'm doing container gardening this year. [Only ONE container got dumped during the tornado that went by.]

Kritter: Gloves ARE good for pulling up weeds with burrs or for digging. They cut down on cuts and blisters in that regard. They must not be designed to keep dirt from getting under fingernails, because they don't feel right for doing the dirt stuff, so you'll find yourself removing them.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), April 13, 2000.

Hey y'all-

Am off now for a bit to care for some elderly, frail loved ones. I received this in an e-mail today, I 'spect many of us feel that we're going through turmoil with our 'virtual family'...as well as the flesh & blood who share our walls {don't get me started on teen boys, 'kay!}

> Subject: Your Millennium Garden > > > > > > > Plant three rows of peas: > > > Peace of mind > > > Peace of heart > > > Peace of soul > > > > > > Plant four rows of squash: > > > Squash gossip > > > Squash indifference > > > Squash grumbling > > > Squash selfishness > > > > > > Plant four rows of lettuce: > > > Lettuce be faithful > > > Lettuce be kind > > > Lettuce be happy > > > Lettuce really love one another > > > > > > No garden should be without turnips: > > > Turnip for service when needed > > > Turnip to help one another > > > Turnip the music and dance > > > > > > Water freely with patience and Cultivate with love. > > > There is much fruit in your garden > > > Because you reap what you sow. > > > > > > To conclude our garden we must have Thyme: > > > Thyme for fun > > > Thyme for rest > > > Thyme for ourselves. > > > > > > Pretty nice garden, don't you think? Pass it on!!! > > > > > > > > > > > >

-- flora (***@__._), April 14, 2000.

Thanks, Flora! I can do *that* kind of gardening!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), April 14, 2000.

Dear Tricia,

That kinda gardening is prolly the most important kind!

The world is much richer for your tillin'!

-- flora (***@__._), April 14, 2000.

The round metal thing (does it have a name?) at the end of my hose, that the sprayer fits onto..it got smooshed flat by my son accidently stepping on it. Okay, I'm smart.. I cut it off and bought a new one at Walmart. It was made of plastic (.97c)

Easy installation they say. This goes around the hose, then this other thing goes inside the hose, then you tighten the first thing. Cool. So I put it on, nice and tight, and turn on the water. The thing that went inside..?...It SHOT OUT like a bullet into the far reaches of my backyard!! The cat even retreated under a bush after that.

Not to be thwarted, I tried again, using the electic drill to tighten those screws. This time,..the thing inside stayed in, but the water blew out from all around the hose where the connection was made, soaking me and everything within 10 feet of me.

So..I goes back to Walmart with the .97c item, and exchanges it for the $3.97 heavy duty copper fitting. This one has some grippy things, and a collar that screws over the grippy things. Easy installation it says! I'll let ya know how it goes tomorrow! Hide yer cats!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 14, 2000.

Never buy a plant unless you have no idea where to put it. Wandering around your garden, pot and shovel in hand, gives you the chance to inspect your garden closely. You will have brilliant flashes of inspiration on how to rearrange whole sections to make room for your one plant. Three hours and several plant moves later, you will realize the absolutely perfect plant for the now vacant spot and will have to make an emergency trip back to the nursery for the perfect plant.

Ten minutes after sundown, you will spy a big fat weed that has been disguising itself as a treasure. Dig it up and plant your original plant. Tell hubby you spent ALL DAY planting one plant and ask him to pick up chinese for dinner.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), April 16, 2000.

Kritter,

I'm ashamed of you. Just how long you been in the FRL anyway? You should know that you just cut off the hose end, stick it into the spray nozzle and duck-tape the heck out of it. Be sure to wrap the duck tape around the hose securely, oh, say, about nine feet down should do. And wrap the joint untill it is the size of a baseball.

If you need more tape, see Rob.

You're welcvome in advance.

------------------------------------------

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), April 18, 2000.