what do i do when im mad at my "friend"greenspun.com : LUSENET : Xeney : One Thread
hey, i know this girl and she is always flirting with this guy. the girl is my friend and everything but the guy is my boyfriend. im always extremly mad at her when she does this but i dont know what to do or say....i dont RRRREEEAALLLYYY want to hurt her feelings. plese tell me what to do..i need advice.......tks, brooke
-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000
Well, short of killing her, there's not a whole lot you can do to prevent this without either employing some ingenious scheme to make her sympathetic to your own feelings, or just outright lying. Any kind of more subtle approach, i.e. "Wow, you're really flirtatious, aren't you?" probably won't get you anywhere good.
You could tell her that you feel like women are always coming on really strongly to your boyfriend, but that might just encourage her. I'd suggest totally lying. Like a rug. Like the Ramseys. Like this:
Her: So, do you and Boyfriend want to hang out tonight?
You: Well, I *would*, but, uh, ummmmmmmm, well......
Her: What's wrong?
You: Well, I didn't really want to have to tell you this, but Boyfriend has been saying that he doesn't feel comfortable around you lately...
Her: But why?
You: Well, I *told* him he was totally off base about this, but he said that he feels like you really come on to him sometimes. doesn't want to ruin your friendship, so he's just been suggesting we do things alone lately. I told him that he was being ridiculous, but he wouldn't listen.
Just an idea from the wacky amoebal soup of my brain.
-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000
Yeah, that MIGHT work... if the boyfriend speaks Urdu and the friend speaks Manadarin and therefore they can only communicate through Brooke. Otherwise, they WILL eventually speak about this -- if a friend of mine were to tell me this, I would probably speak privately with her boyfriend to explain that I hadn't meant anything by the way I comported myself, and that I wanted to apologize for making him uncomfortable. If I were met with a "What the hell are you talking about?" you can bet I'd be madder than a wet cat about being lied to.
Why build an elaborate scaffold of deception when the truth will do just as well? Go to the friend and say, "Friend, I've been having this feeling lately, and you know how even when feelings are totally irrational you can't just tell yourself that they don't make sense and have them go away? Like when you have PMS and your car's radio goes on the fritz the same day, and you end up smacking the shit out of your dashboard even though you know intellectually that won't help? Well, sometimes I feel like you're flirting with Boy. I know it's crazy, because you're my friend and you would never try to bungle up my relationship like that. But just knowing it's nuts isn't making me any more comfortable with it. So ... could you please not [give him backrubs, wink at him, kiss him on the cheek, whatever else she's doing that raises your hackles]?"
Respond to any protests with "I know, I know you're not doing it on purpose, it would just make me feel better if it stopped."
Real friends step carefully around your sensitive parts, even if they don't share your anxieties. I have a friend who is convinced that she is stupid, even though she isn't, so I never say thing like, "Oh, don't be dumb, this isn't the way to get to Wallingford." I just let her take the long way. Some people get pissed off if you tickle them. Just don't tickle them. It doesn't matter that you mean it in fun or that it makes you laugh -- you just don't do it if you respect them.
-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000
Sometimes it is not possible to have both, then the decision is how to keep the one you want, with all its attendant complications. The life of diplomacy is rough, rocky and ulcerating. Luck
-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000