My girlfriend has a son. He's almost two. A while back she and her husband asked if he could call me "Mommy" also since I have been very involved in his life. I took the question home to my husband, and he thought it was terrible that he would call us his other "Parents": he would be made fun of ostricized, etc. He said that he should call us aunt and uncle, so now he does. The titles of aunt and uncle will make it easier in dealing with play groups and doctors and so forth, but I'm concerned that were teaching him to lie.

Does anyone else have any experience in dealing with poly-parenting issues such as how to talk to doctors, teachers, child care workers, etc? Does anyone just have an opinion of how they would handle similar situations? I don't want my "child" to feel embarressed of different, but I want to be honest about who I am to him and what he means to me. Any advise will be appreciated.

-- AJ (joijoijoi@hotmail.com), April 24, 2000

Answers

that's a hard question, and if you get any good answers, please let me know! i think the aunt and uncle idea is easier on traditional- minded people, but the world is getting more aware of different kinds of families, so having two mommies and daddies isn't as far out there as it used to be. maybe you could stick with aunt and uncle until your little guy is old enough to understand more, and then re- evaluate what you think he (and the teachers, doctors, etc.) can handle. another idea - if you don't mind, maybe he could use your first names? the depth of your relationship with him will probably be apparent no matter what he calls you.

-- ann monroe (monroe@chorus.net), April 24, 2000.

My parents had many very close friends. They always wanted us to show respect to elders and wanted us to not call their friends by their first name. They did not want us to call the people in their life they were close to and considered extended family Mr. and Mrs either. They developed a system of honorary Aunts and Uncles. My parents were not polyamorous but they had a very communal approach to friendships and considered some of their friends closer than their brothers and sisters. They often said things like he is like my brother.

I found no lie in calling my honorary Uncle Kenny, uncle. Later I chose to call him Mr. Cohen when I was in my late teens because I wanted to show him respect in my own way. When I was in my thirties and we had gone through tough life experiences together including the deaths of his parents, I started calling him Papa and his wife mom as well as by their first name depending on the mood of the moment and what I was communicating. To my biological parents and my friends I call them my Jewish parents because I learned the Jewish culture and sense of humor from them.

I see no lie in any of this. I know what they mean to me, they know what I mean to them. I see no trouble with honorary titles and children can learn that it is honorary, as they can understand.

Aunt and Uncle seems cool for non-biological. Or even other forms of endearment like mamma or nana or what ever. Then as they understand they come up with their own titles.

The real question though is why are the titles important to the adults? What do they need out of the titles? Is it so necessary for validation of place? Do they want to impress a status onto the child?

Sometimes I think it is more important to find place and live it than to worry about getting it through titles.

Just something I think about when dealing with child issues. What about this is for me and what about this is for the child.

I am very interested in the other issues you bring up. I have posed and listened to conversations about these type of conversations on the Loving More list, Alt Poly and on the poly groups I am members of. I find child issues a fascinating aspect of being poly.

Lee

-- Lee (leet@megsinet.net), April 24, 2000.

This question is an important one. I have two kids and feel as though I am polyamorous (I absolutely agree in theory, but my wife and I have yet to put it into practice). One of our concerns was what would happen if we brought someone, or several people into our relationship.

On the other hand, we might be creating a problem where there is none, because both of my kids call my wife's best friend Auntie. They started doing that on their own...

-- Ed (Edward_Charbonnier@sunlife.com), April 26, 2000.

Hmm tough one. Really because while I am polyamourous, and my kids do call my partner Mom sometimes, they also know her as Chris, because they knew her before we were partners. Also my youngest is 8, and while he understands Poly a little bit, he did have some problems with Chris being a part of our family at first. He would refuse to say she was family, and say she was a friend until we sat and talked with him that she was not replacing anyone, but was creating a new family unit(as opposed to joining ours...the best way to create understanding and equality is to create a new family, not adjust an existing one.) Now when Chris is over, she is included in hugs as a Mom, and her word is as valid as his biological parents, and sometimes he seeks her out forher wisdom and fairness. (sometimes he dreads her punishments too!) I guess the most important thing is what you are comfortable with... How OUT are you? If your child gets questioned about this "other Mom" how will they answer and what will that mean to you? In Madison, we are getting moreand more OUT, because we want people to see Poly as a viable option, and we find tolerance towards us. How would your community react?? Will someone try to take away your/their kids?

-- Pete (PLeMay816@aol.com), April 29, 2000.