After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office. Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that youre ready to go home. Im only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck. Oh, he didnt kill himself, Mr. James replied. I hung him up to dry.

Mr. Perkins taught biology at a posh womens college. Miss Smythe, he said, would you please tell the class which organ of the human body, under appropriate conditions, can expand to six times its normal size, and specify those conditions. Miss Smythe gasped and turned red. Mr. Perkins, that is not a proper question to ask a room full of ladies, she said. I assure you my parents will hear of this! Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins repeated the question. Miss Johnson, would you please tell the class which organ of the human body, under appropriate conditions, can expand to six times its normal size, and specify those conditions. Miss Johnson replied, Sir, the pupil of the eye in dim light. Correct, said Mr. Perkins. And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you should have studied todays lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, someday youre going to be a terribly disappointed young woman!

Down in the Deep South, in the Bible Belt, a Baptist minister finished a particularly moving sermon, Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors! One of you has been spreading rumors that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is simply not true! I want the guilty party to confess and apologize right now, right here, before the congregation. There was a long pause before a young woman rose slowly, blushing and trembling. Preacher, maybe its my fault. I did mention to one of my friends that youre a wizard under the sheets!

An 80-year-old couple was having trouble remembering things, so they decided to start making notes to help them. That evening, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. His wife asked, Where are you going? To the kitchen. Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? Okay. Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? Nope, I can remember. Can you put some strawberries on top? Okay. Dont you think you should write that down? Nope, I can remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top. And while youre at it, would you put a little whipped cream on top? Okay. Are you sure you dont want to write down all that? Growing irritated, he replied, No. I dont need to write it down. I can remember a strawberry sundae with whipped cream! and he stomped off into the kitchen. Twenty minutes later he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate. You damned old fool. You forgot my toast!

For the engineers among us..

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because thats the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear end of two war horses. And now, the twist to the story: When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thickol makes the SRBs at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses asses. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horses ass!

What are the five worst things about being a Penis? 1 - You have a hole in your head. 2 - You have a permanent ring-around-the-collar. 3 - Your next-door neighbours are two nuts and an asshole. 4 - Your best friend is a cunt. 5 - Every time you get excited, you throw up.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most peoplewhether they are employed or not. 2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, dont worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial artsyour enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 13. Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub offeven while scuba diving. 15. Youre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German). 17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. 22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyre going to go off. 24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

MALE/FEMALE DICTIONARY

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n. Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. Male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a cars hood. Male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another. Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. Male: The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything with one ball, two beers, or three stooges.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: What men have to call boinking to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever youre cooking, to make sure its good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

Important words from important people. The wisdom of those who drink...

I feel sorry for people who dont drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats as good as theyre going to feel allday.  Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.  Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.  Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you cant say it.  Anonymous

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time.  Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself pleasure. . Ambrose Bierce

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?  W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.  Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  Henny Youngman

Id rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.  Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?  Stephen Wright

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline, it helps if you have some kind of a football team,or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.  Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. . Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. . Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.  Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.  Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. . Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. . Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.  Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. . Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.  George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me -so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer.  Homer Simpson

What do you get when you play a country-western record backward?

ans: You get your truck back, your dog back, your wife back, your trailer back, etc...

**The Worst (or Best) Country-Western Song Titles of All Time 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 4. How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away? 5. I Cant Get Over You, So Why Dont You Get Under Me? 6. I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2 8. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Dont Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 9. I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You 10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better 12. I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win 13. Ill Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonite 14. Im So Miserable Without You, Its Like Having You Here 15. Ive Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed As I Cry Over You 16. If I Cant Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 17. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Id Be Out By Now 18. Mama Get A Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head) 19. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus 20. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 21. Please Bypass this Heart 22. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 23. Youre the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Rodney walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender delivered it, Rodney reached in his pocket and pulled out a living 3-inch-tall man from his pocket. The bartender was stunned. Thats amazing, said the bartender. Ive never seen anything like that. Can he hear you? Sure can. Wave to him, Al. And the tiny man waved hello to the bartender. Thats amazing, said the bartender. What else can he do? Can he walk? Sure can. Hey, Al, grab me a peanut. The little guy ran across the bar, grabbed a peanut, and brought it back to Rodney. The bartender was impressed. Cool, said the bartender. What else can he do? Can he talk? Talk? Sure can. Hey, Al. Tell him about that time when we were on safari and you called the witch doctor a prick!

After 35 years of faithfully delivering the mail through all kinds of weather, it was finally the neighborhood mailmans last day on the job. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, congratulated him and gave him a box of fine cigars. At the second house, he received a tackle box filled with terrific collection of fishing lures. But at the third house, a strikingly beautiful woman wearing nothing but a see-through negligee met him. She said not a word, but took him by the hand, led him inside, closed the front door, removed his heavy pack, and then led him upstairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate sex he had ever had. Afterwards, she prepared him a giant breakfast of ham and eggs, fried potatoes, blueberry waffles, fresh-squeezed orange juice and a steaming pot of coffee. When he could hold no more, he pushed back his plate and noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under it. This whole experience was just too wonderful for words, he told her, but whats the dollar? Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today was your last day, and suggested that we do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, F**k him! Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!

One day a rabbit escaped from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried under the fencing, for the first time in his life he felt daylight on his face and grass under his feet. This is great! he thought. Squeezing under a hedge, he found lots of wild bunnies nibbling on the lush grass. He tried it and it tasted so good! He asked the other rabbits, What else do wild rabbits do? Come with me, replied one, and they raced to a field of carrots. Try these! He did and they tasted great too! So again he asked, What else do wild rabbits do? Come on, said another, and they scampered to a field full of ripe lettuce. Try this! He did and the lettuce tasted even better than the carrots and wild grass. He ate and ate until he was completely full. Well, Ill see you guys later, he announced. I gotta get back to the lab, The wild rabbits were shocked. What? Why? they asked. After a great meal like this, I just gotta have a cigarette!

A newlywed sailor learned he was going to be assigned for two years to a remote island in the South Pacific. Right after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her. Darling, he wrote, were going to be apart a long time. I already miss you. Theres not much to do here. And were surrounded by beautiful young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby I might not be so tempted? His wife wrote back, including a harmonica. Here, dear. Learn to play this. When his tour of duty finally ended, he returned to his wife. Darling, quick! he said, Lets go to bed and make passionate love! Great! said his wife. But first, I want to hear you play a few tunes on that harmonica!

Howard had felt guilty all day. No matter how hard he tried to forget, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Hed hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, Howard. Dont worry about it. You arent the first doctor who slept with one of his patients and you wont be the last. But invariably, another small inner voice would answer, Howard. Youre a veterinarian!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? The first blonde answers, Thats easy, well catch him fast because he only has one eye! The policeman says, Well...uh...thats because the picture shows his profile. Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! Hed be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! The policeman angrily responds, Whats the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because its a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds ...think hard before giving me a stupid answer. The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses. The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesnt know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, thats an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and Ill get back to you on that. He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I cant believe it...its TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? Thats easy, the blonde replied. He cant wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000