Do you have a fear of success? Have you shown a pattern of sabotaging yourself, when success is within your grasp? Are your expectations so unrealistic as to be unfulfillable--thus guaranteeing failure? And do you keep raising them, as you approach a victory?

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

Answers

I don't fear success, but I respect it. (Joke.)

In graduate school, when I saw what you had to do, to make it through, namely apprentice yourself to a mentor, socialize, play the flatterer, bite your tongue, write grant applications in vogue-word jargon, ally yourself with people who could be useful to you, bear false witness against your colleagues, I felt that I would not be able to learn to do that, and was more afraid that I would, that I would lose my sense of moral outrage, of savage indignation, as a kind of protective coloration, and become like the people I despised, insensibly, by degrees.

I fled, in horror.

In "Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders," Camille Paglia says that many of the idealists, the tender-hearted dreamers of my generation fled, and that the tough-minded, pragmatic realists who remained are who are running things now.

I thought writing would be different from academia. That I would not have to affiliate myself with institutions and curry favor with influential people, to get ahead. Writing wasn't a hustle, with credentials, a career path. Badges and rank.

Writing is like that, and it's more professionalized every year.

I was determined to go my own way, to get where I wanted to be by working harder, relaxing less, being purer of heart. More dedicated, more committed.

As I was going about things the wrong way, in the short run, the more effective I was in sticking to my goals, my practice, my tactic, the more was I excluded, slighted, and ignored.

I was stinging myself in the head like a scorpion.

Was I an injustice-collector? A martyr, who wanted to be a victim?

I wanted to succeed, but on my own terms.

I took a workshop once in unblocking yourself from the obstacles you set up to prevent yourself from reaching your destination. You were supposed to identify your hang-ups and turn them into a positive affirmation. Act your way into right thinking. Rather than think your way into right acting.

But what I was trying to do really was impossible. I wanted to have a career as a mainstream writer by writing books the mainstream wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Books that flouted convention, offended blocs of consumers advertisers did not want to offend, books that would lead to lawsuits, boycotts, and the cold shoulder at the country club, from your peers, in the industry, to whom my views were anathema.

I wanted to overturn the applecart, toss the moneychangers out of the temple, expose the racket for what it was, a grubby little bunch of angleworm in a bottle.

Every time I came close to breaking through I would bear down harder.

Is this self-destructive? Is art folly, or career suicide?

The fool who persists in his folly becomes wise. I think.

But I don't know if I'm a cobbler sticking to his last or a dog returning to his vomit.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

You sound like a Howard Roark.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

Fear success? Hell no - I fully embrace it. I tend to be fairly realistic most of the time - I set myself difficult but attainable goals, and generally manage to achieve them. However, I don't usually get a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction when I do achieve them, so maybe I need to take a bit more pride when I do something well.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Fear of Success? Suze Ormond bullshit. Conversely, if you're poor, it's your fault.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I think "fear of success" is far rarer than just plain sucking.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I have some fear of success - that "oh my god, someday they'll discover I'm a fraud" feeling.

However, the bigger reason for my lack of success / wealth / what have you is my fear of working hard. I observed back in high school that people who did well got rewarded by being given harder work and more of it, and getting to do stressful things like go to law or medical school.

I have risen to the level of success and work that I can live with. I'm smart and could have risen higher if I wanted to work harder, but I don't.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I have some fear of success - that "oh my god, someday they'll discover I'm a fraud" feeling.

However, the bigger reason for my lack of success / wealth / what have you is my fear of working hard. I observed back in high school that people who did well got rewarded by being given harder work and more of it, and getting to do stressful things like go to law or medical school.

I have risen to the level of success and work that I can live with. I'm smart and could have risen higher if I wanted to work harder, but I don't. I treasure my leisure time.

Success comes with a price.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

It's more like I have a very finely honed terror of failure. I have set myself goals (book contract by 30; Governor General Award nomination by 35; GG win by 40; etc) which are attainable - but very, very difficult. I'm very driven, and I don't know why it's so important to me to have these accomplishments... what, after all, am I trying to prove? And to whom?

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

My fear of success boils down to one thing--fear of raising people's expectations of me. Basically, reluctance to break out of my comfort zone and live up to my real potential.

I haven't ever purposefully sabotaged my opportunities, but I haven't exactly opened the door wide either. I pass myself off as anti-Type A.

I manage to do well. But I know I could be doing fantastically, if I weren't so inert.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Lise, you sound a lot like me.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000