When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend. When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen. She cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Answers

This is called adjusting your horizons Gav - to what you always wanted all along. You were just being too cerebral, and didn't realise it.

Excellent post - I almost choked on my cereal when I got to the end. Brilliant self phsyco-analysis - you truly are a real Geordie, if not quite a 'new man'.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Dear Gav,

So let me get this straight - your looking for a girl with large chesty parts? But you require that they have no brain/mind/personality/ambition/emotion/common sense/passion/mood swings/pmt/intelligence/compassion/urges/whims/fancies/dreams/principl es, am I correct? As genetic engineering is still in it`s infancy, I can only recommend that, as an interim solution to your problems, you fill two ballons with warm water. Use as much or as little as suits your requirements. Spend some quality time with them. Tell them jokes, get them to listen to your problems, watch films together, discuss the probems of the world.....

Now think about it Gav - how boring would that be!

I think I might market this idea - call `em `boosum buddies` or something........(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Gav i know you didnt write that , fistly cos ive seen it before , but secondly the other night you told me you didnt like lasses wih big balloons ... whats wrong with you man ? The rest of it fits your life down to a tee .... what you actually need IMHO is an exciting , ambitious girl with big balloons who wants to play your mother figure . Any ideas where i can get one ? BTW v surprise about the big balloons , i thought a big lad like you would be wanting an ample handful ; - ))

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

I posted "as is" people....it's not referring to me :))

As Sting so kindly points out.....I'll have NOTHING to do with any woman who's bigger than......a 36C...even that's stretching it a little :) and I don't care whether she's got a bubbly personality to go with it....they're ok to look at but good for absolutely nothing :))

There you go....once again you lot have dragged me back down into the gutter that I am trying to climb out of!! :( you should all be ashamed of yourselves!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Commendable effort being made Gav, but does the term 'pissing in the wind' mean anything.

Keep it up mate........(muffled laughter!)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Oops! My mistake - I thought you were talking about yourself! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Galaxy,
Somebody beat you to it - they're called 'femmes de voyage'. -)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

<>

Well thank God that rules me out then Gav :-)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Modest Sue ; - )

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Sue,

Don't breathe too big a sigh of relief......you could very well take off!! ;)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

This new site is far more prurient than the old one. I propose that we set up a committee to look into it. I reckon that Sue, Yelli, Jay, Steph, Galaxy and me should get together in a mudbath to thrash it out. Something has to be done about it.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Softie,

I suggest we have two committee's looking into it...

Hmmm how can we split them up??...

I know....I'll have anything under a 36C on my team and you can have the rest?

Great....lets get started then....last one in is frigid!! ;)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Could be just the kind of thing the BBC are looking for - sort of `Ibiza Uncovered` meets `Life on Earth` meets `Question Time` meets ,Jim`ll Fix it`! What do you think ITK - would Auntie be up for this type of `fly on the wall` docu-soap-drama-series`?

Hang on! I`ve just changed my mind. I know why you included me in that - you want me to clean the bath out afterwards don`t you?! Hmmph! And to think I nearly fell for it!(:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Galaxy,

Don't be silly.....it's not a real bath!! we couldn't possibly all fit in there!!

Anyway....who's team are you on....mine or Softie's?

I'd better leg it before Bill comes to batter me for making improper suggestions to his mum....

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Now you know Gav, I feel that would be just way too much information! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Awww shucks!!

I didn't think it would fool anyone but I hoped :))

So far we've got Sue on Softie's side and I'm on my tod!! how can we have a meaningful mass debate like that?

[Exit Stage Left]

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Besides which, it`s difficult to get a true measurement with the tape around your waist! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Now that was TOO much information :(

That Isaac Newton bloke wants shooting for inventing gravity!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Only joking! Yelli will give me a good ticking off when she gets in from work! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

She'll tell you off will she....and why pray tell? :))

I always thought that it was supposed to be the mother telling the daughter off....

Hmm....Is Yelli on my team?

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Sorry Gav, afraid you're lumbered with me!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Hurrah for Steph!! :))

Now here's a girl with spirit!! :))

Now...if LR was correct in his assumptions then that means I also have Jay on my team as well.....could be going into a 2-1 lead over the Soft One here :))

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Gav - is Yelli on my team? Now you know you`re going to have her that yourself! Mother/daughter confidentiality, and all that! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

"Have her that yourself"....Hmmm you flustered or offering her to me? ;))

I'm gonna fall off my chair laughing soon....please don't make me do that cos I'm still in pain from playing football the other night! :))

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Oop! Freudian slip if ever I saw one - must remember to read posting BEFORE pressing the button. I wonder what was going through my mind? Now Yelli really IS going to throw a wobbly! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Don't bring Dr Freud back into it!!

I can hear Softie in the background pulling out the black couch already....

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

In fact, I think it`s time I went to Sainsburys - can`t get myself into trouble there! Enjoy your bath everyone - don`t forget behind the ears, and the Vim`s in cupboard......byeeeee!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Someone sound the alert in Sainsbury's.....quickly!!

I suppose that leaves me by myself in this big pile of mud.....not for the first time ;)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Zis iss a most interestink case. Von I feel vill require lots off personal time on my couch. I vill make use off zer most modern techniks off hypnosis from Svitzerland. Zese may at first appear to be a little baffling, but I can assure you zat all zer things I must ask you to do are strictly necessary for zer tests. First a little cardio pulmonary rescusitation I feel. Zer placing off zer Doktor's hands over zer patients heart iss most important to help build up zat vital bond between zer health professional und zer patient. Naturally I must alsso wear zis hockey mask vile performing zis delicate task...

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

"could be going into a 2-1 lead over the Soft One here :)) "

For the record Gav, I'm extremely happy with the 2 I have already thanks, wahey! Sorry, no smutty remarks for half an hour...I was getting withdrawal symptoms :-)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

If you're organising mud baths, I'm sure me mam would let us have a day off. You could tell her it would be a good experience for somebody who's led such a sheltered life. -)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

But surely my 4 smaller ones are better than your two big ones?

Bill, sorry this isn't Middlesborough and you aren't getting into the bath with your mam.....bloody pervert!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Ha-ha! Fooled you Gav - did the cheapo thing and went to Tescos - they are probably still on red alert at Sainsburys!

Only wanted dog food today. Usual thing, I go through the check out with a hundred tins of dog food. Check out girl says `have you got a lot of dogs then?` and I reply `no, but it makes a canny pie!` Very concerned at this point to see the check out girl pick up a tin of dog food examining it closely with a suprised but interested look on her face! She`s probably buying the pastry to with as I type!

Softie - no offence, but your posting gave me the creeps! If I start having nightmares about shrinks in hockey masks, I shall hold you fully responsible! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

You haven't seen my face Galaxy, most lasses insist that I wear a mask - paper bags just aren't sturdy enough :-)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

It makes life worth living to find out that my own mother could slip- up like that! I am going to have to give up work and stay home with her in the future!!! The way things are going I'm close to being auctioned off to the highest bidder!!!

(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

I'm definitely not coming round yours for dinner then Galaxy...dog food pie....urrggghhhh...

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yelli,

Who's team are you on then since mumsie wouldn't spill the beans?

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Gav,

It's a close run thing - but I just fall into Softies team!!!

x

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Hmmm 2-2 eh...(if LR was right about Jay)

Getting a bit close for comfort this!

Looks like Mum could be the decider!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Unfortunately, my lips are sealed!!! Mother/Daughter loyallty and all that!!!

(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

But then, she is offering to let you 'HAVE' me so I might be persuaded to change my mind!!! ;))

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

If her earlier posting is any hint then it's not looking too good for me!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yes it's a shame that there aren't automatic timestamps on the bbs cos then you would've noticed that I picked up on her slip in milliseconds!! ;)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Why doesn't that surprise me!!! Bless her, she was still laughing when I got home!!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

But then I gave her her medication and put her in her padded cell for a couple of hours and I'm hoping she'll feel better when she comes out again.......

(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Padded cell eh? there does seem something strange about your relationship....

She seems very afraid of you.....she literally ran off to the shops when she realised she had said something that you wouldn't like....

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yelli

Don't eat the pie. No questions, just don't eat the bliddy thing. Pretend yer sick or summat, but divvent eat the pie.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yup,

Get out of the house quickly!!! I think she's so afraid of your reaction about her postings that she's decided to poison you with dog food pie before you get to her!!!

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

It`ll take more than a padded cell to keep me subdued - I can tell ya`! Right, I`m off to make the dinner `liver` with a nice Chianti (sp) should do it! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

And I'm getting the hell out of the house while I am still intact!!!

(:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Arrrgh!!!!! I think this thread should close now without any further postings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must be in the genes!!!!(:o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

And in the 'jeans' is where it must stay!!! ;)

Sorry, I'll be leaving now - where did I leave my fur coat?!?

(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Girls,

Notice how everyone else has left this thread apart from me?

I'll be round for dinner in a little while........

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

>>>>>where did I leave my fur coat?!?<<<<<

I think it was last seen running around the garden. I believe it is still warm......

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yelli,

I think your fur coat is still on my bedroom floor.....

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Gav,

So that's where I left it!!! I need to pick that up soon - it's getting a bit breezy down South!!!

(;o)

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Yelli,

It's a bit stained mind........sorry.....I spilt some......milk on it....

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Gav, let's recap:

I have Susie, Yelli and possibly Galaxy in my tub, and you have Steph and possibly Jay in yours. I know Dougal has been dieting, but I am hoping that she will be joining my committee.

Looking like 4-2 to me, and might even be 5-1.

I'm a little worried about stamina at this point, but they seem like fairly healthy lasses so they might just be able to keep up :-)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Hmmm yes, Jay and Galaxy do seem to be a bit shy about nailing their colours to the mast....playing both sides off against each other methinks!!

Still I'm confident that myself and Steph can make an interesting bout of it!! Steph can wretle you and I'll take on the girls!!

Haha....I knew i'd end up getting to grips with them somehow!! ;)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Gav - wretle? Sounds painful!

As for nailing my colours to the mast - won`t happen! I`m just too even-handed (besides which, I`m not sure how to wretle!) (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Bless....you have led a sheltered life haven't you honey!! I can't believe that in this day and age someone has never actually participated in the noble sport of 'Wretling'...

I could give you lessons but not until you've chosen a side....I don't want to be giving the competition a hand do I!!!

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Ahem. Excuse me Mr Herron, I don't recall making any selection criteria for my tub, the fact that most of the lasses on here don't meet your stringent requirements is entirely your own fault for limiting your options in the first place. Steph is welcome to come and wretle with the rest of us and you will just have to play with your rubber duck. Now then ladies, where were we? :-)

Nurse! Bring me a large bottle of viagra and an oxygen mask.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

No selection criteria...that's always been your problem!! it's men like you who give choosy, careful men like myself a bad name :(

Oh hello Caprice, you want to come into my tub you say? well I can hardly blame you sweetheart....all those girls over there are going to have terrible back problems in later life....and it appears that Mr Soft over there is on Viagra for some reason..... ;)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Bit too late for me now Gav - you know what they say - can`t teach an old dog new tricks! Woof! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Ahh but you can have fun trying......

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000