The Ideal Mate

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Inspired by Kameelah from the old Real World Boston, I've decided to present my buddy Steph (the ultimately doomed Sarahjane matchmaker) with the top ten requirements of any man expected to put up with my shit on a regular basis. So far, no dice, but um, that doesn't mean it's me, does it? Does it?

Here's my list: http://dellazine.com/covergirl/060400.html

Anybody else know exactly what they're looking for in a partner? Share and share alike.

-- sarahjane (sarahjane@dellazine.com), June 05, 2000

Answers

Awwww shheeeit. As I looked through that list, the guy I was dating six months ago met every one of your requests. (Not that I was trying to hook you up with him, but using your list as my own - because it's a pretty good list...but would you date a guy who was like 20 years older than you? With kids, maybe even kids older than you? Or how about kids just past toddlerhood? According to your list, you could...)

Anyway, another major thing you left out, for me is: Well-Adjusted, No Major Baggage - This means you don't get to blame me or suspect me of the bad things your last girlfriends did. One guy didn't want me to nap because his ex was lazy. Another was ultra-defensive of whether I thought he folded his clothes properly - and I turned out to be much more of a slob than he (not hard to do). And then the many who were sure I was cheating, had cheated or was about to cheat. But you've all been though *that* before!

So this perfect guy has to have had at least a couple of girlfriends, loved them, learned and moved on. I want to hear stories about how he got over So-and-So, about the girls who chased him and didn't pass muster, about the fights he had with The Big Ex ... but there's a fine line between blaming them, calling them psychos and pitying yourself for hurting you - and learning from the experiences and moving on.

Just a little #11. It goes to 11, man!

Anyway,

-- Amy Q (bailiwick@fuse.net), June 05, 2000.


I don't know how I feel about this whole "what I'm looking for in a partner" thing. It seems like a lot of different ways for ppl to say "somebody I can love and have sex with who's just like me."

Not that you don't make a good point about baggage, AmyQ. I think sometimes folks who are too tweaked from an old relationship or childhood trauma or whatever to really love another person properly are not necessarily automatic rejects for being a good partner. I'd definitely want to descriminate between somebody who was clueless about their own neuroses and somebody who was farther down the path toward understanding who they are and why they do what they do. But I also a think it's a path down which most folks haven't travelled as far as they think they have.

As an aside (this is more about sj's list) I don't really like the idea of being pro-marraige as a litmus test. Marraiges are right out for me personally because I associate them with religion and I don't want anything to do with churches and preachers and christians. Still, I think commitment is pretty smurfy when it stays clear of codependency. But you suggest that ppl who don't go for old-school marraiges just aren't serious enough. "I pronounce you man and wife"- excuse me?! There's sexism bred into that last line, and I think ppl voluntarily ingest all kinds of unwanted additives with the marraige contract because it's the socially sanctioned way to show you really love somebody. Wouldn't you rather date a progressive boy who would change his name to yours sooner than he'd ask you to give up your own?

-- boze (boze@boze.net), June 05, 2000.


boze makes a good point and i had that progressive attitude like that for a while. [For details, see Billy Joel's "Modern Woman"]. And then I found I kinda like the whole traditional thing. Of courting, of gentlemanly conduct, of pursuing someone the way Gene Kelly did in "On the Town". This brings me to number on my list with a bullet. She has to swoon periodically when I sing to her. She has to be able to keep up with me in conversation, both in witty repartee and philosophical debates about NSync and its parallels to the fall of Rome. It'd be great if she were a romanticist, passionate... well, anything. Food, love, music. Speaking of music, she either has to be a "Christina Aguilera" or not be able to sing at all *and* knows it. Equal parts sweet and sass. note: sass is not criticizing every little I do and say. And I have to get along with her parents and her with mine. Unless they're on lifelong trek through Zimbabwe

-- jack went up the hill (jacklewis6@hotmail.com), June 05, 2000.

I don't think you can really sit down and come up with a list of perfect attributes and then run out and find yourself a person that matches 100%. But it is interesting to sit down and think about what you really value, and how it's reflected (or not) in current and past relationships.

Kids from a previous relationship don't scare me so much, and neither does a reasonable age difference (the best partnership I've had so far was with someone ten years older than me, although I probably would hesitate with 20+ years. . .there comes a point when I'd feel cheated by an extreme age difference).

Everybody's got some kind of emotional baggage, but I figure the most important thing is the willingness to acknowledge your own fucked-upness, and not let it become an excuse to avoid getting over yourself and behaving like a grown-up. So that's all I ask.

I'm old-fashioned, I want to get married, I want public declarations, I want a big rowdy party afterwards. But that said, wanting to get married doesn't necessarily mean I want to get married any time soon, and it also doesn't mean that if I do get married that I want to be transported back to 1952. I consider myself to be fiercely independent, progressive, and perverse. I wouldn't get married if any of that was expected to change.

And I'm not a religious person, but I am a (cheese alert) spiritual person. I think there's something really powerful about declaring a dedicated partnership in front of your closest friends and family. And the last line for me would have to be "partners" or "cohorts for life" or something. Lastly, I would only trade-in my name if the other person had one that was cooler sounding, like Fantastico. Otherwise, I think keeping your own name is the best route, or if somebody's dead set on sharing, then mutual hyphens are a swell compromise. So there.

-- sarahjane (sarahjane@dellazine.com), June 05, 2000.


I've never been much on marriage or any other official union, but if a man walked up to me and said "tes pas, enfants de mon silence, saintement lentement places vers le lit de ma vigilance".. I think I would have to forgo all extraneous tests of compatibility. the rest is all decoration.

-- C (gaspard_winkler@hotmail.com), June 06, 2000.


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