Come on Sofie Greenspun Place....wellies and all :o)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Answers

How the Hell am I supposed to respond to being called Sofie?

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Mr. Southerner's dark secret was finally out in the open. The operation had been a success. "I'd like to be known as Sofie from now on" he/she boldy splurted out.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Just in case anybody avoids it like the plague on the other thread. There's no escape

In fact it wasn't a biggish shoe, it was a pair of littlish shoes which appeared to be poking from a pile of disgusting rubbish. But then the pile of rubbish moved and Yelli and Jay distinctly heard a pitiful voice whimper 'Big Issue, ladies?'. The two young ladies immediately took from their poncy satchels the correspondence they had each received that morning and compared the enclosed photographic representation with the features which were emerging from the pile of rubbish. 'It is. It is. It is he', cried Yelli, hardly able to keep from her tones, the mixed pleasure, joy, disgust and loathing. 'Jay, please go to Galaxy and ask her to lay off braying the living daylights out of Gav for a few moments' Yelli said. 'We must do something for this poor unfortunate creature, with whom we appear to be involved in some matrimonial fashion, and who appears to be at the end of it's tether'. Which turned out to be true because some evil bleeder had chained the pile of rubbish to the cathedral railings. 'How do we know it's intentions are horrible - er - honourable ' said Jay. 'I mean, a bit of rough is okay, and none of the three of us is that parky, but we are proud. I think we should initiate divorce proceedings some time within the next thirty nine years, just in case.' To which Galaxy replied in quivering tones, she being the least experienced of the three in the ways of the world 'And just what are we going to do in the meantime ?' 'He'll be safe enough over there in the cathedral wheely bin' chorussed the other two in unison. 'It'll look like he's fallen in again, so we'll be bomb proof.' And with that, the three of them left to find the local Unison office to enquire of it's legal branch if there was any way in which they could question the legality of this unwanted and unsolicited liaison.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Jay Greer's hands were red and raw as she filled a bucket with water from the pump by the green. She pushed an errant strand of hair back beneath her head-scarf as she wiped the back of her arm accross her tired face. The bitter wind blew along the front of the terraced, whipping the smoke from the chimneys down against the grey slates and over the ridge and away. She wondered what it would be like to not need to begin each day at five preparing the meals for her father and brothers before they trudged away into the drizzle, joining the procession of bowed heads and broad backs as they made their way towards the mine.

As she stood there by the pump, her face serious and eyes far away as she imagined a different life, she was unaware of eyes watching her. Gavin, younger son of Lord Herron who owned the mines, this row of terraced cottages and virtually the very lives of the whole community, was out for a morning ride on his favourite filly, 'Dawn'. He always ended up coming this way accross the estate and stood in the shadows of the copse so that he could watch Jay drawing water.

He had come this way by chance. The first time. Simply out for a jaunt, 'Dawn' had thrown a shoe, and, not wanting to risk her tender hoof on the metalled road, he had ushered her accross the fields, and there he had first seen the beatiful girl with the bucket. He always passed his time watching and imagining what it would be like to live in her world. Dirty, damp, cold and hungry, working all day to bring home almost enough to get by on, too tired to spend more than a couple of hours with that enchanting creature. He looked down at his clothes, the best that his gentleman's outfitters could provide for the country gent, and realised that they cost more than he could earn in five years in his father's mine. He felt ashamed, but still didn't know how to approach his Love.

Oblivious to his gaze, Jay shook herself free from her daydreaming, awkwardly lifted the heavy bucket, and began shuffling back to the house. She was careful not to spill any, as she had no wish to return to the pump. Still, whilst there, she was able for a few brief moments to imagine meeting a stranger. A man of substance, who could somehow free her from her perpetual drudgery and whisk her away to a place of laughter, jewels and finery...

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

..but more than anything, Jay wished she could draw more than water. Every day she sat at the same point, dipped her brush into the large bucket beside her, and painted a deep, blue pond with a gently rippled surface. She felt sure that if she could master trees, or even the odd hill, that her life would be changed for ever. The tears welled up around her wild, staring eyes as she struggled back with her oversized paint pots and canvas tucked awkwardly under one arm..

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Particularly that part of the lake where the willows grew, trailing their fronds in the water. The lillies also clustered thickly and the bullrushes leant in casting their shadow. Her eye was constantly drawn to this point. It was so dark. Almost black. Black. Black! Like the moon in a box beating us with the sticks of Doom. What's for Tea Mother, worms? The crows are pecking my eyes. Black! Black!

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

SofTie I think you need to have a word with yourself mate ! :o)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I can suggest the name of a competant Harley Street specialist if you're interested SofTie. -)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

You get back in the Wheelie bin!! ;o)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

...the dark, swirling mists of madness slowly cleared from Jay's eyes. Then she heard that voice again

'Softie, I think you need to have a word with yourself, mate!'

Slowly, she propped herself up on one elbow and tried to focus oon where the voice had come from. There, in the corner of the room, sat a young man, slumped over a mirror, his face hidden by the locks of golden hair falling over his forehead. She heard a long sniffing sound, followed by a long, deep sigh. Suddenly he shook his head back, laughed, and his deep blue eyes met hers across the unfamiliar room.

'Ah, I see you're awake then' he grinned, 'I'm Softie, I'm a man of substance'....

There was a sudden movement over the other side of the room. Out of the corner of their eyes they caught sight of the scriptwriter, exiting hurriedly, coat in hand..

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

It's sorted quite nicely now, Jay. I've even managed to hang one or two itchings. Feel free to pop in some time and see them.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I find the 1100ltr have much more room in them and a nice role top lid along with four wheels...so you could class it as a mobile home.

Trust me I had to have someone evicted from one of my plastic bottle recycling bins once! That wasn't you was it?? ;o)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

You'd have heard from my solicitors Norfolk and Chance within minutes, if it had been me. This kid doesn't mess around.

Our wedding suit cleaned up quite nicely as well by the way. Still smells a bit, mind. -)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Keen, young Marine Biologist, Jay Greer, put down her beaker of octopus urine and looked at the clock on the laboratory wall. You wouldn't know it to look at her, seated straight-backed and calm on her chair, but her head was all awhirl with a worrying development in her social life.

Whilst looking for specimens washed up on the sand at Whitley Bay, Jay had been approached by a young man. He had wordlessly watched her as she worked, and she had been intensely aware of the soft lapping of the wavelets on the shore and the crying of the gulls. His scrutiny had unsettled her so much that some of the sealable specimen bags she was carrying slipped from her hand and blew along the sand. Quick as a flash he had stooped to help her retrieve them and she had started as their hands touched. He grinned boyishly at her and then turned on heel and strolled away. She wasn't to know it, but young Gavin Herron was going to play a significant past in her life.

Unable to concentrate on her work, Jay had packed up early, and on her way up to her car had spotted the young man from the beach. He waved to her and she had automatically blushed and lowered her head. Only as she got into her car, did she notice that someone had left a dune-flower under the windscreen wiper blade. She knew who it must have been and felt her heart fluttering.

Breaking away from this train of thought, Jay remembered where she was and had to concentrate on her work. She picked up her dictaphone and spoke into it: "Note. Octopus Urine very runny; interesting bouquet but the taste leaves a lot to be desired."

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

"I'm Softie, I'm a man of substance...."

Yeah, but which 'substance' is the question on everyones lips?

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Not so much the lips, but more the nasal septum perhaps ;-))

PS I loved the 'Black, black' bit, Softie, had me in fits. It was always a good sketch, that one.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

My Missus reckons that The Fast Show is all utterly childish, but I even caught her tittering at that one. Still think that Christmas Special with Bob Fleming and his mates singing 'No, Nay, Never' with accompanying bodily afflictions is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

As Gavin Herron left his flat, he was quietly pleased with himself. Dressed for work, he knew that he would be turning heads all along the street. His smart clothing was a source of enormous pride to him and the thought of all those admiring glances brought an involuntary grin to his face, which he decided to turn into a little whistle.

Sure enough, a dog in a front garden lifted its head as he passed, it's sweep of a tail thumping on the concrete path. A little, old lady stopped purposefully pushing her trolley basket along and watched him pass. He winked at the dog and nodded to the old lady, continuing to whistle his jaunty tune and continued on up the hill. Plenty of faces turned to watch him as cars whispered past. A young Mum with push chair glanced up from negotiating her front step and grinned at him. He raised an arm in acknowledgement, cocking his head as he did so and raised his whistle to an admiring note which brought a smile.

Gavin's morning constitution and peace of mind were brought shuddering to a halt by a familiar figure he saw on the other side of the road. Long chestnut hair was tied back into a pony-tail. A high, clear forehead surmounted an oval face set in a serious expression, with downcast eyes watching her feet as she carried a pile of books. Gavin's heart was hammering and his legs felt suddenly shaky. He swallowed with a dry throat and automatically checked to see that his jacket was spotless. He stepped out into the road.

Jay Greer, teacher at the local primary school was in a world of her own. Today was going to be difficult with an Ofsted inspection scheduled for the afternoon when she would have the dubious pleasure of the company of 6b; never an easy prospect at the best of times. If the truth be told, she had had about enough of her job. She loved her little house and her cat and being able to spend hours in a foaming bubble bath while talking to her Mum on the phone, but something was missing. What she really wanted was to find a nice man and settle down to be a housewife, probably with a couple of lovely children, but she was beginning to feel that life was passing her by, and she would end up an old Spinster, smelling of chalk and permanently swaddled in sensible clothes in Autumnal shades. But where was she to find a man in her current situation?

As Jay stepped off the curb into the road, she caught the eye of the lollipop man. Gavin stood there, holding up the traffic for his secret love, hardly daring to breathe, as she seemed to notice him for the first time. A small smile twitched at the corner of her mouth. Gavin felt as if the sun had come from behind a cloud and shone down on him in his magnificent fluorescent jacket and hat. At last, his bright clothing had caught the attention of the one person whose head he had wanted to turn

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

You're really WAY too keen about trying to set me and Jay up together.....

What's in it for you?

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

As an aside, my mother's Godmother was actually a prolific Mills & Boon author, mostly under the pseudonym Sonia Deane. You've now given me a renewed interest to perhaps read some of them, especially since some of them were supposedly loosely based on my grandparents and parents...just as you're excerpts are quite obviously based on the true feelings between Jay and Gav, despite their protestations. ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

And it is obvious, isn't it Windy? All the classic indications of irritability towards one another on here, but do they walk away from each other? No, they keep posting messages at one another, oblivious to the subtle strands linking them ever more tightly together. I am merely Cupid's messenger; the truth is already in their hearts :-)

Windy, my aunt was the model for a whole series of Mills and Boon covers in her youth, and she had a portrait by the artist on her sitting room wall. A small world, but you wouldn't want to paint it.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Fuck off....the lot of you!

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Taxidermist Gavin Herron was having a bad day. As he stuffed his hand up a dead badger's arse he couldn't stop thinking about the animal rights campaigner who had sprayed him with red paint this morning. He was particulalry upset as he had met Jay Greer socially several times and had had no idea that she was a loony etc etc etc

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Well hell you have all been having so great sport while I have actually been working for a change. ;o)

So what have Gav's current occupations been to date?

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

An interesting question from a Marine Biologist/Nurse/Country Doctor/Housekeeper/Lecturer cum Dominatrix/Schoolteacher/Hunt Saboteur :-)

Gav has only managed to be a Doctor/Woodsman/Delivery boy/Country Gent/Beach-comber/Lollipopman/Taxidermist/S & M obsessed Fetishist to date, were either of you looking for a change of direction? ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

After the day I have had yes!!! ;o)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Unemployed, disgraced lecturer, Jay Greer, stared at the ceiling as she lay on the single matress on the floor of her bedroom in her soon- to-be-reposessed house. She was remembering the burly shoulders and tight-fitting jeans of County Bailiff, Gavin Herron, as he had carried her television out to the van....

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

And still no-one has tried to friggin rescue me from the dark dungeon/er cellar.

Ya know Softie I was trying to change it from a romance/fantasy novel to a horror/cum-detective story. But no, everyone had to read into it what their depraved little minds wanted to. See Jay wasn't supposed to be a dominatrix, but rather a psychopath in the 'Hannibal Lecter' role model. Sorry Jay.

Gees no-ones talking to me anymore, except for Gus, and it's his job to keep an eye on loonies.

;-)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

The rain kept up its pounding beat on the pavement. The street lights, spread at quite a distance, illuminated only small patches of the drenched sidewalk. Still it was possible to pick up movement in the doorway opposite Dr. Greers semi-detached house. MI5 opperant Gilbert Trask shifted again, trying to find a position that afforded atleast some minimal respite from the rain. Water fountained off his hat, and rivults continual found there way into his dry-as-a-bone trench coat.

Trask was far from happy at this point in time. He had been watching Dr. Greer for some 3 weeks now and had made little headway in this case. Intelligence, and he snorted at the thought of such a department possesing such a name, had reported that Dr. Greer appeared to be the common link between the seven missing college students. The disappearences had only begun at the beginning of this university year, which coincided with the arrival of Dr. Greer.

The only person to have visited Dr. Greer over the last 3 weeks was a delivery boy. He had been thoroughly checked out and discounted from the investigations. However what he was delivering was of interest to the investigation and inspector Trask. Building and house renorvation materials, quite a lot and not within keeping of the style of house Dr. Greer lived in.

Trask shifted again, disturbing a pool of water that had collected at the back of his neck as he pulled the coats collar a little higher. He cursed again as the rivulet of water made its way down his back, eventually to collect in his already soden shoes.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000