Polyamory and too many relatives

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So, how do other people in polyamorous relationships handle the multitude of in laws that come with the territory? Normally I'm an advocate of family relations, but it's just too much. My husband's Republican siblings really annoy me, my girlfriends southern babtist parents are more of a mild irritant, (kind of like a itchy rash you try to ignore) and there are enough cousins, aunts and uncles in the mix for 2 baseball teams. How do you decide who to spend time with, how much, and when? Any ideas?

-- AJ (AmyRD@quincymail.com), July 11, 2000

Answers

Good question. :-)

Short answer - 'Just say no' when you do not fit in well or don't want to do something. or as Joeseph Campbell would say: 'Follow your Bliss.'

Longer answer: Some people choose not to associate with their extended families much at all but I, being a social, extrovert-type have on occassion had this dilemma. Mostly, I relate to people in the way I enjoy them and don't get hung up on feelings of obligation for things I do not enjoy (e.g., most baby and wedding showers, sports events . . . ). I do make an effort to treat them all with respect, accept their places in my SO's lives, and find some way at least a small one to allow them into my own life even if they are not people I might pick just on my own.

I even am that way with my own immediate blood relatives. I've trained them over the years that I will be there when really needed but otherwise don't feel I have to just put in time if we don't have that in common or it requires major inconvenience just for a traditional 'obligation' sake. For example, I didn't even attend my sister's wedding because I was working on a field job living out of a canoe all summer and it would have inconvenienced my feld partner a lot to take a long weekend in the middle of prime mapping season. (I also had made my summer work plans and had informed my family of them before she set her wedding so if it had been important enough to her, she could have checked with me about how to make it work first.) I never have had too much guilt about stereotypical 'obligation' situations nor succomb much to guilt.

If it's a time or event that is significant to an SO (e.g., reunion, major life event, graduation, milestone birthdays, winning an award, etc.), then I will make an effort to participate in some way as a show of support and community, even if it is not something I might normally do.

It fits in with my overall philosophy of creating a 'family of choice' - those for whom I feel a real bond have lots of my space and time (emotional, physical, etc.). Those who don't fit as well are respected and communicated with as appropriate but not given any special effort.

There are some family that I might not have chosen alone on my own but I accept them and fit them in a bit out of the love and respect I feel for my partners and the trust I have in what my partners see in them or feel for them. Usually, at some point the ones who are really important to my partners demonstrate their worth and renew my confidence in my SO's choices. (So far it has worked almost always. In fact, not counting the one or two situations where the jury is still out, I can not think of a time where I haven't found a place for someone important to my SO.)

The one thing I do not do is avoid dealing with the situation. That tends to cause more problems than help. While I am not brutally honest, I am direct about the fact when I do not want to do something or do not enjoy it or can not make the time for it. My boundaries are clear and I give them other opportunities to find a way to mix that will work for both.

Of course the fact that most everyone knows me for the driven, workaholic, overachiever who works hard, plays hard, and rests hard helps becasue there often are already other things booked into the time slots. :-)

Good luck.

-- Tricia (triciasutton@icqmail.com), July 12, 2000.


I don't spend time with people I don't like. There's no point in wasting the limited amount of life I have on that. My SOs are free to spend time with whoever else they enjoy, whether it's friends, family, or other SOs, but I don't force unwanted people on them and I expect them not to force unwanted people on me.

-- Ann Monroe (monroe@chorus.net), July 13, 2000.

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