ONLY IN AMERICA ! Only In America... can pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only In America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only In America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only In America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke. Only In America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only In America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only In America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have Call Waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place. Only In America...do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only In America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tic meaning bloodsucking creatures. Only In America...do they have driveup ATM machines with Braille lettering. Only In America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in a White House. (With apologies to Ciara & Co - Actually most of these also fit Britain)

A man found a gorilla in his backyard, up a tree. He looked in the Yellow Pages under Gorilla Removal Service, and sure enough, there was one listing. They sent a man out, armed with nothing but a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun and a Chihuahua. Listen carefully, the man told the homeowner. Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The highly-trained Chihuahua will then go right for his crotch. As the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs. Got it, said the homeowner. But whats the shotgun for? If I fall out of the tree first, said the man Shoot the damned Chihuahua!

Who said the bible is boring.. 15 biblical ways to find a woman.. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then shes yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womans hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to, marry in the first place. Thats right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-laws enemies and get his daughter for a wife. David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and youll definitely find someone. (Its all relative, of course.) Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me. If your parents question your decision, simply say, Get her for me. Shes the one for me. Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Its not just a good idea; its the law.) Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Dont be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?...NOT! Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

A teenage boy met a new girl in a small town. She was quite friendly for a first date, so he drove about thirty miles out of town to a secluded wooded area to do what teenagers do. After some heavy petting, the girl stopped him. Theres something I must tell you. Whats that? asked the boy. Im a hooker and this is going to cost you fifty bucks. The boy didnt even hesitate, but pulled out fifty dollars. When they were done, the boy said, I, too, have a confession to make. Whats that? asked the girl. Im a cab driver and the ride back to town is gonna cost you fifty bucks!

Flying made a woman nervous, so she pulled out her Bible on the airplane to help her relax. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle. You dont really believe all that stuff in there, do you? The lady replied, Of course, I do. Its the Bible! He asked, Like that guy swallowed by a whale? Oh, you mean Jonah. Yes, I believe that. Its in the Bible. Really? How do you suppose he survived all that time inside a whale? Well, sir, I dont really know. But when I get to heaven, I think Ill ask him. The man smiled sarcastically. And what if he isnt in heaven? She smiled back, sweetly, Why, then, you can ask him yourself!

A shy guy saw a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After drinking about an hours worth of courage, he got up the nerve to approach her. Um, would you like to talk a while? he whispered. At the top of her lungs, she screamed, No, I wont sleep with you! Everyone in the bar stares at them. Naturally, the shy guy is totally embarrassed and slinks away. After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled and said, You seem like a nice guy. Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im here studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. To which he responds at the top of his lungs, $100!?

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2000