What is your favorite diary entry Gwen ever wrote? Mine is the one about ants. That one cracks me up to this day.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2000

Answers

Gwen, I can't email you from work, but I wanted to coomunicate with you on your diary entry about the PayPal (and my psychic powers are on loan to Camp David for world peace.) As long as it's a "pay if you can" not mandatory thing, why not pay people a little something if they're bustin' their ass to write for my enjoyment. I'd be glad to chuck a bit to the author periodically (I do it for Public Radio.) Especially, if it's "super, bad-ass, fresh" like your site. Those that can't afford it, I say keep reading for free. Kind of like the honor system. Anyway, that's my own opinion (which will probably get me lynched!) I'm just saying, I'd pay, not that anyone else has to. Especially, if the person has to maintain server space, like my favorite webmistress Lyn, at Cake or Death. She rocks (and has to bring her pages down each month because she goes over in hits and can't pay the extra $$ - that does not rock for her.)

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2000

I can't narrow it down to one entry, although the one where Gwen is looking for one of her kids in the park made me cry. I just like the way she words things, and says stuff that would never occur to me in a million years, and it all makes me laugh and wish I had a mind like that.

I did quite like the entry with the Sanrio tea party graphic; that was my wallpaper for a while (not to freak Gwen out or anything, but it was).

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2000

My most favorite entry is definitely the most recent, July 22, because Gwen mentions the Land of Dairy Queen. Also, I recently had my wisdom teeth out so I totally related to her new love for vicodin. After they chopped out my teeth they prescribed way more of the stuff than I actually needed for pain management, so naturally I used it recreationally for a number of weeks after. Lovely dreamy stuff, that vicodin.

-- Anonymous, July 23, 2000

My favorite diary entry was a million years ago about Gwen standing in the 7-11 (or whatever it's called over in Texas) with the baby. They were in line and the baby was eating a hotdog (I think) and Gwen was guessing what the people in line were thinking. I still think about that entry and laugh....thanks, Gwen.

I had the crown thing done. I hope you're feeling better soon (tooth action is no fun.)

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Oh, thanks, y'all. Lisa, a lot of people liked that one, I remember.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Hey Gwen, put a PayPal up to pay for that crown! It'd be a good opportunity for a really cute graphic on the button, don't ya think? *G*

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Gwen and the baby were at the donut shop, weren't they? I loved that one too. :-) And the baby wanted a hot dog. Now I have to go find where that one was. I just bookmarked a whole bunch of my favorite Gwen Entries, and we'll see how well I was paying attention to the hyperlinking lesson I had this morning. Here's the link, followed by a teaser of the entry.

16 April 99

April 11 - Sunday I just cleaned up a bunch of stuff, even though I know it'll be dirty again by tonight. Now I'm taking a break. My nose is bleeding, so I have this big wad of paper towels in my nostril. I'm making a new mix tape. It's my Let Me Clean Up This Fucking Mess tape, and it's also my Let Me Record My Fave Songs Off These CDs I Hardly Ever Listen To Coz I Only Like A Few Songs From Each One tape. It has a bunch of loud guy bands. I recorded over the partially-finished Fuck You I'm Just Gonna Listen To Chick Bands And The Dishes Can Do Themselves tape I was making last week.

Poetry, if y'all ask me. ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

dammit, that's the second time today I've screwed up with bold html. *fuss* This time, at least, I can fix it quickly. I had other entries to link to, anyway.
I loved this one...
magic child

(excerpt)

Here is something else about my five-year-old. The other day we were at the lake, getting ready to put our boat into the water, and there were these deer who were apparently totally desperate for fresh grass because they were right there in the little island of grass that's in the middle of the dock parking lot. So we see them, and my son asks, "Mom, where'd that deer come from?" And after he asked twice more, I said, "I don't know... I guess the woods." And he said, "No, he came out of the night." Another thing is that he always, always wants to know what color things are. "Mom, what color is Russell?" "Mom, what color is Russell's birthday party?" I'm starting to think that he sees auras or something. Plus, most of the time I answer, "It's beige." I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of beige things in this world. Or at least, in the greater Austin area. The last thing is that several months ago I was telling my husband that this son gets freckles in the sun. My son waiting til I was finished and then he told me, "The moon's gonna make my freckles go away." See how he is? He's magic.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

...and this one!! This is the first entry I remember reading, ever, actually. I had to write Gwen and ask her to explain confetti eggs to me. :-)
Easter 99

(big excerpt, because I so dig on it)

Sometimes I'm sad that I'm not a good Christian, coz it keeps me from getting new dresses each Easter. At least I still get to eat the candy, though. Whoever invented those nasty, pastel-colored, individually-wrapped, rabbit-shaped, sticky, chewy things should be taken out and beaten with a stick. No one likes those. No one eats them. Kids find those during the egg hunt, and they leave them on the ground and step on them.
Marshmallow Peeps should be individually wrapped, though. Coz otherwise I have to wrap each one in generic cling wrap before putting them into the plastic eggs.
How nappy are plastic eggs? Even though I use them every year, I'm still gonna rank on them a little. Didn't the Easter egg start out as a symbol of fertility? Or something? What does an easy-open plastic egg represent? The miracle of fertility drugs? When I was a kid, we dyed hard-boiled eggs, hid them, hunted for them, and ate them for days on end after that. Food poisoning be damned! My mother-in-law makes confetti eggs. (Excuse me -- cascarones. That's the special name.) I think that's a good idea. That way no food is wasted and the soil gets extra calcium and phosphorous. One year she tried using birdseed instead of confetti, coz the party was at her daughter's and her daughter didn't want the yard ruined with tacky confetti. So the kids popped each other in the heads with heavy birdseed eggs and fist fights broke out and everyone had black eyes and everything. So that was fun.
For a while I was doing the confetti eggs, but this year I'm not going to. Why? Because my mother-in-law already has about three zillion of them. She saves the shells year-round. She has relatives in Houston who save shells for her year-round. She buys confetti in five-pound bags. It's her thing. The whole thing is her big production to slave and martyr herself over. So forget it. I'm not gonna show up with my paltry five dozen eggs and listen to her say, "YOU made eggs, too? I didn't think YOU were gonna make any. You didn't need to. I bought twenty-seven dozens." Like, what. ev. er. It's enough that she's gonna have to say, "YOU made potato salad? I didn't think YOU were gonna bring potato salad. Well, I know that I told you to bring it, but I just didn't think you WOULD. I made two bowls of it, just in case."
CALGONTAKEMEAWAY!!!

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

and this one too! I loved this one. *howl*
just a month ago

(excerpt)

A little while ago we were all cleaning the house because my friend Dot and her husband are coming over here tomorrow night. So we were cleaning, and I was wearing a white t-shirt with hot cocoa stains down the front and... um... my underwear. And that's it. But hey, it's my house, right? I can wear what I want.

Or so I thought. I'm walking through the living room, returning tiny Lego men to their rightful place, and I see A STRANGE WOMAN STANDING IN MY DOORWAY. "Gasp!" I said. She goes, "Sorry!"

(I love that! "'Gasp!' I said." *snicker*)

I ran to the bedroom and threw on my shorts. Paul was there. "What? What?" he said. "There's a woman in our living room!" I yelled. "She saw me in my underwear!"

My god, that's funny.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Magic Boy was a good one, yup yup. I also very much enjoyed the recent special guest contributor, the female cat. I'm a sucker for cats. But there are so many starving feral animals out there running around getting hit by cars or crushed in dumpsters or worse. Don't y'all think Gwen should spay/neuter her cats? Now, Gwen, I know you must still be suffering form your bad toof and have lots of other things to think about. I hope you can forgive me this lecture. It's just that stray cats break my heart.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Klee, those are my favorites too! (I have a crap memory, so I had forgotten a lot of them.)The Magic Boy one is making me tear up here at work. Isn't it weird and wonderful how sweetness and humor can be so closely linked? I love that. Thanks for posting the entries.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

ah Jill-grasshoppah, please to read: 4th of January

I know our cat's pregnant again. I guess I'm supposed to feel guilty, but I really can't. She's not even really our cat. She's her own cat. Everyone says that you should take all your pets to the vet and have them spayed or neutered. How do you know an animal's your pet, though? Most of the cats I get, I get for free. They just show up. They hang around and meow. What am I supposed to do? NOT feed them? Of course I feed them scraps of turkey from the kids' abandoned turkey sandwiches. I give them the bits of egg I scrape off the pan. Then I run out of scraps and I buy them generic cat food or cat food for which I have a coupon. Then I notice them getting fatter. Then kittens magically appear in various spots on our land. What am I supposed to do? You can't just snatch mere aquaintances and haul them to the vet and have their genitals altered. I know because I can't even pick these cats up and hold them tight. They won't stand for it. I don't really blame them, either. I feed them, and they let me pet them. Or sometimes they just decorate my porch instead. Or they follow me to the mailbox. But that's it. They never asked me to take them into my house and give them collars and names and medical procedures. Even if I were to lure one into my house, it wouldn't last long. My husband would complain and complain until I had to flog him with a water hose. So what am I supposed to do? People say things about people like me. They say we should trap the cats and get them spayed or neutered. Who, me? Shit, my kids are overdue for their shots. I need to go to the dentist. I haven't even had my hair cut in months. Please.

"Well, you shouldn't be feeding strays, then," these people say. How can I not feed them, though? They ask politely. They don't steal from my yard like some motherfuckers I could mention. And they're so cute. And they're gonna be run over or killed by the Humane Society pretty soon, anyway. Why should I add to the hardship before then?

Maybe I'm just evil, stupid, cruel, and irresponsible. I guess I should try to be a little ashamed.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I also like this one and this one and this one (etc):

be sure to lookit the pic at the bottom ;-)

24th April

25th April

11th Jan

11th Feb

22nd May

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Aw, Kelly! That's so sweet that you've read so many!

Jill, it's funny that you like the cat one coz after I wrote it, I told a friend, "This will be the most controversial one I've ever done." Coz people let me get away with blasphemy and peevishness, but never with my un-spayed cats.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Hey Laura S.! Laura F. here! (aren't you glad we've decided to invidualize ourselves with our initials?) Thanks for the inspiration here...I've been meaning to re-read old diary entries for a while and this was the nudge I needed.

My alltime favorite has to be Oct. 4, 1998 titled "Grease" because Gwen dedicated it to me for nagging her about her lack of entries...and I was so excited! Fame! Fortune! Mine, all mine!

Okay, really..."Loud Talkin'" from 5/7/98 was the first entry that made me totally lose it. I was working at this place I HATED and reading on the sly, so trying not to laugh out loud. I went through various stages of convulsions, snorting through my nose and gasping, trying to keep the giggles in...I developed a steady, high-pitched whine, like "neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and covered my nose & mouth and held on to the edge of the desk and then exploded with this very loud and clearly enunciated HAAAA HAAAAA! and that opened the flood gates, and I sat with tears coming out of my eyes, still trying to be quiet but now obviously wheezing a silent, constant, tortured, shuddering giggle. It was the best I had felt in months.

Close runners-up are "Possessed by a Tiny Demon" from 6/8/99 (the baby and mom at convenience store for milk & donuts story); "If I Had A Mall" from April 1, 1999, and finally, "Zoloft Pie" from 11/21/99 (especially rich in the re-read today because I am HIGHLY irritated at my husband's lame-ass, stupid, shithead family...ahem).

*sniff* Thanks for the laughs, Gwen! *sniff, sniff!*

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Gwennie, I've read all your entries. Did you not know that? Except I noticed just now that a bunch of the 1999 ones aren't surfable (I got 'page doesn't exist' errors). If you need to know which ones, lemme know.

Laura F. (this reminds me of Ramona The Pest, how she insisted on being 'Ramona Q.' in Miss Binney's kindergarten class :-) ), thank you thank you for posting the date and title of the hot dogs and donuts entry! I think it's my fave, I just enjoyed it again as much as I did the first time I read it. It's so simple, low-key, but funny as hell, and SO honest and descriptive. Love it. "Possessed by a Tiny Demon" (6/8/99)...beautiful. It's a perfect example of why I latched onto your site, Gwen-- you're real, you're intelligent, you're funny, you're modest. You're just cool. ("Now I'm farklempt-- tawk amongst yourselves-- I'll give you a topic-- 'your favorite diary entry'-- discuss.")

On an unrelated note, someone told me last night that it's bad bad bad to underline things in html. I said, But it's casual forums! Doesn't matter, I was told. You should never underline stuff. Is that true? Somehow, I think y'all'd've told me if I was egregiously trampling Proper Html Netiquette. (wouldn'tcha?)

ps-- wow, "y'all'd've"! impressive use of apostrophes or what? ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I believe that HTML pedants don't like underlines because that is the standard for indicating links.

Screw the HTML pedants. I use underlines whenever I want to (EXCEPT on any webpages that I am paid to create).

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

I love the entries that are written in first person from another's perspective, like the cat-in-heat entry not too long ago. The very best was the tribute to your uncle a year or so back. It was seamless and lucid and I was completely blown away by it.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2000

I've avoided answering this question thus far because I always thought it impossible to name one favorite Gwen gem. I still think it's impossible. For me, Gwen's diary is perhaps the most brilliant writing on the web, simply astonishing. But I've always been struck by the whole of it and not so much pieces. However, here are three examples of why I became a Gwenophile.

September 24, 1999

(This one was long, but it really shows her wit. - Paul W.) I decided to get a crappy part-time job. I applied at KraftWerld. I should find out today or tomorrow whether I have the job or not. I think it's basically in the bag. I mean, all they did was talk to me for a sec and then make me fill out this test form. I filled the circles darkly and completely, yet without going outside the lines. I think I'm gonna get the job. All the test questions were about me, so it was pretty easy to answer them. I was simply honest. Like, on the question that said: "Most people get high at work from time to time" I filled in the circle for DEFINITELY AGREE. Because I figure they must, right? Some of those people, if not all of them, must be on crack or maybe like some hardcore sinus medication. But I figured that was a good answer because it'll let the manager know that I'm observant.

There was another one that said: "It doesn't matter how I feel about a customer as long as I keep a smile on my face." I filled in DEFINITELY DISAGREE. Everyone knows that true customer service only works when you love the customer from within. I went ahead and put a little smiley face next to that test question to make my point, conveying, through use of literal metaphor, the meta-statement that a vapid contortion of the cheeks does not a mental connection make.

So I think I have it in the bag. I'm just gonna work til xmas. I told the lady that and she didn't seem to mind. I think it will be fun. My goals are to have fun, to keep my work area tidy, to bring joy and compassion to fellow crafters around me, and to pay off my Spiegel bill.

December 28, 1999

(This is short, but it illustrates that beautiful balance of poignancy and humor that Gwen has. - Paul W.) A psychic told my mother than when she turned twenty-eight, she'd either die or go crazy. The psychic was right. Yesterday was my twenty-eighth birthday, but so far I haven't made any plans.

May 29, 2000

(Finally, this excerpt is just the end of a lengthy story about Gwen helping some people in a store who obviously needed some assistance. It was profoundly moving to me. - Paul W.) This story doesn't really have a point. I guess I just wanted to say that people who can't read but who work in a country where not everyone speaks their language, and who save their pennies patiently, and who work hard to learn other languages and who refrain from snickering at other people's shitty Spanish, and who are polite, are AT LEAST as beautiful as anyone else in the grocery store.

These samples don't really do her justice, but I hope they convey why I love Gwen. She is so rare and so true.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I love Gwen.

So do the rest of you, or you wouldn't be here, right?

But has The Power of Gwen given you the ability to pass an English Comp class devoted to humor with an A?

I had to write about how different people use humor, and most people in the class were using Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence movies for their resource. The first person who popped in my mind was Gwen, because she always makes me laugh. So I wrote about her (and Pamie, because she's funny too) in a research paper entitled:

Dear Diary:
The Humor Within Online Journals Written By Generation X Women

Gwendolyn Zepeda Effinger is the author of "Gwen's Petty, Judgmental, Evil Thoughts", a self-proclaimed trailer-trash housewife from the outskirts of Austin, Texas who writes on a semi-daily basis about her self-esteem, her spending habits, her run-ins with Jehovah's Witnesses, and her ever-changing obsessions, which can range from Hello Kitty merchandise to tending the most beautiful garden one possibly can while living in a double-wide trailer. Her humor is biting, sarcastic and self-deprecating; she exposes her flaws to her readers at will, in a sense putting herself down before anyone else can: "They'll be like, 'Oh, yeah, Gwen? Yeah, she's alright. She fucking talks too much and she's fat, and she loves money, but besides that, she's cool. When she's not being a know-it-all bitch.'" It is a self-defense mechanism that works well for her, it seems. She is an equal-opportunist when it comes to criticism, something she prides herself on:

But when it comes to these loud show-off fuckers at the gym, I can't help but feel uncomfortable. I mean, I'll be sitting there on the leg-exercise thingie, doing my stuff, and I hear "HA HA HA HA!" I turn around casually, but they're not looking at me. They're talking about nutrition bars or something. I get off the machine and go to another one. I can't help but notice, via the mirror, that they've walked over to the machine I was on and reset the weights to a hundred pounds heavier than I am. "HA HA HA!" Later, as I'm watching these same people watch a very fat woman and I'm hearing them go "HA HA HA" I have to wonder. Are they possibly here for a purpose other than working out?

The other ones who bug me are the loud complainers. Like, there are these two chicks who show up every once in a while wearing biking shorts with thong leotards on top. I don't know if they're girlfriends or twins or what, but their outfits usually coordinate with one another's. (Each other's. Whatever) So these chicks love to come to World Gym and walk around and talk about how lame everything is.

"Oh my God, this is TERRIBLE."

"Oh, I know! It doesn't even let you do more than two hundred."

"God. This is unbelievable."

Effinger's readers are mostly women who "have gone through a bunch of difficult crap in their life and they appreciate knowing that they aren't the only ones. Some of them have boring jobs and a need to snicker at their desks. Some refuse to believe that I live in a trailer in BFE instead of some big city. Some of them live in trailers in BFE." Her sense of style and humor is appreciated by John Morreall's thought that "Humor is valuable in giving us distance and perspective not only in situations where we are failing; but also in situations where we are succeeding." In her writings of the difficulties she endures each day regarding her weight or socio-economic status, she invites her readers to laugh along with her own frustrations as she works towards losing weight and earning a better living. Effinger's domestic humor also has a large connection between her readers, for as Nancy Walker has said, "Domestic humor has provided a way for both writer and audience to minimize through laughter and, thereby, better cope with the frustrations and demands of their lives."

And there you have it. Go forth and read Gwen and laugh so that you may better cope.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Y'all are SO. FUCKING. SWEET.

I literally almost cried when I saw your posts. Thank you.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I like them all because they are funny. But if I must choose, then it would be the entries that I'm mentioned in cuz I got all giddy inside when I saw my name!

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Gwen don't you ever dare throw in the towel! I totally rely on your site to keep me entertained and connected with other feisty (but thoughtful) bitch goddesses like myself!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

hey there Gwen, I have read your site several time but every time you move it I have a hell of a time finding it again, please don't stop you writing on this site it just is a kick in the pants. I have 4 kids and am a sahm and love to hear how you describe your day because soo often I relate. Windy

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Gwen, you know we're not that sweet at all. Just honest. We can't help it if your writing wins over even our cold hearts.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I was trying to describe to a friend why I loved Gwen's diary so much and I think what it comes down to is not only is she so damn clever and funny and poignant, but she says things that I thought I was the only one who thought like that except she says it so much better (did that just make sense?).

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I can't remember what holiday it was from, but I'd have to say that my favorite entry is the one where Gwen (before medication) frets about what side dish to bring to her in-laws, then Gwen (after medication) decides to bring whatever because nobody will eat it anyway and she'll end up bringing it home. That is an exerpt from my own life. And that brings me to why I've always admired Gwen. She makes it OK to not be perfect, instead emphasizing to be true to yourself and keep your sense of humor as you deal with marriage, kids, housecleaning, etc.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

word, scrnwrt!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Also, I liked the entry where Gwen used the analogy of making fajitas and standing in the kitchen talking and then other people walk in and...oh, you know the one I'm talking about; Gwen gives good analogy.

-- Anonymous, August 12, 2000

Thank y'all again! Sniff, sniff!

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Here's what I liked about today's entry:

August 17th

I had lots of time to muse as I rolled the tiny bits of pink pulp between my teeth. I thought about the way things used to be, the way things were, and the way things would go in the future. I remembered how it felt to have to walk all the time. I thanked God I had a car. When I hit the shade, I walked even more slowly and remembered to give thanks for little stuff, too. I admired the neighborhood and felt homesick for parts of Houston that no longer existed.

Isn't that cool? I re-read it a few times. I can't wait for Part Two of today's entry!

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Ya'll, I just finished reading the 5 entries about Gwen's adventure, and I gotta tell you, I'm crying my eyes out. My new favorite entry is definately number 5, I can't explain why, but if you've read it, i bet you understand.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000

Jeez Louise, Gwen, are you trying to kill me? I'm at work and you're making me cry and cry. They think I'm crazy enough without me crying at my desk. So this is my new favorite entry. In a sick way. What a brave little soldier you are, though. In lots of ways. :)

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000

Y'all... golly. I didn't think it would be so emotional. Thanks, though.

I bet all half readers finish that one and go, "What, she doesn't know how to change her own tire? Loser!"

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000

Gwen, even if you did know how to change a tire, it can be hard to do by yourself. It takes a lot of strength.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000

boo hoo! Gwen, you made me all misty, too. You poor determined thing. I don't know how to change a tire either. I think if I had been in your shoes I'd have just given up, let the husband come rescue me. Good show, sisterfriend.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000

Gwen, I really liked your most recent diary entry, "Ode to a Crustacean" but is that the ironing board in the background of your pics?

Word! I just got a $100 little digital camera that is portable and takes web cam shots/little movies. woohoo (cheap!) so now I'll get all that nonsense I've been writing about documented for you Gwen. :)

-- Anonymous, August 28, 2000

Thanks! Yeah, it is an ironing board. See, I'm in my new office-slash-sewing room, and I keep the ironing board near my machine. Later I'll take pictures of the whole room for everyone to see how nice Paul made it for me. I took a few on the webcam, but its scope is very limited.

-- Anonymous, August 28, 2000

Well you rock on Gwen, cause Hemmingway had his office in his ironing room too!

-- Anonymous, August 28, 2000

Love the wallpaper in today's entry. And thanks for sharing Cathy with me...all I can say is about that is "AAK!"

-- Anonymous, August 31, 2000

Cute retro pix. My Mom has a sweater just like the one in the Unger pic! Looking forward to your racy comix!

-- Anonymous, September 01, 2000

Wow! What a huge new mega-entry! I love all the vivid photos, too. I liked this bit:

I guess those stories aren't very funny or meaningful if you didn't know us or how poor we were. I guess we were really vain about our hair, too.

Gwen, you rule.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

Fun entry today, Gwen. Can't wait to hear more about Zonky!

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

Aw, thanks, y'all. I worried it'd put people to sleep. (Well, that's not to say that it didn't, actually...)

I told Zonky I'd tape him next time so I could transcribe the tapes. I could tell the Gianni Versace story, but it really loses flavor without his speaking style.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

Gwen I really like your 9/20 mega entry. The part about not believing Zonky and then seeing all the things be true, really makes me go "wow"...it makes me think about my little sister, and giving her more props. I think I've thought the same things before, and it makes me sad. Thanks (I do NOT mean that sarcastically.)

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

Am I the only one who thinks Zonky's a hottie?

I think I'll shut up now before Gwen hits me.

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2000

You're not the only one. I've heard it before. I can't really see it, because he's my brother. But I know other people think he's hot, and it's cool with me.

His wife, on the other hand, probably doesn't appreciate it as much.

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2000

Damn. They're always already married, it seems.

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2000

It's funny, Zonky looked like a kid in the neighborhood pics, but very grown up next to Ms. Seymour. Before I saw the latter photo I would have thought he was about 14!

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2000

Clothes do make the man, I guess.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

Okay, and I shouldn't say this about my own brother in a public forum, but...

it's the nipples. He has young nipples.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

shit! did you see Smack the Pony last night on Bravo, where the lady yells out in her office "who stole my nipples?!" haaaaaaaaa! Sorry, Gwen. Off post.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

BWA HA HA!!!!

"He has young nipples" has to be the funniest thing I've read all week. Damn.

*snicker, snicker*

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

I was trying to explain to a friend the difference Effexor has made- I said before Effexor, I'd walk down the street thinking "God, everyone is staring at me. They all hate me. They think my hair looks bad, and I'm too fat. I never should've worn these pants...." and after Effexor, I'd walk down the street thinking, "Wow, it's a nice day. Check out that cute dog. Oh, those German tourists look lost, I'll go help them find Fenway Park." She didn't quite get it, and I said aw, screw it, go read Gwen's Zoloft Pie. And then she got it.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 2000

Effexor rules! So does Gwen's entry for Sept 30. Very thoughtful and evocative, I found it both giddy and morose. It was just what I needed today.

-- Anonymous, October 01, 2000

Woo! Another diary mention!

Fess up, Gwen. I know you own the FMS. I saw you wearing them last May.

I love J. Jill's clothes too. Even when they're on sale, they are still expensive.

-- Anonymous, October 05, 2000

Speaking of the Fashion Bug, did you see Jean's column on the Fashion Bug in the Onion? I laughed and laughed and laughed.

-- Anonymous, October 05, 2000

I went to see it. I was on her wavelength this week. I even talked about the warm-climate version of the sweatsuit uniform.

I swear I didn't copy my entry from The Onion, y'all.

-- Anonymous, October 06, 2000

No, I'm not Jean Teasdale, either. Yes, we have things in common. No, I'm not her. Please quit asking. It's making me feel bad. I threw one of my Precious Moments figurines at the wall and it got all broken and stuff.

-- Anonymous, October 09, 2000

"I'm starting to consider taking a mini hiatus from this journal"

Don't do it!

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

Awww Gwen! You look so cute! Magic Boy looks just like Paul.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

I, for one, really enjoy a good photo-based entry every now and then. This one was especially nice, as we get glimpses into Gwen's misty past. :-)

And Gwen, please - no hiatuses (hiatii?). I mean, it's a drag if it's annoying or boring sometimes for you, but you always produce these jewels. Like the new entry, you can call it "cheap" if you want, but to me it's yet another home run. (Oh, and I forgot to tell you I thought the "housewife bed" entry was great, too.)

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

You're not Jean, Gwen. Much as I enjoy Jean, her threatening a hiatus wouldn't bug me that much. But you have too many loyal fans to disappoint like that, right?

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

Bleh. Y'all are right. Hiatuses/hiati are lame, aren't they?

I bet I'll feel fresh and new after we get back from Toronto.

Thanks.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

Wow, GWen! You looked truly BEAUTIFUL, really you did. I loved your hair in the wedding picture! You're right, they did a fab job. Very elegant and cute, all at the same time.

And pfft on your MIL about the maternity dress, you looked adorable in it.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

Oh, thanks. Those pictures are a million years old, though. I'd give several nickels to look that way again.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2000

I love the latest entry, about the leaves, it was beautiful, especially since lately all I can talk about is how pretty the trees are this time of year. Gwen, could you please tell me how exactly you ironed those leaves, with the crayon shavings and all? Thank you!!!

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000

Sure. Cover your ironing board with something protective, like brown paper or an old pillowcase -- anything. Lay one sheet of wax paper on it. Arrange your leaves and crayon shavings on it. I guess you could use other flat objects, too. I was thinking of feathers and bits of construction paper. For the crayons, you just scrape off a bit of the wax with a knife, scissors, or your thumbnail. You don't need a lot of it -- it melts and spreads easily.

When you've finished your composition, cover it with another piece of waxed paper. Then just iron over it. At first we were putting regular paper between the waxed paper and the iron, but it wasn't necessary. The iron doesn't get nasty or anything. You can just wipe it off on regular paper or cloth when you're done.

The waxed paper we used became semi-sheer -- not completely sheer, so I found that darkly-colored leaves and bright crayons worked best.

Y'all might also want to go to www.yougrowgirl.com and read their craft forum to see what everyone over there has to say about it. That's where I got the idea in the first place.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000

"Oh, and I hear the voice of Judith Martin, too. I hear it on the radio waves that come into my mind. I have to wear a metal Viking helmet when I'm masturbating, coz I don't want Miss Manners to see what I'm thinking then and know that I'm a bad girl."

This is why I keep coming back.

-- Anonymous, October 24, 2000

Thanks Gwen! I took a sick day today and in the afternoon I got bored, so I tried it out, what a great project! :)

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000

Gwen, I just read November 20ths, diary entry. I'm glad you're getting all metaphysical again. :>

-- Anonymous, November 21, 2000

Hey, thanks, y'all!

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

Has anyone else been unable to reload Gwentown? I keep getting the same old Nov. 25th page over and over again.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

That is because she hasn't updated her site since then.

She has been a busy woman, lately.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

So what's she doin'? Gwen, are you in George Dubya's cabinet? woo hoo!

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Gwen's on a super secret mission and if she told us what it was, she'd have to kill us.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

rilly????? is she a speye?? gwenith wat a kewl job?!1!! does it pay good?

-- Anonymous, December 14, 2000

Woo-hoo Gwen! I figured I'd give you a month before I got really worried why you weren't around anymore. Wow, though, I never expected this! Your own apartment and your own 40+ hours-per-week job! I can't wait to read the stories and I'm so glad you're back! :-)

-- Anonymous, December 18, 2000

"Look at that crap!" I said to Randy. (I'm trying to quit cursing so much.) I pointed to a framed monstrosity -- an image that disrespected Native Americans everywhere. Foreground to background, it contained a shirtless, blue-face-painted man with feathers on his head, his arms around an "Indian maiden", the tips of whose hair hid the nipples on an anachronistic pair of breast implants. The woman smiled coyly, seeming to demure, "Look at these, Great White Warrior - - the honey moons I shyly offer for display in your den or mobile home."

Oh holy shit. I laughed until I cried.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Thanks. I was secretly pretty proud of that line.

-- Anonymous, November 07, 2001