If you have ever owned an old car, van whatever, and it had some really funny, peculiar "feature" that freaked other people out, but you had gotten used to it, what was it?

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Answers

We have 3 old vehicles from the '80's, but the best one is the 1984 Dodge Ram cargo van "Vanny". She was grey, with a big primer stripe down the side, now she's white. The name plates had fallen off one day, and had left a rubber glue squiggle on the side of the van and a friend thought it had been vandalized with Arabic writing! ha! Now it has oh-so-pretty torn sheet curtains behind the seats, to hold in some of the A/C. Those blowin' in the wind with the windows down and 3 Dog Night on top volume, always freaks out the "professional" folks at the light.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

The car I drove in college didn't need any keys. The ignition key broke off in the ignition so all you had to do was turn the little knob. I also had locked myself out of the car so many times and jimmied the lock that if I locked myself out again that I completely wore away any grooves in the keyhole. I could just borrow *any* key and unlock the door. It was actually pretty convenient.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

In high school I drove a Scout that we had originally acquired when I was 5. At that time I had just seen an episode of Tom and Jerry where Jerry's Grandpapppy Mumbleweed came to visit, so I somehow convinced my dad to name the truck Mumbleweed and he had the name painted on the doors. It had an air horn that you pulled a chain to use, and the horn on the steering wheel played a little song. By the time I started driving it, it would backfire after you turned it off. But man, did the heat work well. The inside would be toasty warm in about two minutes after starting it up in the morning. My dad had also put an extra large gas tank on it because the gas gage was always off, and the speedometer didn't really work (it always said the tank was half full, and if you were driving around 40 mph the speedometer said you were going 75). At first I was so embarassed to drive Mumbleweed, but after the first week of driving it to school it became a legend.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I thought you were asking for stuff like "really big cheesy tail fins" or "a push button transmission". :)

The first car I remember riding in was my dad's old blue Comet. I *think* it was a '64, but I'm no expert. The seats were hard vinyl with embedded metal strips in them. Savannah gets up to 120oF in the summer. The Blue Goose would fry your ass faster than lightning. When in shorts, I learned to sit on my tailbone on the only cool part of the seat, which would be the edge, and more than once we hit a bump and I fell into the floor well, getting my backbone scraped by the broilingly hot seat on the way down and being in an undignified position to boot. This was before fastened seat belts were an automatic habit, obviously.

Even though I still live in a hot part of the country, I'd kinda like a Comet one day. Just for nostalgia. They've got the big glass cockpit look, the retro font on all the gauges and mini-fins on their asses. They are darn cool. Completely impractical, but cool.

My grandfather had a Chevy Nova (actually, it DID go, but barely) that was a vile shade we called "baby doo green". Some firetrucks use it now. It's a violently ugly chartreuse. It's very visible and quite unappealling. My brother got the Nova and painted it white as soon as he could afford to do so.

My first car was a Geo Metro convertible that was mostly quirk-free. Well, the light/wiper/etc. buttons would fling themselves out of the dash without warning, but other than that...

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I forgot the old Mustang I had with the rotted out floor boards. On the highway one day, a stray pair of hedge clippers jacknifed themselves through the floor board while I was driving. I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack when that happened.

And the red pinto we had when I was a kid. Red with black interior. So you could fry at the same time you were mashed in the nonexistant back seat.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I had a '62 Mercury Comet Station Wagon that was an interesting vehicle, when it worked. The shift handle had fallen off, and was replaced by a sawed-off toilet plunger handle (which led to the name of "Plungermobile."). The gear indicator had also fallen off and was re-puttied on at an incorrect angle, so putting it in the correct gear was a touchy-feely experience. The ignition cylinder came out if you pulled the key too hard, but on the upside, if you lost your keys or some ignorant bitch picked up your purse by accident at a party, you could drive home using a screwdriver. The dash was recovered in shag carpeting to provide a semi-solid surface, and ready fuel for the little in-dash fires that sometimes occurred.

The rear curved side window shattered one cold day and was replaced with a piece of plexiglass that we melted with an iron to make the curve. And duct-tape to hold it in place. I had to regularly replace the old knee-his that acted as a filter in the fuel line. And, when the battery support post broke, my dad strapped it in place with a leather belt. A belt like you hold pants up with, not a car- type belt.

When the gas tank rusted through completely, my dad replaced it with a smaller tank from a junk yard Pinto. And secured it with coat hangers. Imagine my surprise two weeks later when my gas tank fell off in the middle of the road. Fortunately, it happened right in front of a fire station and a liquor store. The only place to break down if your gas tank falls off. I paid a real mechanic to fix it, and on the way home from picking it up, the right front wheel fell off, and I had to stop by crashing into someone's lawn. That, too, was repairable however, and I drove that car for another two years, putting in a can of stop-leak in the radiator every time I bought gas. I bought gas compulsively, as the gas gauge didn't work either. Finally, I sold it to four guys who clubbed together to buy it for $150. They paid me the last $30 in quarters.

This is all absolutely true. I couldn't make this stuff up. I got really furious at a cop one time, when he pulled me over for running a red light in rush-hour traffic, and my car immediately overheated. Bastard. Only two more red lights to run and I'd have been home-free.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Ha! Old messed-up cars crack me up.

My first car was a robin's egg blue Honda CVCC (precursor to Civic) -- 1980, I think. I got it for $800 from a guy who'd painted it with a brush. The fan (I don't know the proper name -- the fan that cools the motor) didn't come on by itself when you started the engine, so Paul, who was my boyfriend at the time, rigged a little switch on the dash for me. I'd always have to remember to flip the little silver switch when I drove. And the car had a choke. I'm not sure how common that was then. And it shot flames when it backfired, until Paul fixed it. I liked the flames coz they taught tailgaters a lesson. Paul said the car could explode, though, so I let him repair it.

Every time I drove the car to Houston and back, Paul's dad (a retired mechanic) would laugh in disbelief. Eventually I got a better car and sold the Robin's Egg Blue Honda (REBH, as he called it) to my dad for $200. My dad drove it all the way to Mexico and then most of the way back. It died two blocks from his house, never to start again. That still cracks up Paul's dad when he hears it.

That was a good little car, though.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

I'm sitting here waiting for the ambulance to pick me up from work, so I can get some treatment for the stroke I just had laughing at Mary Ellen's story!

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

God Mary Ellen that was so funny, but I bet no so at the time. The first car I remember was my parent's 50's something black box. It had a push button transmission and some kind of dial that changed color. My first car was a bright orange Superbeetle, Sunkist. My brother wreaked it. He wasn't hurt, but I could of killed him. This is a timely thread because the strangest car I have ever seen I saw a couple of days ago. It was a big pimp mobile painted gold. I was staring in disbelief, but I think it had about 20 gold-colored swords sticking straight up off the hood, roof and trunk.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

word, Mary Ellen, you write the funniest posts! :-)

My first car, in high school, was a Mercury Bobcat, which is the equivalent of a Ford Pinto (the Mercury line of cars are supposedly slightly upscale versions of Fords; Mercury is a subdivision of Ford). It was in beautiful condition and ran fine. What makes it notable is that it was BRIGHT ORANGE. Like "m&m orange". And it wasn't only the exterior. Inside, the roof was orange, the seats were all orange vinyl, the visors were orange, and yup, even the seat belts were orange. The carpeting and dashboard were the only non-orange interior features (they were black). Even the outside gas cap was orange. When I decided to get personalised license plates, I considered getting BRITE 1, but ended up with KELYBEL. The plates didn't matter anyway-- anyone and everyone could recognise my car, even from great distances. ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2000

Oh my God, Klee, I swear I am not making this up. We used to have a bobcat, too. I actually still have a key to it on my ring. It was that yucky light fluorescent green Milla described so well. My grandparents drove it for 15 years and then gave it to us when I was 15 or 16 and it was supposed to be my car. I was horrified so I refused to learn to drive a stick so I wouldn't have to drive the ugly thing. (I know, I know, what an ungrateful brat!) My mom would drive it to auctions and use it to cart back her goods and eventually my brother drove it when he came of age. He finally totaled it. If he hadn't I'm sure the thing would still be running.

Mary Ellen, thanks for the laugh!

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

I had a '85 Mustang LX for a first car and boy, was it excitement on wheels. It went through a quart of oil a week...it wasn't leaking, it just really liked to drink oil. Then it started this thing where if you were going really slow, like below 20 MPH, it would just shut off. No warning or anything, it just turned itself off. It wouldn't do that every time, maybe once a week at random. That went on for about 6 months, then it never did it again. Right after that, it would 35 MPH by itself. And when I say 'by itself', I mean, you turn the key and the car takes off...no pressing of the gas pedal needed...just off you go. Driving around town was an adventure. I would peel out everywhere because I couldn't help it. I would be sitting at a stop light, for instance, standing on the brake with the engine reving up at around 5000 RPMS, looking around with everybody else trying to figure out whose car is making all that noise. The light turns green, I take my foot off of the brake and "SQUEEEEEL". My friends loved it because it made me seem like a bad-ass drag racer at every stop sign and red light.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Oh, I'm laughing so hard!

My first car was The Putt. Primer grey Datsun B-210. Sounded like it had a lawnmower engine... hence, the name. I've heard small airplanes that were quieter than this car. Seats were a mess, so you sat on springs... covered ever-so-slightly by seat covers. You could start it with any of the following (and I did, too): any key, a screwdriver, a pair of scissors, a pencil, a nail file.... The floorboards were all rusted through, so you could watch the road under your feet... just don't drop anything, 'cos baby, it's gone. DumbAss actually refused to ride in it because 1) he was too penis- centric, and his fancy black sportscar was better, and 2) he was convinced my car "wasn't safe." Which, as my Gramma said, was pretty telling in that he was perfectly willing -- expectant, in fact -- for me to always drive over to his house in it so he didn't have to come pick me up, and for me to drive home in it at 2 am.

My mom, for a time, drove The Gumbymobile. It was that aforementioned shade of green. It's special feature was the horn... two wires on the steering wheel that you tapped together.

My uncle drove George for about 15 years. I don't remember what year George was, but he was a pre-1960s pickup truck. George's odometer had turned over twice. We used to come up with ideas for what to do with George once he finally died... put a waterbed in its truck bed and park him in the master bedroom... plant flowers in him and make him the garden centerpiece.... I think George ended up in the local scrap heap, though....

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

I forgot to mention the Death of The Putt... in rush-hour freeway traffic, with me in my Domino's Pizza uniform. "Hey, is the pizza gonna be late?!" "Why don't you buy a new car!" "Move it! You're in my way!" (Because I was broken down on purpose, huh?) "Oh, NICE wheels, baby! You better get a better-paying job, huh?"

The police finally had to come and push the stupid thing to the side of the road. Poor The Putt....

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Jill, did your Bobcat have the "baby doo green "total!" look, like Kel's orange one? Because I can't imagine chartreuse vinyl seats and belts. Yikes!

The Nova was black inside, so it was the Enemy of Comfort. You'd get in during the summer and lose five pounds of water weight within a few seconds.

My Hoopty Du Jour, Red Sonja, was probably a pretty stylin' ride in its day, which was 1993. But it has no cupholders--what brainiac decided THAT was a good idea? Let's let the car owners fling hot and cold beverages around at random. It's fun! Such interesting designs on the ugly cloth seats! Cupholders came standard in *Geos* back in 1991, surely Ford had a clue that they'd be a good feature.

The driver's side door doesn't lock, so, because I live in a bad neighborhood, I have to go through a pantomione every morning where I pretend to unlock my car door for the benefit of all the crackheads int he neighborhood, all of whom probably laugh themselves sick at the sight, because my car's already been broken into and I'm sure they've all had a go poking around.

During car break-in, they improved the internal ambiance by breaking the glove box so it falls half open all the time (just far enough to turn the light on inside it, which is a dumb and useless feature, might I add), broke half the console, and insulted my car stereo by ignoring it totally. Not that it's any great shakes, as the right speaker goes out and I used to keep a heavy sandbag-bottomed soda-can- holder thing in the front seat to throw at it while driving so the bass will cut back on. It died, and I don't know how it got all beat up, do you? Now I lean over at red lights to pound on it with whatever will extend my reach, which is usually a shoe, and my body language is no doubt way beyond mysterious and perplexing to people in other cars.

Due to aforementioned burglary, there is also a delightful patch of silver on my black roof, which would be duct tape hiding the hole they carved into the convertible top before they discovered that I'd left my passenger door unlocked the night before. Der.

No performance issues yet, unless you cou8nt the time it died in a drive-through the night before we were moving from one apartment to another. Then stopped dead again in the intersection, which caused me to get screamed at by a rude cop, and then there was the towing, and then there was the $800 repair...which is about 50% of the car's total resale value, mind you.

There's no air circulation in the parking deck at work, and it is hot and humid, so my car gets a lovely stale auto-B.O. aroma every day, and baths, air fresheners and cracked windows don't help one bit.

My car is the Peg Bundy of the parking garage. Red Sonja, you're such a bitch. Straighten up, damn it.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

These posts are too funny to read at work.

I forgot my Mom and stepfather had an AMC Spirit (lovely tan/gold with hideous optional orange stripes.) They had moved to San Diego, with no money, and had decided to splurge and go to the Del Coronado for Christmas dinner. This place is mucho swanky. When they came out, all these people were waiting for the valets to get their cars. Mom and David waited a while, then the valet ran up to the crowd and said, "who has the AMC Spirit?", which by itself, is total embarrassment. When they said "we do" the valet said it wouldn't start. The valet and David ending up push starting it in the hotel's driveway with all of these swanky people watching. Plus, Mom said the headlights didn't work. She laughs about it now, but it was pitiful at the time.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

But Millabean, you forgot to tell everyone how Red Sonja casually decided to jettison one of her DOORS shortly after you bought her. :-)

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

RED SONJA!!!!! The Peg Bundy of the parking garage!!!!!

And Lisa, I used to drive The Putt up to La Jolla all the time... just imagine the looks of horror I got....

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Oh yeah, Kel. Like, the very day the Lemon Law would no longer be in effect (meaning I could go back to the dealership with the hunk of maladjusted poo on wheels that they sold me and have the sale nullified without major inconvenience) my car spat a door off at 2am in a CRAPPY part of town. Homeless people were swarming all over my car offering advice and trying to stick it back on with trash scrounged out of gutters in exchange for the sixty-two cents I had on me at the time, total.

A cop watched the whole thing from across the street for an hour and a half, only strolling over when the door was reattached witha coathanger and a prayer, to lecture me about talking to the homeless people. Excuse me, if you could have taken a break from your Krispy Kremes long enough to help me, maybe I wouldn't have had to talk to the homeless people. I accepted the leture with about the same grace, internally at least, as Gwen must have when her head was about to fall off thanks to her tooth and The Queen of Bad Timing, Nurse Ratched, took it upon herself to give her a lecture about aspirin safety. Externally, since I didn't want to piss off anyone with powdered sugar on his chin AND the power to strip-search and incarcerate me, I was rather polite. Who knows what a grouchy cop might do when on a sugar high? Best to play it safe and smile and nod a lot.

Oh yeah. My car's name wasn't Red Sonja at the time, it was something else, like, hmm, 'You G*dd*mned Piece of M*therf*cking Sh*t', as I recall. (Red Sonja sounds so much nicer and matches the 'screw you and your offerings of frequent tune ups, I'll break down when I want to' insouciant attitude of my car.)

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

"The Putt"!! That's the best car name, like, EVER. :)

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Dwanollah, well I'm sure all those La Jolly people and their B-mers were jealous with envy :). I asked one of them, the CEO of my company, if he wouldn't trade his new convertable Corvette for my 10 year old Corolla. Hell, it ran fine, but being from the midwest the body was falling off in hunks. He was not amused. Sour puss.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Gwen, I'm pretty sure that Mary Ellen and Milla will have to be inducted in the Gwen Hall of Fame......plus, this entire thread is pretty classic. Do you think when all's said and done, it can be reported later in the year as a suprise? I have really died laughing over these vehicle descriptions. It's a wonder we all made it to adulthood.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000