...Mrs Softie and I have our first ante-natal class tonight.

I suspect that it's all a plot to disguise the fact that women are an alien species. During childbirth they forget to breathe so as to maintain the illusion of being Earthly mammals. We have been conned into providing cover by hyperventilating during delivery until we pass out. This leaves the alien doctors free to insert their anal probes and remove the giveaway tentacles and extra limbs from the baby. Well I'm onto you, you little green bastards and I'll be packing heat...

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Answers

When is the baby due then Softie?

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

I came here to chew gum and kick ass.......and I'm fresh out of gum! Give those aliens what for Softie!!

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Baby/alien hybrid due on 31 August. Will no doubt arrive on August 20 and prevent my attending all 3 games that week :-(

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Oh but wouldn't it be great if the little un arrived the day after the Spurs game? you be the doting, dutiful husband for a full week without missing a single game ;))

If it's a boy then he'll do that for you.....I'm certain :)))

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

He is a boy and he gets very agitated when the football is on (his Dad has a terrible singing voice), I've no doubt the little bugger wants to get out in time to watch the highlights on MotD.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Softie

Picture the scene

20th August

5:35pm - Mr Softie his hand held tightly as his wife is screaming in a delivery room

5:36pm - Mr Softie screaming louder as Shearer passed to Cort who completes his hat trick in his 1st full game for the lads.

5:45pm - Softie junior born as final whistle goes in the game that marks the hand over of the reins at the top of English football from a United to the real United - The Mags get Newton Heath off to bad start that just gets worse as the weeks roll on.

Enjoy it - I was born the day we beat Sunderland 2-1 (Aug 22 1953) and my Dad missed the game to pace outside the room in Gosforth - he could actually hear the crowd - tee hee.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

You're missing the part with Softie running around the room screaming like a lunatic. ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

I'll be on the gas and air me, high as a kite, she'll have to get hers elsewhere :-)

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

I've heard a rumour that as well as all this fancy suit accommodation, there's a soundproof delivery room, which can be rented per game, or per season if you're prolific in that direction. Fnar, fnar.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

They will be christening kids there next !

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000