I would like to know if any of you are dealing with the issue of elder care (a parent or otherwise) in your lives, and if so, would you mind sharing how you handle it? What are your thoughts on the present choices available for elder care, and what do you see as some better alternatives? It would seem to me that as a homesteader, the best possible choice would be to bring the parent into the home, to be loved, cared for and surrounded by loving family. If that is not a viable option, what is the next best alternative? As the baby boomer generation ages, I think this is going to be a major issue. I have read statistics that state that by the year 20l3, American elders will outnumber children. I look at the choices available for elder care now, and how expensive it is, and then I look at how difficult it is for the average "baby boomer" to save money for retirement, and I see a major crisis in the future. I doubt that the Social Security system will be available or able to handle the burden, and many people's retirement funds are tied up in a volatile stock market. Who will be shouldering the burden of elder care as us baby boomers get old? If you wouldn't mind sharing, what are some of you doing for elder care now?

-- (trigger@mcn.net), August 13, 2000

Answers

Yes, I am dealing with that issue. Well, I 've already gave away my secret that I'm adopted but they are still my parents ! My Answer is brash and cold but--For the man and woman that saved me from "the gallows pole" there is no end to my love. My home is open ! Can I wipe the feces from my parents butts ? probably not, but I can work harder to hire some nuetral person that can. I fail to find an excuse for any other explanation !

-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), August 13, 2000.

I've thought about it too, and while I sympathise with Joel's desire to hire out to a neutral aide, it's just too expensive to consider in most homestead budgets. So, since Mom wiped my butt for many a year, I guess I could return the favor if I had too. After all, she's done it for Gran when the poor dear had broken both her shoulders. Like Mother, like daughter, I guess.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), August 13, 2000.

Yes, I am dealing with it. For the past four years my parents have lived with us- sort of. They have a nice mobile home attached to our home that we are building. We can go back and forth on the same level. I have had to install grab bars in the bathrooms, and replace a tub with a tiled shower. I've been off from work for nearly a year because they needed more help than I had time for while I was working. My Dad's needs became more than we (my mother and I) could handle and 2 months ago he had to go to a nursing home. My mother has had small strokes and is very weak. Dad has cancer which has spread to his bladder, bones and most likely his brain, causing Alzheimer's-like symptoms. My plan was to keep him at home at all costs, but it just wasn't physically possible. We found that home health care workers can either be hired by the family or by a home health care company. If we hired staff ourselves, we would be responsible for interveiwing, hiring, and shift schedules. If someone didn't show up I would have to find someone immediately and/or fill in. That means I couldn't go back to work. If we went through a company the cost was $14. per hour which comes to about $10,000 a month for 3 shifts. Even at half that wage the cost would be more than we could ever handle. Medicare doesn't cover home health care except Hospice care.Hospice was wonderful but didn't work for us at home. Medicare also doesn't cover nursing home care. You have to qualify for medical assistance for that. Of course, I'm talking about the time when serious medical attention becomes necessary, but that time will inevitably come and it's best to be prepared for it. The day to day stuff when your parents are still well enough to get around will depend on what kind of people they are. Close proximity can be very taxing if they are demanding and/or critical, and personalities change with illness and strokes. Also, the stress on your own family needs to be considered. This is probably more than you wanted to know so I'll quit by saying that I believe that we should take care of our parents as they took care of us. My folks wiped lots of butts and put up with lots of misbehavior. I can too if need be.

-- Peg (NW WI) (wildwoodfarms@hushmail.com), August 13, 2000.

I have been the soul care taker of one of my sisters who die of breast cancer and then I took care of my Dad who died 3 months later from cancer and now my mom who has to many ills to mention! I have done my share of "butt wiping". With my sister (her divorce was finally the day after she died and she had no children). Her husband left her when she became too ill to work and started divorce papers ~~ didn't hear from him until he came to pick put the insurance check!That's another story! It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I would not trade the time I spent with her for anything! We grew closer and had lots of long talks -while I cared for her! I was with her when she died Christmas night,in my house! As for my mom and dad it has been harder (my family is not close)! My mother is and has always been a very unhappy person! She is a "neat freak" and I am not! I have loving children who come to visit and she does not( I have 2 sister and 1 brother who have not seen her in 4 years and maybe 10 calls between them)! I have a wonderful husband who works many, many overtime hours so I can stay home and take care of her! I could not do this with out my Husband, children, my husbands family and my friends. They all keep me going! Do you have a "force" like this? Are you and your parents close and do you enjoy the same things~~~ are a few questions that you need to ask yourself! It is very, very hard and I know there is a PLAN somewhere! I had plans too but now they are on hold~~ I just NEVER pictured me at this time of my life (I'm 45)dealing with this! May God bless you all, who are or will take care of your parents! For now this is my job!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), August 13, 2000.

Commuted 12 mi daily and took voluntary lay-offs and every personal and vacation day I could get when my Mom was ill and dying with cancer - 18 mo of hell and false belief.

Moved back closer to home - 1/4 mi - shortly before her death. I am an only child, but Pop has a large family and most of them pitched in and helped with her care, as did an in-law on Moms' side of the family.

3 or 4 years after I got divorced, Pop and I sold my house and we tore down his old house on the home place and built a new one that would comfortably hold 3 generations (or more!). He had had a stroke in the past - nearly full recovery except for a draggy right leg - he and one other guy built our 2000 sq foot house, contracted out the basement, plumbing and heating. We planned for a future where he would need some help. The staircase has a false trim panel which can be removed to install a chair that goes up and down the stairs, wiring in place. The doors to his room are wide enough for a walker or wheelchair as needs be. He has his personal bathroom which is also large enough for two or three people to move around in at once and has room for grab bars and bath chairs to be installed. 4 entrances to our porch gives areas to install a ramp if needs be; and just a small step up into wide doorways gives us more options. He could also move into one of the 2 bedrooms on the ground level if he had to. If something happens to where he needs help, we'll manage it at home.

As a nurse, I deal with wiping butts (and lots worse) on a daily basis and have long since lost any "nekkid body" mentality I might have once had. It is a difficult thing for a lot of people to deal with - about all the help I can give you with that one is to detatch mentally from the task at hand; think about something else.

One thing that would help if you need to care for a family member at home is to find a CNA - nurse aid - to come in a give you some hints on how to move and take care of the person without ending up throwing your back out or hurting them. I have seen patterns for clothing to make changes and dressing a person with limited mobility easier. Skin care for a person with limited mobility and especially incontinence is of major importance - you didn't let your baby sit around in a soggy diaper; don't let Mom either - decubes, ulcers, bed sores - whatever you call them are hell to cure and mostly don't get cured.

Dementia, Alzheimers and other brain issues and behavior issues such as those that can be caused by strokes etc... bring a whole 'nother set of problems with them. Feeding, wandering, sun-downers, violent behavior. Some of those can be controlled chemically - I'm not a pill pusher by nature - but sometimes you gotta do what it takes.

If you do decide to look into nursing home placement - chances are you aren't going to have a whole lot of time to make a decision about where, and you may not get your first choice. Different nursing homes have different levels of qualifications for patients, based on how much and what type of care the patient requires. I wouldn't put any family member in a nursing home that has an ad running daily in the paper looking for help - simple test, but one most people don't think of. Go to the nursing home, preferably at meal time. Look at the food, watch the help interact with the patients, smell the air, look in the corners.

I would love to build a boarding house for the elderly/ infirm out here on the home place. Too many damn government rules and regulations - I'd need someone just to wade through the darn paperwork for me so that I could take care of people the way I want to!

-- Polly (tigger@moultrie.com), August 13, 2000.

We aren't currently in this situation but are planning. My mom is still pretty hale and hearty at 77. However, we have discussed the possible situations that are in our family future. I think it's a good idea to do so while folks are able to think clearly. We all have our wills and necessary paperwork drawn up(power of attorney, living wills, etc). We have discussed the sale of her house, the fact that we will always care for her as best as we can (she has helped us immeasurably over the years) and we are prepared to have her move in with us when the time comes. We have discussed that we will do our best to care for her ourselves, but if that becomes untenable, that we will try home care, and if not workable, then assisted living, etc...By discussing and planning ahead, we hope to avoid a small measure of problems, although we know we can't know half of what may happen. We probably will have to build another house to accomodate us all, and have that in the planning stages.

I appreciate everyone's comments, as I am sure we can all benefit from all this combined experience. Thank you.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), August 13, 2000.

Having cared for both of my parents when dying, I am appalled at some folks lack of will to do what is necessary to preserve their parents dignity. I cared for my mother in our family home, took off from college, when I was twenty, and 2 years ago my father lived with us the last month of his life (I put my business on hold), and I cared for him in his home for years before. I have never regretted the extreme fatigue and dirty chores. I'd do it again to have them back.

-- Anne (HT@HM.com), August 13, 2000.

Though my Mom is 73 years young and still showing her Arabs at the National level, we have a guest house on our property. Snuggled in the front woods, but just a 100 feet from my front door. Right now it is the kids college to work transistion house (halfway house :) in fact oldest daughter graduated in May and left this morning for her new big time job in the city! 2nd daughter 18 is moving in as we speak! But this will be the future home of any of the parents who need it. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), August 13, 2000.

This is a little of subject but needed to be said .My husbands Mom did pass away last week after a cancer fight .Make sure your wills spell out everything , is the contents of the house to be sold and proceeds devided .Anything special left to certain people .It has amazed me at how greedy they all became .Don't think ow not my children !Write down what you want each one to have , I think a good idea is to do different boxes or such for each include old school papers , pictures ,special things from there child hood or special things you shared as adults .Maybe even include a letter from you they can read after your death .

-- Patty (fodfarms@slic.com), August 13, 2000.

We are not in this situation right now but have said since we were married that we would care for our parents in our home as long as physically possible. Since I have bad knees, we are planning our dream home to accomodate both. Two bedrooms on the ground floor, wheel chair accessible doors, accessible shower, only one step down from the porch to the sidewalk, etc. We have also allowed room on the homestead layout to add a small 800 sq. ft house with same ammenities to be used as a guest cottage, parent's home and eventually our home and let one of the kid's families have the "big" house.

My second option of choice would be in home care or assistance. It can be expensive. In the case of my grandfather I felt I would rather have him happy at home than get any inheritance.

We have seen so many people who dump their parents in a nursing home when they don't need to be in one, but it is the convenient thing (for them). Alot of times that sends the parent down the tubes, mentally. There comes a time when that is the only option but it should be the LAST option. If and when that time comes I could hold my head high knowing I did my best for the longest possible time and it is time to pass the torch (care) to someone else.

-- Vaughn (vdcjm5@juno.com), August 13, 2000.

I am really glad to see so many people determined to continue loving care of those who have loved them for so long. I have my twenty-year- old mentally handicapped daughter at home, and have to provide a great deal of her personal care, but it would still be hard for me to "wipe butts" for my parents -- but if the need ever arises, I will do it. I just started working a night shift at the local hospital, I leave Juniper with a friend for an hour or so until her dad gets off work and can pick her up. You just have to accomodate your life to the needs of those who need you. There are so many blessings from them. I can't imagine looking at myself in the mirror in the mornings knowing I'd put a relative into institutional care if there was any alternative. Of course, look at how many parents put their own small children into institutional care (day care centers, public schools) rather than make the sacrifices necessary to care for them themselves. (I know there are situations where the parent doesn't have any choice -- just like with the elder-care situation.) Doesn't seem so strange that when those children grow up, they won't think twice about putting their parents into insitutional care.

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), August 15, 2000.

Take a deep breath, and open your heart. The right thing will follow.

-- Linda Al-Sangar (alsangal@brentwood-tn.org), August 17, 2000.

We have been on one end and expect to soon be on the other. Diane and I left the homestead to care for her father (putting out Countryside magazine in a makeshift office in his basement. He couldnt have handled our geodesic dome and its spiral staircase..) We watched my father die--and yes, we (Diane) wiped his butt. (She, a nurse and mother, did it, while I, a son who should have had no qualms, cradled his head on my shoulder.)

A nursing home, or a hospital, is no place to die. And if youre only talking about growing old, the same applies.

My hope is to contribute to the family community as long as Im physically and mentally able if only to provide advice and good stories about the olden days. While the youngsters dig the poatoes and cut the firewood to feed me and keep me warm. What else could I need?

But this attitude (and the possibility) is just one more aspect of old- fashioned thinking---of homesteading---that has gone by the board in the last generation or so.

Too bad.

-- jd (belanger@tds.net), August 19, 2000.