foster parenting?

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Ok, after having read the last post on this subject, I'm fairly sure that I'm opening myself up to a whole wheelbarrow load of criticism. Oh well, here goes....

There were several people who posted about being foster parents. I have several questions.... first of all, how to get started? My hubby & I have been discussing this for several years, and are finally in a large enough house to consider it. (When you have 2 kids of your own, a 2 bedroom house is too small to take in any others!) What pros and cons have you experienced? Is homeschooling allowed? Are there any agencies other than the state-run CSD that place kids? Can I specify an age group? (Call me a wimp, but I don't think I'm ready for teens yet! Maybe later. My kids are still little; I'd prefer to stay in the under-six category for now.) What requirements are there for our family? I'm guessing that most of these depend on the state you live in and the agency you go through, but there ought to be SOME consistancy!

I guess I just want other peoples stories (been there, done that) to help me decide whether this is something I'm better off staying out of. I hope not. Who better to take in kids that desperately (sp?) need love and caring, than people like "us"? Anyway, please let me know what ya'll think...I value your input!

-- Ali (philipandaleta@juno.com), September 12, 2000

Answers

I don't know if this info is pertinent to what you're asking, but twice in the past 10 years I have inquired about adopting or fostering special needs kids. Each time, I have been scared off by what the social workers themselves have told me about these kids. Logic tells us that if a child is mistreated badly enough to have to be removed from their parents, that that kid is going to have some serious issues to deal with. From what I'm told, the kids available usually have really serious behavior and emotional problems, as well as physical ailments. Basically, "normal", young, white kids are not available, and if your family is white, chances are you won't have much luck adopting a black child either. Also, I was told that I could not foster or adopt any kids that were older than my own kids, because the older kids can pose a real threat to younger biological kids in the family, as far as physical & sexual abuse. The social workers really discouraged us from doing this, believe it or not, as much as they say they need foster homes. I also have a question related to this topic: We keep hearing about the crisis of AIDS orphans in Africa. Does anyone know of an agency that tries to help these kids find families in the U.S.? Is there any sort of adoption effort underway for these children? I have read TONS of stuff on the crisis of these poor kids, but have found nothing that suggests how we might get involved.

-- Shannon (Grateful Acres Animal Sanctuary) (gratacres@aol.com), September 12, 2000.

Sorry I have no info for you, Ali. However, Shannon, the Plan Agency (www.planlovingadoptions.org) has babies in Africa because of the civil wars there. They did not mention AIDS. They are reducing their fees by $5000 for babies from Libya (depending on donations), it sounds like the Libyan govt is pitching in to see these children get new homes. Best of luck, Julie

-- Julie (julieamc@excite.com), September 12, 2000.

We have been foster parents for the past 4 years to the same the child. That is not the usual length of time for a child to be in your home. Our child is the youngest in our family. My natural born child will be 19 this Nov. We are in the process of adopting her, she is black, we are white. She is a special needs child who deserves the best care that can be given to her. The love she emanates is great. There are other agencies that you can go through to be a foster parent. They are different in every state. We got our foster daughter in AL. and have been working on the adoption in Ut. You can specify the age group you want. You can chose to be a semi permanent foster parent. That is when they place children who need a place now!! and then find a permanent residence later for them. You can ask to be a subsitiute parent--for when the foster parent needs reapite if it is available in your state. I don't know if they will allow home schooling. Your best bet is to make a few calls and talk to some foster parents.It is challenging and very rewarding. I would really consider my children and what they would go through every time a new child came and went. It might be best for yur family to wait until they are older and are able to understand better.I know that you and your husband will do what is right for your family. Lynne

-- Lynne (leaves8@hotmail.com), September 12, 2000.

We had to take a 9 week class to get our license & medical training for a special needs child, we are in Illinois. The people we worked with were really nice & helpful, but they have rules to follow & can't bend them even when they agree with you. We had kids that came with head lice & even though they kept getting them after each visitation with their parents, & we were made to put pesticides on their sweet little heads, the social worker said we could do nothing because the parents had "rights." I said we do too, this is our home, but our rights weren't as important. Of course the kids have none. We also had a special needs child with a trach, she had to be on a monitor & oxygen at night, so we had nurses in our home every night, eventually some of them tried to take over & it was like they owned the place & we were just people who got to stay there. We had no privacy, there was always a nurse on the other side of the wall. They just got too comfortable in our home & I couldn't take it. Also, if we wanted to take a trip we had to bring a nurse with us or take turns staying up all night. Those are my experiences, but I know so many people who've had a wonderful & rewarding experience, I don't want to discourage you but if you're a foster parent there will be some authority over you that you don't have now, I don't take well to authority.

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), September 12, 2000.

RE: Homeschooling Illinois is one of the most lenient states, because a homeschool is legally considered a private school, but even here it was not possible with foster kids, so I would be surprised if a state allowed it.

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), September 12, 2000.


Ah, foster care.....I truly believe after our experiences with foster care that in order to be effective foster parents you must: be willing to have 50% of your tangible property destroyed,90% of your mind and sensibilities damaged.We had a total of 11 foster children, the most was three at a time. Darling little 5 year old girl who had spent a grand total of 6 MONTHS in 5 years with her drunken prostitute mother, yet WE were not allowed to cut her long hair (all the way to her little rear end), to get rid of the massive amounts of head lice..WHY? Because :mommy" liked her hair long and it is "mommys' right" to dictate this.Every other Tuesday for a year, we dragged this sweet child up to the "Agency" to see "mommy"...three times "mommy" showed up."Mommy" was either in jail or drunk.And yet, the state in its infinite wisdom continued to allow this woman to control this little girls life. we had a set of twin boys, nine years old. Their father had locked them in the cellar for a week, in the dark, and then chased them around the house with a box cutter, threatening to cut off their genitals until a neighbor FINALLY called the police. Were these boys messed up? You bet they were.My husband and I loved them,hugged them, cleaned up urine off our living room floor,fought for them at school (us VS teachers), the whole nine yards.One of the boys, when he heard that the judge was going to allow visitation with "daddy" threw up in fear.Where are these boys now? Yup, with "daddy" courtesy of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.We could no longer take the depression of foster care.To answer your specifics, yes you can pick ages..no, in most states you cannot home school foster kids..is it worth it??? Only you can decide that..we thought that we could make a difference in the lives of children....nope, the system does not allow that to happen.I would take in children again,ONLY if all their living relatives were dead.

-- Lesley (martchas@gateway.net), September 12, 2000.

A little boy we had was so infested with head lice his head hurt, at a closer look you could see red spots (bites) all over. I'm not advising anyone to do this but we took a lesson lots of children already know: It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, so.....we shaved his head & nothing came of it, except a healed head.

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), September 12, 2000.

What a sad state of affairs ! We sit and question why are country is going to hell in a hand bag . Here is one reason ! The children should come fourth and the parents second .You as a parent should have 6-12 months to straighten out otherwise these children should be allowed to be adopted and have some sort of normal life .If a child doesn't want to see a parent why should they be forced ?

I myself could never be a foster parent because I would never be able to let go of these children and send them back to uncertainty .

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@slic.com), September 12, 2000.


I'm reading these posts and have tears in my eyes as I remember our experience. I was a biological child in a home that took in fosters, then I was an adoptive parent. First, everytime a child came to our home when I was a child, I bonded with him or her. The hardest was a 6 mo. baby named Jimmy when I was 5 or6. We was with us 2 years, then the birth mother wouldn't let us adopt because we were of the wrong faith. When they took him away, we were heartbroken and none of us ever got over it. When I was first married, we decided to adopt a child. We were given a beautiful little toddler who had been in foster care since his mother abandoned him at 6 mo. He could not bond. Everytime he began to bond in foster care, the system moved him so he would be "able" to bond with his adoptive family. Never happened. He became a sociopath. Long story, short. He's in prison for murder. The sequence of events played out like a bad movie. Every psychologist we saw said the system had created him by moving him so often. There are thousands like him out there, all ages. You have to go through this horrible system to get a child that they have destroyed before you get him or her. Am I bitter? You bet. If there is anything that is wrong with our society, it's how we treat the kids who need help the most. Do I recommend foster care. NOOOO. Do I think you are a saint to even think about it? YESSSSS. God bless you.

-- melina bush (goatgal1@juno.com), September 12, 2000.

In my state, you get started in foster care by taking a 30 hour class called MAPP that prepares you for the paperwork and nothing else! Then you sign with an agency and tell them the children that you will accept. They will call you for all of them anyway. But, you can always say no. Our experience with the children has been wonderful. We have adopted 5 children. They were 3 separate groups and were from age 6 to 14 at the time of their adoptions. There have been various problems, but it has been so worth it. If you have a heart for children and can put up with a lot of social worker nonsense, go for it!! There are children out there that need you. It will be hard, but it will be the most rewarding thing that you ever do. It must be: we just were placed with a two year old with special needs. He's so much fun.

P.S. All of our kids are caucasion and none of them were beyond help.

-- Barbara Ternes (lbfarm@hit.net), September 12, 2000.



Amen Lesly!!!

Our neighbors, (family doctors, man and wife)did their best to talk us out of it. All I could think was, "but those poor kids, they need love, care, stability...." Now I can honestly say "been there, done that, never, never, never again"! Never, never, never!!!

Don't let a social worker put one toe over your threshhold!

Pauline in NC

-- Pauline (tworoosters_farm@altavista.com), September 13, 2000.


Not all authorities are unaware of the problems with bonding and the tragedy of the situations these chidlren live in. Just to put in a small positive comment...There is a program being tested in three communities in Kentucky (ours being one of them) where parental rights are being terminated more quickly and children are being put on the fast track into adoptive homes. My husband is one of judges that decides what happens to these children. You cannot imagine the sadness and gravity of these decisions. Some are easy...some are not. Without caring foster homes I can't even imagine what would happen to these children. However, I have three young children and would not consider being a foster parent until they were all on their own. When we get calls in the middle of the night to remove these children from homes filled with feces buckets or where a child has been left sitting in a dirty diaper so long that the magets have taken up residence there is no question that they need someone to care for them. Sadly, there are many foster parents do it for the added income. If you really care for the child properly, it will cost you (and your family)...time, money and love. If you are willing to give these freely then I would consider it.

-- Jennifer (KY) (acornfork@hotmail.com), September 13, 2000.

This is a second hand positive comment. I have a friend I've known my entire life. She and her husband have two biological children and two children they have adopted. They wanted a house full of children but were unable to give birth to more than two. They became foster parents first to these children and fought the courts and social services all of the way to adopt them, A long hard road for them, but it is definitely the best for the children. The battle was financially draining but they say it was all worht it. Cost no more than delivering in the hospital is how they look at it. Do they do it for money? No. They could have kept these children as fosters for there entire lives and received an income every month. By choosing to adopt, they gave up the money. They had each child,(healthy white infants removed from grossly neglectful homes) as foster children for almost two years each before they could adopt. They are both very bright, loving , well adjusted children. They are still on the foster parent list and want to adopt more children. Their home is full of love and kindness and they say they have no regrets. On a personal note, my husband was adopted as an infant and is a wonderful man. He had a wonderful childhood but still has questions that haunt him. If anyone is looking at this as an income, STOP. These are children, not a cash crop. God bless you. Terri

-- Terri Perry (stuperry@stargate.net), September 13, 2000.

I must respond again after reading the other new posts.I am thrilled for the person who was able to adopt foster kids..good for you and blessings for these children, however, that is NOT the norm.Money?????????? What money? we were paid $500/month per child.These kids came to us with absolutely nothing..no clothes, no toys, no books, no toothbrush!Just to get an 11 year old girl ready for school in the cold Northeast cost us well over the $500.It's not like having your own kids outgrow clothes..these kids have NOTHING..Picture buying everything from scratch and I mean everything.Groceries,clothes,haircuts,shoes,toys,books, school projects, etc, etc, etc....yup, IF you treat them as your own, you will spend more money than you get.IF you treat them as your own, your heart will be broken.I can only speak from my own experience..the other foster parents we met were in it for the money, and did NOT give two hoots about the kids...once more the kids lose.Are there good kind and loving folks out there who are foster parents????? of course and more power to them and God bless them.We simply got so fed up with the absolute craziness of it all that it was no longer worth it to us..we were prevented from making a difference by the set up of the almighty system..the kids are prevented from being available to families for adoption until they are so damaged that it is nearly impossible to find homes for them..what a crying shame! I feel sooooo strongly that there should be orphanages again...Take these kids AWAY from these horrible parents and have them ALL up for adoption. At least in an orphanage, they know where they will be and who they will be with day in and day out.Sorry for the tirade..honestly...it is a very painful subject for me...If YOU and your husband feel that you are able to put up with 100% nonsense and the powerlessness of being foster parents then I truly applaud you and wish you every success...you are better folks than we are..God bless

-- Lesley (martchas@gateway.net), September 13, 2000.

Lesly, it sounds as if you had a terrible time with foster care! My area seems to be a little different. In the last 2 years, 3 of my friends have adopted their foster children. Around here, it is the norm. Others have helped move children into loving adoptive homes. A few of us have been crushed by children returning to bad homes. It is VERY difficult when that happens, but I know many foster children that call their foster parents years later to say "Thanks, you showed me that families don't have to live like mine did." In our state, you get a $300 per year clothing allowance. Monthly reimbursment is $540. I can clothe my 7 children in nice,name brand clothing for less than 500 per year! You just learn to frequent resale shops, thrift shops, and garage sales. We are part of a support group and when one of us gets a new child, we check our clothing supply and contribute if possibe. The biggest problem I find with foster care is the idocy of the system not the day to day care and management of the children. If all the "powers that be" would be efficient, caring and hard working, the children would be much better off. There's nothing I dislike more than to have a worker tell me that she was "too busy" to answer my emergency call until a week later! Let her come to my house and care for 7 kids: then she'll know what busy is. Ali, find the local support group and talk to them. They can tell you what its like in your area. Then, if your'e interestes still, take the training. If you still want to do it after that, only take ages and problems that you are comfortable with. There are too many kids waiting for too long.

-- Barbara Ternes (lbfarm@hit.net), September 13, 2000.


One question that I didn't see answered by the other responses were..yes there are other agencies that place foster children besides county..but you do have to deal with county in some ways. We have been doing foster care off and on now for 2 1/2 years. (needed a break after the first 2 we had) We work with what is referred to as an FFA....Foster family agency....It is a theraputic foster care agency. Which can mean children with more problems, but in my opinion, dosn't. We get paid a little more, and probably do a little more working with adults..the part I hate...I think there are too many adults involved with every child. Alot of the kids figure out how to work the system very young..if they have been bounced around in foster care alot. We have had 4 boys total in our home. Our own boys are 22 and 20 years old. Youngest is still at home. These have been our experiences...We had 2 white boys...adorable, but very very messed up emotionally first. They were 6 and 7 when they came to us, and 7 and 8 when they left. They were very very hard to deal with, and I have more patience than most. They were both in very severe special ed classes, and the youngest was on medication. They had been bounced around alot for years. We kept them as long as we could. Wanted to adopt the older one, but they would not split them up. Younger one ended up getting adopted finally and older one is in process now...almost 2 years later. We took a long break after that. We never had the head lice problem or any of that. Second group of 2 brothers we have now. We have had them for a little over 8 months. They are white, and perfectly normal. The oldest is 15. Was 14 when they came here. Youngest is 4. Was 3 1/2 when he came. They are bright...oldest is straight A student taking really amazing hard classes at high school He is a sophomore. He is polite, respectful and fun. Younger one is a doll, very bright, and polite. He was a little wild at first, and had never heard the word no, but has really come around. We are starting the adoption process with younger one, and will adopt older one if he decides he would like that. So there are great kids out there. The problem is usually the adults...not the parents...thats obvious. These kids had a very alcoholic mom, no dads (unknown is on the birth certs) I mean the social workers, spec. ed teachers (no home schooling foster kids allowed here either) therapists, etc...its crazy. But...there are great kids out there. They WILL call you about every kid....they will lie and leave things out to get them in your home. We were very lucky to have friends who have been foster parents for years.THey filled us in ahead of time on what to beleive and not beleive, and what questions to ask. I don't think I could have done this when my kids were younger. I am 41 now. In my opinion, it would be hard for me to deal with the effect the first 2 we had would have had on my own boys if they had been close to the same age. The ones I have now, I could have had any time. You never know. Ask a million questions. Meet any potential kids more than once. Call the foster parents who have had them in the past. If the social worker won't give yo this info....something is up.... I would never change having done foster care. It is obviously not for everyone...but it can be a wonderful experience!!! Good luck!!

-- Jenny Pipes (auntjenny6@aol.com), September 15, 2000.

Unfortunately the bad experiences seem to outnumber the good. But don't let that discourage you - plenty of people have had wonderful experiences and have made a true diffeence in the life of a child. There are many agencies besides the typical state foster system There are many private Children's Home Society in popular in my area, also many children's organizations or facilities have foster kids (Boystown, etc.) The best bet is to research what agencies are in your area, and then fully research the agency (look up foster care, social services, treatment for children, and oftentimes social workers and local children's counselors/therapists know of various agencies). Some agencies do a wonderful job or training and offering continuing education and training, and give a detailed account of the child and their history. But a "bad" history doesn't mean the child will be horrible. I've worked with kids from the most shocking home situations - severe drug use, prositution, abuse, etc. and not all kids from that environment are like some of the horror stories mentioned by others - some of them are wonderful.

-- Julia Teneralli (tofubiscuit@excite.com), September 15, 2000.

Hi Ali I wanted to be a foster parent since I was 12 years old I am 38 now and have been a foster mom of 8 children just since may. I just had 2 children placed with me who came out of extreem filth a and extreem neglect. they are 7 and 3 they are very sweet and are ajusting to our house very well, we already had a 7 and 5 year old placed last may they all play well together I have a 14 year old that is mine she does not get along with the 5 year old but likes all the other children. We treat our foster kids the same as our own I think that is the only way to do it. They have piano lessons and play sports ect ect we had a huge party today for the 7 year old boy. I love it I have lots of foster parent freinds to visit with. I am the one who had the posting a few weeks ago I just wanted to finde some fosters who had homesteads!!!!!!!!! never ment to start a war and was shocked by one of the respones. But I did meet some nice folks have not had time to e-mail them. with 5 kids you dont have time I really dont have time to be typing this but oh well you only live once. Dont let those folks scare you a lot of what they say is true you will need to learn how to say no to some placements. I cant say no so I put my husband in chargeof that he does great he has a built in sensor I think. Yes there are problems with the sestem but what do you do stop loveing kids because the sestem dont work ... not me my feelings do not enter the picter Do I like haveing my day interupted by case workers not realy. but my feelings are not what is important. Am I takeing care of children to the best off my ability even though the sestem does not work you bet I am. I am not perfect but my foster kids know that I love them they know that they will not go hungry that they have a clean bed and clean clothes, that I am always there for them and that they come first!!!!!!!!! ect. ect. e-mail me any time would love to help you Happy Mom

-- Lisa Hopple (hopplehomestead@safezone.net), September 16, 2000.

Another foster opportunity is with elderly - those who cannot live by themselves, but still don't need to be in a nursing home. Their problems may be as simple as forgetting to take medications as directed or to eat on a regular basis.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), September 17, 2000.

Ali, my story is different. I took in my sole sister's child. She on drugs, and could not get off. I had no recourse, but to accept this child, after the Authorities had taken over. Monetary downfall, followed, due to Day Care expense, etc. I fought the system, which sought to remove their partial Day Care Assistance because I was a blood relative. Found out the "System" would give full dollar assistance to a stranger on the street, but not a strapped relative. Spoke to one official, who said the system "expected" Family to bring up the rear, without help, their quilt would guide. Fer Heaven Sake, we had enough guilt, but not the resource. I was one of the opulent. I had auto, and home. Heat and air. Two years later, brother sibling came to our house. Small creature wanted food, every three hours. What a journey, to live through skin exaustion to feed this hungry sweet baby. What sweet memories I have, when I could do no different. Speed to you, in your journey...

-- What will be (sh@llbe.com), September 17, 2000.

Hi, I have read all the nightmare stories of foster care on the board and thought I might share mine also. I know this must be very discouraging for you wanting to be a foster Mom, but it is the truth. I was a foster Mom in 1987-1988 in N.Y. and it too was a nightmare for me also. I had 2 boys- 3 and 5 of my own and took 2 special needs brothers the same age of my sons. I got them in Nov 1987 and like the others said with hardly anything. Their Mom had them locked in a room and they could hardly talk, walk or eat anything healthy. They slept on the floor and ate snacks most of the time. It took me weeks to get them to sleep in a bed. One of the boy's shoes were so smelly with urine from peeing himself, I had to throw them out and buy him a new pair of shoes with my money as it takes a few weeks to get any clothing allowance from them. I had constant critiscm from Mom because I cut their hair which was like a rat's nest and because I put certain types of clothing or fed them certain things she didn't like. She would bring them sweets on visits and they would be hyper for hours and was upset that I asked her not to bring all those sweets. Imagine she was treating them like animals and now she is complaining. Then I got 2 more little ones as an emergency for a month. The baby was 8 months and the little girl was 3. They had been abused badly and the little girl sexually molested by her father. They stayed with me for a month and I got so attached to them. I used to rock them and play with them, and load all 6 into the car to the park every day. Then one day the older foster boy came home with a bruise on his leg from the bus. Well I was investigated, accused of child abuse, it was horrible. Most of the workers are not the greatest to work with and are very rude and critizing of every decision you make when not confronting them first. One morning they called for the baby and little girl and said they were coming that afternoon. They wanted all their things ready and waiting out in the yard to save time. I had to hurry and wash clothes and everything. They didn't even want Alica to say goodbye to her foster brothers, but I insisted. They just wanted to yank her off the bus, and put her directly in the car. She was traumatized and held on my leg and cried Mama, Mama. The baby was screaming when they took him and my boys and I cried for days, it was horrible. Then they accused me of stealing her cross and keeping most of the clothes. It was Spring and it was time for new clothes and they had outgrew most of them. The other boys got adopted a few months later. I missed them all so much but I just couldn't stand all the nonsence that went on against me who loved and took care of them. I was the bad guy and Mom is the good guy, Hmm Hmm!! Sorry for such a lengthy post but this is something I had to tell to all thinking of doing foster care, just be careful and wary!! Thanks, Carla

-- Carla (hoycarla@hotmail.com), September 18, 2000.

whoa, a little bitter are we? Get a clue anonymous, just because someone gives birth doesn't make them a parent. Most foster kids were either unwanted or mistreated by their natural parents.

-- Dave (multiplierx9@hotmail.com), March 05, 2002.

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