Peter Reid to be new Chelsea boss - official Reid to be monkey-heedhunted by Blues

Chelsea football club today announced that they are to approach Sunderland manager Peter Reid to fill the void left by Luca Vialli. Chairman Ken Bates is said to be on route to the Stadium of Light, armed with a dozen bananas and a packet of PG tips aimed at luring the primate-like boss away from his beloved Wearside.

Chelsea chairman Colin Hutchinson explained: "We need to get back to basics at this club. Our main problem has been spending too much and persisting in free flowing continental football. Peter Reid is the man we believe can turn us right around in these respects. His record in not spending cash is second to none. Wheras we spent #15m on Jimmy Flloyd Hasselbaink, he snapped up Milton Nunez for #1.8m. That's a saving of over #13m."

"In addition, while we have been accused in the past of overplaying, at the Stadium of Light they have filled the ground playing mind numbing route one football. Not to mention the fact that while they have invested heavily in foreign talent such as Helmer, Fireguard, and Peeters, they have had the good sense to keep them well away from the first team"

Peter Reid is believed to be interested in managing the London giants and last night told friends that he would be listening to what Bates had on offer before he made up his mind. However, in a recent interview by influential Sunderland website Ready to Go Down he said: "My heart and soul is now with the people of Wearside. I am no longer a scouser I am mackem and proud of it."

When questioned what that actually meant in real terms he answered: "I've stopped washing my shell suit quite so much and I nick Ladas instead of GTIs."

He did however, reveal the special bond he has with assistant Bobby Saxton, a man who is tipped to follow him to Stamford Bridge. He said: "Bobby is a number two in every sense of the word. He may come across as a hardman but he's got a soft centre. Coming back from away games we regularly fall asleep on each other's shoulders. Although his drooling has wrecked a number of suits."

Last night life long Chelsea fan Dickie Attenborough commented on the news: "Darling, Peetie is a lovely man..lovely. He has a presence and a grace and style that few other managers possess. He is real man, a man of the people, like one of those character in those wonderful kitchen sink dramas of the sixties. And what can I say about Bobby Saxton, a vulgarian of truely epic proportions. Such gritty northern working class humour, such a beautiful face which shows lines etched into it by years of hard struggle against oppression".

A decision is expected by Sunderland by 12 noon today, with former manager Lawrie MacMenemy alrady tipped to return to the club to finish the job that Reid has started.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Answers

Very good :-) Nice chortle to start the day

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Nice one Martin :-) Have you posted this on the RTG board yet? You should.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Well I'll post it on RTG then!

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

That was written by Nobby on the Strawberry message board yesterday.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000