...William Shakespere went into a pub and asked for a pint. The bar tender refused to serve him by replying "Your barred"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Answers

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub. The barman said: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Shakespeare goes into another bar and sees his mate Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner.

"Fancy a beer Vinnie?" says Bill

"No, it's alright, i've got one 'ere"

coat, hat, door, goodnight.....

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

.....and so Mr Collins says to Mr Pears.......how many F's are there in petrol.......to which Mr Pears replies...there's no F in Petrol....and Mr Collins said "is that because of the blockade!"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

...this fella went to the optician and said "I was looking myself in the mirror this morning and I noticed that one of my eyes is different to the other" "Really " said the Doc, "which one"?

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

.....and this fella walked into a bar......he went ow - it was an iron bar!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

With this blockadecausing problems, how do you keep milk fresh?

Keep it in the cow!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

This polo mint goes into a bar and orders a pint. He is sat there drinking away quite happily and cahtting to the Humbug when this Locket comes in. He downs his pint and announces that he's going home. "Why?" asks the Humbug. "There'll be bother in here tonight. See that Locket? He's menthol".

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Bloke goes into the doctors and says "Doctor, doctor, I'm so confused. One minute I feel like a wigwam, the next I feel like a tepee". The doctor looks at him and says "you kno wyour trouble? You're too tents". Thank you and goodnight.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer...

The barman says: "Hey, you're a duck". "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean you can TALK," says the barman. "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please." The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right," replies the barman. "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled: "What on earth would he want with a plasterer?"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Oh no:

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realising he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You snivelling piece of dirt. You stink to high hell... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother." By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Hat, coat, et al...

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

OK, I'm bored and at work and it's Saturday morning and I'm hungover...this will be the last one:

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager #50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his #50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his #50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to give it good loving as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off"

!-...

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000