I have a friend whose husband divorced her after 6 years of marriage. Neither spouse committed adultery. They had no children. She wanted to stay married and work through their problems, but he refused. He essentially abandoned the marriage. Now, 2 years later, she would like to begin dating but is unsure if she may. Everything that I have read on the issue talks in terms of divorce AND REMARRIAGE. But what about casual dating? Obviously, sexual intercourse is prohibited, but what about holding hands, kissing good-night, etc.? Would she be "betraying" her ex-husband and/or her ex-marriage if she did these things?

-- Stephen Gouba (SMG601@aol.com), December 03, 2000

Answers

SG,

This is truly an unfortunate situation. One can certainly symphathize with the wife in this case. So please realize that it is not with any harshness that I will say what follows.

You stated that "she wanted to stay married and work through their problems." This indicates that she believed that the marriage was valid. If she still believes that, then her only honest course of action -- though it may be a very painful sacrifice -- is to do what millions of other people have done: namely, to live a chaste life -- being faithful to her absent husband and giving good example to her associates, family, and husband. [I can't use the term ex-husband, because I am speaking in ecclesiastical, not secular terms.] This means that she would have to avoid dating, holding hands, and kissing -- because doing those things are arguably tantamount to unfaithfulness. She could have innocent, platonic relationships with men (for example, having lunch together). Unless she is a woman of exceptional character, it would probably be too late for her to convert her current relationship into a platonic one, and it would probably be prudent for her to abandon it.

Now, recall that everything I just said was based on her still believing that her marriage was valid -- as she did at the time of the divorce. If she no longer believes that the marriage was valid, then she has two options:
either (1.) to remain celibate for the rest of her life, not asking the Church to rule on the marriage and not dating at all,
or (2.) to approach her pastor about beginning the process to seek a declaration of nullity.

If she doubts the validity of the marriage and begins the nullity process, can she do the things you describe? To the best of my knowledge, the Church has not put an absolute ban on the actions you describe, in that situation. However, if her actions could be a source of scandal, then she could not do them. The Catechism teaches us that "scandal" is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor's tempter. In other words, if your friend takes part in dating, holding hands, and kissing, she may be observed by people (especially children) who know that she was married, but know nothing about the nullity process. They may be tempted to sin in some similar fashion now or in the future. But if she and her friend are of strong moral character, resolved not to commit sexual sin, and if there is no possibility of scandal being given, they probably can engage in an innocent, informal dating relationship, while waiting for the marriage tribunal to rule on the case.

Please note that all of the above is unofficial. It is one lay person's opinion, based on prayer, reading, and reasoning. It is likely that others will have different opinions. I don't mind if they express those opinions now, but I request that they do not refer to my opinion (positively or negatively) in delivering theirs.

SN

-- Slave Nolonger (free@long.last), December 04, 2000.

SN

Thank you for your warm and thoughtful answer.

SG

-- Stephen Gouba (SMG601@aol.com), December 07, 2000.

Again i state! "Take What The Word (Christ) Says" not what the pope, church, catacism. etc... says

Reading Slave Nolonger lil return speech, I failed to see ONE SCRIPTURE that he menched, maybe it was cause He/She didnt mench any.. (smile)

Come On Guys!!! Where is the leadership of the Word (Christ) here!! He is the one that said " I Am The Way The Truth and The Light"!!!

Stephen Gouba, Notice,.. Theres no ground for her to remarry, or date, unless her husband is dead.... ROMANS 7:2 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to [her] husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of [her] husband.

ROMANS 7:3 3 So then if, while [her] husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.

Jesus said MATTHEW 5:32 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Fornication is when u have an affiar as a single person, not married

Adultery is when u have an affair and you are married, u sin against your vow to your spouse

... I hope you see the Revelation of it, if not .. email me and we will talk futher..... No Law but Love, No Creed but Crist, No Book but the Bible

-- Dr. TaiChi (hpuxor@yahoo.com), January 05, 2001.

Hello to everyone,

When a couple has been divorced , of course both may have dates again !! We , humans , are not made to be alone on this world !!!! But if you can save your marriage , please go for it !!!!

I know in a lot of cases , they gonna hate the opposite sex , 'cause the otherone has a "made relation" with someone else , in the beginning this has to do for 99% caused by sex !!!! I've seen this many times !!!! But if you got kids , think about them , also think about what you are doing and the consequenses , just don't be stupid !!!! Don't let the kids suffering from your mistakes , the fights in court , because these kids are always the victims in this case !! THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS , they have feelings to !! And if you are divorced , beware of ONE thing: The kids are ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT than your ex-partner !!!!

greetings:

Laurent LUG

no__religion@hotmail.com

-- Laurent LUG. (no__religion@hotmail.com), August 19, 2001.