Right -- new year, new resolutions, fresh start, right? I sure hope so. Two thousand was definitely "annus horribilus" around here. In the space of one year we lost my mother to breast cancer, necessitating dealing with all arrangements from 1700 miles away, with very little capital to spend making said arrangements; my brother (36 YO) was diagnosed with bowel/colon cancer which has metastasized to his liver -- he has a brand new baby girl and a wonderful wife he just married last year; we damned near lost the business, lost most of our garden and went away for Christmas to come back to find the roof of my brand new house (built in '99) leaking and a huge, ugly brown stain on my living room ceiling.

On top of this, after fighting with assorted medical professionals who kept telling me that I'm too young to worry about breast cancer (yeah, right) I find that my family has a 95% chance of carrying the breast cancer gene, and I get to make a decision on whether to have an elective mastectomy.

Then, to make matters worse, Christmas was spent with my family at home (which I am truly grateful for -- we needed time to heal together after the loss of our mom this year) and I come home, feeling like the very last thing I want to do is leave there and come here, where we have no family at all, and my husband point blank refuses to even talk about relocating.

I think I've reached a point in my life where the "adventure" is wearing thin, and I need the comfort of family around us. I didn't realize when we lost mom how much I needed the balm of our loved ones. Am I being selfish? I know my dad only has limited time left, and I want my children to know him as more than a voice on the telephone. What do I do? Hubby's a computer engineer -- it's not like there isn't work for him there -- or for me for that matter, as I can do my work from anywhere.

I could really use some advice here -- I feel like my train is derailed.

-- Tracy (trimmer@westzone.com), January 12, 2001

Answers

How 'bout a hug:-] A HUG!!!!!

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 12, 2001.

You have my sympathy it sounds like you've had some really tough times this last year and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. If relocating isn't an option for you, maybe you can invite you dad to visit a while. I hope you can find solace with your husband and children through this, and hopefully you'll be able to work together to make the right decision for everyone.

-- Anne Tower (bbill@wtvl.net), January 12, 2001.

Yeah buddy,2000 was in my top 5 bad years,similar reasons.

Can you go back home for a month at a time,at least for now? I may be doing something similar.I do understand the need.I have never wanted to go back home,until now.

Apparently a test can be done to see if you actually have the gene.Sister just went thru this,she had breast cancer and is now in chemo.Had the test done.Must have been at John Hopkins.So test before surgery would be my suggestion.

Find out why hubbie won't relocate.Have a real long heart to heart with him.

Hang tough.The sun will shine thru,again,in time.Really BIIGGG hug.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), January 12, 2001.

Tracy, I'm sorry sweetie, it's a tough one I know. My dad had a heart attack and I was far away, but I left the ranch, along with my horse and dogs, and had someone watch them for me while I went to spend time with him. I stayed a month, and he did real well. He passed away a year later, and I am so thankful I had that time with him. Then I took care of my mom for 3 years because dad was no longer there to do it. It's again time I'm glad I had with her.

It's a tug in your heart, I know, when parents have done so much for you all your life, and now it's their turn to be loved and feel important.

I would see if dad can come to stay with you for a while. If there is no way, then I agree with Sharon, go for a long visit with the kids and just be with your family. You are not being selfish. You are just concerned about your family, and that's only natural. When you come back home, everything will look fresh and new again. And think on good thoughts now, don't think the worst. Put your train back on the track, and just do one day at a time the best that you can do.

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), January 13, 2001.

Tracy, I'm right along with you, I am so glad 2000 is over. I know what you mean about wanting to be with family at times like these. My mother had breast cancer several years ago and she lost her left breast but she survived, this is a horrible disease, we lost my cousin who was twenty to bone cancer. I know your worries. This had to be the worst Christmas, my sister left her two boys, one 3 and the other 4, she is addicted to heroin, we have no idea where she is, my parents just have us two girls, they are devastated. I will soon be getting the boys. I know what my sister has done is wrong but, I still love her. I do know that through all this it has strengthened our family more than ever. I know it feels like someone has ripped your guts out at times, but hang in there...to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven. If you ever need to vent you can email me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love in Christ, Judy

-- Judy (allsmile@ctnet.net), January 13, 2001.

NEW BREAST CANCER DETECTION TEST!!!! It's called ductile (ductal?sp) lavage. All breast cancer starts in the milk ducts. Essentially, they place a (tiny!) catheter into your milk ducts and rinse out some cells with a sterile saline solution and they can test to see if they are changing or are in a pre-cancerous state. Very similar to a pap smear. It's new and not readily available, but if you run a search on the net, you should be able to track down an institution that is testing this. The lady that developed this says that she did it to herself several times in the development process and that it doesn't hurt (local anesthetic). It is supposed to be very accurate, and truly preventative, not to mention being the only way to catch it before it happens. Most doctors pretty much agree that by the time a lump is detectable by feel or X-ray, your fate is already sealed. Either you have a quick growing cancer that just zooms up and kills you (and you notice the newly growing lump too late to stop the spread to the lymph system) or the slow growing type (in which the lump slowly gets to detectable size) which will probably be able to be removed with little difficulty. I reccomend that you try to get up with an institution offering this new diagnostic. I believe that I heard this lady speak on the People's Pharmacy (an NPR radio show and a syndicated column) and you may be able to find out more from their website.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), January 13, 2001.

I'm sorry, Tracy, that your year was so unhappy. Yeah, mine wasn't so great either. I lost Dad and my job in one week. But things have to get better, they always do- eventually. You gave me such encouragement when Dad was dying, I wish I could do the same for you now. All I can suggest has already been mentioned. Try to talk to you husband about your concerns. At least try to find out why he doesn't want to talk about moving. If that doesn't work, go to your family as often as you can afford and for as long as you need to. You have to take care of yourself. You have to keep yourself healthy to survive the bad times. All the best, Peg

-- Peg (wildwoodfarms@hushmail.com), January 13, 2001.

I'm with you, my friend! We, too, had some real downers in 2000, especially the diagnosis, realization, and death of my little sister, who succombed at the age of 48 of pancreatic cancer. But we go on, and we do our best. Trust in the wisdom of your God, Whoever He or She may be. "Carrying the cancer gene" is nothing more than a probability, and when we looked into it, the probability was pretty low. I would not have any elective surgery. I would, however, be vigilant in monitoring my condition. On relocating, I guess I have to agree with Mr. Tracy! Any reason your Dad can't move to where you are? You've never really revealed whether or not you have munchkins. If you do, and they have found friends, the move can be quite tough on them. As a career military man, we uprooted our kids a lot, but stopped when they reached high school. After that I commuted over 200 miles each week. But ask Dad to come to you! It's worth a try. And - good luck! As a final note, there are always better times ahead. As proof positive - this is the LAST DAY of Despicable Bill's Reign of Terror! YAHOOOO!!!!

-- Brad (homefixer@SacoRiver.net), January 19, 2001.

Tracy, sounds like you've had a terrible year. :-( Can you spend some extended time visiting your Dad and brother?

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), January 19, 2001.