How to tell 35 year old step daughter that she and her husband must be responsible for their debts. Can someone her age learn to save and live within their means? Her father and I live very thrifty.We are looking forward to a quiet life on our little farm,and don't want lazy bums rattleing our gate asking for handouts.

-- Bettie Ferguson (jobett@dixie-net.com), January 16, 2001

Answers

Response to Need Advice

How about "You're responsible for your debts from now on." And stick to it. You only get taken advantage of if you let yourself.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 16, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

Since I was in the same situation two years ago...I can speak with some authority....

oh yeah!!

anyway..what Cindy said is right. JUST SAY NO!

It's amazing. Now, two years later my son is walking a little taller because she is makingit on her own...without mom's help.

And he loves me even more so...JUST SAY NO.

CHER

-- Cher Rovang (fullcircle@nidlink.com), January 16, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

They're right, you know. Just say, "sorry, but no". And stick to it.

-- Joe (jcole@apha.com), January 16, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

One little thing that makes saying No work even better....never add "because". Any professional or even a good amateur moocher can talk circles around you if you try to tell them you can't "loan" them money because you are almost broke, need the money for the house payment, need to make a major purchase, etc. Just say no, and refuse to discuss it any further regardless of how many times they ask why.

And if you have a problem with guilt, tell yourself you are doing them a favor (you are) because they will NEVER learn to be responsible if someone continues to bail them out. You might add you're leaving all your money to charity, just in case they're inclined to sit around doing nothing, hoping you'll kick the bucket and they'll inherit. BTW, I have a 41 yr. old baby brother, who's been bailed out of trouble since he was 16, and he was just bailed out again yesterday. Unless mommy and daddy cut the purse strings, they never learn.

-- Lenette (kigervixen@webtv.net), January 16, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

My step son had had a rough time adjusting to adulthood. He'd been knocked around a bit by his alchoholic dad and had alot of anger. The result was he went thru a crime spree as a juvenile and we gave him a stiff dose of tuff-love. Among the lessons he was to get, since he was determined to do it his way, was if you think you're mature enuf to take care of yourself, then do it. He fell on his face a couple times and finally learned to be responsible for him self. We never gave him financial help but we did give him moral support and some guidance on how to get a job, how to keep a job, etc.

I'm with Cindy and the others. "JUST SAY NO" and stick to it. They might have a bumpy ride for a bit, but when they get it they'll own it from experience.

-- john leake (natlivent@pcpros.net), January 16, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

Bettie, This sounds so familiar. My parents "helped"(bailed out) my younger brother until he was in his late thirties. When they finally told him no more it was AMAZING how he began to make better decisions. It didn't happen overnight;he still made mistakes. But he also began to make some good decisions, when it was in his own self interest to do so. Today he is fiscally responsible and better off in all areas of his life. I think he has some self-respect now. So yes, they can learn responsibility in their thirties. It may be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do (to say it and stick to it) but you gotta love them enough to help (MAKE) them grow up!

-- Kari (prettyhere@truevine.net), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

Hand her a shovel and a rake and show her where the garden is.Teach her how to can food.You can even be really generous and offer to buy her first batch of seeds.(they don't cost much)When she tells you all that digging and cooking is too much like work,reply that she apperently doesn't need "help" after all.

-- Greg (gsmith@tricountyi.net), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

My reply: DITTO! esp. Greg's answer.

-- Phyllis (almostafarm@yahoo.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

This story is a little different and long--we started out "helping" a family member,that was well into his 20's. We let him live in a small house that we owned. The little house needed lots of work-- we did some things to make it more comfortable, i.e put in new windows, put in a wood stove! HE wasn't to pay us any thing to live there-- just check on my husbands mother and keep the grass mowed!!!It started out great! One month later the grass was knee high and his dog and broke out a window "going" after another dog! three months later (after DH told him to mow the grass) he borrowed our mower and cut the grass! Things went down hill from there! Seven(7) years later he was still living in the house and eating off his grandmother(We raised all her food for her), using her phone (which we paid her bill) using her electicty( which we paid for). By this time "he wouldn't work in a pie factory -tasting pies! Not even if someone fed it to him!" He was on drugs and had a child would he would not take care of!! He had been in jail 4 or 5 times and You guessed it---his grandmother talked my husband (who is his uncle) into bailing him out!!!! Finally DH put his foot down and told him to get out!!!!! Well, you should have heard the things he called my husband--- you guessed it--it was everyones fault but this young man's...My children were very upset that we were paying for this "free ride" and told DH about it several times!!!My children were in college and working and paying their own way and they didn't understand why this guy could get away with it!!! Their dad would NEVER let them do it!!!!!!!

My husband says NO to everyone now!!!!!! Says he isn't going to do this again and tells everyone else to do the same-- from the get go!!!

This is only a small part of Hell we went through with him but you'll get the idea!

JUST SAY NO!!!!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

My parents bailed out my brother until he was fifty years old to the tune of over $100,000 and they are not rich. I tried to talk them out of it over the years and finally they listened. They gave him plenty of notice that they would no longer bail him out financially. Surprise, surprise, he managed to survive on his own. They have not given him anything for about five years now. They are on speaking terms so it did not cause any split between them. I also disagree with one person's comment about not giving a reason. I understand why they say that, but communication is important. The reason to give is the truth, "you have to learn to stand on your own two feet and if I bail you out, you won't learn." Period. That way there are no misunderstandings as to why the sudden change. Keeping the lines of communication open are important. Also, give them reasonable notice of your intent. Waiting until they are in a fix to tell them is also unfair to them. It will cause hard feelings. Instead, put them on notice so they have time to avoid getting in a bind rather than trying to get out of one. But, at the same time, don't make your announcement as you are handing them a bunch of money for the last bail out or they won't believe you. Instead, choose a time out of the blue when they are not looking for a handout and make your announcement. Then stick to it. Remember, experience is the best teacher. Good luck.

-- Colleen (pyramidgreatdanes@erols.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

The other shoe - some young people do benefit from occasional financial help. But 35 is no longer YOUNG! When I was 19 and living in my own apartment, my mother knew it was important that I not have to move home (dysfunctional family, etc). She used to slip me cash and bring over groceries when she wasn't "supposed" to. I am now successful, responsible and independent. I would never have made it without her little gifts (which I NEVER asked for).

-- Deborah (ActuaryMom@hotmail.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

If they do not ask give,if they ask say no.

-- renee oneill{md.} (oneillsr@home.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

Hi Bettie, mine aren't that age yet, but we do help them out and will continue to do so, but under my terms. Work.

Aren't you clearing fenceline, and building fence right now? A perfect opportunity for them to earn money on their time away from their full time jobs. Helping in times of a true crisis is one thing, but I would set down the rules (which should have been set down years ago) but simply say, we are no longer going to be helping you out, we do have extra work that you can do around here, and you will be paid after completion. Works for us. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), January 17, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

I want to thank everyone for all the advice, it really does make me feel better. Could I print out your replies mark out the email and send to step daughter.Or is this a bad idea. Thanks, Bettie

-- Bettie Ferguson (jobett@dixie-net.com), January 18, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

I personally don't care if you give my response to you step daughter but I think it would be a lot more effective if you condensed these responses into you own speech or letter. I think it would pack more punch coming directly from you. She also might be offended that you shared this with others. Not that I think there is anything wrong with that, but it might give her an excuse to focus on what what "you did wrong" instead of what she needs to do to change. Just a thought.

-- Kari (prettyhere@truevine.net), January 18, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

A little off topic, I would like to comment on the idea of parents feeling that they HAVE to pay for their children's college education. I have seen many of my friends make incredible sacrifices and suffer a great deal of anxiety over how they are going to do this.

I knew that my parents were never going to be able to pay my way through college, so I knew that if I wanted to go I had to buckle down and get great grades to qualify for scholarships. I selected a school that had a good work/study program, and I took out a loan that I knew from the start that I would be obligated to pay back myself. My parents did give me a one time gift of $1000, which was a lot of money to us and I really appreciated that show of support. But beyond that I was on my own.

And I valued my college education and worked a lot harder while there than most of my friends and acquaintances who were getting a free ride on their parents' money. For example, I fell into the habit of cutting my least favorite class - until I figured up exactly what it cost me a classroom hour for it. I showed up front and center from then on! It was like burning a $20 every morning I slept in and missed that class.

By not sponsoring my college experience, my parents actually provided me with a valuable lesson in growing up in a pretty safe learning environment. I learned to earn, to budget, to save, and to identify and use additional resources. As an adult, I am not only not upset with my parents for not sending me to college, I am thankful to them for giving me responsibility for myself at an early age. So please don't beat yourself up about this if such is your situation. In my case, it turned out just fine.

-- Lori in SE Ohio (klnprice@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

My oldest is almost 16, homeschooled, tested out last year,so he is plenty bright. Tried his hand at shoplifting a couple of years ago, I told the store manager to have him arrested the stress of the following six months was life treatening to me, I had to go on medication for my heart ect, I have made it clear to him, he will be working by his birthday or the only food he will get is leftovers that no one else wants, and when he is 18 he is out. As long as he works I will make sure he has food, if no work no help. He has been looking a little bit nervous lately, he will be 16 on Feb. 5th.

-- Thumper (slrldr@aol.com), January 21, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

When my children were teenagers, they got a LARGE dose off "tough love" from mean old' Mom. They hated me...they ranted...they raved! Guess what? Now they are strong, law abiding adults! Oh yeah, it hurt me to do that, but,who said parenting was fun?

-- Ardie from WI (a6203@hotmail.com), January 23, 2001.

Response to Need Advice

I would like to add to Vickie McG from Texas. NEVER give out the dough until the terms are met, more people get taken by giving the money or favor out in front of the deal. This statement covers most all deals. Wayne Roach

-- Wayne Roach (R-WAY@msn.com), January 23, 2001.

I will tell you what my parents did for me. they got so sick of me asking for money, and braking them financially, they told me they were going to insert a bit of tough love. i called it cruel, but it worked, and i am thankful now. they told me under no uncertain terms, that i was going to make it on my own and be responsible, and if i ended up in a homeless shelter, then so be it. it would hurt them, but they had had enough. no more money, no more living at home etc.. well, once i realized they wernt joking, i got my act together, and supported myself. it was not easy, as i almost did end up in a shelter. my folks love was plentyful, i visited and came over for dinner and things, but the money was not there anymore. it made our relationship stronger, and i did not every hate them for making me an adult. hope this helps.

-- Laurie L. Smith (oceanic725@yahoo.com), January 26, 2002.

I can only add another ditto to the above answers, from personal experience, I can say that too much help, trying to make everything easy and spare them from suffering only weakens them. We have twins, a boy and a girl, and the girl ALWAYS managed to make me feel guilty, and I helped her too much. Got her out of every situation she got in, always tried to make things easier for her, to spare her from the abusive marriage I had been in, etc. To this day, although we quit helping her out of scrapes years ago, she hates us and says we never did anything for her. Her brother, however, never asks for anything, but instead, always asks what he can do for us. We quit helping him a few years before her, and I guess he just grew up sooner! Good luck, and stick to your guns! Jan

-- Jan in CO (Janice12@aol.com), January 26, 2002.