Appearently, this is what is taught to the drivers in my area, because so many of them follow these rules:

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.

When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.

When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.

If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.

Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.

When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.

Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.

Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.

You always have the right of way.

Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.

Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.

Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.

While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.

Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.

If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.

Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.

When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.

Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers: "Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT SHIT" "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you" "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" "If you can read this, you're too close" "Watch my ass, not hers" "I'd rather be skiing" "I brake for no apparent reason" "I drive this way just to piss you off"

Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.

Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.

Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.

Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.

If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.

If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.

Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.

When at a gas station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card.

If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.

Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.

Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.

If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.

If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic.

Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours.

When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.

If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.

On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.

If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.

If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.

When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.

Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!"

If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.

If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.

When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.

When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.

The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.

If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.

When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.

When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable to repeatedly make the "ding" sounds.

Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.

If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant.

Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.

When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.

When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.

Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.

If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.

After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.

Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.

While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.

If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his ass kicked.

Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.

Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.

When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.

When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight.

Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals.

When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it.

Save money. Don't bother with insurance.

If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird."

If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.

After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.

When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap.

If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.

If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.

Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.

When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.

If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".

If you are bored and looking for something interesting to do on a summer night, try CAR BOWLING. To do this, you drive through a residential neighborhood on garbage night. Hold a bowling ball out the car window and drive as fast as you can. Then slam on the brakes and let the ball go.

If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.

There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your red lights and go for it.

When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears.

When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.

When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.

If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow down to throw the papers out the window.

Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat.

Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel.

If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't.

Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.

If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.

Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.

If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.

When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.

When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.

Courtesy of How to Drive like a Moron Website

-- kritter again (everyone@knows.it.by.heart), January 17, 2001

Answers

Kritter, a couple of comments (besides thanking you for a really good posting):

There was an article I read a few years back, on the lives of DC cabdrivers, and one jovial soul observed that "whoever invented the finger really started something." How true.

Also, I occasionally buy the world's most fearless newspaper, the World Weekly News. Their crusading columnist, Ed Anger, has long advocated that women getting tested for drivers licence be required to apply makeup while traveling at speed.

-- Peter Errington. (petere@ricochet.net), January 17, 2001.

Kritter,

I always suspected you were originally from Illinois! But, I detect a bit of a mean-spirited posting here. Most of these things I can agree with. But . . . just what do you have against nose-picking in the car? (So long as one doesn't flip the nasal contents on another driver, or car.) It is a well-established custom of drivers, especially of the male gender. [Women pick also, but will never admit it, even under the threat of torture.]

-- Gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 17, 2001.

Gene..I admit I pick my nose. There. However, I don't use a bare finger, I use a tissue, wrapped around my finger...thus making it sanitary. How else could one remove stubborn boogers from ones nose??

By the way, I am the BEST driver in this ENTIRE state. Maybe in the whole world. If only everyone would drive like me, the world would be a nicer place. And think like me. That's important too.

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), January 18, 2001.

Kritter,

I am glad to hear that you will admit you pick your nose. It is a very human thing to do, and something we should all own up to, if not be proud of. However, since you use the tissue, do you then save the tissue and its contents when you have accomplished your task? It wouldn't be right to throw it out the window, since that would be littering. But digitally flipping the nasal debris out the window would not be littering, since it is simply a small (usually) piece of organic matter which would soon be incorporated into the ecosystem.

We are all glad to know that you are a really outstanding driver, and do not doubt that you really are the best driver in the whole world. For my part, I shall try to become more like you, and start wrapping my finger in a shop rag when I pick my nose in the car.

-- Gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 19, 2001.

Gene, I think Martha Stewart types carry cutsie litter bags in their cars.

When I was hacking up tons of mucus during my last chest cold while commuting, I kept a stack of paper table napkins on the seat beside me. I threw the used ones into a one gallon plastic bucket that I placed on the floor of the passenger side.

The downside was that I forgot to empty the bucket and place it in the backseat before picking up my girlfriend from work. She spent the rest of the evening teasing me about what was **really** on those soaked napkins and made rude remarks about what might have inspired me to make such a mess during my morning commute.

I got back at her, though. I sneaked a neon-blue pair of briefs into her briefcase, which she ran across at just the right moment. One of her colleagues told me that my girlfriend's face was red for quite awhile!

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

Krit,

What a nice thing to do to your friend.

You should understand that guys almost always spit out the window, after they roll it down, usually. Here again, one must be careful not to soil another person's car, especially if he is named Guido or Vinnie, and wears a double-breasted suit. Sometimes the air turbulence can cause some difficulty with back-spray, if one isn't careful in his projection, but it generally is better than a bucket of oysters in the passenger's seat, although it is certainly an impressive mental image.

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 20, 2001.

Gene, The amount that I was hacking up was too copious to clear the door frame, hence the napkins. That came after having to wash the side of my car. I shall not elaborate further.

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

That certainly sounds awesome, and pretty congested. You should have been in the hospital instead of in the car. At least you could get rid of it instead of drowning in it. Yuk.

Have you noticed that you and I are the only nose-pickers and spitters posting to this thread?

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 20, 2001.

Gene, that's probably because we're the only pickers and spitters online at the moment. The rest are out picking and spitting as they drive around.

Heck, it's something like 2 degrees out there. I'm not going anywhere.

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

Gene!!, that wasn't ME hacking up mucous, that was kb8um or whatever combo of letters and numbers that name is. Eww!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), January 21, 2001.

kb or kb8, Kritter. I'd go by "Dave," but there are a lot of Daves online, some of whom are downright rude. My writing may border on the sarcastic sometimes, but I'm not rude.

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 21, 2001.

OOHhh sorry for the mixup Kritter and Kb. It's comforting to know that there are more than just a couple of us normal folks in this board.

-- Gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 21, 2001.

Gene,

Don't worry about it. You were probably "occupied" while you were typing. And on that note... Bah-BUMP!

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 21, 2001.

Well, Dave is a funny name for a lady. There goes my whole image of YOU. Btw, the "eww" was for the mucous ladden tissues, not for your name. I, of course, have never really had mucous or boogers in real life. Not even farts. Not a one, ever! Not even a silent one!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), January 21, 2001.

What image did you have of me, Krit? Maybe I shouldn't ask.

and you do too fart. Everyone does. Even Martha. But I'll make you a deal: we can change the topic back to moronic drivers. Or the life span of fruitcakes. Your call.

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 21, 2001.

Kritter has admitted on this forum that *all* women fart, and suggested that her daughter was adept at it. So if she denies it now, she is just "pulling a Clinton on us," and changing her story on a technicality. In a chat the other day she also admitted to picking her nose, although she didn't elaborate on what she "came up with" on the conclusion of the expedition.

Now, to relate this to moronic drivers - in the interest of avoiding thread drift - I was following a driver down a highway a couple of years ago. He had his left arm out his window, and was flipping his index finger vigorously in an effort to dislodge the fruits of his labors. I'll bet we followed this guy for several miles as he attempted to fling the clinger from his finger. Laughed like crazy, and wanted to drive along side and say, "Reach up and wipe it in the rain gutter."

Just a practical insight to make your driving safer and more comfortable.

Gene

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 21, 2001.

"Wipe it in the rain gutter" ... I'm laughing so hard that I have tears rolling down my face.

I went to school at Michigan State, and in the spring, there was this street party called the Red Cedar Bash (or some such), which was basically a 12-hour drinking party. I made the mistake one year of driving down and picking up my housemates at 2 am so that they would make it home and not have to spend the night in jail.

The bad part was that I forgot exactly where they wanted to be picked up, so I was driving my poor Ford Wagon (this was before I bought the Civic) through crowds of drunken students. By the time I found the pick up point, my vehicle was covered with beer, urine, whipped cream, and what looked like boogers on the back window.

The good part was that the guys washed the wagon for me the next day while I was sleeping in.

I was grossed out that the time, but now I think it's funny. I've also been up a lot of hours. Lots of things are really funny.

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 21, 2001.

kb,

that is certainly a huge insult to one's car. I have a strong stomach, but your description makes me feel like throwing up. So I suspect your story is having its intended effect. I have another disgusting experience in mind, but the mere thought of writing it is causing my stomach to churn.

Besides, this is really Kritter's thread, and I'm sure she wants to maintain a certain (albeit tiny) amount of dignity.

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), January 23, 2001.

Well put, Gene. I shall return to less uncomfortable descriptions of moronic drivers.

This morning during rush, I wittnessed a woman behind the wheel of an SUV applying makeup, sipping coffee, and turning around to talk to a child in the back seat. When I passed her, she was picking up a cell phone. Our average speed was around 25 mph and it was a bungee morning (bungee effect is when the cars speed up and then suddenly hit a pocket of stopped or much slower drivers all at once.)

A few days ago, I saw a guy dry shaving with a plastic razor, talking on a cell phone, and steering with his elbows during rush.

I've heard of multi-tasking but this is too much! Will we ever get back to drivers who just drive?

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 23, 2001.