Smile a While! ___________ 1greenspun.com : LUSENET : Catholic : One Thread
[Folks, you can share this true story with your favorite priest, especially if he happens to have the honorary title "Monsignor." The title does not give a man more authority. It is granted by a pope, in response to a request by a local bishop, often to a "veteran" priest who has done some special service. John]
Years ago, someone asked the question:
"Where do monsignors come from -- how are they made?"
It happened at a reception in honor of a newly named monsignor, Fr. Fenton J. Runge, director of the Papal Volunteer program of the St. Louis archdiocese.
"Well, it's like this," Msgr. Runge said in reply to the question.
"A priest is ordained.
"A bishop is consecrated.
"But a monsignor is only 'created.' And you know what creation is -- that's making something out of nothing."
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), February 27, 2001
-- (_@_._), February 27, 2001.
A Boy Scout, the Pope, and Carl Sagan were aboard an airplane when, at 10,000 feet, the engine died.
There were three parachutes aboard, and the pilot grabbed one of them and jumped for his life.
Carl Sagan immediately grabbed a pack, strapped it on, and said to the other two, "I am Carl Sagan. I know billions and billions of facts about the universe and life on this planet. If I were to die, it would be a great loss to mankind, since I am quite possibly the world's smartest man."
So saying, Sagan jumped, leaving the Pope and the little boy.
John Paul turned to the child and said, "Young man, I have lived a good and full life, and I know that the afterlife is waiting for me. You have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute."
But the boy scout replied cheerfully, "Holy Father, we can both go. The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 27, 2001.
Here's a cute true story. It happened many years ago in Salinas, CA, in the house of my Uncle Henry and Aunt Carmen, both departed to their eternal reward now. Henry told it like this:
''I'm in the bathroom shaving, and I hear the doorbell. A minute goes by, and I peek into our living room. My wife has a smile on her face, and I see this woman standing over by the parlor window, using our telephone. She is chewing gum and chattering away on the phone, her foot is up on the bay window shelf, and she's scratching her other leg. She talked for about ten minutes, I guess. Then hangs up, and says, ''Thanks, see ya!'' and leaves, just like that. I look at Carmen, and ask --''Who was that ?'' She answers, ''A stranger; she came to the door. She needed to use our phone.''
Uncle Henry: ''Have you gone crazy? Letting that person in here, that awful woman? Don't ever do such a dumb thing again!'' And then, he went on: ''Are you ready? Wanta know what my wife said to that? ''I thought about it a moment, and then I invited her inside. I wondered, maybe she might be --Our Blessed Mother. You know, in disguise?''
We all began to laugh and clap our hands! Our lovely Aunt Carmen looked at us all quietly. She just smiled. There is a lady who is in heaven today; I'll never doubt it!
-- eugene c. chavez (email@example.com), February 27, 2001.
Heart-warming story, Gene. Thanks. JFG
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 27, 2001.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
-- Ed Lauzon (email@example.com), March 01, 2001.
Good one, Ed! I heard a new one on a tape yesterday.
Down in a "Bible belt" diocese, the bishop assigns a priest to the only parish in a small town, where the only other religious congregation is one headed by a notoriously anti-Catholic Fundamentalist preacher.
The priest decides that he is going to ignore the preacher's ill will and try to befriend him. Hearing that the preacher loves to hunt for ducks -- as does the priest -- the Padre visits the preacher and invites him to do some shooting at the local pond early on Saturday morning. The Fundy accepts, saying, "Reverend, ya'll ain't so bad as yore predecessor. But I still hate yore Cat'lic nonsense."
On Saturday morning, the men drive over to the pond, each with his favorite retrieving dog, and begin to do some serious hunting. When the priest shoots down a duck, he tells the preacher: "Watch this. I'll send my holy dog for that duck." The dog runs out into the pond and strolls across the surface of the water to get the duck, not getting anything but his paws wet.
This act is repeated several times, the priest's dog never sinking, until the men decide to call it a day.
The priest turns to the preacher and asks, "Well, did you see my dog?"
"Yep," the preacher answers."
"So what do you think?" asks the priest.
Replies the Fundy, "Ah think Cat'lic dogs cain't swim.
[God bless you. John]
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 01, 2001.
When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home.
Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.
Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), March 05, 2001.
Thanks for the laugh, John! I loved watching lightning (still do, as a matter of fact). When I was little, I liked to imagine that the lightning was a crack in the sky that showed the light of Heaven. I knew it was just electricity, (just electricity? what am I saying?) but I liked the idea.
-- Hannah (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 05, 2001.
[Love your childlike concept, Hannah (lightning was a crack in the sky that showed the light of Heaven)! JG]
Traveling through Texas, the former British ambassador, Lord Halifax, stopped at the Consolidated Aircraft plant in Ft. Worth to address the workers.
The Texan who introduced him seemed a bit confused as to how he should refer to the titled envoy, but he managed to get through beautifully until his closing remark, which was:
"When the speech is over, if anyone wants to ask questions, the Lord will provide the answer."
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), March 06, 2001.
An Irish man emigrates to London and as soon as he arrives he does what most Irish emigrants do ... he locates the nearest Irish pub. Having found a suitable imbibing emporium owned by a man of Irish descent, he goes up to the bar and orders four pints of Guiness and proceeds to drink them all by himself.
This goes on for a week, and the barman is intrigued, so he asks him why he always orders four pints.
"Well", says he "I have three brothers back home, and before I left, we made an agreement that whenever we would go for a drink, we would always have one for each of us to keep the memory alive."
"I see", says the barman, "that's a great idea."
Then one day the Irishman comes in and orders three pints. The barman reasons it out that one of the brothers must have died so he goes over the the man and says, "I'm sorry for your trouble."
"What trouble?" says the man.
"Well, you ordered three pints. I thought that one of your brothers must have passed away."
"Not at all," says the man, "but it's Lent, and I'm off the drink."
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 07, 2001.
A fellow dies and goes to the "pearly gates."
It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, after the guy passes the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock, not on the wall, but in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Hillary's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), March 12, 2001.
A couple had two boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble, and their parents could be assured that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the priest. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The priest agreed to speak with the boys, but asked that they come to visit him individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first.
The priest sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself into his closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in B-I-I-I-G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 13, 2001.
I got this one from "Laugh-A-Lot"
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God, the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well then says God, " let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did He do it?
God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn... Jesus Saves!"
-- Wesley (email@example.com), March 14, 2001.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, though, the saint left his desk at the gate, came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and an angel took the lawyer by the hands, guided him up to the front of the line, and settled him into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and, by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 14, 2001.
here's one, a lawyer was waiting to get into Heaven, but there was a long line. After a few decades, someone in a white coat, headlamp, and black bag cut the entire line, nodded to St. Peter, and went right in!
The lawyer was very upset, and demanded to know who that guy was that he was so special, to which St. Peter replied,
"Oh, that was God."
This puzzled the lawyer, who asked why God would wear such attire. St. Peter said,
"Well, sometimes He likes to play doctor."
God playing doctor...I liked the turn-of-phrase :o)
-- Anthony (email@example.com), March 14, 2001.
That's a switch, Anthony!
[The following was seen in a student's nightmare ...]
THEOLOGY 911 * FINAL EXAM *
1. Summarize Thomas Aquinas' "Summa Theologiae" in three succinct sentences. You may use your bible.
2. St. Martin of Tours and Pope Clement VII were not contemporaries. Had they known each other, how would the history of the Reformation turned out differently?
3. Define a moral system that satisfies Liberals, Conservatives, Moderates, and the entire population of Ancient Rome circa 3 BC.
4. Memorize the Bible. Recite it in tongues.
5. Imagine you have the stigmata. Would it affect your productivity at work? Would you still be admitted into fine restaurants? Would it be covered by your medical insurance, or should it constitute a pre-existent condition?
6. St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine of Hippo decide to rob a bank. The note to the teller is 1,200 pages long, not counting footnotes, complete with a promise of damnation if the teller does not accept immediate Baptism. In the middle of the heist, they engage in an extended debate as to whether or not the money really exists. Are they committing a mortal or a venial sin?
7. Speculate on what the current status of salvation history might have been if Abraham had just stayed in Ur.
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 15, 2001.
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice ...
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
-- (email@example.com), March 16, 2001.
The rectory where Father Kevin, our pastor, stays is located adjacent to the main line of a railroad. Rita, his housekeeper has quarters located at the rear of the building and quite close to the railroad tracks. At times when the trains go by, the vibration has been so great that it has completely shaken her out of bed. For weeks her complaints to Father Kevin went unnoticed then finally one day after mentioning it still another time, he agreed to go with her to her room a wait for the 12:05pm. freight train which was scheduled to pass by in order to apprise himself of the extent of the problem.
When they arrived at Rita’s room she promptly laid on the bed and invited Fr. Kevin to lay beside her and get ready for the train’s arrival. As the two lay in bed quietly side-by-side, as luck would have it the Bishop happened to be in the neighbourhood and decided to drop in on Father Kevin for lunch. The front door was unlocked and as was his custom the good Bishop walked right in. When he could find no one in the office of the rectory, and no one responded to his calls, he became quite concerned for the safety of Father Kevin and his housekeeper and so, he began to search the entire rectory. When all efforts had failed and the Bishop had not turned up his missing pastor or his housekeeper, he realized that he still had not checked the housekeepers quarters and so, off he went to see if they were there.
When he arrived at the housekeepers room the door was slightly ajar and so the Bishop walked right in. To his amazement, there was the pastor, Father Kevin, and his housekeeper, Rita, lying in bed. “What is the meaning of this?” the Bishop bellowed! Father Kevin, now realizing he was in deep doo doo, looked up sheepishly at the Bishop and said the only thing that came to mind, “Your Excellency, you’re not going to believe this but, we’re waiting for a train!”
-- Ed Lauzon (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 18, 2001.
Overheard in Church one Sunday morning from a lector: "A reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Fallopians!"
-- Ed Lauzon (email@example.com), March 18, 2001.
[I can understand "... to the Philippines" (an early East Asian mission), but I can't "conceive" of "... to the Fallopians."]
God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion.
God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you will be amazed. It will cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 18, 2001.
Q: What strong New Testament evidence do we have that God disapproves of polygamy?
A: Matthew 6:24 ... "No man can serve two masters..."
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), March 19, 2001.
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens, and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she glanced up angrily toward the heavens.
"When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 21, 2001.
Only A Mother's Love:
One day when I was just a child my brother Johnny was playing in the front yard with the boy who lived next door. Within minutes as boys often do, they were at each other, rolling around on the lawn and finally, the boy from next door had my brother pinned to the lawn and was pummelling him with blows. The ruckus did not go unnoticed and within no time flat my mother sprang from the house with her kitchen broom in hand. As she approached the two fighting youths she began to swipe at the neighbour boy with her broom screaming, "Leave him alone you brute! Leave him alone! Don't you know you are not supposed to be fighting with one another!" The boy's attention was significantly diverted so that my brother could extricate himself from his predicament.
The following day, after having patched up their differences the two boys were again on the front yard looking forward to the day ahead of them. Within minutes they were again embroiled in a dispute and began exchanging blows. This time however, the roles were reversed and it was my brother who was on top and delivering blows to the boy next door. When my mother heard all the commotion going on outside, she came to the front door to see what the trouble was. In realizing what was going on she screamed, "Give it to him Johnny! Give it to him!"
-- Ed Lauzon (email@example.com), March 22, 2001.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said at the graveyard:
"Glory be to the Father ... and to the Son ... and into the hole you go ..."
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 24, 2001.
There was once a successful townhouse salesman who died and then proceeded into the afterlife.
At the pearly gates, he was met by St. Peter, who asked him whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. The saint gave him a chance to take a tour of both and decide for himself -- just as the realtor had often given tours to prospective buyers.
First, he was taken to heaven, where he was shown people praying and in general leading a very austere kind of existence. Then he was taken to have a view of hell, where he saw people were drinking, laughing, and having a good time.
When taken back to St. Peter, the salesman asked to be put in hell. Suddenly, a huge and ugly servant appeared, grabbed him gruffly by the arm, and took him to the nether regions. The real estate man was shocked to see that there were people being tortured everywhere and lots of boiling oil and devilish creatures.
He exclaimed to the attendant, "This was not what I was shown a short while ago".
To this, the attendant cackled and replied, "Ah, that was our demo model!"
-- J. F. Gecik (email@example.com), March 25, 2001.
[I wasn't certain if the following joke could be offensive, so I sent it to a Jewish co-worker to evaluate. This was her reply: "John, I think that this joke is cute. It is pretty mild."]
One day a priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says, "For a man of the cloth, the haircut is free!" The priest thinks, "What a nice man!" The next day the barber finds a bottle of wine outside his shop.
Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. The barber says, "For a man of the cloth, the haircut is free!" The minister thinks, "What a nice man!" The next day, the barber finds a box of chocolates outside his shop.
Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut "on the house." The rabbi thinks, "What a nice man!" The next day, the barber finds a long line of rabbis outside his shop.
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 26, 2001.
After his ignoble disgrace, satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called 'Man,' I hear, is soon to be created."
"This is true," the Almighty replied.
"He will need laws," said the demon slyly.
"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?"
"Oh, no!" satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own."
It was so granted.
-- (email@example.com), March 27, 2001.
Thinking it was about time his lighthearted son developed a sense of responsibility, a father sat down to have a chat with the youngster.
"Jimmy," he began, "you're growing up now, and you should take things a little more seriously. Stop for a minute to think --- if I were to die tonight, where would you be?"
The boy's response was prompt. "I'd be right here, Dad. The question is, where would YOU be?"
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), March 28, 2001.
Mateo, If you read John's first post in this thread it might help with your question about how a Priest becomes a Monsignor.
-- David (David@excite.com), December 01, 2002.
Thanks David! LOL :-)
-- (MattElFeo@netscape.net), December 01, 2002.