My brother in law is currently in an abusive marriage. His wife is verbally extremely cruel to him and his family, stabs him, and who knows what else. I think she is mentally ill in some way but will not get help. She has 4 children from a previous marriage and they just had a little baby girl about a year ago. She has forced him to quit his job so he is currently unemloyed, she has to know where he is at all times and checks up on him, forces him to lie to get things from his family and tried to alienate him from his family and friends. She is verbally abusive to his family and the things she says she seems to make up in her head. We haven't spoken to them in a couple of years becuase she started writing us abusive letters and frankly we didn't want any part of her hysteria. We are very worried about him and do care and miss him very much but we can't have a relationship with him when he is with her. I don't want my children to have to deal with her verbal abuse as well. We live in another state. He has been stabbed at least twice that I know of and has gone to his mother's once and his sister's once. Both times he has gone back to her. He has lost a lot of weight and I am just so concerned. I see all of the signs in him that I see from women on the news that just won't leave. I know he is allowing this to go on but does he not realize that this is not normal behavior? He does talk to his sister and I have thought about trying to get through to him through her. We don't have their phone number. She doesn't allow anyone to have it... and any letters would be intercepted. Is there anything we can do?

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Answers

Sheila,

I read your email, but it is December 2001 now and I don't know if you will even get this response. I hope you were able to get help for your brother, but I know that is unlikely as there doesn't appear to be any help available for male victims of spousal abuse. My brother is in jail right now after sneaking in his house and rescuing his four year old son. Our family has been dealing for several years with a similar situation as what you recount. I lost count of all the times my brother wound call me wisphering so that his wife couldn't hear that he didn't know what to do because she was abusing him physically. One time she assaulted him punching him and hitting him repeatedly in the face and head as he sat on the sofa holding their two year old son. My mother witnessed that incident. They left the house together and his wife called the police claiming he had kidnapped the child. He was arrested just on her claims that he'd assaulted her, with no sign of any injury. This is so unfair. He is on 100% veterans disability for PTSD and she would say "Who do you think they will believe? Me or a "psycho PTSD vet on disability." Well, they believed her and our calls to the authorities were useless too because no one believed us either. This is crazy. There needs to be some type of legislative remedy. Domestic violence is wrong regardless of who is committing it and the doctrine that has developed that women are always the victims is also wrong. There has to be a better way to discern who the victim is in these situations than simply believing the woman regardless of the absence of any evidence of abuse than just because she says it happened.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 2001

I don't have much advice to offer except that the one who files official paperwork first is usually the once who is believed. Depending on what state you are in, a man who files charges first, obtains a restraining order with custody provisions first, and/or files for divorce first is usually able to win his case. I would consult an experienced domestic relations attorney in that area. I would of course ask them what their views on the existance and/or credibility of male victims of domestic abuse is. Once she has been able to 'establish' that she is abused or afraid of abuse, any action by the man is put under suspicion.

I sincerely wish both of you luck in your rescue efforts. I am contemplating a similar situation except that I am the sister of the abuser. If I try to help my brother-in-law directly I risk alienation from my family. I am looking for ways to get dv literature to him to make him understand his rights and the truth about her treatment of him. I hope he will act and take custody of their child before it goes on much longer. I don't fear any extreme results in this case but nobody deserves the treatment she gives out and I seriously doubt that she is ready to acknowledge that she is abusive, agree to counselling, or take any steps to correct the problem.

Michelle

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002