Drunks at parties, etc. What would you do? (MISC

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What do you do if you are at a party/barbecue/sporting event (or whatever) and someone who appears obviously drunk is making a fool of himself? For instance, he's talking loudly about his opinion on politics or, I don't know.....what he thinks of women, which in this case could be derogatory, or something racist, or something otherwise offensive (pick your own discomfort topic, I guess.) At any rate, it would be something that folks around him are uncomfortable listening to. What would you do?

Would it make much difference if it were someone you knew? Would you behave differently toward a stranger?

Would you just avoid the person who is behaving the way he is? (Let's assume you can move to another seat or walk away.) Or do you think it would be worthwhile to take him aside and suggest that he isn't acting in his own best interest? Or maybe you would try discussing/arguing a different perspective? Or what? Is it best just to ignore him, knowing that most people "get" the fact that he is making an *** out of himself? Would you be afraid that he might get violent?

What happens if a bunch of other drunks come up and start defending him while you are there? Then what would you do?

Coming up on the outdoor event and party season here....My guess is that it's easier to walk away, but what are your thoughts? And let's suppose you like to go to these parties/events and don't want to avoid seeing your friends or the game or whatever attracts you there in the first place. (Can't weasel out by saying you would never go there in this scenario...okay?)

Thanks in advance for your replies!

-- sheepish (WA) (rborgo@gte.net), March 31, 2001

Answers

I never try to talk to a drunk, they just can't hear you. Generally they already have thier booze soaked mind already made up. Often they will have little or no memory of the event the following day. If I become irritated with the situation I leave. I do not require permission if I decide to leave, and I owe no explanation to anyone. So if your party has a bunch (a bunch being one or more) of drunks present I probably won't stay long. I go to functions like that to enjoy myself, and I do not find a drunk enjoyable at all.

-- Ed Copp (OH) (edcopp@yahoo.com), March 31, 2001.

if its at your home,, its YOUR respomsibility to make sure ALL your guests are having a good time,, Id talk to the person,, and see if that helps,, if not,, give em a ride home

-- stan (sopal@net-port.com), March 31, 2001.

If it's a stranger or acquaintence, I'd walk away and say nothing (and probably be sure they aren't driving). If it's someone I know well, I'd probably talk to them about their behavior the next day. In fact, I'd confront them while they are hungover, when they feel the most remorse! You can't reason with a drunk person, so confronting them while they are drunk won't work.

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), March 31, 2001.

Sheepish, unless it was my party or event I would walk away and watch him at a distance. Though I silently would love to tell him what I think, I actually enjoy watching and on this forum reading folks making fools of themselves! I always think of it like this, if he is this comfortable drinking this much in public, hitting his kids in public, talking ugly to his wife in public, you can only imagine what he is like behind closed doors in private. Much, much worse. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), March 31, 2001.

I grew up in the land of binge drinking (wisconsin). Don't care to hang out with drunks anymore. It's a choice.

-- jz (oz49us@yahoo.com), March 31, 2001.


QUIT INVITING STAN TO YOUR PARTIES

-- (redbob@aol.com), March 31, 2001.

Hee Hee! And don't let him near the bar-be-que pit if you have any family pets. He seems inordinately fond of arbitrary slaughter.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), March 31, 2001.

Unless the drunk starts to get violent, I leave them alone.Walk away, try to ignore them, whatever. It's not a real good idea to tell a drunk how foolish they are, kind of like throwing gas on a fire.

-- Doreen (animalwaitress@excite.com), April 01, 2001.

Gee, I didn't know that you met my ex-husband! Seriously, if the fool is at my home, he is outa there without car keys and with a ride. That person would never get the opportunity to repeat the actions in my home. If the drunk is anywhere else, I leave. There is no arguing with a drunk. If it is a person I know I may let them know what an ass he made of himself. But then, that didn't stop the ex either!

-- Ardie from WI (a6203@hotmail.com), April 01, 2001.

If it were at my place, I'd find the drunk's escort (if there is one) and ask them to leave. Though if it were at my place there wouldn't have been any alcohol provided to start with. If I'm somewhere else, it depends....usually just ignore them if I can but, also talk to the host/hostess about them. If they are being abusive to someone...all rules are off...I don't care who they are they WILL stop. I'll call the police if necessary..intercede in the meantime. Distract them.. Grew up around this behavior, don't take kindly to it now.

-- Deborah in WY (bearwaoman@Yahoo.com), April 01, 2001.


If it's the same person, who has been drunk and obnoxious at several parties, he obviously has an alchohol problem. I'd get together with the hosts and hostesses of the parties and discuss having the parties without any alchohol. I think most of us would have the capacity to be obnoxious if our inhibitions against doing so were relaxed, as alchohol does. If it was a sporting event,where the beer is flowing freely,I'd move as far away as possible. Yes, I'd be afraid he'd get violent. If confronted I would probably try to reason with him, but not expect it to be very fruitful as he is not in his right mind.

-- Rebekah Leaf (daniel@itss.net), April 01, 2001.

I agree that there is no point in talking to/arguing with a person who is intoxicated. I have a friend who USED to be the felon in these situations, the next day she would swear that I was making a big deal out of nothing, until I secretly video taped her antics and invited her over to 'see herself'. She is MUCH better now. As for racist and derogatory comments made by a guest, I would just leave and make sure I told the host of the party WHY I was leaving. If said idiot was not under the influence, I would speak out, as I often do in public or personal situations.

-- Kathy (catfish201@hotmail.com), April 01, 2001.

Hmm......So what would you do if he *wasn't* drunk, then? Let's just say that he was simply "obnoxiously opinionated?" Would you still walk away, or would you instead feel compelled to try to change his thinking?

Again, would it matter if he was someone you knew, or not? Would it matter if, by engaging him in some kind of conversation to attempt to change his thinking, YOU contributed to the continued disruption of the party/event? (What if people around you were actually bothered by the fact that you needed to "set him straight" at the ball game or whatever. People perhaps would be getting upset because they might think that if only YOU would walk away, HE might finally shut up ....)

Would you walk away? Find another seat? Continue arguing with him to change his mind?

How much would you care that other people around you were irritated not only with him, but now with YOU because of your participation as well? Is changing his mind more important than keeping the party going well?

Still pondering this...thanks for your thoughts......

-- sheepish (WA) (rborgo@gte.net), April 01, 2001.


I live in a dry county and hang out with mostly church folks who don't drink, so at home and in friends' homes it usually doesn't come up. In public, I try to distance myself. I hate confrontation and can't be very eloquent when I am emotional. Besides, no bigot was ever converted by a public encounter. If drunk, they can get REALLY beligerent, sober..well, they have even less excuse. Fortunately, if it's your home, you have the right to invite and exclude whomever you choose. At someone elses home, you can either distance yourself or leave. You can also ask about the guest list ahead of time. If enough folks refused to come if "Mr X" is going to be there, maybe he would be left off the next one.

-- melina b. (goatgalmjb1@hotmail.com), April 02, 2001.

Sheepish, if confronting this person *in a social situation* would ruin the party, then I'd leave it be. Sometimes it's okay to just let it go. Some people cannot be convinced to change their ideas, and if you do the arguing in a group where you are outnumbered, it will only manifest in stress. The situation you describe sounds so familiar to me as I used to try to convert people to my way of thinking. I always ended up as the bad guy while the true jerk was defended by all, especially as it pertains to in-law matters. Now I don't bother, relishing the security of knowing that it's okay for me to think differently than others. And certainly, don't bother arguing with the drunk person with strange ideas! You will get nowhere.

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), April 02, 2001.


Well, I'd move if I could... If not, I would probably just leave.

If it were a friend or even someone I just 'knew' I would try talking, but then having experience with that, I would only try so long. Depends on the situation. Were this person a danger, I would talk to him, but I would have some folks who knew what I was doing - and my husband would probably talk me out of it......

-- Sue Diederich (willow666@rocketmail.com), April 02, 2001.


If you're at someone else's party and this happens, it's up to the host/hostess to deal with it. If it offend you greatly, then leave. if you're the host/hostess, then it's up to you.

-- nobrabbit (conlane@prodigy.net), April 02, 2001.

Leave...your friends will follow. Don't even bother trying to talk to him/her..there is no reasoning with them. Why would he keep being invited? Leave him out of a few and if he shows tell him he's not welcome.(Up to the host/hostess)

-- Lynn(MO) (mscratch1@semo.net), April 02, 2001.

Sheepish, Apparently, you are not, and neither am I. Depending on the situation, I would speak up A) Now B) or Later. I do not tolerate racism, abuse or bigotry in any form. Would it serve any purpose to make a scene?: sometimes [like when the woman in front of me in the grocery store, is dressing down the clerk for making a 5c mistake, yo- it ain't a kidney-get over it]Or the parent just slapped his kid in the face {Hit me, and see where you end up}In a social situation, whether the person is intoxicated, or just a jerk, I would be more subtle(maybe). This isn't about winning friends, it's about social awareness, and what each and everyone of us are doing to help our neighbors and fellow man. I am not a crusader. I am very simply, a woman who lives in a community, that she would like to be a better place. So, be real careful how you talk to that clerk!

-- Kathy (catfish201@hotmail.com), April 02, 2001.

If I ran across the situation and it was offending my wife or children, I would confront the individual (providing we didn't wish to leave)as soon as I asked my wife to remove my kids from the area.

If it turned violent, oh well, if I get the opportunity I'd see if I could get him to digest a couple teeth.

If the offending party is a woman, I would high tail it out of there. I don't have a whole lot of teeth to spare.

-- Glenn (gj_usa1@yahoo.com), April 03, 2001.


Hmm. Okay. Thanks for your answers!

Now what would you do if you weren't at an actual event/party, but were instead a "guest" at a cyber-function of some kind? Say an online discussion? What if someone *there* was making an *** out of himself? Would you feel compelled to jump in and start arguing? Attempt to change his mind? Or would you just "walk" away, knowing that everyone in general understands that said person is being ridiculous anyway? What if by continuing the discussion, you make the other "guests" uncomfortable by "egging" the guy on?

Does it matter if you know (kind of weird online, huh?) the person or not?

I guess my question really is about social behavior. These scenarios (actually one scenario in various forms) seem to beg the question as to why people feel so compelled to jump all over some of the truly silly, ignorant, stupid, vapid, inconsequential, and/or otherwise totally unimportant stuff that sometimes gets posted here. For some reason instead, little cliques of opinion form and nasty words are exchanged.

Why don't we just ignore this stuff and walk away? (feel free to do so after reading this, btw! LOL) But I would be interested in your thoughts.

Thanks

-- sheepish (WA) (the_original_sheepish@hotmail.com), April 04, 2001.


I'm convinced that group interactions on the internet are simply in a league of their own. I'm not making excuses for the lousey social skills that people demonstrate, but I think this is largely new territory in the world of communication. People just don't act rationally or kindly and there are probably a lot of variables that contribute to these behaviors.

Think of it.. when you attend a party, support group, or class, the group usually (not always) has similarities--there *may* be some level of homogenity, be it intellectually, emotionally socioeconomically..whatever. The work of some noted group dynamic theorists has demonstrated that groups become more cohesive when members have more in common. Cohesiveness = a feeling of belonging. Belonging means that people respect one another and also feel comfortable expressing both positive and negative opinions. Mind you, the key is respectful interaction. The internet is an open place, where anyone can join in a discussion whether they have something in common or not. We can argue that as "homesteaders" we have that in common, but it's not enough because there are all kinds of homesteaders, as we often see here, with varied cultural backgrounds, values, morals, intellects, and emotional health.

Looking back to respect, without respect groups are merely in a state of conflict when negativity is freely expressed. Combine this with people trying to exert control, influence, and power (this is inevitable in any group situation), and you have chaos. This happens often on the internet because it's hard to develop respect in such an uncontrolled environment, where people come and go like the wind. Think of all the "newcomers" that arrive and immediately give a strong opinion so that they may exert power, influence, or a place in the group.. in a live social situation a newcomer is normally cautious and listens. On the internet, where there is anonymity, newcomers aren't as cautious. I believe this is a major factor that plays into the bad interactions we so often see on the internet. I could go on and on... the environment of the internet isn't set up for healthy interaction, in my opinion. Looking at group dymamics (used to teach it at a college), I can find numerous theoretical reasons why people treat the internet as a cathartic free-for-all.

This said, it is still important for people to treat internet situations as they would at a party. If we shouldn't tell someone off at a party, shouldn't the same rules apply to the internet?

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), April 05, 2001.


My favorite answer to this sort of behaviour is "Sir (or madame) you are an asshole...and I already have one of those. GOod day."

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), April 05, 2001.

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