I just wanted to know if there is anyone who can share their story of the Pain it causes one when your not able to have a COMPLETE FAMILY,ie,Children of their own. I myself can't have any children and my selfish husband won't even consider adoption, Babies especially are a very sensitive subject to me and my friends don't seem to understand the pain. I would appreciate some feedback from someone else in my same situtation. Maybe my friends with kids would understand in a more indepth way how it makes a woman feel when she can't reproduce and desperatly always wanted a family with at least one child. The pain it causes ones heart when the Lord has other plans and the hurt of not being able to have the one thing that makes a woman feel COMPLETE (A child) Thanks, Paula

-- Paula Englebert (jepaco13@aol.com), April 03, 2001

Answers

I am sorry for your pain .I cannot give you help as I am blessed with children .Have you and your husband considered going to consuling ? Have you sat down and discussed why he will not adopt ? I am assuming you have looked into all the medical options .I wish there was a way to make it easy for woman and men in this situation .Growing up we always just thought we could have children whenever we wanted.I hope you get some answers that will help you .

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), April 03, 2001.

I lost my first son (still born at 10 months pregnant) and even though subsequent pregnancies ended in a misscarriage of twins a month apart, and another early misscarriage, I am the mother of 3 lovely children. Thanks mostly in part to medical intervention, ultrasound readily available, and amnio. There is no worse feeling than this, I am sorry that your husband is not more supportive of your feelings. And very honestly with the obcessive way in which I wanted children after all my difficulties, I can't believe without his support you will be able to have a happy marriage. You certainly need some counsel with him about this. If you are still young enough to be talking about him not wanting to help you adopt, than you are certainly young enough to adopt, even on your own, once you leave him. To be able to come on this forum and say "selfish husband" in the light of the subject, makes me feel that perhaps you have already thought of this also. I know this will set the forum rolling with this, but when you face a huge earth changing problem in a marriage, you sometimes find you didn't marry the person you thought you did. Have you truly studied all your options including family members to carry a child for you, using his sperm, your eggs? There are so many avenues of parenthood and adoption these days, good luck with this, I will be thinking about you. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), April 03, 2001.

Paula, unless you have had to have surgery that makes you unable to have children, I would not give up. I was told I couldn't have children and have three. My former sister-in-law was told she couldn't have children, and 20 years of no birth control and 3 husbands later she had two children. All mine and hers were normal, healthy babies. I agree with Vicki. This might be a good time to re- evaluate your marriage and seek another medical opinion as well as check out adoption on your own. May you be blessed.

-- Green (ratdogs10@yahoo.com), April 03, 2001.

Hi Paula - I am in your world. It's hard for others to realize the amount of pain not being able to have children causes. My husband is just devastated, more so than I. He, unfortunately, does not produce any sperm, so that pretty much eliminates invitro, etc. unless we want to 'borrow' someone else's, which, for us, is not an option. I am completely healthy and believe that I would be able to conceive, which makes it even harder. God works in mysterious ways!!

-- Lynette Henson (beckerl@jud.state.mi.us), April 03, 2001.

Paula, I'm sorry about your pain, I remember what it felt like. It took me forever to get pregnant, I was so happy to find out it was twins & then 3 days later I lost them. That feeling of wondering if you'll ever be a mother is painful & requires some good close relationships to talk things out. Don't give up, as Vicki said there are so many options. But after living through the painful procedures, the fertilty drugs, adoption waiting lists, & foster parenting, I will warn you it's easier said than done. We were blessed with one, & while I'm thankful for him it doesn't take away the pain of not being able to have more. Now I have the issue of raising an "only child" & sometimes the jealousy creeps in, yesterday I met a woman who was holding her 6th girl, & I'm thinking how nice for her, but I'll never have a little girl! It doesn't keep me from being happy for them, maybe envy is a better word. Infertility stirs up so many emotions, I don't think there is enough space to get into that. It sounds like you need to evaluate the strength of your marriage, if it's strong & your husband comes around to your way of thinking I would try the many options out there, some are expensive but I can't think of a better investment:) I know if you could have atleast one it would really help, but don't count on it making you feel complete. I think you just have to decide you're going to be no matter what. I don't really know, I'm not there yet, I'm still trying to heal from pain too.

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), April 03, 2001.

Lynette, why would another mans sperm not be an option? It is an excellent option, one that with some help from your friends, you could do on your own, without expensive medical help. With a little injunity you could even work it out that none of the men would know who's baby it was. Mixing the sperm is a lesbian trick, a very smart one! Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), April 03, 2001.

WOW, slow down here girls, let's not throw the guy out! I don't think she even mentioned how long they've been married. For some men, it takes years to come to "maturity" and even the thought of adopting. I know when my husband was alive, he was somewhat immature the first few years of marriage and only wanted "his" children but as we aged, adopting became a real possibility. We were blessed with 2 girls but also suffered a miscarriage. In my opinion, Paula doesn't need 2 huge loses in her life.

-- Pat (mikulptrc@aol.com), April 03, 2001.

I guess i need to go into a little more detail. I'm 36yrs old and my husband is 43,we've been married for 17yrs. After 10yrs of tring to conceive i had surgery and they found out that i had BIOLATERAL TUBAL BLOCKAGES. The Dr tried to fix the blockages and to no avail also discovered that my tubes were not normal in length on one side,so our only alternative was invitro and the cost is so astronomical we could never afford that. The Doctors said that even if we did go that route,i have a small pinhole in the top of my uterious.So...i may not be able to carry it to term. My Dr said this could have been caused when i was a small child and had chickenpox with a 104 temp for a week or it could have been from when i was 9yrs old and fell on a boy's bike and had to have a double hernia removal operation,being so young I personally believe that is what caused this tubal problem.My infirtility surgury was almost 7yrs ago now and as for my husband,well yes, he is selfish like most men are.He had one son who's now 22yrs old and No he never had much involvement in his life due to Exwife,but as his son grew older he's been such a disappointment to his father (my husband) My husband is a good man though;He was in the ARMY for 15yrs and had to take a Medical Discharge due to 2 cracked vertabra in his upper back.He lives daily in constant backpain and We've discussed adoption and all other avenues and he just says he doesn't want to discuess it. My best friend and my mother are all i have to talk to concerning this pain,and recently my best friend who has 2.A 13yr girl and a almost 11yr old boy; My Godchildren,and the loves of my life.Well she's tring to get into fostercare and emailing me these pictures of babies. It hurts and i told her so and now she says she'll never talk about kids again even her own. I've tried to explain how i feel and NoOne can understand until their in the same situtation. My friend and i have known eachother for 17yrs,so it seemed to me she would know how it would affect me. I guess maybe I'm just Jealous,and i know thats wrong. I'm glad for her;she's a great mother to her 2 kids and i think it's a very noble thing to do fosterparenting but I just couldn't let them go. I hope maybe now that i've given more information,I'll get some feedback from those who are in a simular situtation. Thank you all who've responded. Paula

-- Paula (jepaco13@aol.com), April 03, 2001.

Hi Paula,

You are not alone in this, there are many other women who cannot for whatever reasons have children. and yes, it is painful to not experience the desires of our hearts. I was blessed with 2 sons, however, there was a price to pay. I had my first fine. But then i was a stupid young girl and took birth control pills and believed everything the dr said. I began to experience problems, this led eventually to an IUD. I got pregnant on the IUD for triplets. i didn't know i was pregnant. in the meantime i also got a horrible infection from the IUD and was very ill. I didn't even realize i was pregnant until i was experiencing cravings for resee peanut butter cups and getting a little sick. I went to the dr, a different dr who examined me and found i was pregnant. i about died, I was so shocked! I so hoped for the pregnancy to go well. it didn't, i miscarried after thanksgiving, thats when they found the other 2. I was so sad being in the maternity ward and seeing everyone oohhing and ahhing over their babies, it hurt so bad. But then i was on birth control right? so why should i have felt bad? Long story but it was a life changing moment. And you know what? the A.H.Robbins settlement money due me will never change the fact. I then wanted to have another child so bad, and it took a year but I got pregnant again. At first the dr thought it was a fibroid tumer, but alas, it was Josh. I was so happy. But soon after i delivered i experienced female problems that resulted in alot of medications. It was at this point that my then husband, my ex, began to drift, he didn't really want children to begin with and then when i went through this he drifted away. So I guess what i am saying here is that you really need the support emotionally of him and it sound slike you are questioning the relationship in one way. I went on to remarry and really regretted my female troubles, my tubes were so scarred by the IUD that having Josh was a miracle, i was never able to get pregnant again. I even looked into in vertro fertilazation, but it was impossible. Then 4 yrs ago i had a partial hystorectomy. I feel better physically, but at the time i had to deal with the fact that it was over for me.

I love kids, 2 legged and 4 legged, and I have found joy in teaching children with severe disabilities. I wish you well and pray you will eventually one day be blessed with children. there are a lot of alternatives.

-- Bernice (geminigoats@yahoo.com), April 03, 2001.

Paula, my wife and I can sympathize!! We have been pregnant twice and have had miscarriages both times. She can't seem to carry through the first trimester. People who have'nt been through this can never know the pain that it causes. The only thing that gets me through it sometimes is that I know that I will see my children when I get to heaven. Eight years ago we lost our last baby and my grandmother within a couple of days of each other, and I've got a feelin that grandmama is takin real good care of them until we get there.:)

-- Uncle Jake (lulafred@cs.com), April 03, 2001.

I hope my response wasn't one that was taken as "throw the man out" that is not what I meant. It is very hard to go through with all the infertility procedures, you have another person (the Dr.) involved with your sex life(like charts), you throw out passion & spontaneity because it has to be the "right time", you get your hopes up every month, then your husband has to deal with atleast a day of a crying out of control wife, because it didn't work that month. That's all I meant by it, it can challenge a marriage especially if one spouse doesn't want it as badly.

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), April 03, 2001.

Paula, I have been where you are...sort of. Within a span of less than 3 years, I suffered four miscarriages, all unexplained. I have had every test under the sun and nothing found "wrong" with me. With much medical intervention (all experimental, because they were treating something that wasn't wrong....) I was able to have a healthy son who is now 2 years old. I was just pregnant again last month, and lost that one too. So out of 6 pregnancies, I have had one success. For me, getting pregnant is not the problem, but it's staying pregnant. There is no pain or sadness greater than thinking that you will never have children, when you really and truly want one more than anything in the world. I am sorry you have to go through this. I know how it feels to look at everyone else and be SO jealous of what they have, even though they are your friends and you only want the best for them.....but your pain is so intense that you can't feel anything else. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can also identify with the not being able to afford invitro.....luckily our insurance covered almost all of my treatments or I would still be childless, because everything is so expensive! But so is adoption....usually, depending on the type/race/age of child you are considering. I would like to adopt now, but honestly we could not afford it as well as we could afford to have our own child and let insurance pay, if only we could accomplish another successful pregnancy. Unfortunately, I could continue to have more miscarriages, who knows.......I'm really sorry for everything you're going through. There is a great board that you might want to look at, it has helped me a lot in dealing with this. It is www.inciid.org.

-- Tracey in Alabama (trjlanier@cs.com), April 03, 2001.

I am sorry that you are feeling so much sorrow. It must be very hard for you.

I too am childless and have experienced a lot of pain before surgical intervention finally solved the medical problems for me, at least. I have gone through many stages of really wanting a family, to not wanting one (any psychologists on here want to get into this? I don't want to, actually....) It has been an interesting and strengthening journey for sure.

It sounds like there are many issues that exist for you at present. But, perhaps at some time you could see yourself involved with children by volunteering for school stuff, Big Sisters, tutoring, mentoring, etc. Sometimes these options require a very special person who can be effective in a different way. (I'm not that good, but I try.)

We never really know why God gives us the challenges we get. But eventually we may. There are many women who were childless who made incredible contributions to all of our well-beings. Perhaps we need to think of them and be supportive of women who have other missions in their lives.

May you be comforted.

-- sheepish (WA) (the_original_sheepish@hotmail.com), April 03, 2001.

have you ever dicussed with your husband being forster parents? It's tempory and maybe he could be open to something like this knowing if he can't handel the stress of being a parent ,he can always back out.Maybe if he got a taste of the love a child gives ,while you take care of them ,he might even change his mind about adoption.I don't like sounding caloused,but you might convince him that it's for the extra income you would get paid by the state for providing forster care..It's seems his first child has disappointed him partly because he doesn't see any of himself in his son due to the fact he wasn't around to share his influences with him. I hope the pain stops.

-- Steve (a12goat@cs.com), April 03, 2001.

It may seem strange, since I have 6 living children, but I have been where you are now. My hubby had one child from a first marriage and felt that was enough. He didn't support me in trying to have more children. He took me to the doctors "to shut me up". I was told I could never, ever have children due to endometriosis and a pin hole in my uterus caused by that. I was told over and over that my tubes were collapsed, I couldn't have children, yet I kept getting pregnant and miscarrying. I would just find out I was pregnant, then miscarry. Over and over..my tubes were the size of a young girls, not a woman. But my main doctor never gave up. I kept getting pregnant, if only they could make me stay that way. I would take my temp, stay in bed, etc..only to lose them. By the time I was 23, I was able to carry a baby to 4 months, but then lose it. Then when I was 25, I had a balloon angiosplasty type procedure done in my tubes, opening them up. I had a window of 24 hours for me to get pregnant (I had not gotten pregnant at this point in a year). But there was still a risk of losing the baby. They weren't sure where the pin hole was, but the month before having this done, I had a D&C procedure to try to add some scarring to the pin hole. I delivered a baby girl 7 months later. Then I got pregnant with my second daughter, and her twin brother. He died at birth, but I now had two more children then I thought I ever could and my hubby couldn't be happier!! He said he was sure that he was wrong about not wanting more. I lost another baby then had a son, then a set of twins that lived, one year later (they were quads). I lost two more babies, then had my youngest son who had a twin sister that I lost at 4 1/2 months pregnant. I then had my tubes tied because my hubby wanted me to, but then I still got pregnant, I have lost 4 babies since then. All in all, I have lost 22 babies, really. Would I do it again? Probably..I love children. Yes, it is devasting to lose babies. It is also very hard to not get pregnant. It alientated me from my friends with children, it made me sad. I would see a person holding a baby, or pregnant, and get sad. I still get that way when I see quads, boy/girl twins (I lost 5 sets of twins, and the one set of quads, keeping the two children and twins from the quads) NO, no drugs were used, I ovulate twice a month. My friends would not tell me when they went shopping or anything becuase they knew I didn't fit in anymore (I was told that). My house didn't have pacifiers, or baby toys, I didn't know what breast feeding was like or what it was like to have a child sleep through the night for the first time. I raised my little brothers, but that wasn't the same. I moved out when I was 18 and didn't take them with me. :-( But that experience wasn't the same as having your own child. I think the not knowing why I couldn't get pregnant or then keep one was very hard emotionally. Then there was the lack of support from my husband. He is still around, we patched this up, but it was a hard several years on that subject. One thing that helped was I went ahead and got adoption information. I got it from all the orginizations I could. I had an adoption file in the desk with all this gathered information. Pictures, pictures and more pictures of cute babies and children in need of homes. I showed them to my husband, pointed out sameness between the children and him oohin and ahhing over them. This was very hard emotionally to look at all those children , then hear him say "No adoption" But , you know what? He got to thinking about those babies and children, it got to him and we actually started adoption prodedures within 6 weeks of me showing those to him. We didn't adopt any, because I had the one daughter and her and I almost died when she was born. We thought we would wait until my health improved and Sarah was bigger and stronger. (ALL of my children were premature 8 weeks and all but the twins who were 12 weeks early). Then the babies came. It wouldn't hurt would it, to get the information? Or have you tried coaxing him with pictures of wanted children? I know how much it hurts to have friends act like that, they just don't understand not having children, I understand how it feels to have a hubby who doesn't support you. It hurts alot!!! Give yourself a hug and hang in there. There isn't a good way to fully describe the pain of never getting to hold a child, tie its shoes or even change a diaper. There isn't a way to make the person with a child, understand the pain of not having one, unless they lost one themselves. Do you have pets? I know they aren't the same, but they can help fill the void a little. I hope this helped and didn't make you sadder, I know that. Well meaning people (I got this all the time), they really mean well...but I got tired of hearing "Oh, you will have some some day" Then when I lost one of a set of twins "Well, you have the other twin, so why are you sad?" People don't mean to be hurtful, they just say the wrong things at the wrong time. I am rambling now, if I were there, I would give you a big hug and cry with you.

Cindy

-- Cindy in Ok (cynthiacluck@yahoo.com), April 04, 2001.

Thank You All for your input.I guess i'll just have to learn how to deal with life childless,and look to the Lord for Strength. My husband and i just found out yesterday that my husbands nephew died in ALABAMA,20yrs old. He worked for the State of Ala road crew and got trapped between 2 pieces of machinery. That was very sad news,but the 1 good thing is he was a good Christian boy and i know he's with the Lord now. It really made me stop and think. Maybe GOD knew something tragic would have happened to me or my child if i had any and thats the Lords way of protecting me from that pain too. He knows my heart and he knows i could not mentally handle the loss of a child,i think i'd go over the edge. I'm sorry for all those who responded whom this has happened to and i know there are no words to comfort any parent who loses a child.My heart goes out to each of them. We all know GOD has plans all mapped out for each of us and we just have to have FAITH in him that he's doing what he sees fit. Thanks Again Paula in Georgia

-- Paula (jepaco13@aol.com), April 07, 2001.

Paula, one answer I didnt see hear is this,Once you take a child into your heart it dosnt matter if its yours or not, you love them just the same.My husband has 2 daughters which i helped to raise from 3 tell they were 6 and 7 when we got custody of them, 5 years latter I had my one and only biological son and I feel no diferent toward him then my other two daughters! I wondered If I would but I love them all the same, each one is a distenct personality and brings something special into the family.There is alot of kids out there who need some one to love them, keep your eyes open and I am sure some door might open.

-- kathy h (ckhart55@earthlink.net), April 07, 2001.

Paula, your posting saddens me for many reasons. The first reason is the obvious one of not being able to have children of your own. I am also going through infertility "issues" and the pain it causes. After one miscarriage and years of trying to conceive, I am to the point now that I don't even really think about the baby-part of fertility, just getting pregnant. The whole infertility process can really screw you up. You have all these people in your private sex life, you're having sex when you don't particularly want it, then you get your period and the whole thing starts again. People who haven't gone through it just don't understand how depressing it can be. But isn't that true with anything? I'm sure I've been cavalier with someone's chemotherapy, or eating disorder, or diabetes. We can never understand until it's happening to us - that's the difference between sympathy and empathy. So that's the other thing that saddens me about your posting. You need someone to talk to about your pain. It's consuming you. If you're not careful, you will let infertility define you. You ARE a complete woman now. You HAVE a family now. I talk to my single friends about my infertility and they look at me and say, well, at least you're married. Hmmmmm, so am I insensitive to them? So you've got to get a support group that understands, but you need to know that other people (living, dead or not-yet-conceived) do not make you complete. YOU make YOU complete. When you got married, you and your husband made two parts of a whole of a family. Weren't those the vows you made to each other? Children are a blessing and a joy, but the foundation of your family is the husband and wife together, whether you have kids or not. (Not to exclude you single parents out there!) My husband also has reservations about adoption and it didn't make sense until we talked about it some. He had a crappy childhood and had to grow up FAST. He wants the chance now to "make it right" for his child. He has a daughter who lives with her mother and she's a bit of a mess. He really wants to make a better situation for his own offspring. So I say to him, there are so many children right now who got a raw deal and would thrive under the loving hand of compassionate adults. Anyway, I try to take it a day at a time and don't let it consume my every thought and action. If you can relieve some of the stress that you guys are under, you might find the process less difficult and other options might unfold. Just remember, you can't eat an elephant in one bite. Little bites, little steps forward. Sorry this is so stupidly long. I don't even know you, but I wanted you to know there are people out there who are with you.

-- aj (bunnyjo@mindspring.com), April 08, 2001.

My story is a long one and i will spare all of you, because much of it has been said already. Paula the pain is real and strikes your very soul. Children are everywhere and it almost mocked my infertility. I find hearing or reading stories of child abuse or murder very difficult. I would cry uncontrollably! Here i was ready to have and love a child and there was Susan Smith killing her babies because they were in the way of her future. I was angry, sad and hurt. Talking it out helps, as you are doing here. Having someone to share it with will open the wound up and let it heal. You may never have your own children, but there are many out there that need us. Daycare, teaching, childrens wing of the hospitol. So many places we can volunteer and use are love of children. I still am childless. Miscarriages are hard on your body. Fertility treatment is terrible to endure. I wouldn't do foster care, because it would kill me to see these children removed from me and given back to the parents. I worked closely with foster care parents in my area and many time these children are returned multiple times. I have now found out that i have a chronic illness and children of my own or adoption would be even more difficult. I take life day by day. I finally asked myself what i wanted to achieve by having children. After i could honestly answer that question i sought other ways to fulfill that part of my life. It still drives me crazy when parents complain of their children. They could be me! But i have been taking steps to make my life full and complete. Part of that it strengthening you marriage. I jumped to conclusions about my husbands feeling and found out later he was suffering too. He also hated to see the disappointment in my eyes when a treatment failed. He had to console me and it was very hard on him. I hope you find peace and i am always willing to talk. Email anytime!!

-- Marie (imacountrygirl4ever@yahoo.com), April 10, 2001.

Paula, and others with no kids, let me tell you about my experience. Maybe hubby can learn something.

I had one kid, then got sterilized, as I was (and still am) concerned about the huge population growth on our planet Earth.

I got divorced, and later married a woman with two kids. Guess what? I love the two kids every bit as much as my biological one.

My daughter is considering either having one kid and adopting one or two, or just adopting two or three.

My other son is considering just about the same thing. See, they both know that a person does not have to be the biological father to be the true father. In fact, my daughter had me walk her down the aisle when she married a couple of years ago, rather than "Biosperm", as she calls her "real" dad!

My biological son chose to have three kids of his own. I wish he'd have adopted some instead of having three. Not that I don't love my grandkids; I do. Very much. But I'm also looking forward to having a bunch of adopted grandbabies in the next few years.

Hubby needs to get some counseling, in my opinion.

Good luck!

JOJ

-- jumpoff joe (jumpoff@ecoweb.net), April 10, 2001.

Dearest Paula;

I know how painful it is to watch others with thier children. I am about to have a full Hystorectomy on 06July01 I am divorce and now 31yrs of age. My endometriosis has pretty much taken over my life. I've had to deal with it for several years now. The emotional roller coaster of life began shortly after my first year of marriage. My husband became frustrated and his family put pressure on us about children. We even had step by step on how to concieve by his mother. The stress and emotions of not be able to bring my own child into this world has pushed people out of my life. I didn't understand that my husband was hurting just as bad. I went through five surgeries to clear up and treat the endometriosis but my tubes became completely block from scare tissue. My last surgery my overies were behind the uterus covered in dense endometriosis and scare tissue. It had only been 13mos since my last surgery. I had insisted that my doctor look inside because I knew something was very wrong. I could barely walk the pain was so intense. I've always figured I was a strong women I would show them all that I can deal with the pain and the drugs and try to keep my emotions hidden. My husband left 3yrs ago and started a new life with someone else. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. When I told my friends about the hystorectomy,to my surprise they are all happy and relieved for me. I was shocked and hurt they did say what I wanted to hear. I wanted they to say get a fourth opinion, cry for me something. Until one of my closest friends said that "QUALITY OF LIFE" is more important. They hated seeing me trying so hard and in so much pain. Once the pain is gone I'll be able to walk long distance, dance a little longer, and enjoy my life again. I miss my husband and I now understand how hard it was for him to watch me suffer. My ears didn't want to hear it, my eyes seen him as selfish and uncaring. He did care, he was strong for me. I wanted my own child no one elses. Our family features and traits, not some strangers. Paula, you and your husband are a COMPLETE FAMILY. He to is suffering even if he doesn't show it on the outside. The main thing is to stick together and talk. Don't you dare think that you are not blessed because you have no children. You have a husband, family and friends to comfort and love you. Enjoy life don't let it past by and be full of "if only's". You and your husband married to be together forever so, enjoy eachother. I hope that you can get something out of this answer. Take care Paula

-- kerrie taylor (chatatkerrie@yahoo.com), June 09, 2001.

Paula, my heart goes out to you. Mind if I share my own story?

I have two children. But I miscarried 4 times. The emotional pain of the death of my children is eased only by my faith in God.

I struggled with blaming myself and blaming God. Was I not good mother material? Is that why God took my babies away? Was God punishing me for my sins? I see people who dont want their kids, and treating them badly, and my heart breaks. I want to mother every child that cries.

I had to come to grips with the fact that even though I am God's child, bad things will happen to me simply because there is sin in this world. Even though our spirits are redeemed, our bodies will live subject to the painful consequences of the choice of mankind to sin. Even in this fallen state, God's grace is sufficient. It was not God's plan for my children to die before they were born. It was screened by Him, though, as nothing can happen to me that God doesnt allow. He allowed it because He knew that it is through suffering that we draw closer to Him.

Even Christ learned obedience through the things He suffered. Just because you are suffering doesnt mean you have been disobedient. Christ never disobeyed. But he still needed to suffer to learn obedience. So take the sorrow that life doles out to you, and lay it on the altar of surrender to Him. Allow your pain to draw you closer to Him, to find shelter in His arms, comfort from The Comforter. It is then that you will find purpose in the pain.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), June 09, 2001.

Dear Paula, I too am infertile. I have been married to a wonderful guy for 14 years and He also would not even discuss adoption for the first 13 years we had been together. Just recently he has said that foster care is something he would be willing to get more information about.

When we were first married I had a very hard time not being able to get pregnant because my friends were having babies. I was so jealous and upset that I was cheated out of being a REAL woman. I could not give my husband children when he really wanted them. When my best friend called to tell me she was pregnant the first time all I did was cry for days. Her baby shower was the only one I have ever attended and I only made it through about half before I left in tears. To this day I do not go to baby showers because it still hurts. When I have to be around little babies I still have a real problem holding them. I avoid babies as much as possible. Small children are ok for me but babies make me hurt. On the good side I have convinced myself that I am ok just the way I am and maybe I was meant to help more children then I could possibly have on my own. I am not sure if foster care is the answer but I am satisfied with my life and my marriage. And that seems to be the thing that has made me able to handle not being a fertile woman. I totally sympathize with the woman who mentioned Susan Smith. When the story broke I cried because I can not imagine any mother being able to kill her children. Then you hear about the teenagers having babies and killing them and I just want to kill THEM for wasting a life that they created. But I know that life was never meant to be fair. Every person on the planet has some kind of pain to bear and this is mine. I wish you peace within yourself.

-- Dee quast (hacongi@yahoo.com), July 06, 2001.