Smile a While! ________________ 3greenspun.com : LUSENET : Catholic : One Thread
The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday-school class and began quizzing the students, in order to test the effectiveness of the teacher.
"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" he demanded of one boy.
"It sure weren't me, Reverend," the boy said.
Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed, "I suppose that's a sample of the kind of discipline you maintain!?"
"Now, Reverend, Timmy's a good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he said he didn't do it, I believe him."
Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the church's board of deacons.
After due consideration, the board sent the following message to the minister:
"We see no point in making an issue if this incident. The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to vandalism."
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 27, 2001
-- (_@_._), April 27, 2001.
-- sam smith (email@example.com), April 27, 2001.
A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The boy thought for a moment, then asked, "And God threw him back down?"
-- J. F. Gecik (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 30, 2001.
Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
-- (email@example.com), May 02, 2001.
A woman invited some people over for dinner.
At the table she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Honey, would you like to say the blessing?"
The girl replied, "I don't know what to say." "Just say what you've heard Mommy say to God," the mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 04, 2001.
A young fellow had just gotten his first driver's license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut -- and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You brought your grades up and you studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man paused a moment and replied, "Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied ... "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
-- (email@example.com), May 11, 2001.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 23, 2001.
[from an anonymous author]
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark ...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs -- the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
-- (email@example.com), May 24, 2001.
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clergymen is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest? I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait until the police get here."
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 28, 2001.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the very long table containing all the food was a large stack of apples.
Sister Mary Florence left a note by the apples, saying, "Take only one. God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Little Eugene left a note by the cookies, saying, "Take all you want! God is watching the apples."
-- (email@example.com), August 15, 2001.
Bible According to Kids (The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched... Compiled by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.)
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."
The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'"
"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."
"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony."
-- Brian Crane (firstname.lastname@example.org), November 20, 2004.