Pauline Wyers - Professional Portfolio

-- Anonymous, April 28, 2001

Answers

Email from Henry 11.5.01

Hi Pauline,

My names Henry and I'm married with 2 children and I think I'm gay. Help me sort my life out for pity's sake. If I don't hear from you then its OK because nobody wants to talk about the possibility that this might be the case, so why should you be different? Desperate

Henry

Reply 12.5.01

Dear Henry,

Thank you for writing to me. You sound as though you are at the end of your tether.

No one seems to want to hear about your problem and this is making you feel desperate.

I guess it must be really confusing to find you are having doubts about your sexuality when you are already married with children.

Would you like to tell me some more about your story ?

Sincerely Pauline

Reply 13th May Pauline,

Thanks for replying. I honestly did not expect reply. Who wants to talk to someone who is living a lie.

I pretend OK father at home and I love my kids but all the time I am also thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with another man.

There is a man at work who I suspect might be gay but oh my god can you imagine the scene if I approached him and asked him if he was, or would he like to sleep with me. Oh god now I've said it, yes that's what I want to do. He is really nice and gentle and has soft eyes and oh my god I cannot believe I'm telling you this. These are my most inner secret thoughts. We must never, ever meet. I would rather die than meet you. The look in your eye would kill me. What a weirdo wanting to make love to another man you would be thinking as you look at me.

So there its out and I feel a freak but I'm glad its out. Let the world rot, so I'm gay, so are lots of people and they live normal lives. But what if people knew? Henry

Reply 16th May

Dear Henry,

Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me your secret thoughts. I think it is very brave of you to do this.

You seem to be relieved that you have told me you are gay, but another part of you is anxious that I will think you are a freak or a weirdo. It is as though there are two parts of you. One part would like to shout out to everyone - "I'm gay", but the other part of you is wondering what other people would say if they knew you felt like this. I wonder what you imagine people would be towards you if they knew ?

I don't know how often you would like to write, maybe you can give me an idea about this ? I will reply to you within 3 days. If it is going to be longer than this I will let you know beforehand.

I look forward to hearing from you again Sincerely Pauline

Reply 20.5.01

Hello Pauline,

I don't think this is going to work.

I'm gay and married. You are a woman who is married and has children — don't all counsellors?

So how the hell would you know how I feel about the thought of coming out. You never gave me any advice on the man at work that I really fancy. Why did you think I mentioned it? He's gorgeous and all you can talk about is what would people think of me if I told them I was gay. I tell you what they would bloody well say. They would say I'm a bloody freak and weirdo because that's what I thought gay people were until I started to realise that maybe I had feelings towards men that I shouldn't have.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't shout at you but god what the hell am I supposed to do here. Imagine the scene with my wife: 'By the way darling, you know when we were making love a moment ago, I was thinking about this bloke in the office and not you and that's why it was so great.'

If you want to help Pauline then tell me how I tell my wife. Its killing me living this lie.

As for writing to you. If you gave me the magic words, and the place to disappear to, and the wipe out of my brain so that I can forget I am married and have 2 children, and the courage to come out — then I would stop tomorrow. Not being nasty or anything but I would.

Sorry to be such a bitch in this letter but please help me.

Henry

Reply 23rd May

Dear Henry,

Thank you for writing back, even though I guess it is hard for you to do this. I can see that you are angry with me, and would like me offer you advice. If I was a fairy godmother and had a magic wand , I could make everything better. I am sorry that I can't do this.

You are right that I cannot really understand what you are going through. I can only be here for you and support you through the bad time you are having. I do understand, however, that you are very confused at the moment, so many things have surfaced that you don't know where to turn first.

I am wondering if you have feelings for both men and women. Many people do not fall into being totally heterosexual or homosexual, and are bisexual, preferring, at various times in their lives, to be one or the other. It sounds to me as though you might be one of those people.

I don’t suppose this would be very reassuring to you because, I guess, it could be even more confusing. It would mean that you still enjoy being with your wife but also 'fancy' other men. What you do about it, is another matter, and a difficult decision for you to make.

Maybe by writing to me you will be able to tell me the things that are bothering you most, and slowly you will find ways of coping with your situation.

I shall look forward to hearing from you again,

Sincerely Pauline

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2001

Reply 28th May

Hi Pauline, Oh god I wish you were a fairy godmother and had a magic wand. In one minute I am full of shame and think myself as disgusting and in the next I think why the hell can't I be gay and be proud of it. Everyday is a swing between those 2 points.

I met the man at work for a drink the other night. I pretended it was to do with work. I gave him so many indications that I fancied him that he must have gone home thinking me a right weirdo. Oh my god what if he spreads it around the office. I think I might quit work if that happens, but then if I do my wife will want to know why and then it will all come out, oh my god, the thought.

Look Pauline I've told you so much about me. I was thinking that we might move away from sending e-mail's to each other to telephoning. My number is 0785 2242000. I am usually free on Thursday nights and my wife goes to gym that evening so we could have a really chat and talk about all these things and not have to wait for weeks in-between e-mail's.

What do you think? I'll be waiting then this Thursday at 7.00 and if you could say you are Fiona from the office then if my children answer then it wont sound out of the ordinary, and if they tell my wife about the phone call she wont be suspicious.

Ooh must go I think my wife is home. talk to you Thursday. I'm really looking forward it

Henry

Reply 30th May

Dear Henry,

I can see from your email that you are still confused about your feelings, but also have made a move towards the man who has taken your fancy.

You are asking me to speak on the telephone with you. However, you will have seen from the Web site that we do not accept telephone counselling. As you are concerned about the length of time you are having to wait between emails I can offer you a session of real-time web conferencing. If you have AOL's messenger, MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger on your computer we could 'talk' real-time.

I can offer you a half-hour slot on Thursday evening 31st May at 8.30 pm. Please let me know by Wednesday night if you would like to do this. I will also need to know your user name and which service you are registered with. I will then contact you at the agreed time.

Sincerely Pauline

Reply 1st June

Hi Pauline,

What a disaster. I completely mixed up my days and was not available on the Thursday. Thanks for your e-mail anyway offering to talk to me over the web or whatever its called. Lets just stick to e-mails shall we as what you described sounded ever so complex and I am not sure I could keep it secret from the prying eyes of the family. The man I told you about approached me at work earlier this week and said that he had noticed how I was acting with him at the pub for our/my pretend meeting. He said that he was gay but was in a long term relationship at the moment. I nearly died I can tell you and yet I was so relieved that my first attempts at 'catching' the eye of another man had worked. We talked for a bit and he told me of places / clubs I might go to meet other gay men you know respectable places. So this weekend I am going to make an excuse about work and a Saturday meeting and go to one of the clubs. I god I am so nervous and yet excited. What shall I do there? What if someone comes on strong to me?

Any ideas?

Henry

Reply 6th June

Dear Henry,

That's fine about keeping to emails. Anything else does sound rather complex I will agree. However, it gets easier with practice like a lot of things.

I am glad that your meeting with the man from work went well, and that approaching another man was not as difficult as you had imagined.

By now you will have probably been out to one of the clubs you mention. I am wondering how you got on there. It seemed like you were really looking forward to it.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Sincerely Pauline

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2001

Reply 6th June

Dear Henry,

That's fine about keeping to emails. Anything else does sound rather complex I will agree. However, it gets easier with practice like a lot of things.

I am glad that your meeting with the man from work went well, and that approaching another man was not as difficult as you had imagined.

By now you will have probably been out to one of the clubs you mention. I am wondering how you got on there. It seemed like you were really looking forward to it.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Sincerely Pauline

Reflections 6th June

Dear Ian,

Thanks for your continuing emails from 'Henry'.

I was rather confused by the content of the email of 28th May as it seemed rather out of character for Henry.

Would you like to give me some feedback on this, and on my reply to it please ?

Many thanks Pauline

Reply 9th June

Hi Pauline,

The club was a disaster. I made a complete prat of myself. I think I was so obviously gay and 'out' that the other men must have thought I was on drugs or something. I think I shall give this whole thing up. I don't seem to be able to be either successful as a straight man or as a gay one. It's all hopeless. And I'm sick of lying to my wife. The pretence is just too much sometimes. I'm going back into the closet and will just look through the cracks in the cupboard door. It's easier there and less unsure. Thanks for trying anyway Will you tell me whether what I tell you is confidential or not as I am worried my boss might be monitoring my e-mails - I write and send them from work you see?

Henry

Reflections 9th June

Hi Pauline,

In my last e-mail I thought I would push in another direction with the telephone bit, and then pretend to chicken out. You might recall that I counsel for Relate on Thursday nights and so I hope you didn't stay online or anything waiting for me. In that same e-mail I was also pushing the boundaries of 'our' counselling relationship to hook you into my conspiracy type of life. You stayed cool throughout and reminded me of there being an agreement about the group only doing online counselling. You did however recommend other ways of online counselling. Whether it is because the counselling is between the 2 of us or what but there has been little or no talk of contracts or time-frames. I would also like to read, via your communications with Henry, your approach to the issue of confidentiality. This is purely selfish as I have struggled with my, 'Outside' the group, client and 'within' the group client to handle this issue successfully. This whole process feels comfortable although we might agree to stop in some weeks time as the academic year ends for me - July 10th or so. How do you feel about that? (I was thinking of introducing Henry having his NHS sex change appointment come through the letter box and his wife opening the letter but, nah, let's keep it simple shall we!?)

Hope you had a lovely wedding day.

Will see you on Saturday if all goes well.

Ian

Reply 13th June

Dear Ian, Thanks for your email making things a bit clearer. I like your idea of Henry having a sex change. I find role-play quite difficult but tried to get into this one Some times Henry seemed not-real, but I suppose this is because he isn't!

By the way I did address something of a contract in my second email, " I don't know how often you would like to write, maybe you can give me an idea about this? I will reply to you within 3 days. If it is going to be longer than this I will let you know beforehand." In view of the anguish Henry was going through I did not feel it was appropriate to be any more rigid about our contacts. I was assuming that something about the contract would be addressed on the Web site initially. I do not feel personally, that there is anything to be gained by talking about word limits or indeed the limit of the number of emails, as it was by no means certain that Henry would continue to write to me. I will address the issue of confidentiality in my next email. As far as the ending is concerned then it is up to Henry to bring it to a close.

I am recovering slowly from the foray into 'mother-of-the-bride' land and shall look forward to seeing you on Saturday - Railtrack permitting!

Pauline

Reply 13th June

Dear Henry,

I am sorry your venture out into the ‘gay’ scene was a disappointment to you. You seem to feel very hopeless about the whole thing. I wonder whether looking out of the cracks in the closet door will be enough for you. Maybe it will give you time to look deeper into your inner self and decide what you really want.

About confidentiality – From my point of view my emails are kept on my computer, to which no one else has access. When I have ended my communication with a client the files are deleted. No one’s full name or details are kept on the computer.

From your point of view things are a bit different. If you want your emails to be very safe in work then you could use a Hotmail account, which is free to set up. When you sign in to Hotmail your sign-in name and password are encrypted (i.e. coded) before being sent over the Internet.

At the moment I can see that you are not using Hotmail, so the safest way of sending emails to me would be to send the body of the email (i.e. the main thing you want to say) as an attachment written initially in Word. If you would like to do this I will tell you how it works. This can be given a password that only you and I can access.

In actual fact, bosses rarely monitor emails unless they suspect that someone might be looking at porn sites. This all comes under the Data Protection Act. In this case the management would have to inform you, that you are being investigated and they could look into all the files on your computer including ones that you had deleted.

I am sensing something of a conflict here as you have said before that you write from home – I am wondering what this is all about . You said "Ooh must go I think my wife is home. talk to you Thursday. I'm really looking forward it"

Sincerely Pauline Reply 25th June

Hi Pauline,

Ian talking about Ian I am all over the place at the moment (have sold house, rented another, moving over the next 3 weeks into rented, will be there until post Xmas while rundown bought house is renovated!!) and so have lost the plot with Henry. The last thing I have on my computer are some reflections and then your response to them. Given the end of term is nigh is it OK if we conclude Henry who, as far as I have 'drawn' him, could go on for some time as he shares with you his on going doubts, fears and concerns about 'coming out'. To stay with him is what you have done and every twist and turn to enliven the exchanges of this uncertain individual has been held by you and that holding reflected back in your words.

I guess the Henry's of this world might come to us (more likely a specific 'gay' site) and if they are happy about paying the fees then we might fulfil a 'holding' job while they decide the path they intend to take. This is of course important work and requires the type of approach I feel you adopted. You were a sort of link to a patch of reflective calmness that he needed as he first realised he was gay and then had all the conflicting thoughts as to what he might do about it.

Thanks for staying with 'him' and ever present angst

Your thoughts please

Ian

Reply 27th June

Hi Ian,

> Ian talking about Ian > I am all over the place at the moment (have sold house, rented another, > moving over the next 3 weeks into rented, will be there until post Xmas while > rundown bought house is renovated!!) and so have lost the plot with Henry.

You poor thing, you are having a busy time. Still I expect it will be worth it in the end

> The last thing I have on my computer are some reflections and then your > response to them. > Given the end of term is nigh is it OK if we conclude Henry who, as far as I > have 'drawn' him, could go on for some time as he shares with you his on > going doubts, fears and concerns about 'coming out'. > To stay with him is what you have done and every twist and turn to enliven > the exchanges of this uncertain individual has been held by you and that > holding reflected back in your words.

I found it a difficult one. Maybe something to do with the fact that he is made-up/ I am wondering if we ought to ban made-up cases, after all we have enough real problems to solve don't we - well I do anyway ! > > I guess the Henry's of this world might come to us (more likely a specific ' > gay' site) and if they are happy about paying the fees then we might fulfil a > 'holding' job while they decide the path they intend to take. This is of > course important work and requires the type of approach I feel you adopted. > You were a sort of link to a patch of reflective calmness that he needed as > he first realised he was gay and then had all the conflicting thoughts as to > what he might do about it.

You didn't make any comment on the bisexual side of things, what do you think his reaction was to my comment on this ? I felt that he would have had some inkling before this that he was gay, but maybe I haven't had enough experience of this problem. The gay men I have worked with have all been much younger and single.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. So you are saying you want to put Henry to 'bed' so to speak. That would be fine by me. I think you have enjoyed challenging me with this one - and it was more comfortable for you that the real problem you started with ?!

Sincerely Pauline

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001