I would like to recommend a book that every male should read. It is called, "Every Man's Battle" by Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn. It is about overcoming sexual temptation one victory at a time. This book is awesome! I went through it with my accountability group and now I am taking a group of our men through it at church.

I think that the fact that the Christian bookstores can't keep up with the demand of this book speaks to its importance. If you haven't read it, go do so.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2001

Answers

Michael....sounds like a good book....really does....and I don't want to distract from it....however....(and maybe the book covers this)....

IMHO....men would have fewer problems in this area if wives FULLY understood the sexual drive in men.

This thinking is well established via LaHaye, Getz..et. al.

I see way too many wives in the church treating sex as a "favor" for services rendered....as opposed to the Scriptural admonition of submission of one's body to their mate.

A wife that fully understands her husband's sex drive and desires....and out of loving submission fulfills the needs of her husband....will have a very satisfied man....whose sexual battles are greatly diminished.

Like I said....since others have said this....maybe the book covers this....so I won't steal anymore thunder.

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001

Let me put this another way....."A man with steak at home....doesn't need to go out for a hamburger."

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001

I'll do it Michael....thanks for the recommendation.

Can you provide an ISBN??

Thanks...it makes ordering a lot easier.

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001

Michael,

Do you know if Stephen Arterburn is from the Church of Christ?

Thank you,

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2001

No, I know that he is not. But in spite of others' opinion, one can learn a great many things from even a Calvinist (perish the thought).

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2001

Now, now, Michael.

I was not being 'fresh' or sarcastic.

A few years ago, I read a book by Arterburn titled 'Toxic Church'. He seemed to be relating his own experience and was very filled with anger. He tried to cover it up, but it seeped through.

I thought that if I ever stumbled upon I church such as that, I would not stay in it.

He and Dr. Paul Meier directed the Minirth-Meier Clinics and they had a radio program addressing emotional problems on Family Life Radio.

I have read a couple of other books co-written by him, one of them titled, 'The Mom Problem', about setting boundaries in relationships.

Respectfully,

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001

Danny...

It is a great book. I'd sincerely encourage you to read it. And yes, chapter six in the book is entitled "Just by being male." And in it they discuss quite graphically the male physiology of sperm production and other factors that contribute to a man having a "charged" sex drive that rejuvinates for most men at a rate of about every 72 hours. This fact is really frustrating to most females BTW.

But aside from that, the best chapter by far, is chapter five. The title is "Obedience or mere excellence." That chapter literally changed my life in many ways. I hope you take the time to read this book, I think every guy should.

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001

Could someone give me some details about this man's book?

In some Asian cultures, women still believe that, as wives, they have certain duties to their husbands: keeping the house clean, cooking, sexual duties, etc. I live in Asia, in a predominantly Muslim country. My wife is Asian, from a people-group where Muslims are in the minority. It is good to see the different world-view here about marriage and the family. Indonesians seem to be very positive about marriage. American TV seems to portray marriage as a lack of freedom, something to fear- boring. Most romance movies aren't about married couples, but the unmarried. People sometimes fornicate. Movies and TV makes it seem like divorce is okay if you 'fall out of love' and garbage like that.

The Bible teaches that a man's body doesn't belong just to him, but also to the wife, and a wife's body doesn't belong just to her, but also to her husband, and that husbands and wives are not to defraud one another except for content for a time that they might give themselves to prayer and fasting.

But I really believe that having a great wife is not enough to keep a man from sexual sin. If a man has a dirty heart, he will have dirty actions. Some men have beautiful, kind wives, and still go out and have affairs. I don't think it's fair to assume this happened ebcause the wife was not satisfying him. Sometimes it's because the man just has a wondering eye.

I thought about an idea for a book- Christian sex education. I know that one thing that formed my character as a youth, and gave me motication to keep my virginity for marriage, was reading the Law of Moses. Paul wrote that the law was for .... sinners of various kinds. He also wrote that by the law comes the knowledge of sin. A Psalm says 'thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against you.'

Reading Jesus' teachings on divorce, and OT instructions that, under the law, a man who slept with a woman was obligated to marry her, helped motivate me to keep myself from fornication.

It seems like, in a lot of chruches, preachers seem to focus on certain passages. The chruch never reads the Bible through. Some preachers never read those verses against divorce-- those heavy words of Jesus.

Children grow up with secular notions that you are supposed to 'fall in love' and get married, and some think that 'falling in love' is that emotion they get when they can't eat or breathe properly because their heart is pounding so hard. They think if they are truly 'in love' that their relationship will last forever, or that it is okay to get a divorce if you 'fall out of love' or your needs are being met, or you grow apart from your spouse. Children learn, from TV, the example of unmarried people fornicating together. They hear the philosophy that what happens between 'consenting adults' is acceptable.

I believe that loving one's spouse is often not enough to keep one from adultery. One must fear and lvoe the Lord. Your husband or wife isn't always looking. But God is.

I thought of an idea for a book called _Christian Sex Education_ that could be used to teach children ad adults. The book would be a study guide to be yused with same-sex groups. It would go through the Law of Moses on sex, and also explain the role and limitations of the Law of Moses. It would also go into Jesus' teaching of divorce, and poiknt out the flaws in popular concepts of falling in love, having a right to do what you want with your own body, 'consenting adults' and things of that nature.

Children would also learn about marriage being for life before they w2ent into marriage, and learn some priorities for choosing spouses.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2001

Link -

You hit on some pertinent points. The church IS infested with the warped ideas and ideals of the world, that the real truth about love and marriage is totally missed.

That was one of the main points of my workbook, "Before You Marry - A Guidebook for Engaged Couples." (Not a plug, just a fact. I wrote it because of my three daughters.)

The first chapter is called "Love Does Not A Marriage Make." In it I attempt to redirect the couples' thinking from the false worldly concept of "romantic love" learned from TV, movies and popular music to the biblical concept of love. Real love is committed. Real love shows the attributes of 1 Cor. 13. This relates and impacts on the marriage, because love is not a "feeling." Jesus' teachings on divorce are not such a burden when we realize that marriage is not about romantic love and feelings but about commitment and maturity.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2001

Jon,

Sounds good,

I think teens and adults should learn that the Bible says 'husbands lvoe yoru wives.' It doesn't say 'stay married to your wives as long as you are in love with them. Loving is a _command) not some kind of wind that blows us one way or another. Love is also something that God gives us the grace to do. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us. I'ts amazing how much the minds of young people are influenced by TV, movies, and radio. how many young people really read through an entire book of scripture? How many are able to think deeply enough to reconsider some of the cultural presuppositions they grow up learning about. Movie after movie on TV reinforces worldly ideas of 'love' as children grow up in the US (and throughout the world as Holywood exports it's spiritual sewage.)

Talking about love reminded me of an anecdote. I had a friend in high school who went to my church. He had a girlfriend in high school that he kept dating and breaking up with. In the end, it wasn't meant to be.

At one point, their relationship was having some trouble, and she saw a poster for a marriage seminar that said 'love is a decision.' She said, 'See, love is a decision.' He didn't say this to her, but he thought, 'Yeah, love is a decision once you are married. But we're just dating."

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Dr. Jon,

Your workbook sounds a lot like a sermon Danny preached several years ago about marriage...."What's Love Got To Do With It?"

Marriage isn't so much about love, as it is about commitment. Commitment to remain faithful to your Spouse. Commitment to stay with your Spouse. Commitment to refrain from those ideas & activities that would put distance between you & your Spouse.

Notice when the Bible says, "husbands, love your wives", the word used for "love" is "agape" - not "eros" or "phileo". This means that we, both husbands & wives, are to give ourselves for each other...100%. Now there's a common misconception....that Marriage is a "50-50" thing. No!! It is a "100%-100%" thing.

Like the great Philosopher (Yoda from "Star Wars") said, "Do or Do Not.....there is no Try"!

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Now anybody who quotes from Star Wars has got to have it right! My wife's favorite Star Wars quote pertaining to our marriage comes from Episode 5 when Leia said, "I'd rather kiss a wookie."

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2001

Mike,

If I were married to you, so would I. Live long and prosper. Qa'plah.

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2001

"I've got a bad feeling about this ..."

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2001

The world has taken the perfect and holy concept of love and warped it into an intense perversion. "Love" is no longer unconditional. It is used unresponsilbly and seems to go no further than physical. You cannot know true love until you understand and believe what Christ gave for all of us. Christ's holy and powerful love makes relationships between the opposite sexes amazing. I have had relationships in both extremes. God's love kicks worldy love out the window.

-- Anonymous, November 12, 2001

I have not read this book yet, but have read parts of it and it is very informative. The thread that has been taking place here has been very good as well. I would agree that the church as a whole has missed the context of the full counsel of the Word of God. As for romance, it is a secular tradition, which can be fun for married couples, but it is not the context for our marriages. As it has been stated many times, Fathers love (Agape) through us is our only sustaining power. The love that Jesus showed us and commanded us to show is how we can remain faithful to Father, and thus to our spouses. Only our walking in the Spirit will provide for not walking in the flesh as Gal. 5 lays out for us.

I said all of that to say that another GREAT book on marriage is "Adam's Rib" by Pastor Star R. Scott. It can be order from Swordofthespirit.org. It will absolutely reshape you thinking to truly understand the Biblical order and mandates from the very heart of Father through His Word.

Thanks for the discussion on Every Man's Battle.

-- Anonymous, December 28, 2001