No regrets about the time it took to get here!

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I was thinking this morning about what I wasted (in time and money) before I knew what I wanted and was ready to get here. But in retrospect, I can't regret any of it, and other people trying to get out shouldn't either. I know I'm still pretty young (29), and maybe those of you who are older than I am wasted more money and time and energy on things you didn't really want. But I sure expended my share, although I regret very little of it. Do you regret the time you spent doing other things (if any)? Would any of you go back and change history so you could have what you wanted sooner?

At 5, I knew what was important. My Aunt Helen taught me the names of every plant in her garden, and I could climb to the top of the willow tree.

At 10, my cousin Amy and I raced to see who could load produce onto Uncle Johnny's truck faster, and we played hide and seek in the chicken house. Everything was always going to be like this.

At 15, I knew nothing, except that I hated everything around me, and that everything was going to change as soon as possible. I didn't know what I wanted, just to have things be different. I fantasized a lot about a different kind of world, where I could have control over my own life, but I didn't know it would be homesteading.

At 18, I wanted a life of fulfillment, passion and radical politics. I was in college, and I loved the intellectual and social stimulation. Now, at 29, I still long for a life of fulfillment, passion and radical politics. But I believe growing your own food, making your own power and resisting the consumer monoculture is a far more radical act than the protests that seemed so meaningful then. But that lacked the drama I longed for at 18.

At 20 I was in love with someone who thinks that the country is best seen from an airconditioned vehicle. We thought we shared our politics, but neither of us knew what kind of people we'd grow up to be. I did grow herbs and flowers on our porch, though I wasn't sure why.

At 23, I was in graduate school, exploring a career I loved, and breaking up with the man I had been with since college. We said it was because he didn't want the same things I did - kids, a house in the country, a different kind of life. But we were just miserable together, and I only wanted those things "eventually" - not now. I didn't want any more changes just now.

At 23 I was single and having a great time. I drank a lot and smoked a lot and dated a lot of guys and was wildly in love with someone totally inappropriate. It was a great experience - I no longer have any illusions about the pleasures of singleness, alcohol, tobacco, inappropriate men and unrequited love. I'm happy with my life now, and utterly ecstatic that I never have to be 23 again.

At 24 I met "the one." But I'm so glad I didn't want to homestead then, because it took me the better part of four years to get him there. I was so busy being in love that it never occurred to me to think about what I wanted, except him.

At 25, he told me, "I will never want to live with you or marry you." Two months later, we were engaged. Sometimes it doesn't pay to listen too carefully! At 25, also, for some reason I can't remember and didn't understand at the time, I bought a book about farms. I didn't want a farm. He certainly didn't want a farm. I just wanted to look at the pictures, really. He did allow that the ducks and sheep were kind of cute. I felt the urge to garden on the porch again.

At 26, we did the one thing I really do regret. We let my husband's mother spend the equivalent of a down payment on a house and land on a big wedding for us. Yuck! I wanted a civil ceremony and a house, but my husband didn't think he was ready for a house. Fortunately, his job took him to France, England, China, Indonesia, and Vietnam. I went along, and while he worked, I looked at farms and how people raised their food. When he came back, we looked together, and he was interested. I bought another book.

At 27, we could have done it. DH wasn't really ready, but we needed to leave the city (which was unaffordable). We looked at rural houses in Western MA, but we couldn't find jobs. Then, I got pregnant. I didn't want to leave my family any more. I wanted to be as safe and secure as possible, and have as much help as possible. So we bought a two-family house with a friend in smaller city. It has a yard the size of a postage stamp. I grew a lot of food there. And pretty much as soon as we bought the place, I knew we'd be moving out, not in five years, but in one or two. I couldn't live that long without the country. Slowly, DH was coming around with me on this one. In a year or two, after the baby was older, we'd look again. I found countryside and started buying books about livestock and gardening. We had a plan.

Just before 28, I had my son. He was wonderful. He was beautiful. He had colic for four months. I learned very quickly that despite all the good will of friends and family and neighbors, you are pretty much on your own when raising your kids. I got good at rocking him and kneading bread at the same time. I walked him in the stroller through the city, and while I loved that, I couldn't stand the exhaust fumes he was breathing. I had to get out - and soon. We also found out that my husband's grandparents were struggling to stay in their home. A plan formed. I took every book on homesteading I could find out of the library. I raised more food. I saved money. I even got DH to read a few. Oh, and we found out that DH's job was coming to an end. A perfect time to make a change. I started looking at real estate web sites.

I just turned 29. My son is 14 months old. I'm pregnant again. In two weeks we move to central NY, to 37 acres and a battered 4 bdrm colonial. In the summer, we'll start construction on an apartment for my husband's grandparents. We don't own anything useful - not a snow shovel (underground parking), not a spade (all gardening done with little hand tools in pots, since there is lead in the soil here), certainly not a tractor. I have 37 acres to deal with. I have a box full of seeds that have to go into the ground the minute we get there. A large number of fruit trees and bushes will arrive a week afterwards. We have a hen house to clean and repair, a million things to do, and I'm getting big and waddly. My husband is still slightly dubious, but enthusiastic. My 14 month old loves dirt, so he'll be fine. I keep thinking that I should regret all the delays, all the struggles, all the failures on my part to get us where we were going faster. But I don't think I could have been where I am, with the people I'm with, or as happy if I had gone any other way. Do I wish I had the money I'd spent on cigarettes, dates with other men, and getting my college degree? Sure. But if I rewound, what would I have lost? Sorry this is so long, but it has taken me a while to come to terms with my past, and I've inflicted it all on you. So would any of you choose differently? I'd love to know.

-- Sharon (astyk@brandeis.edu), May 17, 2001

Answers

Hi, Sharon,

I suppose we all have a few regrets somewhere along the line. I'm in my second marriage; the first one being very difficult. Would I do that over? No, because the two really great things to come out of that marriage were my two children. Fortunately, my second marriage has been a gift from God. He has helped raise "our" children as his own and we've never regretted it. All the things we do as we're growing (up?) is to learn life's lessons.

I enjoyed hearing about your life. You sound very mature and well- grounded. We all need to explore life to learn what works best for us. Hopefully, we'll do so without hurting others or ourselves (too much).

We still haven't fulfilled "my" dream of being away from the crowds and confusion of the sidewalks. Right now, we live in a (too) large town outside Boston. We have 3/4 acre where we raise chickens and have a decent garden, but too many neighbors. I long for the quiet and solitude of the country where I can't see or hear the traffic. Sometimes I feel clautrophobic here like I can't quite catch my breath. But, for now, it's home and I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted. I'm hoping my husband will one day see that work isn't everything and consent to move beyond the sidewalks. We could afford to do so because we're both debt-free and conservative, but he enjoys his career as an engineer and has no plans to take an early retirement. In the meantime, I'll keep learning and growing and dreaming.

Good luck and enjoy your life. A baby playing in the (country) dirt is a beautiful thing.

Thanks for reading.

-- Dianne in Mass (dianne.bone@usa.net), May 17, 2001.


Sharon,

Congratulations. I'm glad you and your family are making the move to the country.

Don't regret the delays and mistakes of the past. You're right, you wouldn't be in the position you're in now if the past had been different.

I'm 29 myself. I've lived on the same 8 acres in rural Maine all of my life, except for the two years I spent in college. I went to college to major in culinary arts. I thought then that what I really wanted was to own my own fancy resturant in a big city. What I learned was how long it would be before I had either the experience or the money to open my own resturant and have it be successful. I also learned about how long the hours really are in that business. I deceided that if I was going to work myself to death, I was going to do it for myself and not someone else. I went home to figure out what to do with my life and finally realized that what I really wanted to do was live on the old family place and have a successful small farm. Nine years later, it's still a struggle but I've made a lot of progress. I finally made the leap last year and became one of the vendors at our local farmers market. It was a horrible growing year for all of us in this area but I learned so much. This years season for the market starts tomorrow. I'll be there again trying to implement some of the things I learned last year. Hopefully I'll actually make a profit this year. Physical problems make things difficult but I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't trade my college experience for anything. It was a wonderful for a guy who's lived in a small town all of his life to get a chance to experience city life for two years. I learned quickly that cities are fine places to visit, but I'll never live in one.

I would like to recommend the book "You Can Farm" by Joel Salatin to you. This book not only deals with how to start making some income from the farm or homestead, on as small a scall as you desire, but also talks a lot about the attitudes that are necessary for success in any venture. He talks a lot about decision making and planning. I would enjoy this book as a homesteader even if I didn't want to someday make a living here on the farm.

I hope some of this helps. Best of luck to you and your family.

-- Murray in ME (lkdmfarm@megalink.net), May 17, 2001.


Sharon -

Congratulations!!! I had to chuckle to myself, because I've done that looking back thing - and I came to the same conclusion. Though we are on our way, we are not there yet, and I've got six years on you!

Its nice, isn't it, to be able to go back through your life and think about all the things that have prepared you for this? Sure, there were hard times and mistakes, but you learned through them - the things you want, the things you don't, etc etc.

Think about all the information you wouldn't have had if you'd not done the things you did! Would you have travelled and seen so many things? Would you have a wonderful husband - or child support? I think that its wonderful you've learned all these things while you are still young! I wish I'd learned that stuff six years ago!!!

-- Sue Diederich (willow666@rocketmail.com), May 17, 2001.


Sharon,

First of all, thanks for posting.

Second, never regret the past because it wasn't more like the present or your dreams of the future. It is the past that makes us what we are. Perhaps had you started hunting for a farm as soon as you got out of highschool you would not appreciate it as much as you can now. Learning what one does not like is the best way learn to appreciate what you do like.

I can look back at a few key decisions I made in my life: what college to go to, who to date, what job to take when I got out of school. For all of them I had multiple choices and for all of the above I seemed to have picked ones that kept me out of the rural areas I always preferred. Had I gone to a rural or small town college, or married a rural girl, or picked a carrier in a small city I probably would have been content to live like most rural people do: commute to a normal job, have a bit of garden for fresh vegetables and a lot of lawn to mow. It's the years I spent is suburbs and cities that has made me realize that even that is a trap. Getting married straight out of highschool and getting a job in the local steel mill, I would have been happier than being stuck in the city, but I would have been happy enough to get stuck in a rut and never would have been pushed to where I need to be. So instead of typical rural middle class, I'm now on my own homestead trying to make it with my wit and little cash. It's been a long, sometimes unpleasant path to get here, but it was probably the only path that lead to where I need to be.

==>paul

-- paul (p@ledgewood-consulting.com), May 17, 2001.


A very dear friend once told me that your twenties are for figuring out what you want to do with your life, your thirties are for recovering from your twenties and life truly begins at forty.

Guess what? You are right on schedule! You will turn thirty building your new life, your new family, your new home and disengaging from the baggage you've collected the past twenty years. If you stay on schedule, it will take you almost ten years for that.

Life gets fun at forty. You'd never even consider that fact at twenty. At thirty you start getting an inkling that life has so much more possibilities than we ever thought.

Congratulations on finding your way home. May your lap be soft, your hands be firm, your words be sweet and your heart be strong. May you have a long and joyful life.

-- Laura (LadybugWrangler@hotmail.com), May 18, 2001.



Thanks for your great post. Regrets? Yes, I have a bunch of them. Would I change anything? No way; everything that has happened in my life has led me to here and this is as close to heaven as I will get without dying. Have fun. Doug

-- Doug in KY (toadshutes@yahoo.com), May 19, 2001.

I never regret anything that has come to pass in my life. True I have suffered sorrow and pain in my past , however instead of regret, I learned to accept and carry on. All events leading up to today, the good, bad and mundane combine to make the life I am living and mold the future yet to come. I have occasionally tried to plot how different past events may have altered my path had they occured, but I would say those possibilities are pale to the life I'm living.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), May 19, 2001.

Sharon, What an interesting post. Thanks for sharing your experiences. You are certainly young, at 29, and are lucky to be realizing your dreams so early in life. Best of luck to you.

I live in NY; where will you be settling?

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), May 19, 2001.


Sharon, the person you are today is because of the experiences you have had in the past. don't look back and wonder if, but look back and say thank you for all that you have learned. at 63 i wouldn't change a thing no matter how bad it was i am a better person for those experiences and will treasure them always.

slow down girl the new life within needs you to be rested for the big day .

blessings, sally

-- sally stanton (mallardhen67@hotmail.com), May 21, 2001.


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