Had any hard lessons lately? Share with the rest of us.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

Answers

I'll start. Just off the top of my head:

1. If you let the boy be in charge of the air conditioner, you will have to try to sleep in a house that's 85 degrees. This will be the start of a really bad fucking day.
   
   
2. If you don't let the boy be in charge of the air conditioner, he will bitch about the electric bill until you are ready to drown him. This will be the end of a really bad fucking day.
   
   
3. You can't win the above argument; just turn on the goddamn fan and take a sleeping pill.
   
   
4. Don't answer the phone before you've had coffee. You may be really nasty to perfectly nice people, who may turn out to be your parents.
   
   
5. Don't succumb to the urge to grumble, really nice people don't call before seven a.m. It's not becoming.
   
   
6. Never count on getting to work before eight. It's just setting yourself up for badness.
   
   
7. Don't give in to the urge to scream at the dogs when they're barking at six a.m. on a Monday, even if it temporarily makes you feel better. Just turn the fucking hose on them; that will make you feel better for a long, long time.
   
   
8. There are people in this world who think that they can make unreasonable demands and expect your compliance, just because they make those unreasonable demands in a very, very sweet tone. Fuck those people.
   
   
9. The very best reason for you to stop procrastinating is so if you have a morning like this one, you can just go back to bed, instead of having to go and deal with all the things you saved until the last minute.

Your turn.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

1. If the weather report says that it might be raining on Monday, take your umbrella home on Friday. Otherwise, you'll spend most of Monday morning drip drying.

2. If it is indeed raining on Monday and you don't have your umbrella, the trolley will break down across the street from the station, and you will get even wetter than you anticipated.

3. Even if you think you have at least a month to complete a project, plan to take only two weeks for it, because someone down the line is going to screw things up.

4. Let sleeping cats lie.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

1. If your 2-year old really wants to drill a hole in the window sill, taking the bit out of your cordless will not stop him. He will, against all the apparent odds, (i)find something else sharp, (ii)put it into the drill where the bit goes, and (iii) carve a hole or series of holes in your windowsill.

2. Your wife will not agree that it's good training for the boy to be allowed to handle your tools when they're rendered harmless. She will perversely insist that the holes in your windowsill prove that the drill cannot be rendered harmless.

3. You need wood putty to really fix holes in your windowsill. Spackle won't do the job.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

Oh, Tom. Did your wife actually smack you in the head with the drill? That's a hard lesson, indeed.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

My wife opposes corporal punishment, perhaps because it is over too quickly.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

don't bitch don't bitch don't bitch when you've been up till all hours of the night and dad wakes you up to wash his feet at the crack of dawn. all it does is make it harder to go back to sleep after said feet are washed.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

ok...y'know... I don't care what time of day it is, or how much sleep I've had, but I'm gonna bitch if my dad tries to make me wash his feet.

just saying. yo.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

Is footwashing some kind of euphemism that I should know about?

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

Tom, no...literal feet washing. Dad has a bad hip that needs replaced and can't reach his feet. (I know, YUCK. I agree!)

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

1. If you voice your opinion on a sensitive subject, people who disagree with you will send you email filled with vitriol and discuss how much they hate you. When, months later, they discover that you were actually right, they will hate you even more.

2. Never, ever stay for that 'one last drink.'

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

Yeah, Kristin, that "hate you even more when you're right" thing is sure a bitch. I can't count the number of times I've been burned by that one. I mean, if you think your sister's boyfriend is a loser, keep it to yourself. I'm just sayin', yo.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Even if it seems like a good idea at the time, do not pour gasoline down a mole hole and light it. The moles will not go away, and your yard will be on fire.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Good lord. Do you have photos?

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

No. But do you want to know the worst? I actually thought "maybe I didn't do it right" and tried it again.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

1. When a long, sharp, expensive new knife falls into the running sink disposal, standing in a corner shrieking with your hands over your head won't make said knife stop twirling out of control in the disposal. Turning the disposal off will.

2. Endometriosis doesn't always have symptoms - UNTIL you've had your period for almost 3 weeks.

3. No matter how tough you think you are, carrying 15 hours in school (one of which is an advanced foreign language and 3 of which are graduate combined classes) is NEVER, EVER, EVER a good idea if you also have a real life grown up job. An even worse idea if at said real life job you're doing a site redesign. Madness I tell you.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2001

1. You really do need to know when to hold them, and know when to fold them.

2. "All you can eat" does not mean, "C'mon, I fuckin' dare ya."

3. Booze is good food.

4. Never, ever, work with or for a friend.

5. Things that seem too good to be true generally are.

6. Don't ever live with someone who has more than two bottles in their shower.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2001

Toenail clippers are actually the perfect fingernail clippers.

(okay, it wasn't a hard lesson - but it was a useful lesson to find out how much time I wasted with those fucking little clippers all these years, oh yeah I'm bitter now)

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2001

Grace - I have endometriosis too, with no symptoms. That makes it hard to believe my gyn when she tells me I need a hysterectomy.

Stub -- I know what you're going through withe the parental foot thing. My 70-something mom broke her leg a few years ago, and I helped out with foot care. Actually, it took less time than the hair care, which my sister helped her out with.

As for hard lessons, if you are depressed, get help as soon as you can. Don't wallow in despair because then it beomes too comfortable.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2001

1. When somebody asks 'how are you' they don't really want an answer. It's just an expression.

2. Cat is evil if you touch his belly. Pure evil.

3. Cat scratches hurt worse if you use dishwashing liquid to wash them.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2001

Even if you push the chicken way, way back on the counter, the dog will get it. Because his need for the damn good-smelling, tasty chicken is greater than yours to store the food safely while you're in the shower.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2001

Don't go to a faraway, all-the-way-across-the-country place you know you're going to love, and then go ahead and love it, and then not be able to go back and live there for a whole year. Or visit for a long, long time.

Don't go head-heels over the far-away people who you're not going to see for that same full year. It's hard when your friends aren't near enough to hug.

Don't think about how, when you've moved all the way across the country that the people you get to hug two, three times a week now won't be huggable at all then.

Don't tell your friends on your current side of the country that you're going to be back the day you're actually back after a 12 hour plane riding day. They will call you at three in the morning.

Don't put off going to sleep the night before you're supposed to go back to work, after a full week off. It will make that first day back eleventeen times worser. But I'm trying not to think about that.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

1. If Jen comes to visit you, don't let her leave.

2. If someone says "you shouldn't date me, I'll only hurt you," believe them.

3. If you're sick, you actually have to stop going out and partying every night if you want to get better. (Okay, I can't really say I've learned this, but I'm working on it)

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

If you have a contact inside a group you are trying to join, make sure that contact is part of the "mainstream" of the group before you rely too much on her advice. Otherwise, you will end up looking like a bad fit.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

1. If Jen comes to visit, don't be sick all weekend and miss out on meeting her Pink and Sparkliness twice. You will be very sad whenever you read a recap of everyone's fun weekend.

2. Conjunctivitis sucks ass. It also makes you rather unattractive.

3. Sinus infections suck too. They can be temporarily alleviated by rinsing with a saline/baking soda mixture. Don't put too much baking soda in or you will cry. And a lot of greeny stuff will come out of your nose. This is good. Resist the urge to show it to people.

4. Getting a real haircut for the first time in years is a responsibility. You cannot oversleep and then roll out of bed and into work without makeup and mussed hair anymore. Bettie Page hair requires brushing, bang curling, and at LEAST minimal makeup, otherwise you look like a six year old.

5. Do not tell friends online about your new hair unless you have a picture to show them. They will be mad and impatient.

6. Always take your Zoloft.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

The lessons keep a coming...

4. Fishing your black skirt out of the laundry to wear again is a sure fire way to end up at work with a black skirt on that smells like cat pee. Then you have to go home for lunch and change.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

7. When you know for a fact that your period is going to start at some point today and you're already having cramps, don't shrug it off and leave the house without suitably protecting your undies. You will have to wear one of the diaper sized work-provided pads which will make you squirm uncomfortably in your seat all day.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

If you're pulling poison ivy vines off a tree, be careful. They will fight back and poke you in the eye. Poison ivy cornea is not as fun as it sounds.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001

Never never find yourself alone and tipsy with the very drunk best friend who confessed a month ago that he has feelings for you, who you've been avoiding, until that night, ever since. There will be a lot of shock, a huge amount of embarrassment, and unbelievable uncomfortableness. I mean, you'll feel all irresistable and stuff, but the bump to the ego isn't worth it.

Never never stay up all weekend so that you can go to bed really early on Sunday and get plenty of sleep for work. For you will find yourself awake at 3 a.m. Monday morning, curled up on the couch watching The Filth and the Fury and wondering if you'll ever sleep again.

Green bananas won't ripen as quickly as you need them to. Also, they taste like feet. Or what I imagine feet might taste like.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2001